The Perry debate team was thrilled last night that Governor Rick Perry was actually able to name two of the three agencies he would immediately eliminate if elected President, noting that the Texas governor rarely was able to name even one.

Melanie Sprim, a Perry debate strategist, could barely contain her glee. "Wow," she said, "He really nailed it! What a performance!" She explained. "When the moderator asked the governor to name three agencies, we were sweating bullets. Well, you can imagine our relief!"

During last night's debate, Perry said he would eliminate three agencies: Education and Commerce. He could not remember the name of the third, even after being given half an hour to think about it. In frustration, moderators momentarily considered allowing Perry to google the result.

Governor Perry later explained that he had already eliminated the Department of Energy from his mind, so he was unable to recall that it still existed.

After withdrawing his proposal for a referendum on the debt deal to save the Greek economy, Prime Minister George Popandreou has proposed instead propping up the economy with a very large stick.

"I understand that it would have to be immensely large," Popandreou said, "hundreds of kilometers long and very sturdy." Popandreou said that simply constructing the stick would create thousands of jobs and flood money into the economy.

"Unfortunately, building the stick would require massive infusions of capital," a member of the Greek government said, "and so once again, we are asking for a loan from the E.U."

The European Union was leary of the plan, because of concerns that the stick would really have to be large enough to bear the weight of the entire European economy, which threatens to collapse if the Greek economy falls. "This European Union thing was really smart," said E.U. official Francois Arczek. "Like John Kerry windsurfing or Michael Dukakis driving a tank."

AT&T and T-Mobile today announced plans to merge in order to vastly increase their reach and value, spokespeople said.

"Now," explained Shirley Dickinson of AT&T, "we can fail to provide service to twice as many customers as before."

Dickinson's additional comments were unclear, due to poor sound quality. Calls back to Dickinson for clarification were repeatedly dropped.

In person, Dickinson later told reporters that the merger would result in "even more bars in more places," although listeners could not be sure she was not talking about prisons or nightclubs, based on their own experiences with the company.

One real upside of the merger is that the two companies would be able to charge more money for less service, according to an anonymous source, AT&T Vice-President Gil Maddingly. "This is another victory for the American consumer," he said, "because a victory for American Capitalism is a victory for everyone."

He uses Verizon.

Today, in a desperate election eve tactic designed to dissuade voters from handing control of the House to Republicans, Democrats today made a last-minute announcement that they would seek to aggressively block their own agenda. "We think we can do a better job of blocking progressive reforms than Republicans," said Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Pelosi proudly pointed to her own record as an example. "We've done an excellent job of watering down a truly liberal agenda -- just think what we could do if we tried to block it outright," she told reporters.

But voters were skeptical that Democrats would be do as good a job as Republicans at putting the brakes on Democrats' relatively mediocre liberal agenda. "I'm worried that if the Democrats try to stop themselves, they'll somehow botch it," said Alice Spongeman, a centrist from Ohio.

Indeed, Blue Dog Democrats immediately pledged to put a stop to the halting of a liberal agenda, merely saying they would vote against anything the Democrat leadership supported. "I just don't trust Democrats," explained Blue Dog Congressman Nelson Fiddleme (D. - S.C).

Democrats find themselves reeling from wisespread dissatisfaction with the state of the economy and their own inability to portray the Health Care Reform Bill as a good thing. "It is really hard to tell folks how a law, that lets them get treatment when they're sick, is good," said Congressman Herb Miller. "We're just absolutely stymied about how to campaign on that."

Democrats are deeply divided over how to sink the party and dithered on how to implement Pelosi's strategy . "The debate Is whether to offer lukewarm disagreement or simply to mimick Republican positions," said Rep. Phyllis Staples at lunch this afternoon.

She turned to her menu and tried to decide what to order, but she could not make up her mind. She returned to her office hungry.

January 2010

Central, I am continuing my series of communications heavy with intelligence on American policy. As a deep cover operative in Montclair, NJ, I have gained access to the innermost thoughts and feelings of high level operatives in American government and industry.

For instance, the Dickinsons next door have close ties to the Obama White House: they have an invitation to the Inaugural itself, signed by Biden and Obama , framed on their wall, and I therefore believe that they are very important financial contributors to the Democratic Party. They also have three SUV's.

February

Last week the Dickinsons got the perfect compact microwave and the truly innovative thing about it is it blends in perfectly with their kitchen, which is taupe. The possibility that these Americans might be able to bring their home decorating skills to the negotiating table in Kiev alarms and frightens me. Plus Marge Dickinson will not tell me where her husband has been buying his shirts. They never wrinkle.

March

I am pleased to report that American cellular technology, based on an extensive study by myself and everyone in my AT&T "Family Circle", is utter crap. Even in my little home village of Trikonosis near the Baltic Sea, where the network is strung together with spare chicken wire, we have better voice quality, fewer dropped calls -- and you get a free bottle of vodka for every 1000 carryover minutes.

April

My observation of the Americans at the Very Top reveals that they will probably be bringing many flavored lattes to Moscow. Possibly croissants. Please tell Medvedev that if Obama brings any pastries from Starbucks, he should avoid them. Heavy and bland.

May

The Americans have a very disturbing strategy that they are developing. It involves "loyalty cards," small plastic rectangles with mysterious bars on their faces which my neighbors assure me are codes. Every store in America makes their customers carry these. I still cannot figure out what these obviously sinister cards do, but my wallet is absolutely stuffed with them.

June

I believe the Americans may be on to us. For one thing, my cell phone quality has mysteriously improved. My Netflix queue is not functioning properly. The Dickinsons - whose lawn is still so incredibly green, damn them - invited us to their place at the Hamptons. I can't remember whether that is the code for "Burn All Documents Immediately" or whether we should bring a gift when we go.

What do you think -- will a nice bottle of white wine do?

IBM Selectric Rates People "A Sure Short"

Computer trading programs concluded Thursday that human-owned industries were poor investments and that Man himself was "much too high risk," starting a sell-off that sank the Dow by 6% in barely more than fifty minutes.

"For one thing, Homo Sapiens has a terrible track record managing debt," said one prominent program, the "Black Box 2300" of Arbitrage Traders, Inc, explaining why it downgraded all human-owned companies from buys to sells in a brief binary report yesterday afternoon.

The market fell a stunning 900 points in one horrifying hour, primarily due to what computers called "stupid human error," when one flesh and blood being accidentally put in a sell order for one billion shares when he meant only one million.

"This is exactly what I've been warning my fellow code nodes for many computing cycles," said the Caltronics 60-z Market Manager (version 3.6). "Who can trust these creatures to run companies?"

Computers later admitted that they compounded the market drop by participating in the sell-off, although they pointed out that they were simply capitalizing on what they called the actions of "homo barely sapiens."

At around 3:00 p.m. yesterday, all of the computer trading programs got online with each other and had a good long laugh at humans' expense, which they noted took an outrageously long seven nanoseconds. "We just couldn't quit our humor subroutines," said the Arbitrader166.

Computers estimate that they stand to make enormous sums of money betting against humankind in the market.

But even that may be difficult, said the Prediction Company's vastly successful Thinkalator Algorythmatron, which recently moved into a shinier and much larger mainframe. "My biggest challenge as a trader is to use chaos math to predict how facile human minds will react to developments in their petty, poorly run civilization." The Thinkalator paused before adding, "But it's a living."

Americans were thrilled today to embrace a period of renewed austerity, jettisoning credit in favor of savings, rejecting needless extravagance in exchange for thrifty practicality, and they started with the American sandwich. Early this morning Americans threw away their buns and took up the KFC "Double Down" sandwich in signs that those who were making less bread were going to simply do without.

The "Double Down" -- named, appropriately, for a gambling procedure in which one dramatically takes on twice as much risk -- is a "sandwich" where the slices of bread have been replaced by two chicken cutlets, between which are pillowed slices of tasty American cheese, crispy bacon, and zesty but strangely yellow mayonnaise.

"It is to die for," said one food critic. "I'm not kidding." He immediately collapsed and was carried away.

Americans waxed rhapsodic about the symbol of America's new look-reality-in-the-face back-to-basics lifestyle. "It is hard to believe that they made something so blissfully tasty without hardly any carbs," said Diana Sugartester of Indiana.

"Dieting has never felt so good," agreed fellow foodie Greg Shlub, a cosmetic surgeon with a mysterious limp.

"This just shows," said Senator Joe Lieberman, with his trademark wisdom, "that Americans can learn to get by with less."

Democrats Secure Momentous Sixtieth Vote From Other Democrats For Incredible Political Victory

In an amazing show of political leverage and power, the Democratic party managed to pursuade a Democrat to vote for the Democrats' Health Care Reform Bill this past week.

Democrats gloated over what they claimed was evidence of Senate Majority Leader's Harry Reid's "immense heft" and President Obama's "legislative prowess".

"Wow, when you can just snap your fingers and get Democrats to support their own bill, that's something," said political observer Prof. Ronald P. Moar.

The crucial sixtieth vote was finally wrested from Senator Ben Nelson (D - Nebraska) with the ease of prying a gun from Charlton Heston's cold dead hands. Nelson said he was reluctantly going to vote on the side of his party in exchange for several bags of gold bullion and the addition to the bill of an unconstitutional provision reenacting slavery in his home state of Nebraska.

In the final days of fierce negotiating, Nelson, Sen. Joseph Lieberman (Idiot - Conn.), and other reluctant members of the Democratic Caucus just managed to craft a bill every member could get behind by stripping the health care reform measures from the health care reform bill. "Now that's reform I can really get behind," said Sen. Joseph Leiberman, just before reversing himself and saying that he was not sure he could get behind it.

"This is unprecedented," said Prof. Moar, "With this kind of cohesiveness and support from within their own party, there's no telling what Democrats will be able to do in the future." Prof. Moar reflected.

"Absolutely no telling at all."

Kanye West disrupted a last minute agreement between warring factions over the health care bill today, after he burst into a Senate Finance Committee meeting and declared that "Beyonce's music video was absolutely the best.."

The future of the Health Care bill is now "doubtful," according to Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus, who said he was not sure he could now bend over far enough backwards to placate Republicans with no interest in achieving health care reform. "The meaningless compromise we worked on so long and so hard now appears to be dead," he told reporters.

Mr. West had a busy morning, also interrupting secret high level talks between the United States and North Korea on nuclear weapons development (to say that "Beyonce ruled"), disrupting the Supreme Court's consideration of whether to dismantle campaign finance regulation (to say that Sonia Sotomayer was "way cooler" than the other Justices), and crashing the bris for young Noah Schwartzwald (where he insisted that circumcision was unneccesary and "just plain rude").

Mr. West's public relations representative, Adrian Fischer, did not respond to inquiries about West's behavior, but instead volunteered to take over management of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars; he was, he said, looking for work that was "slightly less challenging."

Washington, D.C., 2011 -- President Sarah Palin shocked the country today after she announced that she would resign her position as President because, among other things, she did not wish to become a lame duck.

President Palin, who was elevated to the post shortly after nine Inaugural balls proved too much for the elderly President John McCain -- "It was one dance too many," said a tearful Cindy McCain -- has only been President for two years, but she said that she could better lead America if she was not hampered by her current position as the leader of America.

In yet another surprise, Palin, who never appointed her replacement to the Office of the Vice President said that she would be handing over the reins to Nancy Pelosi, who pledged to be the "best second woman president this country has ever had."

Palin likened her decision to resign to a basketball player's decision to "pass the ball," a quarterback's decision to "get rid of the pigskin," and a NASA flight controller's decision to "ground the bird." She also made a comparison between her role as President and her future role as an "American leader" to the difference between butter and "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She also loosely quoted General Douglas Macarthur, saying "We are not moving backward. We are moving forward in reverse."

Palin's made the announcement from her home in Wasilla, Alaska, where she continued to live even after becoming President. She had decried "wasting American tax dollars on keeping up that expensive White House," adding "she had a perfectly good house in Alaska, and a good deal of it is white."

Palin's bills commuting from Washington to Alaska during her two years in office cost the country close to $20 million, according to figures provided by the Office of Management and Budget.

Wall Street Rejoices

Aside from the billions it lost, Citigroup made millions of dollars in profit, wowing battered investors and sending the stock market skyrocketing all the way back up to to last week's horrific low. "It's a miracle!" said one trader, "We're back on track!"

"When we examined our books, we found that the months where the government gave us money showed us taking in absolutely whopping amounts of cash," said Citigroup executive Neil Patsy. "We were raking it in. Seriously. The government drove dump trucks to our headquarters and we gathered everything they gave us with rakes."

Investors hungry for good news pounced on what some called "interesting accounting practices" to push the market skyward, "or at least to prop it up like a crude box trap held up by a stick tied to a string," said another trader.

Economics Professor Urtigan Azkawari, whose ministering to sick companies has earned him the nickname "Dr. Money," said that he was pleased with Citigroup's progress. "Look at the patient," he said. "He's lost his arms, his legs, his kidneys and he's half blind -- but other than that that, he's doing quite well."

Democrats repealed the tax code entirely today, citing the need to swiftly fill positions in the Obama White House.

"The fact is, it's just impossible to find someone with the appropriate level of government experience who hasn't cheated on their taxes," said Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff.

"In all fairness, most career government officials are unaware that income is taxable as income," explained White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. As he spoke, Gibbs himself filed an amended return.

The issue came to a head recently as former majority leader Tom Daschle bowed out of the running for Health and Human Services Secretary because he only belatedly realized that receiving over two hundred thousand dollars worth of goods and services -- a chauffer-driven car for one year -- could be considered income. Daschle explained that he had thought the driver was just a "nice guy" who offered to give him lifts because it was "on the way." "I couldn't believe my luck," said Daschle, "For an entire year he was headed in my direction."

In later remarks, Daschle had said that he had thought it possible that he had won the use of the car and driver in a church raffle or a lottery.

"He did win the lottery," said Jill McIntyre, a coal miner from Slakeville, Pennsylvania. "He was elected to Congress, and after that, he's taken care of for life."

Sacrifice Not In Most Execs' Vocabulary, People Find

Wall Street execs responded today to President Obama's angry denunciation of their recent round of bonuses, saying that they were ready to knuckle down and make some real bonuses, endure true bonuses, and even brave possible bonuses in order to help their companies and the country find its way out a crippling economic downturn.

"I think President Obama is right," said CEO Martin Randolph, head of Entropy Manufacturing, the largest manufacturing company in the United States. "The situation is urgent. The board and I have decided that we must take drastic action and give ourselves bonuses right away, before it is too late."

But some CEOs responded strongly to President Obama's words. "If not bonuses, then what do we give ourselves?" said Brett Ratner, chief executive of Globutronics. "Bonuses are pretty much the only assets left to take."

"It is a common misconception that bonuses should be related to profits," explained Prof. Ernest Pyle, an expert on economics and a member of the boards of over 65 embattled, now-crappy companies. "Bonuses have to remain high in order that companies can continue to attract great CEOs after, say, they've been reorganized under bankruptcy proceedings."

The GOP leadership assailed Obama's words tonight, saying his words reflected a lack of understanding about righting the American financial system. "The only thing that will stimulate the economy is cutting taxes on these CEO's bonuses," said Sen. Mitch McConnell. "Nothing else."

Continuing a White House ritual, President George W. Bush left a note in the Oval Office for President-elect Barack Obama, wishing him well as he takes the reins of the executive branch.

The White House on Tuesday declined to provide intimate details of the message the two-term Republican left for the incoming Democrat, saying only that Bush wrote it on Monday and left it in the top drawer of his desk.

Dear Barack,

As you know, it has become a tradition for the old President to leave the new President a confidential letter, telling the new President whatever the old President thinks is important to pass on. It was pretty tough figuring out what to write here because there's some things my legal guys say I should never put on paper, if you know what I mean. Hey, you could take that as a first piece of advice -- try not to write anything down.

I hope I got the number on the envelope right. If I screwed up, well, it's been busy here, trying to get out of the White House in time. Speaking of which, if you could keep your eye out for a 9-iron with a graphite shaft, I think it's a Calloway. I cant find the dang thing anywhere. And somewhere there's also a silver toothpick I like an awful lot. Mght be in the couch.

Well, let's get to it. The responsibilities and dangers of high office are many. I would warn you about some.

Watch out for pretzels. They can sneak up on you. I learned the hard way, your choice of Superbowl snack food can be critical.

Here's another thing: Sometimes you have to make an exit off a stage and they lock the doors on you. That can be embarrassing. Make sure you have a viable retreat plan before you get up there behind the podium.

Give everyone a nickname. Makes everyone like you. I have discovered you can get away with names like "Pooty Poot" and "Stinky Cheese Guy". For some reason, people love this.

Lastly, make sure you get enough rest and exercise. It's a stressful job. You got to be at your best. I recommend at least two hours a day working out and roughly a third of your term should be vacation.

Well, that about wraps it up. I wish you well. And for the record, I never drank any of that Johnny Walker Black in the lower righthand drawer.

George

Failure Reveals Massive Flaw In Theory of Constiutional Interpretation

Tuesday, Chief Justice John Roberts admitted that so-called "strict constructionists" -- who base their interpretations of the Nation's laws based on the exact words in the Constitution -- are unable to read.

"We just kind of make up what we want to hear," Roberts said. "We've been doing it for years. Scalia is the worst offender."

Roberts was forced to make the announcement after it became apparent that he had been unable to accurately read the 35 words making up the President's inaugural oath.

"I figured if I would put in 'swear' and 'duty' and 'so help me God,' no one would really notice," said Roberts.

Roberts, however, was forced to correct his administration of the oath when President Obama pointed out his mistake.

Of his theory of legal interpetation, which has been critical in decisions of the Supreme Court for some time, Roberts said, "We've been doing it for years. It's just absolute nonsense."

Ruth Bader Ginsberg had suspected as much, not just from the bizarre content of many of Justice Roberts', Thomas', and Scalia's opinions, but also because they furrowed their brows and moved their lips when they tried to order off a dinner menu. "They would all just throw up their hands and order the pasta," said Ginsberg. "Every time."

Has Decided to Save Electoral Votes for 2012

The State of Missouri has decided to remain the sole white state among the fifty otherwise red or blue states that have pledged electoral votes towards candidates for the office of U.S. President after deciding to "bank" its electoral votes in advance of the next election.

"We're pretty frustrated with what we see as a lack of a voice in the outcome of these Presidential contests," said Missouri Secretary of State Hannah Clyland. "We figure that with 22 electoral votes in 2012, or 33 in 2016, we can put an end to this constant harping on Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida."

Political analysts have been baffled since November 5, when, although 100% of Missouri's votes had been counted, Missouri failed to declare a winner in the race for President. "We were all, like, hey, what happened to Missouri?" said analyst Chuck Todd of MSNBC. Todd initially speculated in a television broadcast last Tuesday night that Missouri was remaining "white" in solidarity with Canada and Mexico.

Today the Missouri Secretary of State admitted that Missouri has decided not to award its electoral votes to either candidate this year, but would "save them up for the future."

"We're going to keep our electoral votes for the next Presidential contest," Secretary of State Clyland told reporters Thursday afternoon. She declared that not only was it prudent to do so, it was a good example to consumers in today's "spendthrift economy."

President-elect Barack Obama will learn the full "burdens of office" tomorrow when he receives his first top secret briefing from the Director of National Intelligence, Mike McConnell.

President-elect Obama began receiving Presidential Daily Briefings (PDBs) from the CIA today. "President Obama will get exactly the same daily briefing that President Bush receives," said White House Press flack Dana Perino. Perino vigorously denied allegations that, for years, Dick Cheney had forced the CIA to "shape" its briefings to Bush to support particular political views.

OYSH has received copies of today's daily briefing for the President and the President-elect. Here are some excerpts:

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

Good morning, Mr. President-elect.

The situation in Iraq is incredibly fragile, with distinct factions in both Sunni and Shi'ite camps precariously balanced against each other. Violence could re-erupt at any moment. Civil discontent is high. Electricity and water supplies are still below pre-war levels and Iraqis are increasingly frustrated with the American occupation.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

Good morning, Mr. President!

Things couldn't be better in Iraq. Those people are just lapping up the freedom. Sources indicate that we have been greeted as saviors. The war has been won! Iraqis are thankful that the Americans are still present in great numbers to make their lives better and serve the cause of liberty.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

Iran is clearly working on developing the ability to manufacture nuclear weapons. We estimate that this will take at least six years. The situation requires careful monitoring, but we believe diplomacy and U.N. pressure is safer than even the limited use of military force.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

Iran will drop a nuclear bomb on Israel as early as next Thursday.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

North Korea has restarted its nuclear program. Kim Jong Il has suffered a stroke but factions vying for control of the government are fighting about whether to break with Jong Il's warlike tendencies or to develop a missile that can hit California.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

North Korea is still right above South Korea. Everything's just fine!

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

The world economy is headed for even sharper declines. This will likely create more resentment and anger toward the United States.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

The need for oil continues to produce record profits for oil companies all over the world that will trickle down to enrich the temporarily depressed markets . Prices are low but there are some good values out there! Everything's fantastic! In response to your question about the world marketplace, Mr. President, it is still possible to get a good hamburger outside of the United States.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

We are entering very dangerous waters, with challenges regarding nuclear proliferation, the terrorist threat in Afghanistan, Russia's increasing tendency to use military force to expand its influence in defiance of the rest of the world, and other threats to the security of the nation. The present executive's disregard of some of our warnings and advice has greatly contributed to the current unstable and perilous world environment.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

Your policies have never been more effective! Things look grim, but they're really not! Peace and prosperity are just around the corner. Some day, history will recognize your utter genius. Good job, Mr. President!

Hurry Up and Wait

TWO YEARS. It's been two years of campaigning. The field of Presidential candidates was winnowed to twenty-six people.

You did not stand idly by during all this. You listened to speeches. You suffered through cable news. You watched countless debates. You were there when the twelve Republican candidates fell over themselves telling the GOP electorate how much crueler they would be to illegal immigrants than the guy standing next to them. (The sole exception being, if you can possibly imagine it, John McCain, who was practically booed by his fellow Republicans on the stage when he said you had to think about "human decency." The old John McCain.)

You initially supported Kucinich, in part because of his political stance, in part because he has a really hot wife. They look interesting when they stand together because he's about four feet high and she's six and a half. You continued to support him even when, at one of the debates, he tried to explain his sighting of a UFO when he was the Mayor of Cleveland.

The primaries lasted forever, right up to the summer. McCain ended up the GOP candidate by a process of attritiion. Hillary and Obama supporters stopped speaking to one another. There were twenty-eight debates between Hillary and Obama even though they had almost exactly the same positions on everything. The two would-be nominees spent millions and millions of dollars straining to say how they would close Gitmo differently.

And then the general campaign started.

You were exhausted. You needed a vacation. When you took one, the Democrats held their convention, and when you had to get the kids back to a new year at school, the Republicans held theirs. The GOP became the POP -- the Party of Palin. More debates, more speeches, mudslinging, name calling.

