A recent survey showed that bitter people in towns all over America have been becoming increasingly bitter, in no small part because of people calling them bitter.

Gordon Stillwater, a native of Elk's Mount, Pennsylvania, denied that he was bitter. "I may be a little peeved," he said, holstering his gun on the way to church, "I mean, I lost my two jobs, I lost my house, and now some goddamn strangers are calling me bitter."

He killed two crows on the way to the Sunday service.

"Who am I voting for?" he later told reporters. "Do I have time to worry about an election? Do I care whether Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are at each other's throats? Get out. You're scaring away the deer." He mumbled something about having more time for hunting now that he was completely unemployed.

For his part, John McCain was upbeat about all the bitterness and infighting. "I don't know about bitterness," he said, "but things are certainly looking up for me."

Steve Benen, the liberal blogger who runs The Carpetbagger Report, has recently been discovered to be the sole author of almost every liberal blog dealing with U.S. politics on the internet, blog readers recently discovered.

At first Benen was writing The Carpetbagger Report and allegedly guest blogging on sites such as TalkingPointsMemo, the Washington Monthly's blog, Political Animal, and Crooks and Liars. However, a visitor to TalkingPointsMemo, who saw a video of the alleged author and blog founder "Josh Marshall," immediately recognized him to be actor Marshall Mappschteen, with whom he had performed "Guys and Dolls" in college. A phone call to Mappschteen resulted in revelations that eventually uncovered Benen as the author of more than 260 liberal blogs. Subsequent investigation revealed that popular "bloggers" Atrios and Political Animal's Kevin Drum are actually fellow league bowlers whom Benen recruited to be fictitious front men.

The revelations caused Salon to put an end to their Blog Report, a supposed roundup of items of interest on liberal and conservative political blogs compiled by Benen. "All the liberal blogs were him," said "Skippy," one of the few liberal bloggers who appears to really exist. "He was just linking to himself all over the place. It was unsanitary."

Benen admitted that he had orchestrated and created the liberal blogosphere in order to create the impression that more people have liberal values than actually do. "I wanted the liberal presence on the web -- and in the U.S. -- to appear to be very, very big, much larger than it actually is," admitted Benen, who welcomed the end of his deception as a chance to rest his hands. "I've been suffering from carpal tunnel something awful," he said.

Benen is now thought to be the entire 65% of Americans who oppose further involvement in the Iraq war.

Polls conducted in the wake of Mark Penn's dismissal from his role as Chief Strategist in the Hillary Clinton campaign show that the public strongly opposes the move, according to a poll conducted by Mark Penn, who retains his job as head pollster for the Clinton campaign.

"98% said that Mark Penn is a good person," said Penn, "98 per cent of people said that they believe he is the right person for the job." Penn said that the 2 per cent who did not like him was his cousin Barney, with whom he has had "some issues."

Penn later denied that he had "cherry picked" the data.

Of great importance to Clinton, Penn said that polling showed that Pennsylvanians especially wanted him to be reinstated, and that it had nothing to do with his name. While most other polls show Clinton with at least a double digit lead in Pennsylvania, Penn said his post-dismissal polling shows Clinton now trailing Obama by 35 points. "Her only chance is to let me take over again," said Penn, adding, "Numbers don't lie."

Opinions You Should Have reporters gained access to a copy of the poll. One of the questions on the poll was, "Should Hillary Clinton have kept the brilliant and gifted political strategist Mark Penn on her staff as Chief Strategist, or would you prefer that the world go up in a big puff of smoke?" 98 per cent of respondents chose the former.

Prospects for a poor economy, a neverending war, melting ice caps, increasingly dangerous weather systems, the plummeting dollar, and the horrific job market have taken a toll on the public's view of the economy, the war, ice caps, weather, the dollar, and the job market, a New York Times/CBS poll found today.

Describing the poll's methodology, pollster Felicity Proctor explained that it was based on a survey of 3,042 increasingly depressed individuals throughout the United States.

The poll also found that the use of torture by the American government, and its disregard for many basic civil rights laws, including those protecting individuals from being wiretapped and spied upon, made Americans fear being tortured, having their civil rights violated, and being wiretapped and spied upon.

"People in an increasingly negative environment often experience their environment as increasingly negative," said Dr. Enola Imnot Gay, a Boston researcher whose specialty is diseases of the obvious.

But Dr. Gay cautioned reporters not to read too much into the poll results. "American Idol and the fleeting availability of even the most miniscule line of credit can completely erase Americans' awareness of outside phenomena," she said.

Cross-posted at The American Street.

New York Governor Elliot Spitzer attacked Republicans today for creating an economic climate so hostile to middle and low income workers that they can barely afford the cost of a decent blowjob. "The cost of prostitutes is skyrocketing while the salary of the average American worker is declining," Spitzer complained.

"Everyone should be able to get a reasonably priced reacharound," said Spitzer, "but George W. Bush and his cronies want only the Washington fatcats to be able to afford quality hummers."

Spitzer said he was astonished that he recently had to pay close to $5000 for what he called "basic services."

"Now we see that the effects of the subprime mortgage collapse are truly widespread," Spitzer said, his anguished wife mysteriously standing beside him. Spitzer noted that under Democratic rule, escort services have always been far more affordable.

Republicans defended themselves, noting that the rising cost of intercourse reflected a burgeoning economy, and noted that any money injected into "hooking establishments" would just trickle down to lower earning members of our Capitalist society.

Spitzer responded that being trickled on was also prohibitively expensive, especially at the parlors he frequented.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton today separately vowed that, regardless of the results of today's now important Texas and Ohio primaries, they will not rest until one of them has been crowned the official Presidential nominee of the Democratic Party, "hopefully by the spring of 2009."

"It is for the good of the party and the good of the nation that we select the right nominee," said Clinton, "even if it takes until next Easter."

Barack Obama noted that the contest is "already over," even before today's votes are counted, because, as analysts have already shown, Clinton can never make up the delegate deficit, no matter how well she does. Nevertheless, Obama said that he would consider conceding the nomination to Clinton depending on the results of next year's Superbowl. "If the Patriots lose again, I'm out," he said.

Democrats are concerned that a prolonged battle for the nomination would endanger the party's ability to win the general election. "Particularly if the fight goes past November 4," said left-wing pundit Freddy Dreckler.

Civics Professor Norman Golan commented on the impasse. "Some say that only the Democrats could screw up the opportunity they have to take the Presidency this coming November," he said. "But not many people realize that it only takes two of them to do it."