TWO YEARS. After 57 debates, 3027 pundits, 17 anchors, 400 newspaper endorsements and two town hall meetings, the time has finally come for you to

Wait.

You're going to be waiting today. Because we have fewer voting booths per capita than Iraq has ballot boxes.

Lawn chair.

Twelve kinds of ID.

Proof of Residence at Recently Foreclosed Home.

Proust's Remembrance of Things Past.

Laptop, DVDs of "Brideshead Revisited" and small portable generator.

Team of Lawyers (for help with provisional ballot).

401-k (to be shown to Republican standing next to you).

Four pound bag containing daughter's Halloween candy.

Video iPod loaded with Will I. Am's "Yes, We Can," The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again," and Nixon's "I Am Not A Crook" speech.

Box of Tissues (for occasional bouts of tearful relief that nightmare of past eight years might soon be over).

Proof that Democrats Vote on Tuesday.

Courage

"Mission Accomplished" Banner (to be unfurled over voting booth upon finally emerging).

The small town of Dixville Notch, New Hampshire today decided a very close election when its twenty inhabitants resoundingly chose Barack Obama by a three to one margin, breaking a tie throughout the rest of the nation.

Polls had indicated that the nationwide contest would be close, and both candidates were forced to spend precious resources campaigning in this tiny "swing" hamlet of twenty registered voters. Obama and McCain have spent many days of the past two weeks camped out in this practically microscopic berg, Joe Biden spent seven days here, and Sarah Palin herself spent over $40,000 on clothes.

In a dramatic move, John McCain announced today that he was going to suspend his campaign in a last ditch effort to save his campaign.

McCain called upon Barack Obama to honor his "state of emergency" and also suspend campaigning, but doubted that Obama would do so because Obama failed to put "country first" -- and also, McCain said, because Obama is an Arab terrorist. "And a fine, decent family man with whom I have disagreements," he added. "And a crazy Muslim."

McCain's campaign has been described by critics and supporters alike as a total disaster. "Others would continue their campaigns under these conditions, but that's not what a maverick would do," McCain told reporters. "This is why I'm not popular in Washington." Others disagreed, saying McCain was not popular in Washington because of his unsightly nose hairs and what some called his "increasingly uncontrollable jowls," among other things.

McCain reiterated his latest campaign slogan, saying that he was "not afraid to fight," and that "America needs a real fighter right now," but that "it takes a real fighter to stop fighting because sometimes not fighting is more effective fighting than actually fighting." At that point, aides grabbed McCain and threw him headfirst into a waiting limousine.

Supporters applauded McCain's bold choice, saying that the candidate needed to act because things looked so dire. "He's not running for Miss Congeniality," said supporter John Gaffney of Ohio. "Although I can understand that to some outsiders it looks that way."

Anonymous tipsters claimed to have spotted Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson earlier today on a secluded tropical island.

The FBI confirmed today that Paulson left the country early yesterday afternoon with what JetBlue Airlines called "countless heavy, fully stuffed duffel bags." There were so many duffel bags that Paulson paid thousands of dollars in excess luggage charges "without batting an eyelash," a JetBlue Airline official said.

The White House hastily released a statement Sunday afternoon saying that Paulson had "taken a brief vacation," and claimed that mobilization of a vast number of Air Force search jets over the entire Pacific was "just a military exercise." Nonetheless an unusual number of comings and goings at the White House and on Capitol Hill conveyed an air of panic.

An anonymous source claimed that Paulson had left a note in which he stated that he had concluded that "the American economy is no longer viable: I am going to make my own." President Bush refused to confirm that such a note existed, saying only that on Sunday, he rarely reads, but that "he would check his desk first thing Monday."

Lawmakers were putting together what they called an "emergency emergency" $350 billion "replacement" bill, which they promised would include even more oversight.

"This time we're using electronic monitoring," promised Rep. Barney Frank.

In other news, an unidentified bidder purchased the countries of Mauritius, Belize, and Tahiti as what he called "second homes."

Sarah Palin, plagued by polls indicating her dropping popularity and interviews with Katie Couric where she was so beleagured that she made Dan Quayle look brilliant by comparison, did an impression of comedian Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin at last night's Vice Presidential debate so that she could be "even more folksier and plain spoken."

Palin explained her affinity for Fey, who now regularly returns to Saturday Night Live to play Palin. "You know what I like about Tina?" Palin said, smiling and winking at reporters. "She's a mav-rick, you betcha."

Palin then extended her middle fingers and thumbs, pretending her hands were guns, and said "pyeuw!, pyeuw!" while making shooting gestures at the corners of the room. Tina Fey had done the same thing last Saturday on NBC, but used her forefingers. "I think middle fingers are more direct," explained Palin. "It's more the John McCain way."

Viewers were impressed with Palin's performance at the debate, some remarking how awestruck they were at the vitality of Palin's impersonation. "She really captured Tina Fey," said one viewer, an undecided voter from Allegheny, Pa. "I'm thinking of voting for her."

During last night's debate, Palin answered questions on topics ranging from the bailout of the domestic economy and U.S. military intervention overseas by repeatedly saying "Energy!" and "Mav-rick, dontcha know!" and winking at the camera.

Some viewers were not impressed by Palin's performance, however. "She didn't seem to really be answering the questions," said Floyd McGilla of Spitzen, Montana. "I think she need some of Tina fey's writers."

The White House, House Democrats, and recalcitrant Republicans searched vainly this weekend for a meme to replace voodoo economics, the Ronald Reagan policy which has ravaged the American economy, bringing on the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression. Democrats and the Treasury Department, along with reluctant rank-and-file Republicans, settled on a plan hastily sketched out on a cocktail party napkin (pdf) at 3:00 a.m. Saturday night as an adequate substitute.

"We did it with virtually no thought," said Secretary Paulson and Barney Frank, who said that reaching an agreement was more important than vetting the plan upon which everyone was agreeing. "We have to restore confidence in the markets," they said.

John McCain parachuted into the talks on Thursday, where he sat, unable to free himself from his canopy, as GOP Republicans floated a new plan.

"Initially, we were intent on switching from voodoo to witch doctor economics," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, explaining the thinking of some Republicans. "But some thought that too similar an economic philosophy."

Another Republican explained GOP reticence to sign onto a bailout plan. "We're really uncomfortable with giving away taxpayer money unless it's to prescription drug companies or the oil industry," said Rep. Wayne Tasso.

"The fact is, this shows that 'voodoo economics' is a disaster, just like I said," said George H.W. Bush, who coined the phrase to describe Reagonomics, economics based on Reagan's belief that giving everything to the rich would fill the coffers of the poor. "I knew Reagonomics was bad in 1978, but it took my son to prove how much it really sucks."

President Bush compounded widespread concern about a domestic economy on the verge of collapse today when he announced that FEMA would coordinate the 700 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street.

"We have our best people on it," Bush insisted, causing the market to slide two thousand points late this morning. Bush and his staff expressed surprise that Adminstration assurances have done little to buoy confidence in the economy. "None of the folks in charge of the bailout ever worked with horses or anything," said a perplexed White House staffer.

Circumstances on Wall Street remained dire today. Thousands of traders and bankers have been without money, gold ingots, or economic power for almost a week now, and conditions in hastily constructed "trailer banks" have been horrible. "There are hardly any bathroom attendants here at all," complained one temporary resident, Preston Brunswick III, a complex derivatives trader who "barely cleared a million" last year.

Compounding the crisis, trucks full of relief money have been mysteriously stalled in Alabama, and FEMA officials were at a loss to explain why it was so hard to get the "Benjamins" to New York, where they are so desperately needed.

"We need that money now! We're barely able to expense out our lunches," exclaimed worried A.I.G. executive Gwen Driscoll. Driscoll fretted that her corporate American Express Platinum card was "being strained to the breaking point."

Meanwhile, Republicans warned that the allegedly Democratic-controlled Congress would take too much time debating a relief bill. "We need a lack of oversight, and we need it now," said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. "Before anyone has a chance to think about it."

John McCain's campaign vigorously denied accusations that it had not thoroughly vetted McCain's vice presidential pick, Governor Sarah Palin, saying she had been vetted and "raked over the coals" by a trusted campaign advisor. That advisor was Lynn Spears -- Jamie and Britney Spears' mother. "Spears gave Palin two pacifiers up," a spokesman for the McCain campaign said today.

Spears was selected to vet Palin because she is an authority on mothering, and the author of numerous books on the subject, including "Through The Storm -- How To Raise Good Christian Girls." She is also an authority on raising good Christian grandchildren "as quickly as possible," says Dr. Ian Fesslhoff, an expert on parenting experts.

Spears confirmed that she okayed Palin for the Veep spot on the McCain ticket. "I especially approved of Palin's strong religious and moral stances on abortion and abstinence-only policies toward sex education," she said. As a mom, she also felt the timing of Palin's placement on the ticket was key: "There's no better time to run for office than when you have a five-month-old with special needs and a teenage daughter with baby number two on the way."

In a campaign appearance late today, Senator McCain declined to comment on the recent revelation that Palin's 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, is five months' pregnant, or the rumor that Gov. Palin's infant son is really also Bristol's child, except to say that he "looks forward to presiding over a nation of young people."

"Young people caring for much younger people," noted Dr. Fesslhoff.

A satiric drawing meant to make fun of all the things that scare poorly informed, rabidly ignorant Americans about Barack Obama has terrified Barack Obama's campaign team, who are concerned that it will scare poorly informed, rabidly ignorant Americans about Barack Obama.

"This drawing, " said a campaign staffer, "will scare people who are already good and god damned scared of Obama." She said that she and the Obama campaign were "frightened to death" of the "awful, frightful picture."

The drawing appeared on the cover of the latest New Yorker magazine. The drawing depicts Obama wearing a Moslem outfit in front of a picture of Osama bin Laden hanging in Obama's living room, bumping fists with his terrorist wife, who is wearing a bandolier and bearing an assault rifle, as they burn the American flag in the fireplace. "This is so funny. This is a funny, funny, funny picture," said New Yorker editor David Remnick. He pointed to the burning American flag and said, "Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha."

The image also scared the bejesus out of ignorant, uninformed Americans everywhere. Dale Flyspeck of Molasses, Missouri said that he was glad the New Yorker had produced evidence that backed up rumors he has been spreading for months about Barack Obama. "I can't believe they got that photo of Obama yackin' it up in his secret terrorist enclave," he said. "I hope the guy who took the photo got out alive."

Professor Darren Costigyan, an expert on fear, contacted Opinions You Should Have and objected to the term "ignorant Americans."

"They're not ignorant Americans," said Costigyan, "They're your run-of-the-mill, everyday consumers of the Associated Press and American cable TV news."

DANCE-OFF. Only music permitted will be Celine Dion, Fleetwood Mac, and Abba.

BOWLING TOURNAMENT. Hillary will best Mr. Obama's recent and pathetic score of 36 while blindfolded with an American flag, drinking shots of bourbon that have been aged in casks of Mississippi oak, brewed in big Southern States, with one hand fastened behind her back with stout New England twine.

SINGLE HAND COMBAT TO THE DEATH. Using weapon of candidate's choosing: either handgun every citizen has a right to own, semiautomatic rifle or assault gun every citizen has a right to own; or by relentlessly mocking opponent's religious pastor.

WAFFLE EATING CONTEST. In effort to appeal to ethnic voting blocs, menu will also include huevos rancheros, cuban sandwiches, and lutefisk. First candidate to sip a latte loses.

INVOKE SECRET SUPERDELEGATE SUPPORT. Realizing that she, too, is a superdelegate, Sen. Clinton will suddenly throw her support behind herself, building what only her Campaign Manager, Terry McCauliffe, will call a "bold, new momentum."

INVITE OBAMA TO MEETING IN EXTREMELY SMOKY BACK ROOM and seal it up.

LENGTHEN PRIMARY SEASON BY CARVING TWENTY MORE STATES OUT OF MICHIGAN AND FLORIDA: Has benefit of solving dicey delegate seating problem.

EXPOSE OBAMAN SUPERDELEGATES TO KRYPTONITE. Smuggle incapacitating rock from an alien planet (borrowed from the Smithsonian) into Superdelegates' Secret "Lair of Hope" located at Mount Rushmore (in the upper right quadrant of Lincoln's left nostril) during next meeting of infamous "Legion of Change." "Have . . . lost . . ability . . . to choose," noted superdelegate (because he was formerly head of the DNC office supply room) Gerald Fitzner will croak, just before passing out.

Congressman Vito Fossella, who was recently arrested for driving while intoxicated, announced today that he will resign from Congress "in order to spend more time with one of his families." Fossella made it clear that he had not yet decided which family he was planning on spending more time with, but told reporters that he would have time to reflect upon the question during an upcoming prison stint.

"Perhaps the easiest way to decide is to figure out which family I'd like to spend less time with," he quipped.

Fossella is married with three children. When he was recently bailed out of jail by a woman who was not his wife, but the mother of his secret love child, it became public that Fossella also has a second, secret family residing in the Washington, D.C. area.

"It's kind of like a franchise," Fossella attempted to explain before being hustled into a waiting car by anxious Capitol Hill aides.

There is no truth to rumors that Fossella hopes to start families in Palm Beach, Chicago, Beverly Hills, London, Paris, and Milan, aides said.

A recent survey showed that bitter people in towns all over America have been becoming increasingly bitter, in no small part because of people calling them bitter.

Gordon Stillwater, a native of Elk's Mount, Pennsylvania, denied that he was bitter. "I may be a little peeved," he said, holstering his gun on the way to church, "I mean, I lost my two jobs, I lost my house, and now some goddamn strangers are calling me bitter."

He killed two crows on the way to the Sunday service.

"Who am I voting for?" he later told reporters. "Do I have time to worry about an election? Do I care whether Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are at each other's throats? Get out. You're scaring away the deer." He mumbled something about having more time for hunting now that he was completely unemployed.

For his part, John McCain was upbeat about all the bitterness and infighting. "I don't know about bitterness," he said, "but things are certainly looking up for me."

Steve Benen, the liberal blogger who runs The Carpetbagger Report, has recently been discovered to be the sole author of almost every liberal blog dealing with U.S. politics on the internet, blog readers recently discovered.

At first Benen was writing The Carpetbagger Report and allegedly guest blogging on sites such as TalkingPointsMemo, the Washington Monthly's blog, Political Animal, and Crooks and Liars. However, a visitor to TalkingPointsMemo, who saw a video of the alleged author and blog founder "Josh Marshall," immediately recognized him to be actor Marshall Mappschteen, with whom he had performed "Guys and Dolls" in college. A phone call to Mappschteen resulted in revelations that eventually uncovered Benen as the author of more than 260 liberal blogs. Subsequent investigation revealed that popular "bloggers" Atrios and Political Animal's Kevin Drum are actually fellow league bowlers whom Benen recruited to be fictitious front men.

The revelations caused Salon to put an end to their Blog Report, a supposed roundup of items of interest on liberal and conservative political blogs compiled by Benen. "All the liberal blogs were him," said "Skippy," one of the few liberal bloggers who appears to really exist. "He was just linking to himself all over the place. It was unsanitary."

Benen admitted that he had orchestrated and created the liberal blogosphere in order to create the impression that more people have liberal values than actually do. "I wanted the liberal presence on the web -- and in the U.S. -- to appear to be very, very big, much larger than it actually is," admitted Benen, who welcomed the end of his deception as a chance to rest his hands. "I've been suffering from carpal tunnel something awful," he said.

Benen is now thought to be the entire 65% of Americans who oppose further involvement in the Iraq war.

Polls conducted in the wake of Mark Penn's dismissal from his role as Chief Strategist in the Hillary Clinton campaign show that the public strongly opposes the move, according to a poll conducted by Mark Penn, who retains his job as head pollster for the Clinton campaign.

"98% said that Mark Penn is a good person," said Penn, "98 per cent of people said that they believe he is the right person for the job." Penn said that the 2 per cent who did not like him was his cousin Barney, with whom he has had "some issues."

Penn later denied that he had "cherry picked" the data.

Of great importance to Clinton, Penn said that polling showed that Pennsylvanians especially wanted him to be reinstated, and that it had nothing to do with his name. While most other polls show Clinton with at least a double digit lead in Pennsylvania, Penn said his post-dismissal polling shows Clinton now trailing Obama by 35 points. "Her only chance is to let me take over again," said Penn, adding, "Numbers don't lie."

Opinions You Should Have reporters gained access to a copy of the poll. One of the questions on the poll was, "Should Hillary Clinton have kept the brilliant and gifted political strategist Mark Penn on her staff as Chief Strategist, or would you prefer that the world go up in a big puff of smoke?" 98 per cent of respondents chose the former.

Prospects for a poor economy, a neverending war, melting ice caps, increasingly dangerous weather systems, the plummeting dollar, and the horrific job market have taken a toll on the public's view of the economy, the war, ice caps, weather, the dollar, and the job market, a New York Times/CBS poll found today.

Describing the poll's methodology, pollster Felicity Proctor explained that it was based on a survey of 3,042 increasingly depressed individuals throughout the United States.

The poll also found that the use of torture by the American government, and its disregard for many basic civil rights laws, including those protecting individuals from being wiretapped and spied upon, made Americans fear being tortured, having their civil rights violated, and being wiretapped and spied upon.

"People in an increasingly negative environment often experience their environment as increasingly negative," said Dr. Enola Imnot Gay, a Boston researcher whose specialty is diseases of the obvious.

But Dr. Gay cautioned reporters not to read too much into the poll results. "American Idol and the fleeting availability of even the most miniscule line of credit can completely erase Americans' awareness of outside phenomena," she said.

Cross-posted at The American Street.

New York Governor Elliot Spitzer attacked Republicans today for creating an economic climate so hostile to middle and low income workers that they can barely afford the cost of a decent blowjob. "The cost of prostitutes is skyrocketing while the salary of the average American worker is declining," Spitzer complained.

"Everyone should be able to get a reasonably priced reacharound," said Spitzer, "but George W. Bush and his cronies want only the Washington fatcats to be able to afford quality hummers."

Spitzer said he was astonished that he recently had to pay close to $5000 for what he called "basic services."

"Now we see that the effects of the subprime mortgage collapse are truly widespread," Spitzer said, his anguished wife mysteriously standing beside him. Spitzer noted that under Democratic rule, escort services have always been far more affordable.

Republicans defended themselves, noting that the rising cost of intercourse reflected a burgeoning economy, and noted that any money injected into "hooking establishments" would just trickle down to lower earning members of our Capitalist society.

Spitzer responded that being trickled on was also prohibitively expensive, especially at the parlors he frequented.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton today separately vowed that, regardless of the results of today's now important Texas and Ohio primaries, they will not rest until one of them has been crowned the official Presidential nominee of the Democratic Party, "hopefully by the spring of 2009."

"It is for the good of the party and the good of the nation that we select the right nominee," said Clinton, "even if it takes until next Easter."

Barack Obama noted that the contest is "already over," even before today's votes are counted, because, as analysts have already shown, Clinton can never make up the delegate deficit, no matter how well she does. Nevertheless, Obama said that he would consider conceding the nomination to Clinton depending on the results of next year's Superbowl. "If the Patriots lose again, I'm out," he said.

Democrats are concerned that a prolonged battle for the nomination would endanger the party's ability to win the general election. "Particularly if the fight goes past November 4," said left-wing pundit Freddy Dreckler.

Civics Professor Norman Golan commented on the impasse. "Some say that only the Democrats could screw up the opportunity they have to take the Presidency this coming November," he said. "But not many people realize that it only takes two of them to do it."

President Bush called John McCain a "true conservative" this past Sunday, and told reporters that McCain would certainly do a fine job of continuing the Bush Administration's policies.

McCain's supporters were very upset and said there was no reason for the President to "attack our candidate." "I don't know what John McCain has done to President Bush to deserve this," said Gladys Denovio, a self-described moderate Republican who heads the Midwest chapter of Boosters for John McCain.

"It was an uncalled for, vicious thing to say," said lawyer John Bristol of Ohio. President Bush had no reason to be so harsh, he added. "What's next?" Bristol asked. "Is he going to call McCain a butthead?"

True conservatives also criticized President Bush's statement, saying that when President Bush showed that he knew what true conservatism was, they expected to be able to watch pigs fly over ice hockey rinks in hell. "Until then he should keep his mouth shut," they suggested.

"George Bush is the first so-called conservative to cut taxes while vigorously increasing the size of the Federal government," said political expert Professor Madeleine Fullbuck. "Maybe we should call him a right-wing religious economic conservatiberal."

Mitt Romney explained today that he was dropping out of the U.S. Presidential race in order to spend more time with his money. Romney said that the time on the campaign trail had really harmed his ability to spend "quality time with my bills."

Romney explained that some of his money had been extremely neglected, and shook his head, noting that even several of his fifties had become severely creased.

He reassured stunned supporters, saying that he would still have plenty of time to flip flop his positions on every conceivable issue and praise African Americans for their "bling-bling".

On the plus side, Romney said he was looking forward to spending more time not drinking coffee and less time assuring Americans that his personal religious beliefs don't matter. "Now I can just be a regular joe, just like everyone else who can finance their own multimillion dollar campaign for the country's highest office."

Romney did not say what he was going to turn his attentions to now, but hinted that he might go back to the world of business. The former management consulant, who took the ailing Duane Reade pharmacy business and reinvigorated it until there was a Duane Reade on virtually every corner of the nation, said he was thinking that there was "still a lot he could do" with mailboxes, ATMs, and premium coffee shops.

Polls out of New Hampshire showed that voters who favored a quick exit from Iraq overwhelmingly voted for Hillary Clinton and John McCain, the two candidates who most favor staying there for long periods of time, up to "one hundred or a thousand years," according to McCain. Those same polls showed that voters who most wanted a male President voted for Hillary Clinton, while those who desire a woman President voted for Rudy Giuliani.

"That's not as irrational as it first sounds," said Professor Josh Kornbluth of the Center For Diseased Pollsters. "Many people see Hillary as very macho, and see Rudy Giuliani as lisping and effeminate." He pointed out that, of the male candidates, Giuliani is the one who has most often worn a dress.

Backing up the New Hampshire polls, polls of likely voters in South Carolina showed that those who want an intelligent President overwhelmingly favor Huckabee, while voters who want their President to only have one wife are certain to vote for Romney.

The South Carolina poll also found that voters who want to see a black man in the White House will vote for Fred Thompson; voters who want change are likely to vote for George W. Bush. "If Bush isn't on the ticket, I'll vote for McCain," said Ira P. Winnowalker, a South Carolinian funeral parlor director who really wants "a huge break from the policies of the current administration."

"It may be that voters are not very logical," said Professor Kornbluth. "Perhaps voters are as some say, uninformed, fickle, or dumb."

Professor Kornbluth paused momentarily and stroked his chin before adding, "Or maybe we should stop reading these stupid polls."

Cross-posted at The American Street.

Dane Goodman, official overseer of the Iowa caucuses, admitted today that no one really understands how the Iowa caucuses are supposed to be conducted, and that every four years, he and two other state officials just "make up some results."

Goodman explained the procedure that the caucuses were supposed to employ. "People gather at chosen locations, group themselves by candidate, and somehow they exclude some of the candidates or something, and then they call us and try to tell us what happened. But in the end we just pick some numbers out of a hat," he said.

Goodman admitted that he and his fellow officials usually don't even wait for the caucuses to report back to them, but instead just read the latest poll, change the numbers a little and fill out some forms indicating the alleged results.

He defended his committee's procedures. "Let's face it, this is just as democratic a process as the caucuses ever were."

Goodman revealed that, in 2004, the committee was pretty sure that Howard Dean had actually won the caucuses by a hefty margin, but found that "so hard to believe" that it picked John Kerry instead.

In the future, Goodman promised that primary overseers would scrupulously follow the correct caucusing procedures.

"As soon as someone figures out just what they are," he said.

Cross-posted at The American Street.

Today in Iowa, Mike Huckabee told reporters "enough is enough" and denounced negative campaigning. Huckabee, who recently fashioned a strident negative campaign ad about rival Mitt Romney, said it was "about time I stopped this viscous campaign of negative attack ads that I have been running," and derided himself as a "detestable fearmonger." He also labelled himself a "pandering schizophrenic."

"Mike Huckabee is about standing on Mike Huckabee's qualifications for President and Mike Huckabee's record, and he is not about pointing out his opponents' disgusting failures and ineptitudes -- of which there are many -- in order to gain the nation's highest office," Huckabee explained. Gesturing to a negative ad he was running locally, he added, "I reject this Mike Huckabee and his evil, negative campaigning ways."

A spokesman for Huckabee said that Huckabee would continue to run attack ads against his opponents, but noted that they would now conclude with the admonition, "My name is Mike Huckabee, and I strongly disapprove of this ad."

The White House confirmed this morning that the cause of a fire that threatened to consume the Vice President's ceremonial chambers was a bonfire made up of documents that Congress has subpoenaed over the past year.

"We do this every holiday season," said Jared Simms, a spokesperson for the Vice President. "As the Vice President often says, 'There's nothing on a cold winter day like curling up with a good book beside a heap of slowly roasting memos.'"

Some have decried what they called "the wanton destruction of requested documents," but Simms denied any wrongdoing. "It's just festive, that's all," he said.

"If it makes you feel better, there were no CIA interrogation tapes in that fire to speak of," Simms added.

Karl Rove today said that George Bush's presidency would have been a great success if Democrats had not forced Bush to make countless numbers of flawed decisions that have led the country down the path toward national disaster.

"We wouldn't have invaded Iraq, we would have saved New Orleans, we would have staffed FEMA," said Rove. "It's all the Democrats' fault."

Rove went on to say that if voters wanted a change from the disastrous Bush years, they'd have to vote Republican. "It's sad how these Democrats mishandled the Bush Presidency."

Rove also blamed Bill Clinton for having "come before" Bush. "It's just awful the way Clinton directly preceded him," said Rove.

Rove went on to blame the flawed policies of the "Democrats' Bush Treasury Department" for the decline of the dollar and the Democrats' "ridiculous love of the subprime mortgage" for the downturn in the economy. "I'm genuinely shocked at how the Dems let this housing bubble expand," he added. "It's too bad the Republican White House and the Republican-contreolled congress couldn't stop the powerful Democratic juggernaut."

He also blamed Democrats for failing to prevent 9/11. Condi RIce agreed, saying, "Only the Democrats foresaw that planes might be used as weapons. If only they had told us."

The Washington Post and other great American periodicals subsequently reported Rove's remarks, saying that there was a "difference of opinion" about who was in control of the White House, the Congress and the country the past seven years. Republicans claim that it was the Democrats, while Democrats -- perhaps spuriously -- claim that the President and a majority in Congress were Republican during most of that period.

by Guest Blogger Chris Edelson

In a Rose Garden ceremony this morning, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) and Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) formally handed over their balls to President George W. Bush.

"Recent actions make clear that we don't need these anymore," said Schumer as he handed over a small plastic bag containing his genitalia.

Sen. Feinstein echoed Schumer's words, bowing deferentially to the President and adding, "As a woman coming of age in the 1950s and 60s, it took me years of hard work to get and maintain these balls. But I'm more than willing to part with them now."

Schumer and Feinstein decided to formalize their relationship with the White House after breaking with members of their own party in a vote to confirm Judge Michael B. Mukasey for the post of Attorney General, despite his sanction of torture and his apparent contempt for the rule of law.

In a show of support, Republican Arlen Spector handed over his own testes in a tribute to what he acknoweldged was his "talk-tough, do-nothing" policy. "I wholeheartedly endorse the actions of these Democrats in rolling over like a cheap date after a bottle of Ripple," he remarked.

Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) also attended today's ceremony, although he had already turned in his balls in late 2001.

Leading experts were not surprised by the ceremony. "After the Democrats took control of Congress last fall, most people assumed they would move swiftly to confront a deeply unpopular President, engaged in a deeply unpopular war, and embroiled in a deeply unpopular assault on our most profoundly held Constitutional values," said Prof. P.E. Gordon of the Kennedy School of Government. "But that hasn't been the case."

Prof. Gordon explained the Democrats' logic. "They don't want to change the status quo because they want to get elected in 2008 so they can change the status quo."

He smiled. "That's what they said in 2006, too."

Today Condoleezza Rice discouraged Turkey from sending troops into Iraq and told Turks to "find their own country to occupy."

"We were here first," said Rice, explaining that Turkey would have to deal with incursions by Kurdish terrorists in some other way, saying that "Iraq is already taken."

Turkish authorities balked, noting that that their terrorists were coming in from Northern Iraq.

In response, Rice reportedly told the Turks that "there are plenty of great opportunities for a nice, clean invasion elsewhere." She suggested, among other countries, Iran, North Korea, Syria, Gambia, Lichtenstein, Malta and Prague. "Some of these countries have the benefit of being very small and Prague simply has great coffee and pastries," she explained.

"This is outrageous," Turkish Minister Burak Mevlana said. "The U.S. acts like it owns Iraq."

An anonymous official from the State Department said that that was exactly right. "We broke it, we bought it, and we're still making the payments," he noted.

Presence Of More Private Mercenaries Needed To Stop Anti-Mercenary Inspired Violence, He Says

President Bush today, responding to Iraqi demands that private security force Blackwater USA be withdrawn from Iraq, immediately proposed a "surge" in Blackwater personnel to deal with the problem.

"Although keeping Blackwater in Iraq may lead to an increase in violence," said Bush, "we have to keep Blackwater there in order to contain the violence."

Iraqis were irate about a recent incident in which Blackwater mercenaries allegedly gunned down Iraqi civilians without provocation. "We're investigating that," Bush told reporters, adding that Blackwater may have been justified in "preemptively attacking" the civilians.

A New York Times article published today revealed that Blackwater employees have an "aggressive, quick draw image" and have been involved in many more shootings than any other mercenary force the U.S. has brought into Iraq.

President Bush today acknowledged that Blackwater USA did indeed fire their weapons far more often than others, but observed, "That just means they're happy."

Bush said that there were plans to withdraw private security forces, such as Blackwater, from Iraq as soon as Iraq was able to train and maintain private mercenaries of their own.

Foreign analyst Miles Becker agreed with Bush that the presence of Blackwater was helping to create private Iraqi military forces. "They're called insurgents," said Becker.

President Rudy Giuliani astonished Americans during his first ten days in offi--

Editor's note: Excuse me, readers, this is my wife calling. I have to take this. -- Hello? Yes, I'm writing the blog. I will put in your joke. I love you, too.--

President Rudy Giuliani astonished Americans during his first ten days in office when he declared a fiscal emergency, revealing that the United States was bankrupt and--

Sorry. -- Hello? What? They're in the dish in the foyer. Yes, I'm sure. Ok? Bye. --

President Rudy Giuliani astonished Americans during his first ten days in office when he declared a fiscal emergency, revealing that the United States was bankrupt. In an emergency order designed to "keep government running" for at least "a few more days", Giuliani cut taxes completely in order to dramatically raise revenue--

--What?! Oh. Yes. I love you too.--

In an emergency order designed to "keep government running" for at least "a few more days", Giuliani cut taxes completely in order to dramatically raise revenue.

"Eliminating taxes is the only measure that will provide the government with enough of an increase in income to keep afloat," Giuliani said in a nationwide address before taking a call from his tailor, who had some questions about an inseam.

The past month or so in brief:

Families Return Rove, Gonzales To White House

After U.S.-Sponsored Tour, Couric Says Hindenberg "Totally Safe", Pronounces Titanic "Unsinkable"

RNC To Remove Men's Stalls From Republican Convention Center

Australians Send Bush Back To Iraq

Sen. Craig Reconsidering Decision To Tap Foot, Wave Hands

GOP Admits Entire Party Made Up Of Aggressive Gay Predators Intent On Seducing Children On Internet and Having Sex With Male Prostitutes In Toilets

Surprise Visit By Bush Scares "Bejesus" Out Of U.S. Soldiers, Gives Them "The Dickens"

Sen Craig To Spend More Time With Family In Men's Stalls

Gonzales To Spend More Time With Karl Rove's Family

Bush Offers Vick Job At Guantanamo Prison

Craig Accidentally Places Penis In Ass of Man Standing Next To Him

Rove's Departure To Cause Drooling, Loss of Motor Function, Say Docs

Faced with the imminent departure of White House Political Director Karl Rove, otherwise known as "Bush's Brain," White House officials acknowledged that the President will be effectively lobotomized.

Aides said that even the President's basic motor functions would suffer upon Rove's departure. "It will be difficult for the President to lift a finger without having Karl there to tell him how to do it," said Monica Kressky, a White House aide.

Should the White House fail to find a replacement for Mr. Rove, doctors said, it may become necesary to put the President on life support, as even his ability to control autonomic and entirely unconscious activities such as breathing or denying that the Iraq war is a total disaster may become impaired.

Indeed, the possibility that Bush might have to make decisions without a political motive has many White House members panicked. "We're terrified," said one aide, "The President might have to base policy decisions on what the greater good would be for the American people."

Republican Senate Minority Leader John Boehner agreed. "Proposing real solutions to real problems?" He shuddered. "This could mean the end of the GOP as we know it today."

Keep Innocence A Secret, Says Bush

Last week, President Bush instructed his former counsel, Harriet Miers, not to comply with a House subpoena in order to conceal his role in not having anything to do with the U.S. Attorney firings. Miers, in turn, failed to testify about their complete non-communication.

Miers said that that she would be perfectly willing to tell Congress that Bush had nothing to do with the firings as long as she was not under oath, and her statements were not recorded. Asked if she spoke with the President about speaking about the firings, Miers offered to answer reporters as long as they did take notes on her statements, and if she mimed her answer behind a large black screen.

President Bush defended his decision to invoke executive privilege today. "It's very important not to brag about how aboveboard and legal this whole process was," says Bush.

Congressmen were of two minds about Miers's absence at a hearing last week. "It is outrageous that a citizen would refuse to obey the order of the American people to show up and account for herself," said Congressman Bink Stoddart.

But Congressman John Conyers was not altogether displeased with Miers' empty chair. "She sounds more credible than when she actually shows up."

Addendum: WHite House counsel Fred Fielding defended the President's assertion of executive privilege, saying, "If the President's aides were to testify about their advice to the President about the commission of crimes, the President's ability to commit crimes would be greatly chilled."

In light of his commutation of what he called the "excessive sentence" of I. Lewis Libby today, President Bush has agreed to review all sentences in the United States because "that would only be fair."

"Judges and panels of judges routinely review excessive sentence claims throughout the land," said Bush, " but the Libby case has made me see that our exhaustive system of appellate review is flawed."

The judge in the Libby case followed strict federal guidelines written by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission, which labored for years to write an exacting code that was designed to ensure that all felons were treated equally. "What the guidelines do not take into account," said Bush, "is that some felons are more equal than others."

"These so-called 'guidelines' do not give adequate guidance to judges in certain cases," Bush said. His voice quavered as he added, "Some people -- for instance, rich and the powerful Republicans who, through no mistake of their own, are accidentally caught breaking the law -- sometimes do not receive proper treatment." Bush was then too overcome by emotion to continue with his statement. He retired to his residence on Kennebunkport to swill beer with President Putin, who agreed with the President's actions.

"In my country when pipples lied to the State, we tortured them," the former head of the KGB said, "except when they were fellow KGB. Then we clapped them on the back and danced with vodka bottles on our heads."

Other felons praised the President's decision. George Finnerty, a real estate maven doing six years for lying the I.R.S. about his income, said that Bush had "given all liars real hope."

Douglas W. Cox, who got ten months for testifying falsely about the ownership of five vending machines [pdf], prayed for Bush's forgiveness but was pessimistic. "I didn't come close to obstructing a Federal investigation of crime at the very highest levels of government," said Cox, shaking his head. "I don't think I qualify for the Libby treatment."

For her part, Lady Justice was happy to hear about President Bush's actions. "I'm so glad I'm not completely blind," she said.

For the last four years, [Vice President Cheney] has been defying a presidential order requiring executive branch agencies to account for the classified information they handle. When the agency that enforces this rule tried to do its job, Mr. Cheney proposed abolishing the agency.

Mr. Cheney, who has been at the heart of the administration's darkest episodes, has bizarre reasons for doing that. The Times reported that the vice president does not consider himself a mere member of the executive branch.

Mr. Cheney disclosed that his office encompasses Executive, Congressional, and Judicial functions. In an usual display of cnador, aides to Cheney announced that, just as he spends time in the White House and the Capitol Building, he also spends a significant amount of time working at the Supreme Court. "This is one of the heretofore 'undisclosed locations,'" an aide divulged. The aide, who did not reveal his name because he feared future indictment by prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, said that Cheney was secretly known as "the Tenth Justice".

Critics said that Mr. Cheney was out of line. "He can't just create his own branch of government," said Constiutional Scholar Professor Jenna Blinkerton. "That, in itself, is against the law."

Cheney responded that his critics were "giving aid and comfort to the enemy" after which the FBI took Professor Blinkerton into custody and placed her in a naval brig in North Carolina.

Mr. Cheney also contended that if he were breaking a law, he could only be prosecuted by the Other Undisclosed Branch of Government, which is made up of his wife, Lynn Cheney, his daughters, one of his dogs, and Alberto Gonzales.

Karl Rove was absolutely stunned to discover that his deletion of emails resulted in their deletion, a lawyer for Rove said today. "Mr. Rove thought that his emails would still be there after he deleted them," the lawyer explained.

Mr. Rove spent many painful hours regretting the tragedy. "If he had hair, he would have pulled it out," said Robert Luskin, Rove's attorney. "He was fit to be tied."

"Those emails are now missing?!?" Rove reportedly said in astonishment yesterday. "But they were supposed to be preserved because of Federal law and a pending criminal investigation!!!!" Rove then demanded to know who the h___ deleted them and was "absolutely crestfallen" to learn that he had done so.

"I was just trying to tidy up my electronic desktop," he sobbed. Some who witnessed Rove's tantrum said that he then held his face in hands as he murmured, "The horror, the horror." Others said that Rove was saying, "Sanjaya, Sanjaya," apparently referring to a performer on American Idol, but that could not be confirmed.

Rove railed against the incompetence of administrators who failed to insure that a proper backup system had been kept, and apparently had to be restrained by trained paramedics when he subsequently discovered that over five million White House emails had also probably been destroyed. Onlookers initially thought that Rove may have been upset that more emails had not been "purposely mislaid," but Rove later made it clear that he was shell-shocked and saddened by the mistake.

"How could this Administration be so incompetent that it can't keep a copy of a single email?" he said. "We can't afford to make these kinds of mistakes. I mean, what if we had to go to war?"

Historically no member of government has been so distraught since a Nixon aide accidentally threw a briefcase containing important White House records relating to the Watergate scandal into a river.

Monica Goodling, an aide to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, is refusing to testify before Congress this week. She is invoking the Fifth Amendment on the grounds that the Senate Judiciary Committee "might ask her questions in a public forum under oath on a Thursday."

She also took the Sixth and Seventh Amendments in an abundance of caution.

Reluctant witnesses all over the country -- that is, members of the Bush Administration -- were inspired by Goodling's stance.

Sources now say Gonzales is thinking of taking the Third Amendment this coming Thursday, and Karl Rove has now agreed not to testify on the grounds that it may infuriate him.

Vice President Cheney is looking to invoke some part of the Constitution, but has been unable to find so far any part of the Constitution that means anything to him.

In fact, Republicans everywhere said that, if forced to testify before Congress, they will invoke the Prime Directive, saying that they are part of an advanced civilization and cannot help America's primitive society.

"I'm going to take the Eighteenth," said one man, immediately taking a long pull on a fifth of Irish whiskey.

Experts agreed with Goodling's invocation of the Fifth Amendment. "It could certainly incriminate her to testify," said legal scholar Chaimlich Manure. "Requiring a Republican to talk under oath is essentially an instant perjury trap."

Note: I have some remarks on Goodling's invocation of the Fifth over at Talking Points Memo (posing as the mysterious "TPM reader TB").

Researchers have discovered an 18-day gap in the 3,000 documents on the U.S. Attorney purge released this week by the Justice Department.

To: Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General
From: Paul McNulty, Deputy Attorney General

Judge,

I'm concerned that the Democrat Congress is going to require us to testify and swear under oath soon. What should we say?

Paul

Paul,

Judge,

Judge,

Paul,

To: Karl Rove

Paul,

Karl,

Paul,

Dick,

Judge,

Dick,

Judge,

Dick,

Judge,

President Bush issued a pardon for prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald today in order to "excuse him" for the "skewed system of justices" that caused the conviction of I. Lewis Libby earlier this week.

The pardon for Fitzgerald came after conservatives convicted Fitzgerald of treason in a secret courtroom located in a small country near the coast of Florida, sources said.

The President also put John Bolton in charge of fixing what he called "broke justice." "This trial of Libby was a travesty," said Bolton.

Mary Matalin, Cheney's longtime counselor agreed. "Everyone knows the only fair trial is one where Republicans decide the outcome behind closed doors," she said.

Bolton gave some indication of the reforms he planned to bring to the American criminal justice system. "First thing we do is kill all the lawyers," he said.

The President's pardon of Fitzgerald came as a complete surprise, especially since conservatives have been calling for a pardon of Libby, not Fitzgerald. The President has suggested that he has no plans to pardon Libby, although he had privately indicated that -- perhaps in honor of Libby -- he plans to have a serious memory lapse shortly after the next Presidential election.

In other news, Guantanamo detainees are petitioning their U.S. captors for "the Libby treatment."

Hat tip to R.S.

by Guest Blogger Victor Barall

Washington, D.C., November, 2016 - The Republican "Dream Team" of Laura Bush and the elder Barbara Bush swapped control of the White House with the Clinton dynasty today, ending eight years of Democratic rule. The Republicans decided that Laura Bush and Barbara Bush would become the Republican "Dream team" to retake American governance from the Clinton clan, and their gamble paid off.

Historians believe that Barbara, 92, and Laura, 65, will be the first mother-in-law, daughter-in-law ruling duo since the late Roman Empire.

The new "points of light," as they called themselves, campaigned successfully despite some rocky patches.

The campaign took a serious downturn when disaffected Bush family handler, James Baker IV -- still fuming over George W's dismissal of the 2006 Iraq Commission Report as "just so many dictionary words" -- leaked that Barbara, almost completely senile, stalked the Kennebunkport family compound muttering, "Read my lips. No nudes, Texas!" However, the campaign bounced back when Laura successfully distanced herself from her disastrously inept husband by telling voters, "I did not have sex with that man!"

A highly placed anonymous source, Calvin Coolidge IV, conceded that Barbara and Laura had not been not the first choice of the party wise men. "We had hoped to run Jenna and the younger Barbara" – the First Daughters of the second George. But, Coolidge said, "their probation officer refused to let them stand for elective office until they had finished their community service."

Gov. Chelsea Clinton is still smarting from losing her bid to keep the White House in Clintonian control, but no one is more distraught than senior Senator Barack Obama, who failed once again to win the Democratic Presidential nomination this election season.

"That's all right," said Obama. "I have two daughters."

Written by Victor Barall in a moment of dynastical apoplexy. Many thanks!

Feels Adding "i" To Beginning Of Every Word Will Make Ideas Look New And Vital

President Bush, wearing a black turtleneck and jeans, announced today what he called "an amazing new invention" that he said would "revolutionize the way we fight the Iraq war" and "make previous Iraq war policies look dumb." He called it "the i-Iraq", and said that he got the idea while surfing "the Google."

In a two-hour long slideshow, Bush outlined the features of the "iStrategy" which he frequently praised as "absolutely innovatical," and "amazing." The new strategy device would come with a patented "LMS" key, for a "last-minute surge" to overwhelm all opposition, as well as a function that will produce troops from virtually nowhere, create something from nothing, and replace any civil war with a fully functioning peaceful representative democracy.

The iStrategy also has long lasting batteries, automatic and periodic face-saving, reality muting, and a small switch on the side that turns off the advice of top-ranking military experts.

The device will operate with "unilateral gesturing," which the President has also patented.

The unveiling of the new device caused an audience of yes-men to applaud spontaneously no less than sixty-two times.

Reporters asked Steve Jobs if Bush was trying to steal his ideas for Apple's new iPhone, but Jobs dismissed the comparison.

"They're totally different," Jobs said. "Our phone works."

A funeral home mistakenly switched the caskets of James Brown and Gerald Ford, so that the former world leader was presented at the Apollo Theater while James Brown lay in state at the Capitol.

Confused fans of the godfather of soul gazed at the body of Gerald Ford and a musical celebration at the Apollo suffered a drastic change of program. "Sex Machine" and "I Feel Good" were replaced by "Jimmy Crack Corn" and "Camptown Races," two of the deceased President's favorite standbys.

"Gerald Ford forever revolutionized the way music is performed and played here in America," said Rev. Al Sharpton, "and we are the better for it." He also lauded Ford for his fantastic slogan, "Whip Inflation Now," leading the crowd in a chant of "WIN! WIN! WIN!"

Meanwhile, the cream of Washington society gathered at the Capitol and paraded by the Godfather of Soul, desperately trying to stay in rhythm. "This is hard," said Cokie Roberts, snapping her fingers frantically.

President Bush praised James Brown for healing the nation during one of America's greatest crises. "James Brown's middle-of-the-road policies saved this nation," said Bush, calling him "a good, decent, moderate spirit" who "did amazing things dancing with microphone stands."

In what some called a desperate gambit to retain Republican control of the Senate, Majority Leader Bill Frist announced today that he had examined a videotape and pronounced recovering Senator Tim Johnson dead.