President Bush called John McCain a "true conservative" this past Sunday, and told reporters that McCain would certainly do a fine job of continuing the Bush Administration's policies.

McCain's supporters were very upset and said there was no reason for the President to "attack our candidate." "I don't know what John McCain has done to President Bush to deserve this," said Gladys Denovio, a self-described moderate Republican who heads the Midwest chapter of Boosters for John McCain.

"It was an uncalled for, vicious thing to say," said lawyer John Bristol of Ohio. President Bush had no reason to be so harsh, he added. "What's next?" Bristol asked. "Is he going to call McCain a butthead?"

True conservatives also criticized President Bush's statement, saying that when President Bush showed that he knew what true conservatism was, they expected to be able to watch pigs fly over ice hockey rinks in hell. "Until then he should keep his mouth shut," they suggested.

"George Bush is the first so-called conservative to cut taxes while vigorously increasing the size of the Federal government," said political expert Professor Madeleine Fullbuck. "Maybe we should call him a right-wing religious economic conservatiberal."

Mitt Romney explained today that he was dropping out of the U.S. Presidential race in order to spend more time with his money. Romney said that the time on the campaign trail had really harmed his ability to spend "quality time with my bills."

Romney explained that some of his money had been extremely neglected, and shook his head, noting that even several of his fifties had become severely creased.

He reassured stunned supporters, saying that he would still have plenty of time to flip flop his positions on every conceivable issue and praise African Americans for their "bling-bling".

On the plus side, Romney said he was looking forward to spending more time not drinking coffee and less time assuring Americans that his personal religious beliefs don't matter. "Now I can just be a regular joe, just like everyone else who can finance their own multimillion dollar campaign for the country's highest office."

Romney did not say what he was going to turn his attentions to now, but hinted that he might go back to the world of business. The former management consulant, who took the ailing Duane Reade pharmacy business and reinvigorated it until there was a Duane Reade on virtually every corner of the nation, said he was thinking that there was "still a lot he could do" with mailboxes, ATMs, and premium coffee shops.

Polls out of New Hampshire showed that voters who favored a quick exit from Iraq overwhelmingly voted for Hillary Clinton and John McCain, the two candidates who most favor staying there for long periods of time, up to "one hundred or a thousand years," according to McCain. Those same polls showed that voters who most wanted a male President voted for Hillary Clinton, while those who desire a woman President voted for Rudy Giuliani.

"That's not as irrational as it first sounds," said Professor Josh Kornbluth of the Center For Diseased Pollsters. "Many people see Hillary as very macho, and see Rudy Giuliani as lisping and effeminate." He pointed out that, of the male candidates, Giuliani is the one who has most often worn a dress.

Backing up the New Hampshire polls, polls of likely voters in South Carolina showed that those who want an intelligent President overwhelmingly favor Huckabee, while voters who want their President to only have one wife are certain to vote for Romney.

The South Carolina poll also found that voters who want to see a black man in the White House will vote for Fred Thompson; voters who want change are likely to vote for George W. Bush. "If Bush isn't on the ticket, I'll vote for McCain," said Ira P. Winnowalker, a South Carolinian funeral parlor director who really wants "a huge break from the policies of the current administration."

"It may be that voters are not very logical," said Professor Kornbluth. "Perhaps voters are as some say, uninformed, fickle, or dumb."

Professor Kornbluth paused momentarily and stroked his chin before adding, "Or maybe we should stop reading these stupid polls."

Cross-posted at The American Street.

Dane Goodman, official overseer of the Iowa caucuses, admitted today that no one really understands how the Iowa caucuses are supposed to be conducted, and that every four years, he and two other state officials just "make up some results."

Goodman explained the procedure that the caucuses were supposed to employ. "People gather at chosen locations, group themselves by candidate, and somehow they exclude some of the candidates or something, and then they call us and try to tell us what happened. But in the end we just pick some numbers out of a hat," he said.

Goodman admitted that he and his fellow officials usually don't even wait for the caucuses to report back to them, but instead just read the latest poll, change the numbers a little and fill out some forms indicating the alleged results.

He defended his committee's procedures. "Let's face it, this is just as democratic a process as the caucuses ever were."

Goodman revealed that, in 2004, the committee was pretty sure that Howard Dean had actually won the caucuses by a hefty margin, but found that "so hard to believe" that it picked John Kerry instead.

In the future, Goodman promised that primary overseers would scrupulously follow the correct caucusing procedures.

"As soon as someone figures out just what they are," he said.

Cross-posted at The American Street.

Today in Iowa, Mike Huckabee told reporters "enough is enough" and denounced negative campaigning. Huckabee, who recently fashioned a strident negative campaign ad about rival Mitt Romney, said it was "about time I stopped this viscous campaign of negative attack ads that I have been running," and derided himself as a "detestable fearmonger." He also labelled himself a "pandering schizophrenic."

"Mike Huckabee is about standing on Mike Huckabee's qualifications for President and Mike Huckabee's record, and he is not about pointing out his opponents' disgusting failures and ineptitudes -- of which there are many -- in order to gain the nation's highest office," Huckabee explained. Gesturing to a negative ad he was running locally, he added, "I reject this Mike Huckabee and his evil, negative campaigning ways."

A spokesman for Huckabee said that Huckabee would continue to run attack ads against his opponents, but noted that they would now conclude with the admonition, "My name is Mike Huckabee, and I strongly disapprove of this ad."

The White House confirmed this morning that the cause of a fire that threatened to consume the Vice President's ceremonial chambers was a bonfire made up of documents that Congress has subpoenaed over the past year.

"We do this every holiday season," said Jared Simms, a spokesperson for the Vice President. "As the Vice President often says, 'There's nothing on a cold winter day like curling up with a good book beside a heap of slowly roasting memos.'"

Some have decried what they called "the wanton destruction of requested documents," but Simms denied any wrongdoing. "It's just festive, that's all," he said.

"If it makes you feel better, there were no CIA interrogation tapes in that fire to speak of," Simms added.

Karl Rove today said that George Bush's presidency would have been a great success if Democrats had not forced Bush to make countless numbers of flawed decisions that have led the country down the path toward national disaster.

"We wouldn't have invaded Iraq, we would have saved New Orleans, we would have staffed FEMA," said Rove. "It's all the Democrats' fault."

Rove went on to say that if voters wanted a change from the disastrous Bush years, they'd have to vote Republican. "It's sad how these Democrats mishandled the Bush Presidency."