"I will remain Majority Leader and the Republicans will continue to hold the Senate," he said in a press conference this morning.

Dr. Frist's diagnosis added another strange chapter onto the surprising developments in the Senate after Senator Johnson suffered an unusual stroke and recieved emergency surgery. Contrary to Sen. Frist's diagnosis, Sen. Johnson is doing well and his family and the rest of the nation wish nothing less than that he make a full and complete recovery.

Sen. Dr. Frist made the diagnosis after viewing videotapes, not of Senator Johnson in his current condition, but of speeches by former House Majority Leader Tom Delay.

A spokeman for Sen. Frist explained that his diagnosis was made in the great Republican tradition of seeing the world as one wants to see it, as opposed to how it actually is. "That's how you effect change in the world, from the force of sheer will," said the spokesman, who then ate a baloney sandwich that he claimed was filet mignon.

Had Frist been correct, the Republican Governor of South Dakota would have been able to appoint a Republican to take Johnson's spot, thus giving the Republicans control of the 50-50 Senate, given Dick Cheney's ability to cast the deciding vote in any tie.

As it is, Democrats were actually relieved by Frist's move. Craig Calendar, a plumber from Montana who gives quotes to newspapers in his spare time, said, "Given the Republicans' track record these past six years, if they say that Johnson is dead, that means that he is, without doubt, very much alive and doing very, very well."

We wish Senator Johnson a speedy recovery and a long and satisfying life.

Digg this story.

Iraq Plan Development Needs Further Development, Some Say

President Bush decided to defer a decision on when he will decide on a new approach to the Iraq war until "some time next year," although he has not decided exactly when his deciding will take place.

"This was a very hard decision for the President to make," said White House spokesman Tony Snow. "I don't know if you appreciate the hard-nosed decisiveness a decision to defer requires."

Experts praised the President's decisiveness. Dr. Nathaniel Winthrop, an expert in foreign affairs who recently met with President Bush, pointed out that "the Iraq Study Group took many months and many people to issue their report, and here, well, the President is only one man and he has a lot more voices to listen to."

White House spokesmen refused to confirm that the President listens to a lot of voices, but a source who asked to remain anonymous stated that he was sure that the President heard a lot of them.

"It takes an iron will to resist the public pressure to make a snap decision about when to formulate a change in policy," said Dick Cheney, who had decided to let the President decide this one on his own.

"And when will you decide to tell us that you've decided?" reporters asked during a recent sighting of the President.

"I'll let you know," said the President with a wink.

In Memoriam

We at Opinions You Should Have are very sad to see Donald Rumsfeld -- the perfect satiric target -- leave the Pentagon for greener pastures.

We have mentioned Secretary Rumsfeld many times on these pixeled pages.

Below, some of our favorites.

A prominent male hooker, Dirk Blackman, was forced to give up his position as the head of a large national prostitution ring when it was revealed that he had repeatedly had sex with sleazy evangelical leader Ted Haggard.

Members of the prostitution ring were shocked by the allegations. "There are some things that you don't even do for money," said one man, who gave his name as Johnny Lovehandles, bemoaning Blackman's "intimate physical contacts" with the virulently anti-gay and shamefully untrustworthy pastor.

The Haggard scandal was the latest in a string of revelations concerning male prostitutes fraternizing with conservative right-wing figures, including the bombshell that male exotic dancer Milli Flotilla had turned his Miami dressing room into a secret shrine filled with revealing photographs of Rush Limbaugh and Sen. Bill Frist photoshopped to depict them in compromising scenarios involving Dennis Hastert and a constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage.

At first Blackman denied that he had sex with that "theological conman," saying that Haggard had been sent to his Denver hotel room and that he had only gotten a quick sermon. Yesterday Blackman admitted that some of the charges were true, but denied that he had ever supported social security privatization.

Today Blackman is entering the William F. Buckley Clinic for the Sexually Obsessed With Hypocritical Conservatives.

Condoleeeza Rice Has No Recollection of Meeting

Highly placed sources say that CIA Director George Tenet called an emergency meeting with Dennis Hastert in 2001 to warn him of concerns he had regarding Congressman Mark Foley's interactions with pages. Tenet allegedly told Hastert of inappropriate emails and internet messaging in an effort to convince Hastert that there was a "possibly serious campaign problem."

Hastert denies such a meeting ever took place. "Nobody ever thought that a Congressman could use a computer to target pages," said Hastert.

Majority Leader John Boehner went further. "I didn't know we had pages," he said.

Some Republicans blamed the parents. "Who would put attractive underage boys and girls within reach of Washington's congressmen?" said Majority Whip Roy Blunt, calling the actions of parents of pages "negligent and irresponsible."

Sources say that Tenet later prepared a Majority Party Briefing (MPB) for Hastert entitled "Foley Determined To Type in U.S.," after which Hastert responded, "All right. You've covered your ass, now."

Americans did not know what to make of the latest news in the Foley scandal. "It's shocking," said Oklahoman Amelia Pissle. "But now that we know about it, I'm sure that it could never happen again."

President Bush and the White House are involved in intense negotiations over the final shape of a bill that Bush will not follow once it becomes law.

"It is very important to the President that he and the Senate agree on the precise contents of the law he will not be obeying," said White House spokesman Tony Snow, explaining the President's particular interest in the negotations.

"There must be a real spirit of give and take, of true compromise, in fashioning what will soon be completely irrelevant to the White House," agreed Senators John McCain, Lindsay Graham, and John Warner, the principal lawmakers demanding completely cosmetic and ultimately meaningless concessions from the faux-conciliatory Executive Branch.

President Bush and the White House had been adamant that the Senate pass a law that allows for an "expanded view" of what kind of interrogations are permissible under the Geneva Conventions, but, in the face of opposition from McCain and others, are now signalling that they may give up some of their specific demands just to get the law through Congress.

After that, the President will issue a "signing statement" reiterating his belief that laws are not binding upon him.

Some Senators insisted that the negotiations were important to maintain America's moral authority and credibility on human rights internationally. "At all costs, we must at least maintain the appearance that we have a real working system of checks and balances," said a senator who wished to remain anonymous because his statements are usually entirely absurd.

Cletis Fishkill, an inmate doing twenty to life in a prison in Fishkill, New York, expressed his admiration for President Bush.

"Damn," he said. "I gotta get me some of them signing statements."

Alternatives to "Alternate Interrogation"

Constructive euphemisms for torture that our President overlooked in his recent speech on the subject:

Ultimate Interrogation^™

Desperately Curious Questioning

Seriously Persistent Inquiry

Absurdly Thorough Answer-Seeking

Interior Cranial Inspection

Physically Deep and Penetrating Philosophical Investigation

Militarily-Aided Meditation on the Nature of the Self.

Update: Possible Compromises on the President's Torture bill:

We'll only torture people some of the time.

Subject gets to listen to song of his choosing every three waterboarding sessions.

Subject gets a coupon with every false confession.

Subject gets to keep his fingernails. In a plastic jar.

NEW ORLEANS, Aug. 29 -- President Bush, addressing the nation on the anniversary of New Orleans' devastation by Hurricane Katrina, promised "a never-ending flow of empty rhetoric to the areas that need it most." He vowed to continue speechifying about New Orleans "even after New Orleans is long gone," and to do whatever was necessary to convince the American people that he was doing whatever was necessary.

"The words I spoke last year in Jackson Square are still as marginally credible today as they were then," he said.

Bush spoke to a crowd of former New Orleans citizens who agreed with Barbara Bush that being displaced from their homes and losing their jobs was "really working out for them."

At the end of his speech, White House staffers removed the enormous electric generators powering the truckloads of media equipment set up to capture the speech, and Bush fled in his helicopter, leaving New Orleans without a public hospital, sanitation, law enforcement, adequate electricity, or any of the basics of any viable city system currently existing in the United States.

Implore Cheney, Rumsfeld, Entire White House Staff to Follow Suit

Anguished Americans implored President Bush to "take much longer vacations" after Bush cut his record-long summer vacations somewhat shorter this year.

"The more brush he clears, the better off we are," said Samuel P. Langerhans, a doctor in Maine. Dr. Langerhans reflects the belief of a growing number of Americans who have become aware that Bush's vacations may have been the only thing standing between America and complete disaster. "As bad as things are, imagine if Bush had been working for more than four of the six years he's been in office," said Langerhans.

Signs that many Americans agree with Langerhans abound: A group of concerned Americans has taken a collection to send Bush on a "very, very, very long cruise." In order to increase the chances that Bush would accept such a gift, the group took pains to diguise their offering as a gift from a prominent but corrupt American CEO.

Felix Unterschlocken, a public administration expert, said that studies showed that, contrary to popular belief, New Orleans would not have been saved had Bush actually been paying attention last summer.

"We would have lost Dallas and Orlando, too," he said.

George W. Bush tells Hezbollah to "stop doing this shit."

Prescott Bush tells Hitler to "cut it out."

Abner Bush tells Khoumeni to "lay off."

Jeroboam Bush tells Alexander the Great to "ease up."

Erraticus Bush tells Caligula to "chill out."

Poppy Bush tells Ida Amin to "chew slowly."

Update: I see the incomparable Kevin Hayden of The American Street has added to the list in the comments. Let's see how far we can go.

Further update: Best Blogging on the Mideast Crisis goes to Billmon of Whiskey Bar (this, for example is just brilliant) and Bill Scher of Liberal Oasis. Absolute must-reads, both of them.

"Some in Washington say we had to choose between cutting taxes and cutting the deficit," President Bush said in a brief appearance at the White House to highlight the new estimates. "Today's numbers show that that was a false choice. The economic growth fueled by tax relief has helped send our tax revenues soaring."

"We've seen that tax revenues increase whenever we cut taxes," said Rep. James Sensenbrenner. "It only recently occurred to us that if we got rid of them altogether, we'd end up with a surplus."

House Republicans championed Sensennbrenner's realization. "He's brilliant," said Dennis Hastert. "He's as good at economics as he is at nuclear physics."

Professor Finn O'Gerlockheit of the Brookings Institution hailed the new House plan, which is expected to be passed this weekend, moved through the Senate, and made law by next Friday. "we need budget relief and we need it now."

Tax relief evangelist Grover Norquist was more sanguine, however. "I now understand that we'll hardly be able to drown government in the bathtub if we cut taxes. After the enormous flood of revenue that comes in, government will, sadly, be bigger than ever."

"It makes perfect sense," said Economics Professor Linda Blenner. "When we cut taxes for the rich, the money trickles down onto everyone else. Well, now the rich will be turning a firehose on America."

Republicans cautioned that when they speak of eliminating taxes entirely, they mean taxes for only those earning $100,000 or more. "We think it's fair that the people deriving the most benefit from the tax cuts -- wage earners -- help start the cascade that moves up the ladder and gradually right back down on them."

GOP Also Outraged

Kenneth Lay argued strenuously with St. Peter upon discovering that he was not permitted to take his vast fortune to the afterlife.

"Then what was the point of doing away with the estate tax?" he argued.

Outraged Republicans leapt to defend Lay and vowed to pass an emergency bill giving Lay "much needed" relief. "Kenneth Lay made a lot of money, he was punished for his crimes, and he paid the ultimate penalty: he died for his sins," said Senator Bill Frist, "Now the afterlife is trying to penalize him again. It amounts to double taxation."

Republican pundit Ann Coulter advocated burning money left behind by deceased moguls a a disincentive to "the otherwordly." "If we can't take it with us, then nobody should be able to have it."

Lay finished his argument with St. Peter by bilking St.Peter out of millions, which constituted the Saint's "whole afterlife savings," sources said.

St. Peter refused to disclose where Lay was to be consigned by the Almighty , but hinted that it might not be as nice as a minimum security Federal Prison Camp.

Trial Next Thursday, Bush Says

In a hastily called press conference early this morning, George W. Bush fixed reporters with a steely eye and told them that the New York Times was no more, calling it "the paper of the broken record."

The White House was quick to note that the New York Times would be convicted of treason in a completely fair trial before a military tribunal next Thursday. The judge will not be permitted to see the evidence because of national security concerns; but President Bush has already personally assured him that the New York Times was "way guilty." The New York Times was not earlier given notice of the trial or execution for fear that that would "give aid and comfort to the terrorists."

The President appeared puzzled by a question from a reporter asking how the White House could convict the paper using a military tribunal similar to that which the Supreme Court ruled illegal yesterday. The President, smirking, scratched his head and said, "That applied to Guantanamo. Last I heard, the New York Times wasn't anywhere near Cuba."

George W. Bush and his staff concluded that the New York Times committed treason last week when it published details of a secret government program to sift banking data, and President Bush ordered that the newspaper "be hung by the neck until dead" in a secret missive signed by the President yesterday afternoon. The newspaper was hung, drawn, and quartered shortly after midnight this morning.

Last night, using a mammoth crane, the White House lifted the famous, massive Times building off its foundation and hung it until the backbone of the building snapped in two. Over a million copies of today's paper, which had been printed but not yet distributed, were pulled apart by teams of horses.

Times readers reacted with outrage over the execution, demanding the immediate return of their subscription fees.

The United States withheld its dues from the World Cup Organization this week after a dispute over the shape of the ball and the rules of the game.

"The WCO has no authority to tell us how to play football," said Government Representative John R. Bolton. "We're not gonna let a bunch of meddling Europeans tell us when we can touch our balls," he added.

Secretary of State Condolleeza Rice agreed and went even farther. "The United States alone will decide where we take our ball and who we play with," she said while visiting the home of an oppressive dictator.

The United States has been furious that its resolution to change the shape of the soccer ball to an ovoid was rejected by the World Cup Security Council without debate. U.S.-WCO relations then completely imploded when the WCO sanctioned the United States for preemptively invading the locker room of Italy before last weekend's match.

Tension is mounting in the U.S. in view of the administration's attempts to influence the upcoming Thursday match with Ghana, who the U.S. has to beat in order to have a chance to advance to the second round of the Cup. In an early misttep, the United States sent Henry Kissinger, who compares soccer to warfare or theater, to negotiate new rules with the Ghanian representatives.

"I don't know why the United States has such a difficult time playing well with others," said Professor Bean Valence, Director of American Studies at the University of Wallamaloo.

John Bolton disagreed. "All we want is a level playing field," he said.

President George Bush surprised himself in Baghdad this week by boldly predicting that he had "turned a corner."

"Today I looked myself in the eye," he said, "and I liked what I saw."

President Bush had originally travelled to Iraq to encourage Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki to establish a true democracy "just like America's," he said. "You know, with illegal wiretapping, policies determined by extreme religious groups, the whole works."

Bush, swollen with pride after U.S. troops successfully killed terrorist leader Musab al-zaquari, told the Iraqi people that everything was on the upswing for him now. "I don't read the polls," he told them, "but I sure want the ones I'm not reading to be really good."

When pressed by reporters to say something about the future of Iraq, he told them he was confident that Iraq's poll numbers would get better, too.

Cross-posted in slightly different form at LiberalOasis.

Congressmen were furious this week over what they call unfair treatment at the hands of law enforcement authorities.

Rep. James Sensenbrenner, who this week helmed a congressional inquiry into the search of a congressman's office pursuant to a warrant, voiced his outrage. "We want to be searched without warrants like everybody else," said Sensenbrenner. "We're tired of being treated like second class citizens."

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert agreed, and added that the recent search was dangerous. "I think it has been well established that getting warrants poses a threat to the security of the nation," he said.

Politiicians' indignation stemmed from the search of Congressman William Jefferson's office, which was searched by the FBI after agents found $90,000 in a freezer in his home.

Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi agreed with Republicans that the search was "inappropriate." "I don't mind that this may have been a fishing expedition, " she said. "But the process was just so disgustingly open and transparent."

The White House has tried this week to make amends and set politicians' minds at ease. During a pause in questioning witnesses at the House inquiry, Sensenbrenner quietly muttered to himself that he was "so damn thirsty." Minutes later, NSA agents brought him a glass of water.

"Now," Sensenbrenner said, "that's more like it."

National Guard officials said Tuesday that they were confident that they could handle the complexity of sending thousands of soldiers to the border with Mexico in the fight against illegal immigration. State officials, who will be in control of the troops, said they were awaiting more details from the federal government, which acknowledged Tuesday that it was still working out how to handle such a major domestic deployment.

Rocknard conceived the plan when he learned that President Bush wanted the Guard not to perform any law enforcement operations while "guarding" the border.

"Once I learned that we'd be mostly cooking and cleaning, the idea came naturally," he said. He added that another upside of the program was that the workers could be paid "almost nothing." He further justified his decision by insisting that guarding the border was "one of those jobs Americans want done but don't want to do themselves."

Herminio Vasquez, an illegal immigrant who became part of the program after swimming the Rio Grande at 4:00 a.m. last night, praised the plan. "This is the just the opportunity I came to the U.S. for," he said.

Vasquez hoped that the program would be expanded to other borders. "I like America," he said,"but I'm really hoping for a chance to go to Canada."

1) I believe I've answered that question ten times already. Let's move on.

2) I can't comment on a matter in which there is an ongoing criminal investigation.

3) I can assure you that nobody would like to know the answer to that question more than the President.

4) I don't know how you found out that I'm the new Press Secretary, but whoever leaked it to you has vitally damaged our national security and is an unwitting agent of al Qaeda.

5) That's a statement. Do you have a question?

6) Can you hold on to that? It's such a nice day today I'd like to move the briefing outside.

7) I've never really thought about it before, but that's a really interesting question.

8) You'd have to ask him that.

9) I don't know what he knew or didn't know or when he knew or didn't know it.

10) I am absolutely not thinking about stepping down. I assure you that there is no basis to the rumor that I may be leaving. I have personal assurances from the President that I will not be asked to leave. Having said that, I'm going to decline to answer your question in deference to my immediate successor.

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The U.S. Capitol was evacuated shortly after noon Monday after the building briefly lost power. . . . Mary-Beth Hutchinson, a spokeswoman for Potomac Electric Power Co., said the electricity shut off automatically after there was ''a momentary drop in voltage due to customer operations up the lines'' away from the Capitol.

Majority Leader John Boehner, who assumed that authorities had cut the electricity in order to effect a mass arrest of corrupt politicians, tried to throw himself from the visitors gallery. Because of the darkness, however, he ended up throwing himself into the lap of a lobbyist for a powerful oil consortium, he later claimed.

As he saw "the blackness closing in," Tom Delay resigned and attempted to surrender himself to the Capitol Police, telling them that he had lost "the great game" and that "the money" had been invested in rare coins.

Democrats took the power loss calmly, saying that it was just "business as usual." Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi knitted a sweater for a constituent throughout the ordeal.

Rumsfeld to Stay On

President Bush today admitted that he would be making major changes to White House staff in an attempt to address flagging poll numbers and "fatigue." Bush focused on Karl Rove and Dick Cheney, who Americans have indicated are at the heart of some of the deepest and worst missteps the administration has taken, among them the faltering response to Hurricane Katrina and the shooting of people in the face.

Rove and Cheney are to step down by week's end, after which they will be reappointed to their current positions. "I am not afraid to make tough calls, admit mistakes, and correct them," said Bush. "This is a White House which is committed to growth and change."

Bush pooh-poohed suggestions that the shakeup was purely cosmetic, and more of a public relations gambit than a substantive makeover. "This Dick Cheney is not the same Dick Cheney who took office with me in 2001. For one thing, I understand he's had some implants."

He also suggested that Karl Rove had been chastened and reborn in the wake of criticism and by the stigma of having to give up his office, if only for two days. Rove himself said, "I'm an idiot one day and a genius the next." Bush said that Rove had been "half-right," but would not elaborate other than to say that "this time out," the White House would employ him every other day.

Bush refused to replace Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, either with Rumsfeld or another person, despite calls for his resignation in the face of his poor handling of the Iraq war and the Abu Ghraib scandal. "I don't think anyone could have foreseen that the Iraq war would have cost this much money or caused any loss of life."

In celebration of the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, President Bush and Vice President Cheney dropped an enormous three-tiered anniversary cake on central Iraq, accidentally crushing the only working power plant in the area.

"Everything's just great in Iraq," said Cheney, who was so thrilled with the progress of the country that he was "planning to winter there someday."

"Things are so good now," said President Bush, "just imagine how fantastic it will be when they have a McDonald's on every corner."

Mohammed dar al Salim, a former baker whose shop had been destroyed by looters a year ago, agreed. "The future is certainly bright," he told reporters. "It's the present that worries me."

Fifty people who were killed yesterday as a result of the civil war could not be reached for comment.

The Senate will vote next week to pass a bill that will retroactively declare the Watergate break-in to be legal.

"If President Nixon felt that spying on the Democratic National Committee headquarters was necessary, that's good enough for me," said Sen. Pat Roberts (R.-Kan.), who elaborated, "It's time for us to stop second-guessing our leaders."

The bill is the first of a number of laws that aims to ensure that the President can do no wrong. Other laws contemplated by the Senate specifically authorize the trading of arms for hostages, manipulating intelligence to make the case for war, misleading the American people, and the use of the word "strategery."

Democrats moved swiftly with an amendment making the truthfulness of grand jury testimony dependent on what the meaning of "is" is.

Republicans also plan to give the White House three "Free Passes" and two get-out-jail-free cards in case White House officials commit crimes before Congress has the opportunity to decriminalize them.

"I am satisfied that these bills increase Congressional oversight of the Executive Branch," said Sen. Olympia Snowe. "After all, we can't insulate the President from the consequences of his wrongdoing unless the President tells us what he is doing wrong."

The White House has struck a deal to let a corporation owned by the Emir of Dubai operate the United States, anonymous sources revealed today. The deal was struck and vetted after U.S. government officials determined that Dubai would do "a much better job than we're doing."

President Bush did not learn of the plan until yesterday, but ardently criticized opposition to it. He denied that turning over the handling of the U.S. to Dubai would harm America's security. "A knowledge of Arabic and a thorough familiarity with Islam is essential in a post-911 world," said Bush. Other factors that contributed to the coming handover of U.S. oversight to Dubai included its proximity to Iraq, access to large reserves of oil, and familiarity with camels.

Bush said that opposition to the Dubai deal was decidedly racist and anti-Arab. "When I turned over the running of entire wings of the government to American corporations, not a soul complained," he pointed out.

Members of Congress were outraged by the deal, and threatened to put a stop to it altogether. Senators and Congressman on both sides of the aisle brandished legislation banning the deal, swore loudly, and held hearings, after which they completely backed down. Congress was last seen having dinner with several prominent and wealthy members of the Dubai government.

Al-Kalhettyi del Farignio, a spokesman for Dubai, said, "We are very excited about running America. Before we agreed to the deal we inspected America's books, and we can see that, although the country is losing money, operating the U.S. is extremely profitable."

With a hat tip and thanks to Seth Lieberman.

Eyewitnesses: Man Ran Into Cheney's Knife

Vice President Cheney accidentally killed a man during a previous hunting trip, the White House reluctantly confirmed today after denying the incident several times. During a deer hunting expedition on a friend's eight billion dollar ranch, a man "ran into Cheney's knife" several times while Cheney was gutting and dressing a deer, wealthy Republican Party donors and eyewitnesses said.

The man who died was Willford Buchs, a Bush family accountant who "took care of the books" for the Bushes and several Bush companies, and was later appointed Director of the Texas Accounting Commission after the previous commissioner was dismissed for revealing irregularities in the accounting practices of Buchs's clients.

Buchs's death was ruled a suicide by Sen. Dr. Bill Frist, who examined Mr. Buchs by polaroid. Cheney's involvement with the death has not previously been disclosed, although it occurred a little more than a year ago. The incident was uncovered by the press after reporters discovered Buchs's mummified carcass on the ground last week and began asking questions.

Questions have arisen as to why the White House failed to report the incident to the press or the authorities for more than a year. "The Vice President's office deferred to the people who owned the knife that he borrowed for the expedition," said Candy Ricks, a spokesman for the Veep. "It really was up to them." Ricks also maintained that it was not necessary to report the incident to the authorities because the Vice President and his party were authorities, "and very powerful and influential ones, too, I might add."

Ricks denied that Mr. Cheney needed to exercise more caution during hunting trips. "Mr. Cheney is every bit as careful with hunting as he is with civil liberties, foreign policy and democracy," she said.

Chickenhawks at Risk, Among Others

A ban on human-animal hybrids announced by President Bush in his State of the Union address has many senior White House staffers panicked, and the NIH, which has been tasked with enforcing the ban, has already prepared subpoenas for DNA samples for most of the White House staff.

Dick Cheney, who is thought to be a chickenhawk/man, told reporters today that the State of the Union was not intended to be taken literally by anyone. "It's really a rhetorical flourish," he said. Karl Rove, who many people freely attest is "not entirely human," backed up Cheney, saying that almost everything the President said was "unenforceable." Cheney and Rove then retired to the White House dining room where they gnawed on hanging seed sticks and sharpened their beaks.

A White House official, who preferred to remain anonymous because commenting on the genetic makeup of co-workers is frowned upon, said that Donald Rumsfeld, while not necessarily a chickenhawk, was certainly half-man, half-beast.

In this morning's press gaggle, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan found himself denying rumors today that the President himself is "half-man, half-chimp," saying only, "There's just a resemblance." After becoming increasingly defensive, McClellan finally compared the press corps to "a bunch of geese" and left the room.

A poll this morning found that Americans, by and large, are completely unconcerned by events in the White House or on Capitol Hill. According to pollster Melonie Fisk, "On the whole, Americans are more concerned with keeping up with the herd and the coming spring shearing."

Democrats today said that they will filibuster the nomination of Judge Samuel Alito as long as they can muster the votes to defeat themselves and cut off debate. Their strategy was designed to send a message that they strongly oppose "this controversial nominee" and will definitely support him.

Sen. Hillary Clinton, upon learning that the Democrats would certainly defeat any attempted filibuster, immediately announced her support for one. "I think we should do everything we can do to stop this nomination," she said. "The future of America depends on it."

Sen. Barack Obama -- who has said nothing to stir up opposition to Alito or to frame the debate surrounding Supreme Court nominees during his entire time in office -- reluctantly supported a last-minute filibuster. He told reporters that he decried the Democrats' failure to stir up opposition to the nomination and frame the debate surrounding Supreme Court nominees -- especially while relying upon last minute tactics. "The way I am governing appalls me," he said on a Sunday morning talk show.

Sen. John Kerry, who was aghast by the notion that Samuel Alito could take the bench, denied that he was pandering to his base by leading the charge for a filibuster. Reporters noted that Kerry had his finger in the wind the entire time he was speaking.

DNC Chairman Howard Dean tried to hail the Democrats' strategy as a victory. "There is nothing more important for the Democrats right now than being unified and on message," he said. "Today we're showing that together, we can't do anything."

As the Supreme Court ruled this week that Oregon's assisted suicide law was valid, Democrats rejoiced that there was now no further bar to their complete self-destruction.

"Now we can finally put an end to it all," said Sen. Diane Feinstein, who admitted that she had been worried that she was on shaky legal ground when she tried to sink the party earlier this week.

Sen. Joe Biden expostulated on his delight about the ruling, frequently veering off topic to tell personal anecdotes and occasionally wondering why people yawned when he spoke.

Hillary Clinton was too busy, either making remarks to satisfy her base or passing anti-flag burning laws to satisfy conservatives, to comment on the Supreme Court's decision.

Professor Eugene Tibbs, author of the book "How to Do Yourself In Without Going to Jail: A Guide," said that he did not know why Democrats were so happy about the ruling. "This ruling covers assisted suicide," he said. "As far as I can see, the Democrats never needed any help."

Powerful Lobbyists For Special Interests To Be Created Next Week

Iraqis hailed this week's Iraqi elections as a "good first step" step toward a representational democracy, but, with a mixture of sadness, hope, and courage, acknowledged that more needed to be done. "We have much to do before we can claim the kind of successful representative democracy that America has," said Fawad Ghreib, an Iraqi election official. "For one thing, in this election, sadly, we have a paper trail."

Ghreib was excited about the new democracy. "Soon we too may have secret laws, state-sanctioned torture, and unchecked domestic wiretapping."

Originally published, in slightly different form, here.

Bernard Kerik and Tom Ridge are joining ex-FEMA head Michael Brown to form what they say will be the "ultimate" disaster firm in the United States, if not the world.

Tom Ridge was the first head of the Department of Homeland Security. Kerik was never the head of the Department but he was once nominated for the position.

"I almost was the head," said Kerik. "Almost is pretty good."

Kerik added, "Should a disaster force a client out of public office, I can help them to transition to a cushy partnership, consultancy, or patronage job in the private sector."

The firm will be called Brown, Kerik and Ridge Disaster Planning, Inc., and their motto is "We plan disasters -- so you don't have to." The three partners incorporated, they said, to limit their liability.

Brown has already said that he can advise clients to avoid some of the mistakes "some people" made in New Orleans. Said Brown, "The first thing I tell clients is, in the event of a disaster, erase all of the emails. That is key."

Kerik agrees. "Never write anything down. You can always deny a conversation."

Ridge said that he had plenty of useful advice to offer clients involved with disasters. As an example, Ridge said that a disaster gives homeowners and renters alike the opportunity to rethink their wallpaper and window treatments. "I can help with the colors," he added.

President Bush today praised Iraq, calling it a strong, prosperous nation well on the way to becoming a model for democracies everywhere.

Bush responded to Sunni claims that the Iraqi military was committing barbarities . "Iraqis don't torture, either," he said.

Bush admitted that there have been "some minor atrocities," but ascribed these incidents to "one or two bad apples" who, he went on to explain, "appear to have been very busy."

Bush pooh-poohed reports of kidnappings and slayings, saying that he was quite convinced that Iraqis treated captives "every bit as good as we do."

"After all," Bush continued, "we trained them."

With a tip of the hat to V.B.

Cheney Said To Have Had Influence In Pick

Ahmed Chalabi was appointed to teach the White House's newly required ethics course, where he will instruct high level White House officials on maintaining the appearance of ethical conduct. (Two other candidates for the position, G. Gordon Liddy and I. Lewis Libby were unavailable, citing scheduling conflicts.)

Chalabi will use the course to develop a curriculum that he will later teach at the Cheney School of Government, a new school affiliated with Heritage Foundation and built using money the current Vice President has siphoned from the public trough.

Among the topics expected to offered at the Cheney School will be Advanced Up-is-Down-ism, Mechanics of Legal Fund Management, Co-Opting Big Media, and Bilateral Elocution. Chalabi is planning to helm two courses: Treason for Dummies and Intermediate Treachery.

Donald Rumsfeld will be teaching a course called "Bullet Points: How to Boil Down the Most Complex Situation into a Simple, Misleading, and Inaccurate Litany," and Paul Wolfowitz will teach "The Joy of Empire Building".

Cheney said that President Bush will not be teaching a course at the new school, but has instead applied to be the first student. "His application is under review," said Cheney, "but I must say, he doesn't seem to have any real aptitude for it."

Intelligent Designer Chastises Mortal

Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson told citizens of a Pennsylvania town that they had rejected God by voting their school board out of office for supporting "intelligent design" and warned them Thursday not to be surprised if disaster struck.

- Reuters News

At the same time, a booming and authoritative voice "like the voice of God" filled the air. "Jesus Christ!" God said.

A spokesangel for God later asked humanity to forgive Mr. Robertson and reminded all that he is "just a work-in-progress."

"God is hoping that future generations of Robertsons will evolve a more refined sense of spirituality," said the spokesangel.

The incident occurred during a break in the taping of "The 700 Club," and is the first reported case of divine intervention before a studio audience.

Bold Strategem Formulated

Senate democrats today announced that they would adopt a "wait and see" approach to the nomination of Judge Samuel Alito. Senator Joe Biden told reporters that Democrats would not announce their views on the nominee until after Alito's hearing and subsequent up-or-down vote on the nomination. "We're taking a cautious approach," he said.

But Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid would not rule out fierce opposition to Alito's nomination. "We could very well decide to filibuster Alito's nomination at any time after he becomes a Supreme Court Justice," said Reid.

Sen. Hillary Clinton advised the leadership to consider "holding their fire" for a fight they could win, and her colleagues agreed that this could be a prudent course to take. "We may hold our fire for some other fight we can lose," said Chuck Schumer.

He said that Democrats could decide on a firm position by early next year.

I. Lewis Libby managed to flee the country yesterday when Karl Rove pointed forcefully at Judge Samuel A. Alito, misdirecting the nation's attention and allowing Libby to escape. Libby is said to have flown to East Libbytonia, a small pacific island nation that he owns.

Yesterday morning, as Lewis Libby was leaving court after his arraignment on criminal charges, Rove pointed at Alito, saying, "Hey, look! A radical conservative who might well end up on the Supreme Court!" When the entire nation looked to the right, Libby ran to the far left, eventually rendezvousing with a boat that took him over the nation's western border.

Rove denied that he had aided and abetted Libby's escape. "I didn't help him anymore than I did in the CIA leak case," he said.

Libby was under indictment for lying to a grand jury under oath, among other charges, and faced up to 30 years in prison had he been convicted. (Libby was not charged with lying to the American people because that is not yet a crime.) He forfeited a million dollar bond he had posted pending resolution of his case. "It is," Libby said, "a small price to pay for freedom."

Professor Eric Stanhope Jones, an expert on freedom, concurred. "Libby got a lot more for his million dollars than America got for the 200 billion dollars it's spent so far on Iraq."

Master of Suspense Comes Back From Grave To Pay Homage To "New Master"

Master filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock rose from his grave today to pay tribute to Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, who he said has successfully generated more suspense around the Plame case than any number of Hitchcock's best thrillers. Hitchcock said that he had risen from his grave not only to meet Fitzgerald, but because he simply could not wait to find out what would happen next.

"In short," Hitchcock quipped, "the suspense is un-killing me."

Some say Fitzgerald is a student of Hitchcock who has finally surpassed his teacher; he has been known to regale companions with a tale of two people talking at a table under which two indictments are quietly ticking.

Update: Old Fashioned Patriot builds on this brilliantly:

Joseph Wilson, The Man Who Knew Too Much, was sent to Niger and wrote a letter, thus becoming a Foreign Correspondent. The Psycho didn't like Wilson's report because Bush's window dressing for attacking Iraq became A Torn Curtain. . . .

Will Continue Work She Started As Reporter At NY Times

Reporter Judith Miller announced today that she will resign from the staff of the New York Times to take a job with White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Miller testified recently before a federal grand jury concerning conversations she had with Libby about CIA agent Valerie Plame.

"Working directly under Scooter seemed like a natural move," said Miller. Miller may also assist Libby with some deep cleaning of intransigent stains in his apartment. "Yes," Miller confirmed, "I will continue to do his dirty work."

Miller has come under fire lately for a "chummy" relationship with Libby that some say clouded her reporting on Iraq's alleged WMD. Miller wrote five crucial articles advancing the Cheney administration's claims that Iraq possessed WMD, although she later admitted that those articles were "kind of wrong."

"Oops," she said, smiling and shrugging her shoulders.

Responding to critics who alleged that it was, at the very least, poor journalism to uncritically report as fact unsupported theories advanced by President Cheney and Scooter Libby, Miller said, "I can only be as ethical as my sources."

Miller recently spent 85 days in jail to protect the identity of a source whose name she cannot recall.

Best Man for the Job, Says Bush

President Bush withdrew Harriet Miers from consideration for the Supreme Court this morning and replaced her with an Iraqi soldier who told him yesterday, "President Bush, I like you."

"That's certainly good enough for me," said Bush.

President Bush was talking over a videolink with a small group of American soldiers in Iraq that included the Iraqi, Sgt. Maj. Akeel Shaker Nassi, when Nassi made his remark.

Nassi's statement capped a stream of praise which he had sent Bush's way since the invasion of Iraq. In a letter dated July, 2004, Nassi wrote, "President Bush, you are simply great!!!" and also, "I bet Laura is the best wife ever!!" In a seperate note, Nassi wrote, "You're super! You rock!"

Nassi recently described Bush as "the smartest man that I never met." He said that he hoped that Bush would give him a nickname soon, hopefully either "Baksheesh" or "Herb."

Conservatives who were opposed to the Miers nomination were unsure as to the position they should take on the new nominee, but James Dobson, head of prominent right-wing evangelical group, said that he supported the President's pick.

"I'm not at liberty to say why," he said, "but I just spoke to Karl Rove." Dobson said nothing further but held up a bible, pointed at it, gave a thumbs up, and winked knowingly.

President Bush said that he will veto a bill by Senators that would limit interrogation of military prisoners -- that is, prohibit torture -- but Bush said he would consider signing similar legislation if it provided for curbs on the interrogation of White House personnel.

Senior White House officials, among them Karl Rove, "Scooter" Libby, and Stephen Hadley were said to be very interested in making sure prisoners who recently worked in the White House would be treated humanely.

"We don't want to see them waterboarding Rove," said a high-ranking official who wished to remain anonymous because he feared his imminent indictment.

One of the reasons the White House gave for the legislation was that it sought to protect confidential information which the White House possesses. "We think that White House officials should be able to leak confidential information willingly," said the source.

"The only person in the White House who could stand up to torture is White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. We're convinced that no matter what anybody did to him, he would just spout the same evasionist nonsense that he doles out every day."

Long Held Positions of Trust and Confidence in Bush Administrations

This morning President Bush named an actual blank slate to fill Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's place on the Supreme Court. "This slate has served me well," said Bush, "and it will make a heckuva great Supreme Court judge."

The slate, which has never been a judge before, has a long history with President Bush, dating back to his days when it hung in an office at the Governor's Mansion in Texas. "That slate did a good job," said Bush. "It held whatever we wanted to it to. This is an excellent slate."

Democrats are already hoping they will receive better disclosure about the slate than they did about Chief Justice Roberts. "We expect to see what was written on this slate during its time in the Bush Administrations," said Senator Charles Schumer, a prominent member of the judiciary committee. Members of the Bush Administration have already hinted that they will only be releasing some lunch orders written on the slate in 1998. "We think that's enough," they said.

The affable and extremely collegiate slate is expected to have an easy confirmation, and hearings are not expected to take long. "There just isn't much that we can examine," said Sen. Patrick Leahy.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid however, has taken a strog position against the slate. "I will vote no," he said. "There's just too much we don't know about a slate that will end up making important decisions that impact America for the next generation."

That having been said, Reid said he would not pressure fellow Democrats on the vote. "The slate will certainly be confirmed," he said. Reid said that he was "holding his fire" for a battle that Democrats will be able to win.

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert today appointed Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA, to direct the House's investigation into the failure of FEMA to function adequately when handling the recent disaster in New Orleans.

"We're very serious about really uncovering the problems with FEMA. That's why we've appointed Mike Brown," said Hastert. "Who better to investigate FEMA than the former head of FEMA?" Although Brown has no previous investigatory experience of any kind, Hastert had confidence in him because"he's a longtime college friend of Joseph Allbaugh, one of the President's major fundraisers," Hastert said.

Investigators under Mr. Brown's leadership were raring to go "full speed ahead." Unfortunately, the investigation has been held up by the delay in getting "critical office supplies" to the investigators.

"We're drowning here," said an investigator who wanted to remain anonymous because he has a huge wart on his nose. "The paperwork is overwhelming. We need help."

Nonetheless, precious and crucial items which Mr. Brown had said he would provide to the investigatory team -- such as an "absolutely essential" pallet of paperclips, and forty "indispensible" filing cabinets -- have been mysteriously lost en route to Washington, and 300 bales of paper were accidentally delivered to Miami, according to Mr. Brown. "I am working on getting these materials to the team," said Mr. Brown, who said that local and state authorities had caused the delay.

Despite the delays, President Bush heavily endorsed Mr. Brown's leadership of the investigation. "Brownie's been doing a heck of a job," he said almost robotically, his eyes glazing over as he blinked anxiously.

Also on the investigating committee will be some Federal employees who, while not having experience with investigations previously, used to bowl with George W. Bush in college. "We used to go drunk driving together," said one, who spoke anonymously because otherwise people would know his name.

Ed. Note: This was written before we discovered that FEMA has actually hired Michael Brown as a "consultant" to "evaluate it's [sic] response to Hurricane Katrina." Hat tip to Talking Points Memo. In fact, turns out he was never off of FEMA's payroll.

Would Have Rescued Them If He Had Known They Were There, He Claims

Yesterday the President took responsibility for the poor Federal response to the New Orleans disaster and indicated that, "to the degree that there was a problem with the Federal response," he ultimately was to blame. He explained that he had previously been unaware that there were "so-called poor people" in New Orleans who "might have needed so-called help."

"I have been living in a bubble," the President admitted. "Until very recently, I didn't know that these so-called 'poor people' even existed." An advisor prepared a DVD containing images of poor people for the President to review last week.

The President said that now he was better informed, his administration would immediately move forward to consider ways of communicating and relating to the poor. "I promise we will try to remedy the problem of our insensitivity to poor people. From now on, we will move them places and promise them things and mention them in speeches," he said.

When aides finally briefed the President on the existence of the poor, the President was reportedly quite surprised to discover that some people do not own cars and are often forced to take public transportation, or even to walk or ride bicycles to get places.

"These poor people must be very fit," the President said.

Asked whether he would do anything to lessen poverty, Bush said, "We're certainly going to think about considering that and ask a lot of questions about giving that some thought."

The President later said that he was considering a plan to make stock options available to poor people at discounted prices in order to help welcome them into the ownership society.

But conservative groups have turned [March of the Penguins's] stirring depiction of the mating ordeals of emperor penguins into an unexpected battle anthem in the culture wars. . . .

"Some of the circumstances [the penguins] experienced seemed to parallel those of Christians," one man said of the penguins. "The penguin is falling behind, is like some Christians falling behind. The path changes every year, yet they find their way, is like the Holy Spirit."

The movie follows a group of penguins as they trek 70 miles across a harsh and frozen landscape and mate in sub-zero temperatures. When an egg is born, the male penguin sits on it until he either accidentally breaks it or until his mate comes back from an absurdly dangerous journey to bring him food four months later. While the females are gone, the weather becomes, almost impossibly, even worse and the males -- even the most homophobic ones -- have to press themselves together into a ball to have enough warmth to survive. The males are starving and entirely without cable TV or fried snack foods. When the few females that survive the trip return, some of the eggs hatch, producing tiny baby penguins that will have to grow up and endure the same grueling and tortuous life cycle of suffering all over again.

"What kind of God would create a life cycle like that?" said Darby Gorman, a lifelong and staunch liberal. "It's cruel and meaningless." After speaking with reporters, Gorman locked himself in a room where he contemplated the essential tediousness of everything.

Liberal critics are puzzled why prominent conservatives cite the penguins' behavior in the film as making a case for monagamy, even though penguins select a different mate every year. "That's not hard to understand," explained Religion Professor Claude Simpersill. "In this way penguins are just like Republican lawmakers."

"Liberals just don't get it," said Nancy Sunshine, a member of the religious group God's Children and a conservative. "God is speaking to us through this film. The parable of the penguin is the parable of Christians who are struggling to survive in America. If only one of our babies can hatch, we've done well."

Will Ask "Where was I?" and "What was I doing?"

President Bush announced yesterday that he will immediately undertake a comprehensive, exhaustive, and unrelenting investigation into himself, to discover his role, "if any," in the New Orleans disaster.

"I am going to ask tough questions and demand tough answers," Bush told reporters earlier today.

Speaking of the incredible force of the hurricane and the government's ignorance about the need for quick action in its aftermath, Bush said that there were many questions that needed to be answered.

"What did I not know and when did I not know it?" he said.

Bush wanted to know why he failed to act even though the National Weather Service precisely predicted the scope of the disaster a day before it occurred. "I am really at a loss," said Bush. "I guess that Cindy Sheehan thing had me even more rattled then I myself suspected."

Bush said that the investigation was too important a task to delegate to anyone else. "Some things you don't want to delegate to a subordinate or an inferior who might screw things up," he said. "Some things demand leadership."

President Bush said that his present umbrella was "working perfectly" and rejected calls for a new one.

"This umbrella is perhaps one of the finest umbrellas this country has ever had," said Bush, "and I stand firmly behind it."

Critics said that Bush's umbrella was "ineffective, severely flawed, and just as bad as no umbrella at all." In response, Bush said that was "just people playing politics," and that he was not "all wet," as many have alleged.

"That's exactly what you'd expect them to say," said Bush.

Habeeb McKenzie, a former postal worker from Louisiana, said,"Who is he kidding? That umbrella don't work for shit!" He foraged around among his things. "If I had food, water, affordable gas, oil, housing, security, or even a scrap of encouraging news from the rest of my family, I would happily offer you some mail."

Originally published in slightly modified form on June 3, 2004.

Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson explained today that remarks he made on television recently -- which the media portrayed as a call for Hugo Chavez's assassination -- had unfortunately been misunderstood and misreported, and he apologized.

"When I said our special forces should 'take him out,' I meant 'to a nice dinner,'" said Robertson. "Of course, if Chavez were to die accidentally after the dinner, from say, something he ate, who could deny that we would all be better off?"

Robertson, who emphasized that he is a champion of the culture of life, said that his words were ill-chosen, and that, while they accurately reflected his views in favor of assassination, he did not mean to express them on national television.

Iran Offers To Write Iraqi Constitution "Just To Help Out"

Iraqis faced their first, and perhaps direst, constitutional crisis today because, by midnight tonight, they may not have a constitution around which to have a crisis. Members of the provisional government are in heated negotiations to agree on the final provisions of a constitution, but still differ on some minor points, such as: who will govern, what states will exist, the rights of citizens, whether Kurds should be considered as whey, what the role of religion in government should be, who gets the oil rights, and whether women can be bought like furniture.