Rove also blamed Bill Clinton for having "come before" Bush. "It's just awful the way Clinton directly preceded him," said Rove.

Rove went on to blame the flawed policies of the "Democrats' Bush Treasury Department" for the decline of the dollar and the Democrats' "ridiculous love of the subprime mortgage" for the downturn in the economy. "I'm genuinely shocked at how the Dems let this housing bubble expand," he added. "It's too bad the Republican White House and the Republican-contreolled congress couldn't stop the powerful Democratic juggernaut."

He also blamed Democrats for failing to prevent 9/11. Condi RIce agreed, saying, "Only the Democrats foresaw that planes might be used as weapons. If only they had told us."

The Washington Post and other great American periodicals subsequently reported Rove's remarks, saying that there was a "difference of opinion" about who was in control of the White House, the Congress and the country the past seven years. Republicans claim that it was the Democrats, while Democrats -- perhaps spuriously -- claim that the President and a majority in Congress were Republican during most of that period.

by Guest Blogger Chris Edelson

In a Rose Garden ceremony this morning, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) and Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) formally handed over their balls to President George W. Bush.

"Recent actions make clear that we don't need these anymore," said Schumer as he handed over a small plastic bag containing his genitalia.

Sen. Feinstein echoed Schumer's words, bowing deferentially to the President and adding, "As a woman coming of age in the 1950s and 60s, it took me years of hard work to get and maintain these balls. But I'm more than willing to part with them now."

Schumer and Feinstein decided to formalize their relationship with the White House after breaking with members of their own party in a vote to confirm Judge Michael B. Mukasey for the post of Attorney General, despite his sanction of torture and his apparent contempt for the rule of law.

In a show of support, Republican Arlen Spector handed over his own testes in a tribute to what he acknoweldged was his "talk-tough, do-nothing" policy. "I wholeheartedly endorse the actions of these Democrats in rolling over like a cheap date after a bottle of Ripple," he remarked.

Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) also attended today's ceremony, although he had already turned in his balls in late 2001.

Leading experts were not surprised by the ceremony. "After the Democrats took control of Congress last fall, most people assumed they would move swiftly to confront a deeply unpopular President, engaged in a deeply unpopular war, and embroiled in a deeply unpopular assault on our most profoundly held Constitutional values," said Prof. P.E. Gordon of the Kennedy School of Government. "But that hasn't been the case."

Prof. Gordon explained the Democrats' logic. "They don't want to change the status quo because they want to get elected in 2008 so they can change the status quo."

He smiled. "That's what they said in 2006, too."

Today Condoleezza Rice discouraged Turkey from sending troops into Iraq and told Turks to "find their own country to occupy."

"We were here first," said Rice, explaining that Turkey would have to deal with incursions by Kurdish terrorists in some other way, saying that "Iraq is already taken."

Turkish authorities balked, noting that that their terrorists were coming in from Northern Iraq.

In response, Rice reportedly told the Turks that "there are plenty of great opportunities for a nice, clean invasion elsewhere." She suggested, among other countries, Iran, North Korea, Syria, Gambia, Lichtenstein, Malta and Prague. "Some of these countries have the benefit of being very small and Prague simply has great coffee and pastries," she explained.

"This is outrageous," Turkish Minister Burak Mevlana said. "The U.S. acts like it owns Iraq."

An anonymous official from the State Department said that that was exactly right. "We broke it, we bought it, and we're still making the payments," he noted.

Presence Of More Private Mercenaries Needed To Stop Anti-Mercenary Inspired Violence, He Says

President Bush today, responding to Iraqi demands that private security force Blackwater USA be withdrawn from Iraq, immediately proposed a "surge" in Blackwater personnel to deal with the problem.

"Although keeping Blackwater in Iraq may lead to an increase in violence," said Bush, "we have to keep Blackwater there in order to contain the violence."

Iraqis were irate about a recent incident in which Blackwater mercenaries allegedly gunned down Iraqi civilians without provocation. "We're investigating that," Bush told reporters, adding that Blackwater may have been justified in "preemptively attacking" the civilians.

A New York Times article published today revealed that Blackwater employees have an "aggressive, quick draw image" and have been involved in many more shootings than any other mercenary force the U.S. has brought into Iraq.

President Bush today acknowledged that Blackwater USA did indeed fire their weapons far more often than others, but observed, "That just means they're happy."

Bush said that there were plans to withdraw private security forces, such as Blackwater, from Iraq as soon as Iraq was able to train and maintain private mercenaries of their own.

Foreign analyst Miles Becker agreed with Bush that the presence of Blackwater was helping to create private Iraqi military forces. "They're called insurgents," said Becker.

President Rudy Giuliani astonished Americans during his first ten days in offi--

Editor's note: Excuse me, readers, this is my wife calling. I have to take this. -- Hello? Yes, I'm writing the blog. I will put in your joke. I love you, too.--

President Rudy Giuliani astonished Americans during his first ten days in office when he declared a fiscal emergency, revealing that the United States was bankrupt and--

Sorry. -- Hello? What? They're in the dish in the foyer. Yes, I'm sure. Ok? Bye. --

President Rudy Giuliani astonished Americans during his first ten days in office when he declared a fiscal emergency, revealing that the United States was bankrupt. In an emergency order designed to "keep government running" for at least "a few more days", Giuliani cut taxes completely in order to dramatically raise revenue--

--What?! Oh. Yes. I love you too.--

In an emergency order designed to "keep government running" for at least "a few more days", Giuliani cut taxes completely in order to dramatically raise revenue.

"Eliminating taxes is the only measure that will provide the government with enough of an increase in income to keep afloat," Giuliani said in a nationwide address before taking a call from his tailor, who had some questions about an inseam.

The past month or so in brief:

Families Return Rove, Gonzales To White House

After U.S.-Sponsored Tour, Couric Says Hindenberg "Totally Safe", Pronounces Titanic "Unsinkable"

RNC To Remove Men's Stalls From Republican Convention Center

Australians Send Bush Back To Iraq

Sen. Craig Reconsidering Decision To Tap Foot, Wave Hands

GOP Admits Entire Party Made Up Of Aggressive Gay Predators Intent On Seducing Children On Internet and Having Sex With Male Prostitutes In Toilets

Surprise Visit By Bush Scares "Bejesus" Out Of U.S. Soldiers, Gives Them "The Dickens"

Sen Craig To Spend More Time With Family In Men's Stalls

Gonzales To Spend More Time With Karl Rove's Family

Bush Offers Vick Job At Guantanamo Prison

Craig Accidentally Places Penis In Ass of Man Standing Next To Him

Rove's Departure To Cause Drooling, Loss of Motor Function, Say Docs

Faced with the imminent departure of White House Political Director Karl Rove, otherwise known as "Bush's Brain," White House officials acknowledged that the President will be effectively lobotomized.