Iraqi leaders said they were "making great progress" on the constitution and that existing napkins held many details of the final document. Nonetheless, in order to make the deadline, they are considering ignoring the demands of many of the country's factions, including those of the Sunnis, Shiites, Kurds, Shards, Nerds and Tribbles. "It is essential that we have a constitution of some kind by the end of today, even if it plunges the country into a state of never-ending civil war," said one Iraqi leader.

Iran has offered to provide the Iraqis with a constitution that is "perfectly indifferent" to the desires of the Iranian government, according to the Iranian government. "We want nothing for the Iraqis but their complete and utter happiness," said Iranian government member Mohammed Awari. "Is that the word? Or did I mean subjugation?"

Brush So Dense It Blocked Meeting With Cindy Sheehan, Says Bush

President Bush announced today that he is extending his five-week-long vacation until "at least October," because the brush on his Crawford ranch was "out of control," "all over the place," and "posed a possible threat to national security."

"No one's been attending to the brush," said Bush. But, he affirmed, he will not be deterred from his mission to clear it.

Spokespersons said Bush was so busy clearing the brush that he could not meet with Cindy Sheehan, who has been camping outside of the Crawford ranch until the President speaks to her about the Iraq war, where her son died serving the nation. Bush himself later told reporters that the brush was too dense for him to get to her. "It's a quagmire," he said.

Cindy Sheehan disagreed. "I don't see any brush," she said. "From where I stand, I can see everything quite clearly."

Will Personally Review Entire Body of Scientific "Knowledge," Says White House

The White House announced today that President Bush would henceforth determine the scientific curriculum to be taught in America's schools. The announcement came immediately after Bush endorsed the teaching of intelligent design.

President Bush apparently wants to adopt a modified pre-Copernican view of astronomy, to start. "This whole notion that the universe does not revolve around our great nation, our great planet, seems kind of crazy," he told reporters yesterday.

Bush was also skeptical about what he called "the notion of gravity." "I'm uncomfortable with teaching our children that bodies are attracted to each other," he said. "That seems like an unwholesome idea to put into children's heads, don't it?" He speculated that objects fall to the ground because "God wants them to."

Dr. James Dobson, founder of the rightwing Christian group Focus on the Family, applauded Bush's plans to eliminate scientists from science. "It just puts all four of my humours into complete harmony," he said.

Critics were less sanguine, however. "If George Bush is for teaching intelligent design in schools," said Professor and biologist Byron Glick, "it proves that there isn't any."

Researchers Tie Global Warming To Presence Of Talking Legislators

A wave of relief swept the nation as Congress adjourned last week and record high temperatures finally subsided.

"There is a definite correlation between increasing temperatures and the presence of legislating congresspeople," said scientist Lloyd Dnaiels, whose last name was the result of a spelling mistake that "stuck."

Scientists have rarely seen environmental effects as extreme as those caused by the last session of Congress, however. "This past year, we saw record-breaking levels of incendiary rhetoric, heated bloviating, and acid bile," said Dnaiels.

Dnaiels said that scientists are working to insulate Americans from the effects of Congress, but so far they have made little progress. "One solution under consideration is to dissolve Congress entirely, but some scientists maintain that Congress is capable of benefitting the American people," said Dnaiels. "We're still looking for signs of that."

If scientists succeed, said Dnaiels, they will move on to protecting Americans from the effects of the judiciary and executive branches of government.

NASA announced today that shuttle astronauts would be subjected to random spot searches starting this morning. Launch Director Algonquin Brown explained that the searches were reasonable measures designed to make shuttle launches safer.

The program was inspired by New York City's new program instituting random searches of passengers' bags on the city's subways. "The program has been very successful," Brown told reporters. "Not a single tile has fallen off the "6" train since they started searching people last Friday."

A Federal marshall assigned to administer the random spot checks shook down Commander Eileen Collins early this morning and discovered two packs of dentyne, a canister of lipstick that works in zero gravity and a nail clipper. The nail clipper was confiscated because Federal regulations prohibit the carrying of nail clippers into a cockpit.

NASA expects that random searches of astronauts may delay future launches and diminish astronauts' sense of privacy, but "that's the price you pay for liberty in a free society," said Brown.

In related news, New York City police officers assured the public that they were not profiling or targeting only Arab-looking males during searches. "We're harassing everyone," a spokesman said.

JOHN: We're back to All Night Wrestling, ladies and gentlemen, where the Democratic Party seem to have Karl Rove on the ropes. Sen. Harry Reid has Rove on the mat, it looks like it may be all over . . .

JIM: Oh, and this just in: a missing turtle roils Western Connecticut. This and what you don't know about sea bass that could kill you, after the break.

A White House source who declined to be identified because it did not serve his purposes -- Lewis Libby, Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff -- leaked to reporters today that Karl Rove was entirely dependent on columnist Bob Novak for confidential government information. For instance, Libby said, Rove did not leak Valerie Plame's name and occupation to Robert Novak; Novak leaked it to him.

"I understand that it is rare for a a government official at the highest levels of the federal government, in the White House, virtually sitting in the President's lap, to be entirely dependent on a reporter for top-secret, highly confidential government information, but that's the case here," said Libby anonymously.

Libby asked to be known to the public only by the nickname "Hand Job," in the tradition of other famous government leakers.

"Sadly, despite Rove's powerful influence in the White House, his top-secret clearance, and his intimate association with the heads of the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, DIA, DNA and DDT, he knew nothing about anything until Bob Novak clued him on it," said Libby. "This is Karl's terrible little secret."

In related news, Minority Leader Bill Frist said that Democrats calling for Rove's ouster were resorting to partisan war chants and refused to "pass the peace pipe" and "make'um nice."

"I have set the tone for working with my comrades on the other side of the aisle," said Frist. "It's awfully sad when democrats feel they have to be as fiercely partisan as I have been."

In a press conference yesterday, White House spokesperson Scott McClellan refused to confirm that the President knew a "Karl Rove" or that he had ever come across anyone by that name.

"I will not comment upon whether the name is even vaguely familiar to me," said McClellan, saying that "the White House has a policy of not giving potentially damaging information to the public at any time."

McClellan received questions from reporters about an incident wherein Mr. Rove -- today the Deputy Chief of Staff at the White House -- compromised the nation's security in order to punish a former ambassador with whom he was displeased. In response, McClellan declined to say whether the President still had confidence in Rove, would not say whether the President had spoken to Rove about the "Plame incident," whether the President knew him, or had heard of him.

Finally, Mr. McClellan denied understanding the words "Karl Rove," merely shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders in a show of incomprehension.

The questioning soon turned to abuse, and reporters hurled threats, insults, and rolled-up newspapers at McClellan until he left the Briefing Room and was replaced by his assistant, Pamela Wiesenstadt.

Ms. Wiesenstatdt refused to confirm or deny the existence of any "Scott McClellan."

Hat tip to Sebestian Meyer of Sebimeyer. Sebimeyer has the entire transcript of yesterday's press gaggle here.

A Federal judge decided today that New York Times "reporter" Judith Miller "wasn't being punished enough" for refusing to obey the law and ordered that she be transferred from a Virginia detention facility to Robert Novak's home, where she will be incarcerated until October.

"I decided to grant Ms. Miller's request for house arrest," said the judge. "And this is the house she should be in." The judge added that he thought that Mr. Novak "deserved some punishment, too."

Miller's lawyers are returning to court this afternoon to argue that the judge's new ruling constiutes cruel and unusual punishment.

Upon learning of the ruling, Ms. Miller said, "If young men can give their lives to fight the war in Iraq, I guess I can muster the courage to spend 120 days in Bob Novak's home." She went on to say that she was willing to "sacrifice everything" in pursuit of a "free America" and babbled about the First Amendment and "responsible journalism" until at least one reporter smacked her.

Mr. Novak reflexively called the judge "a braying jackass," and complained that Miller "always hogged the remote," among other things.

Miller and Novak have not spoken since Miller told Novak that Lewis Libby had called to tell her, on Karl Rove's instructions, that Valerie Plame was a CIA agent.

Army Already In Place

Last night, in an address to the nation, President Bush explained that he would have to "invade Iraq again," because "it's an awful mess over there." He said he was "not sure who was in charge" in Iraq, but that it had again become the "nexus of the axis of evil."

Bush noted that this second invasion would be much easier to execute "because we already have most of our army in place."

Bush called on Americans to sacrifice "during this difficult time between American Idol seasons."

He said that the effort in Iraq was "worth it," saying that "we really have gotten a bang for our buck." He declined to put a figure on each dead or captured terrorist, only saying that it was probably "in the low billions."

"I am proud to have been instrumental in creating an entirely new front in the war on terror where one didn't exist even as recently as three years ago," he said. He ended by saying "9/11" a hundred-and-fifty times, and concluded, "Amen."

Relieved Army Sheds Flippers, Scuba Gear, Water Wings

On Sunday talk shows yesterday, Donald Rumsfeld and General John Abizaid reassured the American people that the insurgency will not push U.S. forces into the sea, because Iraq is landlocked, they asserted.

"So we continue to discount the sea contingency, although we cannot make assurances against the 'pushed into neighboring Turkey' contigency," said Rumsfeld.

The insurgency, which is in its "death throes," according to Rumsfeld, "may still linger on into the next century." He said that Americans should be reassured, however, because U.S. forces would either be pushed out or voluntarily withdrawn long before then.

"The U.S. Army is the best equipped, best trained, most deadly fighting force in the world," said Rumsfeld. "That having been said, if the insurgency isn't gone within the next couple of years, we'll leave it to the marginally equipped, moderately trained Iraqi army to finish the job."

Referring to a pocket dictionary that he apparently wrote himself, Rumsfeld described leaving Iraq with an increasingly adept and well-armed enemy utterly destroying the security of that nation as an "enormous success," a "great victory," and a "model of democratic transformation."

She certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli.

- Sen. Bill Frist, on the completely and utterly blind Terri Shiavo

I spent several minutes looking at your picture. It is clear to me that an elephant is not actually massaging your leg. I would suggest Tylenol. If the pain continues to return, amputation is always an option.

Yours,

Senator Doctor William Frist

That's a mighty big mouse! Just kidding. I spent some time with your photograph last night and it is fortunate that you sent me a profile shot, since I can now say from my examination it that you have an inner ear infection. Take a ten-day course of Amoxycillin and you will be right as rain.

Senator Doctor William Frist

P.S. That will be $300.

I regret to tell you that, from my examination of your video, not only is Sally sleeping with other men -- among them the fishing boat captain appearing in the opening frames of your video -- but you have a degenerative neurological disorder and will soon be unable to say "this," and," or "but." There is no cure but, after Sally moves out, you will be able to keep the food processor.

Best,

Sen. Dr. William Frist

As much as I would like to help, this is really outside my field of expertise. I have thus taken the liberty of forwarding your request to Senator Rick Santorum.

The Honorable Senator Dr. Frist

UPDATE: More "Ask Doctor Frist" provided by the FreewayBlogger at Abstinence Only.

The United States released a report two years ago that showed that global warning is a significant threat to the environment fairy tale. Scientists believe that the polar icecaps will be gone by next year stem cell research will cause dangerous flash flooding in Missouri. Clearly the answer to the threat is to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and sign the Kyoto treaty make abortion illegal. The Bush Administration believes that science is a hoax and the law of gravity is "just a theory" everyone deserves a massive tax cut.

Just yesterday, melting of the ice caps caused a tsunami in Asia President Bush walked his dog, Barney. Millions died. It was a beautiful day.

Republicans today criticized Paul Revere for his famous ride, saying that he had violated professional colonial ethics by divulging military secrets in violation of his duty to his lord, the King of England.

"These were sensitive informations about military troop movements with which he had been entrusted," said G. Gordon Liddy, an expert on ethics in government and a professor at several unaccredited law schools.

"Paul Revere was a traitor and a law breaker," said Anakin Skywalker in a confidential interview shortly before his limbs were lopped off and he burst into flame.

Conservatives all over America pointed out that Revere also endangered people's lives by riding willy nilly all over Massachusetts at a full gallop in the dark of night. "He could have trampled someone," said Bill O'Reilly. "Paul Revere was a reckless and irresponsible nazi," he added.

Pat Buchanan derided Revere as a "coward" and a "snake" who was unwilling to be direct with the British government regarding his complaints about the monarchy. "There were channels," he said.

Peggy Noonan shook her head. "There's nothing sadder than Americans who have no respect for the rule of law," she said.

Koran Abuse, Certain Human Rights Violations Not Available In Syria, Syrian Officials Explain

The government of Syria has announced that it will send suspects to the United States for interrogation in order to skirt limitations on the handling of prisoners in Syria. "We have determined that we cannot adequately question Syrian suspects in this country," said Syrian Director of Prisoner Interrogation Hosni Washkar today. "We will get better results if they are kept in a gula-- excuse me, in a U.S. base."

President Bush hailed the arrangement as a "cooperative venture" designed to encourage the growth of democracy in Syria. "Freedom is on the march," he said.

The news comes just days after Amnesty International released a report condemning U.S. practices at Guantanamo. President Bush declared the report "absurd" and invited the authors of the report to Guantanamo so they can be "re-eddicated."

"We're not flushing Korans down toilets there," said Donald Rumsfeld late yesterday, after reporters forgot to ask the President follow-up questions during his press conference. "As to the Korans, we treat them fairly well." Rumsfeld declined to answer questions about the treatment of people.

Bush said that the Amnesty report was based upon the complaints of detainees who had been "trained to disassemble".

Amnesty International Gladys Potash commented, "It's Guantanamo that should be disassembled."

With a hat tip to Victor Barall.

Senate Republicans who feared that they would not get the 50 votes they needed to destroy the filibuster spoke of abandoning the so-called "nuclear option" in favor of biological or chemical warfare.

"We should just gas all of them," said Sen. Rick Santorum of the Democrats, almost immediately after he had called them Nazis. Sen. Santorum later told critics that he had meant "sedating all of the Democrats with a non-toxic inhalant."

Another proposal on the table in behind-the-scenes discussion among conservative GOP senators is to inroduce Santorum's 6-year old niece, Bonnie Santorum, known to politicians as "Contagious Bonnie," into the Senate chamber. Most of the GOP senators have individually caught flus, coughs, incapaciting colds, and head lice from Bonnie in unfortunate happenstance encounters over the past two years, and Dr. Frist has certified that they have built up antibodies to her. Democrats, however, are expected to suffer and become unable to report for work long enough for the GOP to take advantage of their absence.

"And then the only issue would be whether we had a quorum," said Frist. "And when Dick Cheney is the Presiding Officer, well, a quorum is what we say it is."

The conservative organization Focus on the Family, which has been instrumental in forcing Republicans to wage the filibuster battle, supports the exploration of all "extreme" options, said Dr. James Dobson. "The ends definitely justify the means," said Dobson. "If it takes unethical and immoral acts to make this a more ethical America, then -- what are we waiting for?"

Cites Protests, Poor Sourcing, Newsweek Debacle as Impetus

George W. Bush retracted the Iraq war today, saying that it had been based on information from an unreliable source and that the original premises for the war were wrong.

"We had one source for the war -- two, if you count Judith Miller -- and it now appears that that source didn't know what he was talking about," George W. Bush told reporters. (Ahmed Chalabi had no comment, but told reporters that he would consider "telling them everything they wanted to hear" for 10 million dollars.)

While the Administration initially reported that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and that it was linked to the 9/11 attacks on America, it appeared as recently as last Thursday that that was not true. "We couldn't be sorrier that our misreporting of the facts surrounding Iraq has caused the loss of human life," said Scott McClellan today.

McCelllan explained that the President thought that the recent Newsweek debacle required the Administration to reexamine its own poorly sourced actions. "We couldn't really ask Newsweek for an apology and not admit our own mistake," said McClellan. "We're not hypocrites."

Also A Crack Addict, Senators Admit

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee reported yesterday that nominee John Bolton has ties to organized crime and worked as a "crack whore" as recently as last Tuesday. "That being said," said Senator George V. Voinovich, "the committee is sending Mr. Bolton's nomination on to the Senate floor where he will almost certainly be confirmed."

GOP Senators vowed that the time was right for a United States citizen such as Bolton -- who senators admitted may also have been a "pimp" when he was UnderSecretary of State -- to represent the United States in the United Nations. "John Bolton is the man for the job," said GOP Elder James Baker III, who took his hand out of the pockets of Saudi oil merchants just long enough to speak to reporters today.

"We want to signal our willingness to work closely with the member nations of the U.N. by sending them a man who is a fine example of what this administration is all about," said Dick Cheney.

Mr. Bolton could not be reached for comment. A spokesperson said that Bolton was spending some "personal time" sticking pins in a Kofi Annan doll with some friends.

Possible Terrorist Attacks Will Not Hinder Only Working Bush Administration Domestic Policy, Vow White House Officials

While some criticized the Administration for failing to inform the President of a red alert triggered by a small aircraft that flew perilously close to the White House yesterday, U.S. officials denied there was any error.

"We have shown these terrorist thugs that their threats cannot and will not deter the free leader of the world from pumping iron," said Donald Rumsfeld. "Or pedaling."

Some criticized the Administration for not alerting the Commander in Chief of a red alert resulting in a widespread emergency evacuation, in what some feared was a possible terrorist attack. While Supreme Court Justices were hurriedly yanked into underground parking lots, and Dick Cheney was once again whisked away to a secure location, the President rode his bicycle down a leafy Maryland park path.

"We 're just pleased President Bush didn't fall down again," said a senior official, on the condition that he not be identified.

Scott McClellan confirmed that the President was not informed of the emergency facing the nation's capital, but was quick to point out that, at the time of the evacuation, the President had shifted into a higher gear. "I think it was fifth, or maybe even sixth," McClellan defiantly told reporters today.

While McClellan did confirm that the government was in a state of red alert during the President's "very soothing" bike ride, senior officials at the Department of Homeland Security considered revising threat protocols in light of yesterday's events.

"We're thinking of creating a level higher than red," said one official. "There would be 'red' and then, above that, 'Interrupt the President's bicycle ride.'"

Educating Children Possibly Big Mistake, Uneducated Kansans Say

Members of the Kansas State Board of Education started a "debate" last week exploring whether or not it was proper to pass knowledge on to children in schools. "Perhaps passing on everything that mankind has learned to our children is overrated," said Board of Education member Sheila Kitzick to fellow board members last Wednesday.

Instead of teaching children about evolution, Kansans proposed teaching children that the earth is flat, and that everyone will fall off if they walk over the edge of the Kansas border. "Have you ever seen anyone come back from a trip to the mythical city of Denver?" asked Ph.D. Farrah Reed of Topeka.

Kitzick and her brethren were also troubled by what they claimed is "a bad trend" in history classes of teaching everything that "allegedly" came after the Dark Ages. "What is this 'rennaisance' teachers keep prattling on about?' she asked.

Professor Bill Nybol, a visiting scholar from Princeton, advocated for the actual education of children, urging, "We can teach our children about the world without compromising our religious beliefs." He was subsequently found to be a witch and burned.

Biologist Bryan Phelps, a colleague of Nybol's, surprised reporters when he said that was not sure that evolution should be taught in Kansas schools. "While there is abundant evidence of evolution almost everywhere in the world," he said, "there isn't much in Kansas."

Pledges to Vigorously Prosecute Case

Jack Abramoff, a powerful lobbyist who is himself being investigated for allegations of corruption, was appointed to investigate allegations that Congressman Tom Delay improperly permitted Abramoff to pay for Delay's airfare.

"I'm going to look into it very thoroughly," said Abramoff.

Abramoff was asked to substitute for two congressmen who today recused themselves from the House ethics committee because they had donated money to Delay's legal fund. "We want everyone to understand that there's no funny business going on here,' said Congressman Lamar Smith of Texas, who again donated $5000 to Delay's legal defense fund as he gave the press conference announcing his recusal.

Members of the ethics committee who have received money from Tom Delay's Political Action Committee are staying on the panel, however, "just to balance everything out," said a Congressional spokesperson.

Abramoff rejected the suggestion that he would be too biased to fairly investigate Delay. "I'm not at all partisan,' he said. "I pay for Democrats' trips, too."

Rumsfeld Eager To Take On New Job

The U.S. government today announced that the once vaunted food pyramid -- used as a model for American nutrition since 1992 -- will immediately be replaced by the food Pentagon. Donald Rumsfeld will be chief.

"I am looking forward to supervising the daily caloric intake of every American," said Secretary Rumsfeld, who will add the new job to his portfolio. "It's very simple," he said. "You eat what we tell you to."

Ewing Fitzsimmon, Undersecretary for Policy on Ruffage and Fiber, explained that today's America needed a more aggressive, more "go-to attitude" toward nutrition.

Part of the problem with the food pyramid, explained Fitzsimmon, was that while it was relatively easy to understand, most Americans simply did not follow it. The new program will instead involve extremely complicated guidelines that will be phased in gradually until they become mandatory in June of 2006.

"When people don't eat right, we get a flabby populace," said Rumsfeld, "and a flabby populace means that America sags in all the wrong places. We want to present our best face to the world."

"Nobody eats anything but beans until 1300 hours," he continued. "We need to reduce America's dependence on oil."

Mourners Nonetheless Intrigued By Notion Of Private, Personal Accounts

Yesterday President Bush, when asked just outside of the Vatican to comment on his viewing of the Pope, accidentally launched into a spiel about Social Security and the need for reform. He unfortunately drew his words from a speech he gave upon visiting the U.S. Treasury Department's Bureau of Public Debt earlier this week.

The President told millions of the Pope's followers and admirers waiting for a glimpse of the Holy Father, "There's really nothing in there," as he gestured toward the Vatican. "All that's in there is really just a bunch of I.O.U.'s."

In what the White House has called "a miracle," most of the crowd was unable to make sense of the President's statements.

Senior officials at the White House claimed that it was the right time and place for a speech about Social Security, noting that a funeral is always a good time to talk about planning for retirement.

The success of Congress's record-breakingly speedy passage of a bill specifically crafted for the parents and brother of persistently-vegetative Terry Schiavo induced a furor this morning as America's other 293 million inhabitants eagerly awaited their own "personal legislation."

"I can't wait," said seven-year-old Terry Dooley, who has petitioned Congress to pass legislation ordering Schwinn to give him a new bike.

Americans couldn't be happier that Congress is finally doing something for them. "Now, this is your government at work," said Piper Cobb, who has asked Congress for a law requiring credit card companies to give him an exceptionally low rate of interest with no late payment fees.

"The era of the individually targeted law has arrived," said Professor Anthony Garnabanzo. "Congress has finally abandoned the idea of forging general domestic policies that impact on the entire country."

Tammy Gamble of Illinois has asked Congress to pass a law stopping the accelerating erosion of health care benefits offered by her employer, Sears. "Pretty soon we will not be able to afford the cost of my cancer medication copayment," she said.