Aides said that even the President's basic motor functions would suffer upon Rove's departure. "It will be difficult for the President to lift a finger without having Karl there to tell him how to do it," said Monica Kressky, a White House aide.

Should the White House fail to find a replacement for Mr. Rove, doctors said, it may become necesary to put the President on life support, as even his ability to control autonomic and entirely unconscious activities such as breathing or denying that the Iraq war is a total disaster may become impaired.

Indeed, the possibility that Bush might have to make decisions without a political motive has many White House members panicked. "We're terrified," said one aide, "The President might have to base policy decisions on what the greater good would be for the American people."

Republican Senate Minority Leader John Boehner agreed. "Proposing real solutions to real problems?" He shuddered. "This could mean the end of the GOP as we know it today."

Keep Innocence A Secret, Says Bush

Last week, President Bush instructed his former counsel, Harriet Miers, not to comply with a House subpoena in order to conceal his role in not having anything to do with the U.S. Attorney firings. Miers, in turn, failed to testify about their complete non-communication.

Miers said that that she would be perfectly willing to tell Congress that Bush had nothing to do with the firings as long as she was not under oath, and her statements were not recorded. Asked if she spoke with the President about speaking about the firings, Miers offered to answer reporters as long as they did take notes on her statements, and if she mimed her answer behind a large black screen.

President Bush defended his decision to invoke executive privilege today. "It's very important not to brag about how aboveboard and legal this whole process was," says Bush.

Congressmen were of two minds about Miers's absence at a hearing last week. "It is outrageous that a citizen would refuse to obey the order of the American people to show up and account for herself," said Congressman Bink Stoddart.

But Congressman John Conyers was not altogether displeased with Miers' empty chair. "She sounds more credible than when she actually shows up."

Addendum: WHite House counsel Fred Fielding defended the President's assertion of executive privilege, saying, "If the President's aides were to testify about their advice to the President about the commission of crimes, the President's ability to commit crimes would be greatly chilled."

In light of his commutation of what he called the "excessive sentence" of I. Lewis Libby today, President Bush has agreed to review all sentences in the United States because "that would only be fair."

"Judges and panels of judges routinely review excessive sentence claims throughout the land," said Bush, " but the Libby case has made me see that our exhaustive system of appellate review is flawed."

The judge in the Libby case followed strict federal guidelines written by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission, which labored for years to write an exacting code that was designed to ensure that all felons were treated equally. "What the guidelines do not take into account," said Bush, "is that some felons are more equal than others."

"These so-called 'guidelines' do not give adequate guidance to judges in certain cases," Bush said. His voice quavered as he added, "Some people -- for instance, rich and the powerful Republicans who, through no mistake of their own, are accidentally caught breaking the law -- sometimes do not receive proper treatment." Bush was then too overcome by emotion to continue with his statement. He retired to his residence on Kennebunkport to swill beer with President Putin, who agreed with the President's actions.

"In my country when pipples lied to the State, we tortured them," the former head of the KGB said, "except when they were fellow KGB. Then we clapped them on the back and danced with vodka bottles on our heads."

Other felons praised the President's decision. George Finnerty, a real estate maven doing six years for lying the I.R.S. about his income, said that Bush had "given all liars real hope."

Douglas W. Cox, who got ten months for testifying falsely about the ownership of five vending machines [pdf], prayed for Bush's forgiveness but was pessimistic. "I didn't come close to obstructing a Federal investigation of crime at the very highest levels of government," said Cox, shaking his head. "I don't think I qualify for the Libby treatment."

For her part, Lady Justice was happy to hear about President Bush's actions. "I'm so glad I'm not completely blind," she said.

For the last four years, [Vice President Cheney] has been defying a presidential order requiring executive branch agencies to account for the classified information they handle. When the agency that enforces this rule tried to do its job, Mr. Cheney proposed abolishing the agency.

Mr. Cheney, who has been at the heart of the administration's darkest episodes, has bizarre reasons for doing that. The Times reported that the vice president does not consider himself a mere member of the executive branch.

In response to inquiries concerning his failure to follow the laws applying to the White House and the Executive Branch of the U.S. Government, Dick Cheney revealed today that he is his own branch of government. Mr. Cheney, who will no longer go by the title of Vice President, said that he had not previously disclosed this information "for national security reasons." The new branch of government will be known as the Undisclosed Branch of Government, spokesmen said. The title of the branch of government -- and Mr. Cheney's actual title -- is classified.

Mr. Cheney disclosed that his office encompasses Executive, Congressional, and Judicial functions. In an usual display of cnador, aides to Cheney announced that, just as he spends time in the White House and the Capitol Building, he also spends a significant amount of time working at the Supreme Court. "This is one of the heretofore 'undisclosed locations,'" an aide divulged. The aide, who did not reveal his name because he feared future indictment by prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, said that Cheney was secretly known as "the Tenth Justice".

Critics said that Mr. Cheney was out of line. "He can't just create his own branch of government," said Constiutional Scholar Professor Jenna Blinkerton. "That, in itself, is against the law."

Cheney responded that his critics were "giving aid and comfort to the enemy" after which the FBI took Professor Blinkerton into custody and placed her in a naval brig in North Carolina.

Mr. Cheney also contended that if he were breaking a law, he could only be prosecuted by the Other Undisclosed Branch of Government, which is made up of his wife, Lynn Cheney, his daughters, one of his dogs, and Alberto Gonzales.

Karl Rove was absolutely stunned to discover that his deletion of emails resulted in their deletion, a lawyer for Rove said today. "Mr. Rove thought that his emails would still be there after he deleted them," the lawyer explained.

Mr. Rove spent many painful hours regretting the tragedy. "If he had hair, he would have pulled it out," said Robert Luskin, Rove's attorney. "He was fit to be tied."

"Those emails are now missing?!?" Rove reportedly said in astonishment yesterday. "But they were supposed to be preserved because of Federal law and a pending criminal investigation!!!!" Rove then demanded to know who the h___ deleted them and was "absolutely crestfallen" to learn that he had done so.

"I was just trying to tidy up my electronic desktop," he sobbed. Some who witnessed Rove's tantrum said that he then held his face in hands as he murmured, "The horror, the horror." Others said that Rove was saying, "Sanjaya, Sanjaya," apparently referring to a performer on American Idol, but that could not be confirmed.

Rove railed against the incompetence of administrators who failed to insure that a proper backup system had been kept, and apparently had to be restrained by trained paramedics when he subsequently discovered that over five million White House emails had also probably been destroyed. Onlookers initially thought that Rove may have been upset that more emails had not been "purposely mislaid," but Rove later made it clear that he was shell-shocked and saddened by the mistake.

"How could this Administration be so incompetent that it can't keep a copy of a single email?" he said. "We can't afford to make these kinds of mistakes. I mean, what if we had to go to war?"

Historically no member of government has been so distraught since a Nixon aide accidentally threw a briefcase containing important White House records relating to the Watergate scandal into a river.

Monica Goodling, an aide to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, is refusing to testify before Congress this week. She is invoking the Fifth Amendment on the grounds that the Senate Judiciary Committee "might ask her questions in a public forum under oath on a Thursday."

She also took the Sixth and Seventh Amendments in an abundance of caution.

Reluctant witnesses all over the country -- that is, members of the Bush Administration -- were inspired by Goodling's stance.

Sources now say Gonzales is thinking of taking the Third Amendment this coming Thursday, and Karl Rove has now agreed not to testify on the grounds that it may infuriate him.

Vice President Cheney is looking to invoke some part of the Constitution, but has been unable to find so far any part of the Constitution that means anything to him.

In fact, Republicans everywhere said that, if forced to testify before Congress, they will invoke the Prime Directive, saying that they are part of an advanced civilization and cannot help America's primitive society.

"I'm going to take the Eighteenth," said one man, immediately taking a long pull on a fifth of Irish whiskey.

Experts agreed with Goodling's invocation of the Fifth Amendment. "It could certainly incriminate her to testify," said legal scholar Chaimlich Manure. "Requiring a Republican to talk under oath is essentially an instant perjury trap."

Note: I have some remarks on Goodling's invocation of the Fifth over at Talking Points Memo (posing as the mysterious "TPM reader TB").

Researchers have discovered an 18-day gap in the 3,000 documents on the U.S. Attorney purge released this week by the Justice Department.

To: Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General
From: Paul McNulty, Deputy Attorney General

Judge,

I'm concerned that the Democrat Congress is going to require us to testify and swear under oath soon. What should we say?

Paul

Paul,

What the hell is this "testimony" and "oath swearing"? As you may know, I was a Judge in Texas and these concepts are not used down there.

Judge

Judge,

You and I both know the President's views on swearing, and he says he will be G-d effing damned if a member of his office is forced to swear in public.

Harriet Miers

Judge,

They say they want the truth.

Paul

Paul,

I want the truth to come out just as much as the next man. The next man being Karl Rove.

Judge

To: Karl Rove

Seeking your instructions on giving the truth on the U.S. Attorney matter. Please advise.

Paul McNulty
Sent from my Blackberry handheld handholding device

Paul,

You know that saying, the truth shall set you free? Have you ever heard the saying, the truth shall get you five to fifteen, or three to five if you become a cooperating witness?

Rove

Karl,

So we should lie?

Paul

Paul,

I was joking. I want the truth to come out as much as the next man. The next man being Dick Cheney.

Karl

Dick,

Seeking advice on testifying before Congress on the U.S. Attorney thing. Karl said something about the truth, but it was unclear.

Judge

Judge,

I want the truth to come out. Preferably in a small room with the blinds drawn and some very loud music playing over it. And no transcripts! Tell them we'll let them take notes on cocktail napkins. Black cocktail napkins that they have to leave with us.

Dick

Dick,

And by truth you mean?

Judge

Judge,

The same stuff we do whenever our lips move.

Dick
Sent from my secret Blackberry handheld Spy-o-later^®

Dick,

Hypothetically: If someone were to kind of bend the truth under oath, they could still be nominated to the Supreme Court, right?

Judge

Judge,

Please direct questions like this to Justice Roberts.

Dick

President Bush issued a pardon for prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald today in order to "excuse him" for the "skewed system of justices" that caused the conviction of I. Lewis Libby earlier this week.

The pardon for Fitzgerald came after conservatives convicted Fitzgerald of treason in a secret courtroom located in a small country near the coast of Florida, sources said.

The President also put John Bolton in charge of fixing what he called "broke justice." "This trial of Libby was a travesty," said Bolton.

Mary Matalin, Cheney's longtime counselor agreed. "Everyone knows the only fair trial is one where Republicans decide the outcome behind closed doors," she said.

Bolton gave some indication of the reforms he planned to bring to the American criminal justice system. "First thing we do is kill all the lawyers," he said.

The President's pardon of Fitzgerald came as a complete surprise, especially since conservatives have been calling for a pardon of Libby, not Fitzgerald. The President has suggested that he has no plans to pardon Libby, although he had privately indicated that -- perhaps in honor of Libby -- he plans to have a serious memory lapse shortly after the next Presidential election.

In other news, Guantanamo detainees are petitioning their U.S. captors for "the Libby treatment."

Hat tip to R.S.

by Guest Blogger Victor Barall

Washington, D.C., November, 2016 - The Republican "Dream Team" of Laura Bush and the elder Barbara Bush swapped control of the White House with the Clinton dynasty today, ending eight years of Democratic rule. The Republicans decided that Laura Bush and Barbara Bush would become the Republican "Dream team" to retake American governance from the Clinton clan, and their gamble paid off.

Historians believe that Barbara, 92, and Laura, 65, will be the first mother-in-law, daughter-in-law ruling duo since the late Roman Empire.

The new "points of light," as they called themselves, campaigned successfully despite some rocky patches.

The campaign took a serious downturn when disaffected Bush family handler, James Baker IV -- still fuming over George W's dismissal of the 2006 Iraq Commission Report as "just so many dictionary words" -- leaked that Barbara, almost completely senile, stalked the Kennebunkport family compound muttering, "Read my lips. No nudes, Texas!" However, the campaign bounced back when Laura successfully distanced herself from her disastrously inept husband by telling voters, "I did not have sex with that man!"

A highly placed anonymous source, Calvin Coolidge IV, conceded that Barbara and Laura had not been not the first choice of the party wise men. "We had hoped to run Jenna and the younger Barbara" – the First Daughters of the second George. But, Coolidge said, "their probation officer refused to let them stand for elective office until they had finished their community service."