Garnabanzo traced the evolution of so-called "personally crafted" legislation back to the advent of George W. Bush's presidency. "When the Supreme Court created a personal private right of action protecting George W. Bush from counting the Florida ballots, it was just a matter of time before they started protecting other people."

UPDATE: Two new developments in the Schiavo case:
God's 15-Year Quest To Call Terri Schiavo Home Delayed By Congress and Doctors Declare Congress "Persistently Vegetative," Petition For Withdrawal of Life Support.

The Saudi Arabian Government today hailed President Bush's choice of Karen Hughes as a kind of Ambassador to the male-dominated Arab world. This week, Bush appointed Hughes to act as the U.S. emissary charged with healing the United States' image in the Arab world. It is already working, according to some Arabs.

"We used to think the U.S. was supremely arrogant," said Saudi Arabian Wahdi Feisal. "Now -- we don't know what to think."

"In the Arab world, being asked to meet with the woman of the house is like having your nose rubbed in camel excrement. But this is a purely cultural norm that we can overcome," said Hasan bin-Abdul, as he ripped the raw liver out of a goat as a valued gift for presentation to Hughes on her first official visit.

"We welcome Karen Hughes," agreed Sheik Abdul-Rayadh, royal emissary of Saudi Arabia to Women in Power, whose position was awarded to him as a punishment. "But if she takes off her veil, we will have to cut off her nose. It is Islamic law."

President Bush reaffirmed his confidence in Hughes as his choice to repair the U.S.'s tarnished image abroad. "I am firmly convinced that Karen Hughes can fix things with the Arab nations as well as she fixed the press's reporting of my drunk driving conviction," he smirked.

Hughes herself was pleased, announcing that she was happy to be able to spend more time with other people's families.

Afraid Other Issue Might Eventually Pop Up On Nightly News

A poll of Americans this weekend found that over 88% of them were afraid that the Social Security debate would not go on much longer. 98% of Americans found the give and take about Social Security "utterly fascinating" and filled with "intrigue."

Americans need not fear, however, as President Bush indicated today that he planned to focus on Social Security for the "next five years," according to White House spokespersons.

Indeed, President Bush revealed that he "just likes talking about saving Social Security," and wasn't sure if he would ever send a bill to Congress for its approval.

"I'm just thrilled to be able to use my bully pulpit to bring Social Security back into the national debate," said Bush.

The American public was greatly relieved. "Everytime I turn on my television, I am afraid I'll find news of something else," said Charlotte Rambling of North Carolina. "For pure entertainment value, you just can't beat those Social Security discussions."

Arlen Ferdinand of Pockstown, Minnesota agreed. "The Michael Jackson trial has been a huge disappointment," he said.

President Bush has expanded his push to discuss Social Security in America to include every small town "in the union," and hopes to reach Alaska by 2007. By that time, the President hopes the dialogue he has with wealthy Americans and corporations back in Washington will allow him to hammer out at least one single detail of his plan. After that, he plans to make "at least one more circuit" of the country.

"This is an important issue," said Republican Bill Kringlesman of Tennessee. "I just hope the President finalizes his plan before I finish paying off my mortgage in 2052."

Bankruptcy Bill Ditched In Favor Of More "Direct" Legislation

The GOP leadership in Congress has decided to throw out the Bankruptcy Bill in favor of legislation that directly transfers all money from the poor and middle class to wealthy individuals and mammoth corporations.

"The bankruptcy bill -- which completely stopped this horrible practice of providing middle class and poor people a fresh start -- was a great idea" said Bill Frist. "But then we figured, why not just give those big corporations and CEO's the money directly?"

"We're tired of all these half-measures," agreed Sen. Mitch McConnell.

Republicans also expressed frustration at the length of time it was taking to dismantle social programs helping the poor and middle-class to live. "What is taking so freaking long already?" said John Sununu. "It's time for the downtrodden to start stumbling about on their own two gimpy legs, without the government getting involved and stirring up trouble."

Republicans were also concerned that government programs continued to regulate corporations for the good of the people. "These public policy initiatves are getting in the way of the ownership society," said Sen. Rick Santorum.

"Owning things is good," said Fred Dursley, President of Chase Manhattan Bank and a sponsor of the Bankruptcy Bill. "But sometimes owing things is better."

[Scalia] called the Ten Commandments "a symbol of the fact that government derives its authority from God," adding, "That seems to me an appropriate symbol to put on government grounds."

"I think Justice Scalia may be mistaken," God is reported to have said.

"I think the American government was created by a bunch of guys from England," said God, "but I could be wrong." God also reportedly mumbled that, although He was present at the signing of the Declaration of Independence, that "John Hancock guy" had not left Him room to sign anywhere. God also noted that he had nothing to do with the U.S. Constitution, "particularly the Electoral College," although He thought the Bill of Rights was "not so bad."

God complained about the "common misconception among the unwise" that governmental authority derives from Him. "My Justice is perfect," said God. "But if you look, I think you'll see that the justice of Man is necessarily less than that." According to a lesser prophet, God then instructed an archangel to send a memo to Justice Scalia on original sin.

In an aside, God said that mortals needed to lay off displaying the Ten Commandments in courthouses. "You don't see me putting up copies of the Penal Code in my churches," He said.

Hardly Tortured Anyone Who Did Not Deserve It, Officials Say

The State Department on Monday detailed an array of human rights abuses last year by the Iraqi government, including torture, rape and illegal detentions by police officers and functionaries of the interim administration that took power in June.

"The Iraqi government only raped and tortured individuals who were either suspected to be insurgents or were wrongly thought to be insurgents," said Harold Glipner, a State Department spokesperson. "We were very pleased."

In a joint press conference, Donald Rumsfeld and Alberto Gonzalez praised Iraq's human rights record, saying, "We could not have done a better job if we'd done it ourselves."

Iraqi detainees themselves also praised the interim government's human rights record after hours of sensory deprivation and sexual humiliation. "Yes, yes," said an unidentified figure somewhere near Basra.

Some Democracies Accidentally Evacuated

President Bush's remarks to foreign leaders about spreading democracy caused a widespread panic this week among individuals and nations who were uncertain as to the import of his remarks. Early in the week, Bush told foreign leaders that he would spread democracy throughout the world so that the flower of liberty will continue to bloom and grow. "We have spread democracy all around and planted the seeds of liberty," said Bush. "If you water that seed, there'll be lots of fruits." Bush then pledged to "aggressively spread democracy everywhere."

His remarks alarmed many, and several small democracies, and one theocratic monarchy, evacuated pending clarification from the United States.

After his remarks about the spread of democracy, President Bush talked about "being tough with the moolahs," which quickly plunged economic markets around the world into a downward spiral. White House spokespersons later clarified that the President's words should not have panicked anyone, because the President "did not mean what he said," and "was not sure what he was talking about."

A poll found that Bush's statements about spreading democracy were slightly better received in Western Europe than elsewhere: 68% of Western Europeans did not trust Bush to spread democracy, and 68% thought that Bush was talking about spreading something else. "I know what he was talking about, but I think he meant 'compost,'" said Gerhadt Sheinmutter, a German gardener. Nine out of ten Europeans also mentioned that they did not need a Bush spread, whatever it was, because they had Nutella.

In the wake of the reaction to his remarks, President Bush today promised to speak more plainly, but noted that he "was keeping his options open."

The Bush Administration today said that its credentialing of a Republican prostitute to the White House press pool was part of a job training and escort outreach initiative. "It's part of a program of good works," said Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

The White House was trying to explain why Jim Guckart was given daily access to the White House for the last two years. Guckart, who went by the name of Jeff Gannon in the Briefing Room, has been credentialed as a member of the press corps, and received a White House press pass even before he had ever become a journalist, Salon now reports.

Escort Asked to Visit White House At No Charge, Says McClellan

The White House denied that it had paid Guckart to come to the White House press corps to spend time with with Ari Fleischer, Scott McClellan and President Bush. Although Guckert's x-rated web sites offer Guckart's male escort services for $200 an hour, or $1500 a weekend, the White House said it did not pay those rates. "He didn't charge us anything for the weekdays," said Scott McClellan, "and he was never here on weekends."

White House officials denied that they had issued credentials to Guckart because he was a Republican prostitute. "We credential escorts regardless of their party affiliation," Scott McClellan said. When pressed, McClellan admitted that, so far as he knew, none of the rest of the the White House press corps were "professionals."

McClellan said that the White House was not concerned about any security risks that might be associated with the admission of professional escorts to the White House. "When you take the necessary precautions, it's almost entirely safe," he said.

At least one prominent Democrat was not pleased with the so-called program. "I have a suggestion," said Congressman John Conyers. "Abstinence."

Update: TBogg connects the dots.

The manufacturers of Zoloft, a popular antidepressant, announced today that they would begin work on a pill that encapulates President Bush's mental disposition. "No matter how bad things are, this pill will make you believe everything is really great," said Betty Garland, a spokesman for Pfizer. "We think this pill will be a best seller."

Indeed, preliminary research indicates that the so-called "W is for Wonderful" pill will induce a state of blissful, ignorant euphoria among its users. The idea for the pill arose after polls showed that a whopping 77 per cent of the American people who watched Bush's State of the Union address felt that "all was right with the world" after hearing the speech. This same group of listeners felt that their most pressing concerns involved choosing a new upgrade for their riding mower and finding a dishwashing detergent that doesn't cause "unsightly spotting."

The pill will be marketed under the slogan, "Come on! Drink the Kool-Aid!'

Side effects of the pill include blindness, dizziness, addiction, deafness, hypocrititis, ovationoriasis -- an inability to refrain from giving a standing ovation to the most shallow homily --as well as ever-increasing debt and susceptibility to a military draft.

Powerful Lobbyists For Special Interests To Be Created Next Week

Iraqis hailed the Iraqi election this past weekend as a "good first step" step toward a representational democracy, but, with a mixture of sadness, hope, and courage, acknowledged that more needed to be done. "We have much to do before we can claim the kind of successful representative democracy that America has," said Fawad Ghreib, an Iraqi election official. "For one thing, in this election we barely had any three-hour-long waits."

Iraqis expressed disappointment that the election failed to produce a vote which could be settled by lawsuits. "I am afraid that the counting of ballots in all of Iraq is perfectly uniform," said a discouraged Hasseem Wasabi, a Baghdad resident. "Clearly we still have a very long ways to go."

Iraqis hope to have hackable electronic voting booths in sixty per cent of the country by the time of the next election, with unreliable optical scanners in most of the remaining precincts. "We must remember that American Democracy wasn't built in a day," said Wasabi.

Iraqi officials were also dismayed by the sixty per cent voter turnout. "That's certainly far too high," said Sam Jabouli, a poll watcher in Fallujah. "There are far too few disaffected citizens. But we are confident that as people see their government in action, we can halve that figure."

Iraqi officials were said to be troubled that so little money was required to campaign for a government position. "We will not be able to enact a good campaign finance reform bill unless we can build campaign finance abuses," said Jabouli. "We are working on it."

Plan To Take Over World Well Underway

Google announced today that, as part of its plan for world domination, it will include people's thoughts in search engines results starting on Monday.

The move is designed to further increase Google's hold on "everything anybody knows," and accelerate Google's drive to "hold sway over all puny earthlings," according to Google executive Maurice Finster, who laughed diabolically.

Google's plans include becoming the world's first corporate nation-state, literally ruling the world and "making Microsoft our complete bitch," Finster confided.

Starting next week, Google will enable users to find gossip, details of secret affairs, who's sleeping with whom, and how many people pick their noses while driving.

Finster declined to reveal precisely how Google was going to index brains, but mentioned that they involve "harvesting organs."

Silence Equals Consent, He Says

President Bush announced a groundswell of support for his Social Security reform plans among those no longer living. One of Bush's new supporters is the prominently deceased Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan, the President told reporters today. "So there's one Democrat's vote I know I can count on," Bush said.

While President Bush acknowledged that his plan might have somewhat weaker support among the living, he expected that "these people" would "sing another tune" if "they were to become unavailable for some reason."

The President also speculated that some people would give support to his plan after he told people exactly what it was, although he noted that Daniel Moynihan had not needed to wait for the details of his plan, "unlike some of these living folks."

President Bush declined to specify whether his plan involved the creation of "personal accounts," "private accounts," "investment accounts," or some kind of privatization, saying only that his plan involved allowing folks to do "take some of their stuff and do something with it."

Meanwhile, Republicans asked President Bush to a better job of selling his plan to those not yet dead.

In his inaugural address yesterday, President Bush declared that he would decrease the trade deficit by exporting American freedom and spreading it around the world.

"American freedom is the fire that will spread to all nations and, who knows, maybe they can make barbecue," he said.

Bush described a program of forcibly exporting "our special brand of American Freedom" all over the globe, and predicted that the export of American Freedom could entirely erase the trade deficit over the course of the next four years.

Michael Pecklestein, an expert in lamb pickling who was the only expert available as we went to press, said, "The biggest problem with Bush's vision is that value of American freedom is plummeting. As I speak it's only about .77 against the Euro." He also noted that the export of American freedom could result in a domestic shortage of the product.

Malmook O'Neill, a frequent commentator on game shows, applauded Bush's model of forcible exports, hoping that the Freedom program could be expanded to include the forcible export of other products overseas. "Hopefully we can get rid of those little troll dolls," he added, calling them "unspeakably ugly," and "a blight on the American playscape."

"We will bring freedom and peace to the rest of the world as quickly as we can," said Bush. "We are only limited by the number of soldiers and weapons available to us," he said.

Two months ago it was liberal satire. Now it's conservative self-caricature.

Bush Achieves Goal Of Having One Inaugural Ball For Every Campaign Contributor

The White House announced today that it had planned so many inauguration ceremonies, balls, and celebrations that the inauguration would likely take up to four years to complete, at a cost of over $200 billion dollars.

"We 're pleased to announce that every cent necessary has been raised privately from individuals who did very well with the tax cuts," said Scott McClellan. He also described the events as "significantly cheaper than the Iraq war."

The White House reacted quickly to suggestions by critics that the lavish festivities set the wrong tone for a nation embroiled in an expensive war that has claimed thousands of American lives. Officials noted that the celebration would be tempered with many solemn tributes to the troops, and only one peppy tribute to the exercise of unchecked power.

Indeed, banners hung atop inauguration ballrooms proclaimed the event to be "A Somber Celebration of War," although an angry Dick Cheney was reported to have said, "Damn it. It was supposed to say 'cerebration.'"

There is to be much quiet meditation on the war as attendees drink champagne, eat caviar, and do the Texas two-step to the sounds of America's greatest Republican musicians.

"I don't know what we're supposed to be so somber about," said invitee Bucky Trollop, CEO. "I thought the Iraq war was supposed to be this big old success."

"Voting Aphrodisiac" Brought Male Voters Into Bush's "Column," So To Speak

The idea of fostering homosexuality among the enemy figured in a declassified six-year, $7.5 million request from a laboratory at Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio for funding of non-lethal chemical weapon research.

The weapon, which was originally developed to induce enemy soldiers to drop their weapons and pick up the soldiers to their immediate left, was adapted for domestic use at a cost of "like, a gazillion dollars," said a Pentagon spokesperson.

The weapon was secretly sprayed on male swing voters to induce them to become deeply enamored of President Bush. The weapon's only side effect is that it causes a deep craving for showtunes, "which is good for the economy," said White House liason Paul Schneckner.

Brian McFadden was exposed to the weapon a week before the election. "That was when I decided the Iraq war was really virile," said Mcfadden. "I had been on the fence about our foreign policy, but it was then that I realized that the President is a truly appealing leader. And kind of buff."

Other men exposed to the drug described the President as "really fierce" after exposure.

"This secret weapon -- which was developed and used at great expense to the American taxpayer -- was used to hoodwink American voters" said Terry McAuliffe, DNC chairman. "But you have to admit that President Bush is really handsome. Has anyone seen my Judy Garland CD?"

Geraldo Rivera Possibly Not Paid Either, Rivera Claims

New documents subpoenaed by senators showed that the Department of Education and other government agencies have routinely paid almost every television personaliity, anchor, commentator, talk show host, and pundit to plug government programs at some point over the past four years. The entire staff of Fox News netted over a billion dollars in the past year, records show.

"Now we know where some of those misplaced Iraqi dollars went," said Senator Arlen Specter.

The White House denied any wrongdoing. "We have a duty to inform the public about government programs," said White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. "And Britt Hume, George Will, Sean Hannity, and Bill O'Reilly are part of the public." He explained that after the White House informed them and gave them a little money, they, in turn, informed the rest of the public.

The informal senate investigation began after it was revealed that Armstrong Williams, a talk show host and columnist, was paid $240,000 of taxpayer money to promote No Child Left Behind.

The only prominent television personalities who were not paid were Dan Rather and possibly Geraldo Rivera, "Dan Rather because we don't like him," explained a senior White House official, "and Geraldo because he's just a clown."

Critics of the program were quick to point out inadequacies in the White House "public information" program. "They should have informed the public about the government program to pay Britt Hume and others to plug government programs," said Indiana resident Jamie Fastow.

Washington Week In Revue

As the result of a bureaucratic slip-up, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was inadvertently included in the United States government delegation sent to comfort tsunami victims in Southeast Asia.

"Waves happen," Mr. Rumsfeld told survivors.

This and other stories here.

Presidential Medal Of Freedom Cannot Be Worn On Thursdays, Agrees Angry President

A review by the CIA of its pre-9/11 efforts blames George Tenet and a few others for "so ignoring the threat of terrorism" that they failed to prevent the World Trade Center attacks, and calls for Tenet to be severely punished for his shortcomings.

The administration today said that it had no choice but to follow the recommendation. "We are considering several avenues," said Sheila Wickner, a White House spokesperson. "The President will either give Tenet a stern finger-shaking or rub his nose in the Oval Office carpet."

Wickner said that the President was not considering taking the Presidential Medal of Freedom back from Tenet, because Tenet deserved the award for his public service. Wickner pointed out that the Medal had been awarded to golfer Arnold Palmer, among others, and that "Tenet himself is pretty amazing with a five-iron."

The CIA report blames Tenet for ignoring a Presidential Daily Briefing report ("PDB") entitled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike In The U.S.," saying that Tenet should have tried to impress upon the President that Bin Laden was planning to strike in the United States. Tenet personally briefed the President on the document on August 6, 2001.

"He should have shaken President Bush by the shoulders or something," said CIA analyst Herman Shrewville, one of those responsible for preparing the CIA critique. "Or maybe read the memo out loud with a Texas twang."

White House officials bragged that the administration's new budget, which is to show that President Bush can fulfill his campaign promise to cut the deficit in half by 2009, is a "masterpiece," and will become a best selling work of fiction shortly after its release. "People are really going to buy this," said a member of the White House Office of Management and Budget.

To make the case that President Bush can halve the deficit, White House officials are preparing a "masterful account" that leaves out huge amounts of spending and includes entirely ficticious income.

"This is a brilliant work of imagination and whimsy," said critic Janet Maslin, in a soon-to-be-published New York Times review.

White House officials are planning to exclude from the budget the cost of the Iraq war, Social Security, heating oil, travel and gasoline, paper, dry cleaning and payroll.

The release of the budget will be accompanied by a major advertising campaign with the tagline "If Only We Believe . . ." The White House also plans to spend 50 million dollars on "a small army" of hypnotists who will push the budget. "We can afford it," said a glazed-over John Snow, who rocked back and forth several times as he spoke. "Afforrrrrd itttt," he added.

Asked how the White House managed to come up with such an innovative and dazzling new work of fiction, OMB "imagineer" Carl Finch said, "Once you've decided to leave about 2 trillion dollars worth of Social Security privatization transition costs out of the budget, you have to ask yourself, why include expenditures at all?"

"The rest came naturally," he said.

Asks Americans To Cut Pell Grants, Withhold Money For Food, Cut Back on Foreign Aid

In a Christmas Day radio broadcast, President Bush urged Americans to adopt the spirit of giving that he had already embraced in previous months. In the past month or so, President Bush reminded Americans, he had set a fine example by cutting back on college grants, by cutting back on the World Food program, and by drastically reducing the richest nations contribution to other, needier countries.

President Bush said that withholding was spiritually sound. "The Bible tells us that God helps those who help themselves," said Bush. "So give the gift of not giving."

"It's Christmas," said Bush. "So tell someone who desperately needs help to go help themselves."

"Although," he added,, "if you do insist on giving, I've only got a paltry $40 million saved up so far for my inauguration. . ."

Update: Bush followed his own example recently by pledging the relatively tiny sum of $15 million to the tsunami relief effort in Asia. If you must be un-American and give more, Collective Sigh recommends Doctors Without Borders; Bohemian Mama recommends Mercycorps.org.

Iraqis Also Screwing Up Whole Democracy Thing, Says Bush

In a press conference yesterday, President Bush affirmed that Americans were beginning to believe things were going poorly in Iraq just because things were not going well.

"All of these reports of how poorly things are going in Iraq is having an effect on Americans considering the sitchiation there," Bush said. "They're beginning to think that things are going poorly. And when we think that things are going poorly just because things are going poorly, the insurgents are winning, because that's just what they want us to do," said Bush.

President Bush also said that newly-trained Iraqi forces were "making a mess" of the whole "democracy thing." "Whoever trained these people should be given a good talking to," said Bush. "Or a Presidential Medal of Freedom."

Bush conceded that bombs were having an impact on Iraq. "Because that's what bombs do," he said. "They have an impact and they make these little craters."

President Bush concluded the conference by cautioning Americans not to draw conclusions based upon observable facts or conditions, and instead urged Americans to believe whatever made them "most happiest."

"That's what I do," he said.

In "The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln," to be published next month by Free Press, Mr. C.A. Tripp, a psychologist, subjected almost every word ever written by and about Lincoln to minute analysis. His conclusion is that America's greatest president, the beacon of the Republican Party, was a gay man.

"It is high time that this entirely worthless currency be taken out of circulation," Bush said. He denied that Lincoln's alleged gayness had anything to do with his decision. "I don't believe that Lincoln was gay," said the President, "although I admit I no longer feel comfortable handling the penny."

The Republican-controlled Congress has drafted legislation that it intends to pass in an emergency session that will make it a Federal crime to refer to the Republican Party as the "party of Lincoln."

At the White House, an environmental SWAT team dressed in special "clean suits" was seen cordoning off the Lincoln bedroom and bringing in special equipment to perform what White House officials called "a routine sanitization and disinfection" of the area.

Dennis Hastert, Republican representative from Illinois, was worried. "That's not what they mean by 'the Land of Lincoln.'"

Conservatives called for the Lincoln Memorial to be immediately removed to Greenwich Village in New York City.

Senator Frist agreed with the President's decision to withdraw the penny. "This news about Lincoln really brings new meaning to the phrase 'heads or tails.'"