Gov. Chelsea Clinton is still smarting from losing her bid to keep the White House in Clintonian control, but no one is more distraught than senior Senator Barack Obama, who failed once again to win the Democratic Presidential nomination this election season.

"That's all right," said Obama. "I have two daughters."

Written by Victor Barall in a moment of dynastical apoplexy. Many thanks!

Feels Adding "i" To Beginning Of Every Word Will Make Ideas Look New And Vital

President Bush, wearing a black turtleneck and jeans, announced today what he called "an amazing new invention" that he said would "revolutionize the way we fight the Iraq war" and "make previous Iraq war policies look dumb." He called it "the i-Iraq", and said that he got the idea while surfing "the Google."

In a two-hour long slideshow, Bush outlined the features of the "iStrategy" which he frequently praised as "absolutely innovatical," and "amazing." The new strategy device would come with a patented "LMS" key, for a "last-minute surge" to overwhelm all opposition, as well as a function that will produce troops from virtually nowhere, create something from nothing, and replace any civil war with a fully functioning peaceful representative democracy.

The iStrategy also has long lasting batteries, automatic and periodic face-saving, reality muting, and a small switch on the side that turns off the advice of top-ranking military experts.

The device will operate with "unilateral gesturing," which the President has also patented.

The unveiling of the new device caused an audience of yes-men to applaud spontaneously no less than sixty-two times.

Reporters asked Steve Jobs if Bush was trying to steal his ideas for Apple's new iPhone, but Jobs dismissed the comparison.

"They're totally different," Jobs said. "Our phone works."

A funeral home mistakenly switched the caskets of James Brown and Gerald Ford, so that the former world leader was presented at the Apollo Theater while James Brown lay in state at the Capitol.

Confused fans of the godfather of soul gazed at the body of Gerald Ford and a musical celebration at the Apollo suffered a drastic change of program. "Sex Machine" and "I Feel Good" were replaced by "Jimmy Crack Corn" and "Camptown Races," two of the deceased President's favorite standbys.

"Gerald Ford forever revolutionized the way music is performed and played here in America," said Rev. Al Sharpton, "and we are the better for it." He also lauded Ford for his fantastic slogan, "Whip Inflation Now," leading the crowd in a chant of "WIN! WIN! WIN!"

Meanwhile, the cream of Washington society gathered at the Capitol and paraded by the Godfather of Soul, desperately trying to stay in rhythm. "This is hard," said Cokie Roberts, snapping her fingers frantically.

President Bush praised James Brown for healing the nation during one of America's greatest crises. "James Brown's middle-of-the-road policies saved this nation," said Bush, calling him "a good, decent, moderate spirit" who "did amazing things dancing with microphone stands."

In what some called a desperate gambit to retain Republican control of the Senate, Majority Leader Bill Frist announced today that he had examined a videotape and pronounced recovering Senator Tim Johnson dead.

"I will remain Majority Leader and the Republicans will continue to hold the Senate," he said in a press conference this morning.

Dr. Frist's diagnosis added another strange chapter onto the surprising developments in the Senate after Senator Johnson suffered an unusual stroke and recieved emergency surgery. Contrary to Sen. Frist's diagnosis, Sen. Johnson is doing well and his family and the rest of the nation wish nothing less than that he make a full and complete recovery.

Sen. Dr. Frist made the diagnosis after viewing videotapes, not of Senator Johnson in his current condition, but of speeches by former House Majority Leader Tom Delay.

A spokeman for Sen. Frist explained that his diagnosis was made in the great Republican tradition of seeing the world as one wants to see it, as opposed to how it actually is. "That's how you effect change in the world, from the force of sheer will," said the spokesman, who then ate a baloney sandwich that he claimed was filet mignon.

Had Frist been correct, the Republican Governor of South Dakota would have been able to appoint a Republican to take Johnson's spot, thus giving the Republicans control of the 50-50 Senate, given Dick Cheney's ability to cast the deciding vote in any tie.

As it is, Democrats were actually relieved by Frist's move. Craig Calendar, a plumber from Montana who gives quotes to newspapers in his spare time, said, "Given the Republicans' track record these past six years, if they say that Johnson is dead, that means that he is, without doubt, very much alive and doing very, very well."

We wish Senator Johnson a speedy recovery and a long and satisfying life.

Digg this story.

Iraq Plan Development Needs Further Development, Some Say

President Bush decided to defer a decision on when he will decide on a new approach to the Iraq war until "some time next year," although he has not decided exactly when his deciding will take place.

"This was a very hard decision for the President to make," said White House spokesman Tony Snow. "I don't know if you appreciate the hard-nosed decisiveness a decision to defer requires."

Experts praised the President's decisiveness. Dr. Nathaniel Winthrop, an expert in foreign affairs who recently met with President Bush, pointed out that "the Iraq Study Group took many months and many people to issue their report, and here, well, the President is only one man and he has a lot more voices to listen to."

White House spokesmen refused to confirm that the President listens to a lot of voices, but a source who asked to remain anonymous stated that he was sure that the President heard a lot of them.

"It takes an iron will to resist the public pressure to make a snap decision about when to formulate a change in policy," said Dick Cheney, who had decided to let the President decide this one on his own.

"And when will you decide to tell us that you've decided?" reporters asked during a recent sighting of the President.

"I'll let you know," said the President with a wink.

In Memoriam

We at Opinions You Should Have are very sad to see Donald Rumsfeld -- the perfect satiric target -- leave the Pentagon for greener pastures.

We have mentioned Secretary Rumsfeld many times on these pixeled pages.

Below, some of our favorites.

A prominent male hooker, Dirk Blackman, was forced to give up his position as the head of a large national prostitution ring when it was revealed that he had repeatedly had sex with sleazy evangelical leader Ted Haggard.

Members of the prostitution ring were shocked by the allegations. "There are some things that you don't even do for money," said one man, who gave his name as Johnny Lovehandles, bemoaning Blackman's "intimate physical contacts" with the virulently anti-gay and shamefully untrustworthy pastor.

The Haggard scandal was the latest in a string of revelations concerning male prostitutes fraternizing with conservative right-wing figures, including the bombshell that male exotic dancer Milli Flotilla had turned his Miami dressing room into a secret shrine filled with revealing photographs of Rush Limbaugh and Sen. Bill Frist photoshopped to depict them in compromising scenarios involving Dennis Hastert and a constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage.

At first Blackman denied that he had sex with that "theological conman," saying that Haggard had been sent to his Denver hotel room and that he had only gotten a quick sermon. Yesterday Blackman admitted that some of the charges were true, but denied that he had ever supported social security privatization.

Today Blackman is entering the William F. Buckley Clinic for the Sexually Obsessed With Hypocritical Conservatives.

Condoleeeza Rice Has No Recollection of Meeting

Highly placed sources say that CIA Director George Tenet called an emergency meeting with Dennis Hastert in 2001 to warn him of concerns he had regarding Congressman Mark Foley's interactions with pages. Tenet allegedly told Hastert of inappropriate emails and internet messaging in an effort to convince Hastert that there was a "possibly serious campaign problem."

Hastert denies such a meeting ever took place. "Nobody ever thought that a Congressman could use a computer to target pages," said Hastert.

Majority Leader John Boehner went further. "I didn't know we had pages," he said.

Some Republicans blamed the parents. "Who would put attractive underage boys and girls within reach of Washington's congressmen?" said Majority Whip Roy Blunt, calling the actions of parents of pages "negligent and irresponsible."

Sources say that Tenet later prepared a Majority Party Briefing (MPB) for Hastert entitled "Foley Determined To Type in U.S.," after which Hastert responded, "All right. You've covered your ass, now."

Americans did not know what to make of the latest news in the Foley scandal. "It's shocking," said Oklahoman Amelia Pissle. "But now that we know about it, I'm sure that it could never happen again."

President Bush and the White House are involved in intense negotiations over the final shape of a bill that Bush will not follow once it becomes law.

"It is very important to the President that he and the Senate agree on the precise contents of the law he will not be obeying," said White House spokesman Tony Snow, explaining the President's particular interest in the negotations.

"There must be a real spirit of give and take, of true compromise, in fashioning what will soon be completely irrelevant to the White House," agreed Senators John McCain, Lindsay Graham, and John Warner, the principal lawmakers demanding completely cosmetic and ultimately meaningless concessions from the faux-conciliatory Executive Branch.

President Bush and the White House had been adamant that the Senate pass a law that allows for an "expanded view" of what kind of interrogations are permissible under the Geneva Conventions, but, in the face of opposition from McCain and others, are now signalling that they may give up some of their specific demands just to get the law through Congress.

After that, the President will issue a "signing statement" reiterating his belief that laws are not binding upon him.

Some Senators insisted that the negotiations were important to maintain America's moral authority and credibility on human rights internationally. "At all costs, we must at least maintain the appearance that we have a real working system of checks and balances," said a senator who wished to remain anonymous because his statements are usually entirely absurd.

Cletis Fishkill, an inmate doing twenty to life in a prison in Fishkill, New York, expressed his admiration for President Bush.

"Damn," he said. "I gotta get me some of them signing statements."

Alternatives to "Alternate Interrogation"

Constructive euphemisms for torture that our President overlooked in his recent speech on the subject:

Ultimate Interrogation^™

Desperately Curious Questioning

Seriously Persistent Inquiry

Absurdly Thorough Answer-Seeking

Interior Cranial Inspection

Physically Deep and Penetrating Philosophical Investigation

Militarily-Aided Meditation on the Nature of the Self.

Update: Possible Compromises on the President's Torture bill:

We'll only torture people some of the time.

Subject gets to listen to song of his choosing every three waterboarding sessions.

Subject gets a coupon with every false confession.

Subject gets to keep his fingernails. In a plastic jar.

NEW ORLEANS, Aug. 29 -- President Bush, addressing the nation on the anniversary of New Orleans' devastation by Hurricane Katrina, promised "a never-ending flow of empty rhetoric to the areas that need it most." He vowed to continue speechifying about New Orleans "even after New Orleans is long gone," and to do whatever was necessary to convince the American people that he was doing whatever was necessary.

"The words I spoke last year in Jackson Square are still as marginally credible today as they were then," he said.

Bush spoke to a crowd of former New Orleans citizens who agreed with Barbara Bush that being displaced from their homes and losing their jobs was "really working out for them."

At the end of his speech, White House staffers removed the enormous electric generators powering the truckloads of media equipment set up to capture the speech, and Bush fled in his helicopter, leaving New Orleans without a public hospital, sanitation, law enforcement, adequate electricity, or any of the basics of any viable city system currently existing in the United States.

Implore Cheney, Rumsfeld, Entire White House Staff to Follow Suit

Anguished Americans implored President Bush to "take much longer vacations" after Bush cut his record-long summer vacations somewhat shorter this year.

"The more brush he clears, the better off we are," said Samuel P. Langerhans, a doctor in Maine. Dr. Langerhans reflects the belief of a growing number of Americans who have become aware that Bush's vacations may have been the only thing standing between America and complete disaster. "As bad as things are, imagine if Bush had been working for more than four of the six years he's been in office," said Langerhans.

Signs that many Americans agree with Langerhans abound: A group of concerned Americans has taken a collection to send Bush on a "very, very, very long cruise." In order to increase the chances that Bush would accept such a gift, the group took pains to diguise their offering as a gift from a prominent but corrupt American CEO.

Felix Unterschlocken, a public administration expert, said that studies showed that, contrary to popular belief, New Orleans would not have been saved had Bush actually been paying attention last summer.

"We would have lost Dallas and Orlando, too," he said.

George W. Bush tells Hezbollah to "stop doing this shit."

Prescott Bush tells Hitler to "cut it out."

Abner Bush tells Khoumeni to "lay off."

Jeroboam Bush tells Alexander the Great to "ease up."

Erraticus Bush tells Caligula to "chill out."

Poppy Bush tells Ida Amin to "chew slowly."

Update: I see the incomparable Kevin Hayden of The American Street has added to the list in the comments. Let's see how far we can go.

Further update: Best Blogging on the Mideast Crisis goes to Billmon of Whiskey Bar (this, for example is just brilliant) and Bill Scher of Liberal Oasis. Absolute must-reads, both of them.

"Some in Washington say we had to choose between cutting taxes and cutting the deficit," President Bush said in a brief appearance at the White House to highlight the new estimates. "Today's numbers show that that was a false choice. The economic growth fueled by tax relief has helped send our tax revenues soaring."

The Republican leadership in Washington decided this week that, as a last-ditch effort to stop the deficit from spiralling out of control, it would eliminate taxes entirely.

"We've seen that tax revenues increase whenever we cut taxes," said Rep. James Sensenbrenner. "It only recently occurred to us that if we got rid of them altogether, we'd end up with a surplus."

House Republicans championed Sensennbrenner's realization. "He's brilliant," said Dennis Hastert. "He's as good at economics as he is at nuclear physics."

Professor Finn O'Gerlockheit of the Brookings Institution hailed the new House plan, which is expected to be passed this weekend, moved through the Senate, and made law by next Friday. "we need budget relief and we need it now."

Tax relief evangelist Grover Norquist was more sanguine, however. "I now understand that we'll hardly be able to drown government in the bathtub if we cut taxes. After the enormous flood of revenue that comes in, government will, sadly, be bigger than ever."

"It makes perfect sense," said Economics Professor Linda Blenner. "When we cut taxes for the rich, the money trickles down onto everyone else. Well, now the rich will be turning a firehose on America."

Republicans cautioned that when they speak of eliminating taxes entirely, they mean taxes for only those earning $100,000 or more. "We think it's fair that the people deriving the most benefit from the tax cuts -- wage earners -- help start the cascade that moves up the ladder and gradually right back down on them."

GOP Also Outraged

Kenneth Lay argued strenuously with St. Peter upon discovering that he was not permitted to take his vast fortune to the afterlife.

"Then what was the point of doing away with the estate tax?" he argued.

Outraged Republicans leapt to defend Lay and vowed to pass an emergency bill giving Lay "much needed" relief. "Kenneth Lay made a lot of money, he was punished for his crimes, and he paid the ultimate penalty: he died for his sins," said Senator Bill Frist, "Now the afterlife is trying to penalize him again. It amounts to double taxation."

Republican pundit Ann Coulter advocated burning money left behind by deceased moguls a a disincentive to "the otherwordly." "If we can't take it with us, then nobody should be able to have it."

Lay finished his argument with St. Peter by bilking St.Peter out of millions, which constituted the Saint's "whole afterlife savings," sources said.

St. Peter refused to disclose where Lay was to be consigned by the Almighty , but hinted that it might not be as nice as a minimum security Federal Prison Camp.

Trial Next Thursday, Bush Says

In a hastily called press conference early this morning, George W. Bush fixed reporters with a steely eye and told them that the New York Times was no more, calling it "the paper of the broken record."

The White House was quick to note that the New York Times would be convicted of treason in a completely fair trial before a military tribunal next Thursday. The judge will not be permitted to see the evidence because of national security concerns; but President Bush has already personally assured him that the New York Times was "way guilty." The New York Times was not earlier given notice of the trial or execution for fear that that would "give aid and comfort to the terrorists."

The President appeared puzzled by a question from a reporter asking how the White House could convict the paper using a military tribunal similar to that which the Supreme Court ruled illegal yesterday. The President, smirking, scratched his head and said, "That applied to Guantanamo. Last I heard, the New York Times wasn't anywhere near Cuba."

George W. Bush and his staff concluded that the New York Times committed treason last week when it published details of a secret government program to sift banking data, and President Bush ordered that the newspaper "be hung by the neck until dead" in a secret missive signed by the President yesterday afternoon. The newspaper was hung, drawn, and quartered shortly after midnight this morning.

Last night, using a mammoth crane, the White House lifted the famous, massive Times building off its foundation and hung it until the backbone of the building snapped in two. Over a million copies of today's paper, which had been printed but not yet distributed, were pulled apart by teams of horses.

Times readers reacted with outrage over the execution, demanding the immediate return of their subscription fees.

The United States withheld its dues from the World Cup Organization this week after a dispute over the shape of the ball and the rules of the game.

"The WCO has no authority to tell us how to play football," said Government Representative John R. Bolton. "We're not gonna let a bunch of meddling Europeans tell us when we can touch our balls," he added.

Secretary of State Condolleeza Rice agreed and went even farther. "The United States alone will decide where we take our ball and who we play with," she said while visiting the home of an oppressive dictator.

The United States has been furious that its resolution to change the shape of the soccer ball to an ovoid was rejected by the World Cup Security Council without debate. U.S.-WCO relations then completely imploded when the WCO sanctioned the United States for preemptively invading the locker room of Italy before last weekend's match.

Tension is mounting in the U.S. in view of the administration's attempts to influence the upcoming Thursday match with Ghana, who the U.S. has to beat in order to have a chance to advance to the second round of the Cup. In an early misttep, the United States sent Henry Kissinger, who compares soccer to warfare or theater, to negotiate new rules with the Ghanian representatives.

"I don't know why the United States has such a difficult time playing well with others," said Professor Bean Valence, Director of American Studies at the University of Wallamaloo.

John Bolton disagreed. "All we want is a level playing field," he said.

President George Bush surprised himself in Baghdad this week by boldly predicting that he had "turned a corner."

"Today I looked myself in the eye," he said, "and I liked what I saw."

President Bush had originally travelled to Iraq to encourage Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki to establish a true democracy "just like America's," he said. "You know, with illegal wiretapping, policies determined by extreme religious groups, the whole works."

Bush, swollen with pride after U.S. troops successfully killed terrorist leader Musab al-zaquari, told the Iraqi people that everything was on the upswing for him now. "I don't read the polls," he told them, "but I sure want the ones I'm not reading to be really good."

When pressed by reporters to say something about the future of Iraq, he told them he was confident that Iraq's poll numbers would get better, too.

Cross-posted in slightly different form at LiberalOasis.

Congressmen were furious this week over what they call unfair treatment at the hands of law enforcement authorities.

Rep. James Sensenbrenner, who this week helmed a congressional inquiry into the search of a congressman's office pursuant to a warrant, voiced his outrage. "We want to be searched without warrants like everybody else," said Sensenbrenner. "We're tired of being treated like second class citizens."

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert agreed, and added that the recent search was dangerous. "I think it has been well established that getting warrants poses a threat to the security of the nation," he said.

Politiicians' indignation stemmed from the search of Congressman William Jefferson's office, which was searched by the FBI after agents found $90,000 in a freezer in his home.

Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi agreed with Republicans that the search was "inappropriate." "I don't mind that this may have been a fishing expedition, " she said. "But the process was just so disgustingly open and transparent."

The White House has tried this week to make amends and set politicians' minds at ease. During a pause in questioning witnesses at the House inquiry, Sensenbrenner quietly muttered to himself that he was "so damn thirsty." Minutes later, NSA agents brought him a glass of water.

"Now," Sensenbrenner said, "that's more like it."

National Guard officials said Tuesday that they were confident that they cou