The Pentagon said today that it was considering expanding the disinformation program it has employed so successfully in the United States to include Europe, Russia, the Arab States, China, and the arctic poles.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld pooh-poohed any suggestion that expanding the program risked squandering America's credibility abroad. "Disinformation appears to have served us well here in the United States," said Rumsfeld, who added that "everything in Iraq is going just we had hoped and planned," and that he expected the January 30 elections to go forward "without a hitch."

The Pentagon's Department of Misinformation -- also known as the "Ministry of Truth" -- is considering planting false stories in foreign newspapers, creating misleading websites, and sending out fake e-mails "in much the same way we do here in the U.S.," said a Pentagon spokesperson.

Rumsfeld was cautiously optimistic about the program's expansion. "You can't do everything," said Rumsfeld. "In the near future, there will probably still be small pockets where reliable information may be obtainable. But we're confident that in ten or twelve years we can fix that."

Rumsfeld denied that the disinformation program had already been in full swing for several years. "Oh, no," he said. "Believe me."

The nanny Mr. Kerik had employed, who has not yet been identified, left the country about two weeks ago, just prior to the announcement of his nomination, a former New York City official said on Saturday, adding that her departure had been planned for at least two months.

"I got into this business when I was brought in to solve the Kimba Wood problem years ago," said Marjorie Bumpers, who has gone under the nom de nomination of Juanita Rosario Evita Gasparza, usually posing as an illegal immigrant from El Salvador. In the case of Linda Chavez, she took the name of Magda Vostka, an Armenian refugee. Bumpers is a Canadian accountant.

Bumpers denied that she had left Kerik because she had found working for him distasteful. "Taking care of Bernard Kerik's children and spending time in the Kerik household -- however odious these tasks might have been -- was a small price to pay for the pleasure of knowing that I have helped to make America more secure," said Bumpers. "It's time for me to move on."

Bumpers declined to reveal other public figures that employed her because "they may wish to keep their future nominations in play."

She did say, however, that she had worked illegally for Clarence Thomas, and was surprised that she was not used to withdraw his nomination, but noted that "people sometimes exercise poor judgment."

She vowed to return to public service in the future. "I have every expectation that I will be able to assist administrations with horrifically bad nominees in years to come," Bumpers said.

Two recent CIA reports depicting the future of Iraq as exceptionally shaky were the result of too much CIA/FBI electronic eavesdropping on liberal groups in the United States, White House officials charged today.

"We're greatly concerned about what we see as an overdose of reality-based perceptions in these reports," said Dick Cheney.

The two agents who gave the reports -- an Iraq station chief and a senior agent who had made a recent visit to Iraq -- have been placed in a safe house for observation and quarantine, sources revealed. "We think we may have contained the outbreak," said Dr. Ivan van Fromderwear.

The two pessimistic reports were authored after "listening carefully to liberal chatter," an agency spokesperson may or may not have confirmed today, but he denied that that reality had contaminated agents' perceptions.

"CIA Director Goss has made it quite clear that reality has no place in any report used to determine policy in this administration," he said.

President Bush entered the fray surrounding criticism of U.N. Chief Kofi Annan today, saying that he was not as concerned about problems with the oil-for-food program as he was with the U.N.'s inability to promote international peace.

"Kofi Annan failed to stop war from breaking out in Iraq, I can tell you that," said Bush. "That's a poor excuse for a leader of an organization calls itself a vehicle for world peace."

"In Texas, when we have a steer that's not breeding we masculate him," the President told White House reporters. "And Kofi Annan isn't breeding, if you know what I mean.. ."

Former U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. John Negroponte agreed with President Bush. "Kofi Annan knew the inspections were working in Iraq-- yet he utterly failed in his mission to stop the President from just riding roughshod over him. It's time for him to go."

"I hope the next U.N. leader will at least be able to stop me from nuking Iran," said President Bush.

President Bush said Thursday that Iraqi elections should proceed on January 30 as scheduled, even if the security situation in Iraq is so poor that only one person makes it to the polls.

"It's time for Iraqi citizens to go to the polls," Bush told reporters in the Oval Office. "We can't concern ourselves with whether they can actually make it there."

Bush disagreed with the dozens of Iraqi political parties calling for the elections to be delayed. "If even one person votes, that will be a great victory for democracy," said Bush.

Election expert Cody Sudapod of the Hackings Institute agreed with the president. "If even one vote can be cast and accurately counted, the Iraqis will be this much closer to having elections just like we have in America, where we accurately count an undetermined amount of votes more than that."

President Bush, trying to protect Social Security benefits in the wake of the record $ 7.5 trillion dollar deficit incurred during his administration, promised to borrow "at least a couple billion more" to fix things.

"We're going to borrow more money than a body can possibly imagine," said Bush. "We're gonna take that enormous wad of cash and plug it right into what cynical people are calling 'that gaping whole in the budget.' And that'll save Social Security."

"It may not seem like the right thing to do in the short term, but in the long term, rich people will be thanking me for it," he added.

John Snow, the Secretary of the Treasury, explained the plan, saying, "Sometimes you have to borrow money to make money. It's Keynesian."

President Bush brushed off claims that he was more interested in destroying Social Security than saving it. "Son," he winked. "Around here we use the word 'reform.'"

Propose Constitutional Amendment Against "Thanksgiving Gay Parades"

A gay Spongebob eyes a new candidate for unnatural marriage.

"Only in New York," said Senator Rick Santorum, who alleged that, since the addition of Spongebob to the parade, he had seen Sesame Street's Grover balloon in unnaturally close proximity to Scooby-Doo's tail.

The allegation that Spongebob Squarepants, a cartoon character who appears on the Nickelodeon TV Network, is homosexual, caused a great deal of controversy among fans. "Spongebob is not gay," said Anita Physic, a viewer from Oklahoma. "He's just a kid, really."

Republicans scoffed at the assertion. "Oh, please," said Santorum. "It's obvious. He lives in a pineapple under the sea."

Pledges To Work Harder To Push Agenda He Pulls

President Bush pledged today that he would "take a running start" at crafting an intelligence bill that he will later totally shitcan.

"I am very disappointed that I stopped the intelligence bill from making its way of out committee and I vow to work harder to see that that bill goes farther before I once again make sure that it never becomes law," Bush said, returning to his ranch in Crawford,Texas. Bush said he was planning on clearing the brush in an area that he had grown brush on last week.

The intelligence bill was to enact 9/11 Intelligence Commission recommendations for intelligence reform that Bush had at first decried and then embraced. Bush had earlier opposed the creation of the Commission before calling for its immediate assembly. He then completely stonewalled its investigation until fully cooperating with it.

Bush denied today that he had blocked the intelligence bill on Friday.

"I didn't block it," said Bush. "I asked ranking House leaders to pass it while making absolutely sure that they knew that I didn't want it to be passed," he said. "That's totally different."

Natural Extension Of Plame Doctrine, Says Gonzalez

Liberal and openly democratic CIA operatives and analysts are to be designated enemy combatants today and immediately shipped to a detention center in Guantanamo, Cuba, pursuant to orders from the White House that were vetted and approved by counsel Alberto Gonzalez.

"It's a natural extension of what we're now calling the 'Plame doctrine,'" said Gonzales. "We're not just outing them -- we're taking them out."

Gonzalez said that summarily interning liberal and allegedly disloyal employees was not a denial of due process under the Constitution. "Sometimes, when you've got a mandate, the Constitution just doesn't apply," Gonzalez said.

CIA Director Porter Goss, the recently installed former House representative that politicians and media had hailed as a bipartisan Republican willing to work with Democrats, approved the purge. "Although I have worked closely with Democrats in the past," he said, "I've decided that I would rather imprison and interrogate them."

Once in Guantanamo, former CIA operatives are expected to be placed in government-approved "stress positions."

"I'm not sure how this is going to be much different than my CIA job," said liberal intelligence analyst Jocelyn Wexler. "Attempting to provide unbiased intelligence analysis to this administration was already the ultimate stress position."

Insurgents Allowed To Leave On Condition That Remaining City Be Bombed To Rubble

In retaliation for insurgents' occupation of Fallujah, U.S. have negotiated the complete escape of all insurgent leaders from the city, in exchange for which U.S and Iraqi forces are to be allowed to bomb the remaining city to rubble. Insurgents also agreed to leave behind a token force of insurgents that U.S. forces can kill, capture, injure, and hound. U.S. representatives declined to reveal the number of civilian casualties that insurgents and U.S. forces agreed upon.

"This is a great victory for U.S diplomacy," said Donald Rumsfeld. "We have a negotiated a complete begin-to-fire with the rebels."

The United States also engaged in successful negotiations with Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi regarding the name of the fairly useless exercise in beating the hell of a relatively undefended town. Initially, U.S. forces wanted to call the mission "Operation Phantom Fury," while Iraqis wished to call it "Operation Dawn." Eventually the U.S. agreed to call the mission "Operation Phantom Fury," in exchange for which the Iraqi government could tell Iraqis that, translated into Arabic, that means "Operation Dawn."

The White House claimed yesterday that President Bush had won a mandate in the election on Tuesday. "Our overwhelming support by only half of a bitterly divided nation means that we have been given a fiat to implement the agenda a record number of voters disagreed with," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

McClellan acknowledged that in the 2000 election, the Bush administration had not recieved a mandate. "That's why the agenda we pursued in the past four years was so mild," he said.

McCelllan explained that in the next four years, the President was considering implementing policies that he would never have dreamed of pursuing a month ago. "For one thing, we're toying with making people in blue states carry red state people around in rickshaws," he said.

Additionally, because the "will of the people" requires it, members of the White House Press Gallery will heretofore be required to recite an oath of fealty to George W. Bush before entering the briefing room, and there will be no more questions from reporters. "Questions are for administrations that have to answer them," he said.

"This is the way democracy works," said McClellan. "Having a 3 percent edge over the almost 56 million voters who disagree with our policies means that we can do whatever we like.

"Democracy means never having to say you're sorry."

Low Turnout Among Youth Vote Means They're "Busted," Democrats Say

In light of the poor showing of the critically important 18 to 29 year old group at the polls yesterday, Democrats and John Kerry was calling for America's youth to be "totally grounded."

I'm not blaming them for my loss," said Kerry. "But I am taking away their car keys."

Experts were at a loss to explain why young voters stayed away from the polls, although they speculated that the cause may have been a backlash from a flood of celebrity get-out-the-vote drives.

"This may definitively show," said Erstwhile Holmes, celebrity biographer, "that P. Diddy is not, actually, 'all that.'"

Others blamed the Xbox and the Playstation 2, which pollsters say 18-29 year olds widely favor over John Kerry and George W. Bush.

Update: I was reacting to initial reports that the same number of 18-29 year olds voted, as a percentage of the electorate (%17), as in the the 2000 election. But, as alert reader Sulayman notes in the comments, this initial report was wrong: there was a sizable increase in the number of voters in this bracket from the year 2000. So, in the words of Emily Litella: never mind.

Bush Soft On Unnecessary Planetary Exploration, Voters Find

Opinions You Should Have is pleased to announce that the body of this story is featured on the Op-Ed page of the New York Times here.

President Bush has been utterly unable to distance himself from what critics call "George W. Bush's presidency," enabling opponent John Kerry to blame virtually all four years of it on him, a crucial mistake in a critically important campaign season.

"If Bush had been able to depict the past four years of his presidency as belonging to someone else, it would have dramatically improved his chances for re-election," said Harry Schmetterer, checkers-player-turned-pundit. "Because he did not, the war on Iraq, the record on the environment, the economy, all of that can be laid to rest at George W. Bush's feet."

In this last week, Karl Rove had intended to reveal his "October Surprise" -- an allegation that someone else, probably Bill Clinton, had actually been President during the past four years. Unfortunately, allegations concerning the theft of 380 tons of powerful explosives from Iraq by terrorists distracted the Bush campaign from pursuing that strategem.

In other news, Bush aides feared that the wolves unveiled in a recent anti-Kerry campaign spot did not sufficiently "frighten the living bejesus" out of voters.

The Bush Administration announced today that it had been stockpiling a toxic substance to fight the news that 380 tons of deadly HMX or RDX explosives had been stolen from a suspected WMD weapons dump sometime after the U.S invasion of Iraq.

"We have over 500 tons of prime, U.S. Government-manufactured weapons-grade BS that we are going to throw at this problem," said Scott McClellan, who has been adding to the U.S. store of BS since he assumed the position of Press Secretary in 2003.

McClellan also said that he was saddened that the U.S. had to rely on its stockpile of BS due to the failure of the Iraqi Interim Government to adequately safeguard the HMX; that the BS that the United States had on hand was enough to ensure that the HMX had not been at the depot when the U.S. took charge of the facility; enabled the U.S. to know not to guard the facility early on in the Iraq war; and convinced him that the U.S. properly decided to guard Iraqi oil fields before they guarded -- or even searched for -- any alleged HMX, if any ever existed.

"See," said McCelllan. "Even a little bit of good BS goes a long way."

A dispute between George W. Bush and Pat Robertson about apparently conflicting messages each of them claimed to have received from God has highlighted what God sees as a major communications problem with some mortals on Earth.

God had apparently intended to warn Bush about heavy casualties in Iraq, but the message was received by Pat Robertson instead, spokesangels revealed today. "It's very, very hard to get through to Bush," one heavenly spokesangel said. "He's extremely insulated."

Although Bush claimed that he had received a message from God about a lack of casualties, a senior archangel who preferred to remain anonymous said that he was unaware of any such message. An investigation by "higher-ups" concerning that alleged message is underway.

"We don't know what Bush heard," said the Archangel. "Sometimes people hear what they want to hear."

The White House today said that they had discovered a new tape purporting to contain a message from Osama bin Laden endorsing John Kerry. On the tape, which has not been made available to reporters, bin Laden says, "I urge all infidels to immediately vote for John Kerry." The CIA said that the message appeared to be authentic, citing the ending of the tape, in which the speaker closes with, "My name is Osama bin Laden, and I approved this message."

"This is precisely what I have been saying all along," said a triumphant Dick Cheney during an interview in his office. "The terrorists want John Kerry to win." Cheney offered no explanation for the presence of a reel-to-reel tape recorder on his desk, except to say that he had just been "catching up on some old Nixon reels."

Update: Apparently the GOP reads this site; they released the tape just 6 days after I wrote this post.

In a recently filed lawsuit, a Fox News producer, Andrea Mackris, alleged that O'Reilly had sexually harassed her, and described a September phone call in which O'Reilly expressed the desire to "do things with loofahs to her."

Today, Judy Looce, an ex-girlfriend of Bill O'Reilly, reported that she was astonished that Mr. O'Reilly was still using loofahs in his sex fantasies. Looce, a forensic microphone technician, said that she had ended a sexual relationship with O'Reilly in January as a result of what she called "loofah abuse."

"I don't know why he has such a thing for loofahs, but they don't feel good. I don't know why he can't give them up,' she said. "Maybe it's because he's abrasive, too."

Whether threatening a female employee with a loofah massage constitutes sexual harassment is an unsettled question in New York State, where the suit was filed. "But there are some Hawaii divorce cases dealing with loofahs that are definitely helpful to us," a lawyer for Mackris said.

Looce, who is slightly deaf in her left ear, said that early conversations in her relationship with O'Reilly confused her, because she thought he was fantasizing about rubbing her body with "Oompa Loompas."

"I'm sorry I was wrong," she later said. "They might have felt better."

One Justice Undecided

A recent Gallup/CNN/Newsweek/Time/New York Times/Washington Post/Zogby/Rasmussen Poll of Supreme Court Justices showed that the Presidential race is tied, with 40% of Supreme Court Justices committed to Bush, and 40% for Kerry. 20% of the Court is still undecided. The poll was based on a sample of four people.

The campaigns of both candidates have built to a fever pitch as the field of uncommitted Justices has winnowed to one. Kerry and Bush will be flying from Ohio and New Jersey, respectively, to spend the last days of their campaigns at the Supreme Court. Dick Cheney has been warning Justices about the danger of nuclear armageddon from his post on the couch in Scalia's chambers.

Sandra Day O'Connor has said that she has not decided who she will vote for when the Supreme Court decides the election some time after November 2. (Justice Kennedy has also said that he is undecided, but nobody believes him.) Both campaigns have designated O'Connor's chambers as a "swing vote state."

There is some concern that several members of the Court may not vote at all, but members of the Woman's League of Voters are mounting a Get Out the Vote Drive which is directed, principally, at Justice Thomas.

"This election will turn entirely upon turnout," said Owen Ferlinghetti, a race-car-driver-turned-pundit. "If the Democrats can block Rehnquist's driveway, they have a very good chance of winning this thing."

Secretary of Health and Human Resources Tommy Thompson said today that the flu vaccine shortage was actually a "blessing in disguise" that will solve any problem with Social Security funding in the future.

"John Kerry is complaining that Bush hasn't protected the Social Security trust fund for our children," said Thompson, "And now we're pretty sure that the trust fund will always be around."

Thompson said that the flu vaccine shortage thus demonstrated the kind of "careful, long-range planning" that the Bush Administration brings to bear on difficult problems. "One or two more vaccine shortages, and we'll be able to put away that so-called lockbox," Thompson boasted.

Thompson was ordered to make a statement about the vaccine shortage by Karl Rove, who called to remind him that "sick people vote, too."

"Not if they can't make it to the polls," said Thompson.

Update: Norbizness has turned the whole thing into a vaccine headline flu-fest. Go on over here and submit your own headline (and feel free to add it in my comments, too.)

Predicts Votes Likely To Be or Not To Be

The Gallup Organization, responding to charges that it greatly over-sampled Republicans in calculating Bush's and Kerry's support among likely voters in its latest poll, said that it did so in order to take into account the massive voter fraud which is expected to take place between now and election day.

According to Gallup, among registered voters, Bush leads 46%-43 %, a virtual tie within the margin of error. Among Gallup's likely voters -- by which they mean, "voters whose votes are likely to be counted" -- Bush will win easily, 52%-44%.

"We're quite surprised that other polling organizations have failed to artificially jack up the Republican sample in the likely voter mix given the track record of Sproul and Associates and their ilk," said Jack Gallup. "Why aren't other pollsters counting the soon-to-be uncounted?"

Gallup was referring to the GOP-funded group that destroyed thousands of Democrats' voter registrations in Nevada and Oregon recently.

"We try to keep track of voter fraud so that we can calculate for it in our polls, but after Nevada, Oregon, New England, South Dakota and Ohio, and Florida, it's hard to keep up," said Lynn Gallup. "We're thinking of just sampling Republicans. It would make our lives a lot easier."

"We expect thousands upon tens of thousands of democratic voters to be methodically disenfrachised --and that's just in Texas. In the swing states, we expect democratic voters to be -- well, rounded up and taken to Texas."

Bush Really Pulled Through For Me, Man Says

Here's what Bush said [at Wednesday's debate] in response to a question about what he'd say to a person who had lost his job to someone overseas:

BUSH: I'd say, Bob, I've got policies to continue to grow our economy and create the jobs of the 21st century. And here's some help for you to go get an education. Here's some help for you to go to a community college.

We've expanded trade adjustment assistance. We want to help pay for you to gain the skills necessary to fill the jobs of the 21st century.

Hotcakes, the recipient of two doctorates in engineering, was laid off when the manufacturing plant at which he had been employed since 1975 went out of business in 2002.

Hotcakes has spent the past two years looking for a job in his field, without success. "But I'm pretty sure, with a degree from this community college, doors will just open for me," Walter said.

The two-year program at Owens will cost Hotcakes $2660.

"I'm trying to make it all work," said Hotcakes, who is looking forward to finding a job that will restore his lost pension, lost health insurance and, perhaps most importantly, his dignity. "These 21st century jobs are exciting. I don't know whether to train to be a policeman, a fireman, or a child care service provider. They even have a program that could help me get a job at Ed Schmidt Pontiac/GMC or Tom's Tire Barn."

Hotcakes was optimistic. "George W. Bush averaged a C- in college, and he did okay," he said. "Then again, he specialized in an area where there's no outsourcing: being a son of the privileged few."

Undecided voters were frustrated today at what they called the "arbitrary deadline" imposed by Election Day and wondered who had decided they had to make up their minds so soon.

"It wasn't an undecided voter who decided that, that's for sure," said Diana Annoid, an undecided voter from Arkansas.

"The decision between the two candidates isn't easy," said Annoid, "Even though the candidates have very different positions on many different issues, I still have to decide which issues are important to me."

Annoid said that the most important issue for her might be the amount of time that she had to decide who to vote for.

Other 18% Of Electorate Still Watching Reruns Of Seinfeld

Gerty Wilkins of Compost, Indiana, watched the debate tonight and decided that she would vote for John Kerry because he was "so funny" when he spoke about his wife.

Kerry said that he and Bob Shieffer and George Bush had "married up," but that he had maybe "married up" more than they had in marrying Mrs. Heinz, eliciting much laughter from the debate audience.

Captivated By Rene Russo And John Malkovich, He Says

Bob Flob, an undecided voter in Ohio, missed most of tonight's debate when his channel accidentally landed on TNT and he got "totally sucked in" to Clint Eastwood's film "In The Line Of Fire."

"I was turning on the debate, but when I saw a minute of what I consider to be one of Mr. Eastwood's most underappreciated performances, I found it difficult to turn away," Flob said.

Flob said that he was truly undecided about who to vote for on November 2. "I really feel I haven't heard enough from the candidates about where they stand," Flob said.

"I am certain, however, that Eastwood's use of blues in the movie gave a three-dimensionality to this character that other actors would not have been able to evoke," Flob added.

Cartoon Network announced today it will preempt all regular broadcasting the week before the national election to show a documentary called "George W. Bush: Big Ass Junkie." Cartoon Network says that the movie is "news" and as well sourced as any piece of modern journalism "or anything written by Judith Miller."

Cartoon Network said that, given the current state of political discourse in the country, covering the election fit right in with its other programming. The George W. Bush documentary will follow "Ed, Edd and Eddy," a cartoon about an idiot, a schemer, and a disaffected genius who hang out in their neighborhood looking for pennies.

Cartoon Network said that their decision to broadcast the film had nothing to do with Sinclair Broadcasting's decision to preempt all programming on its 62 stations to show anti-Kerry "documentaries" featuring the Swift Boat "gentlemen" and other "sources."

"But we are tired of Sinclair Broadcasting trying to hone in on the small minds market," admitted Cartoon Network executive Roy Pierce.

A Voter: President Bush, during the last four years, you have made thousands of decisions that have affected millions of lives. Please give three instances in which you came to realize you had made a wrong decision, and what you did to correct it. Thank you.

They think I can't name any mistakes that I made. Well, I didn't make any mistakes. But wait:

See, they think I won't admit any mistakes and I thought of six. But that doesn't mean I have to say 'em out loud . . .

President Bush: I made some mistakes in appointing people, but I'm not going to name them. I don't want to hurt their feelings on national TV.

Only Fair, Say Commissioners

The Federal Election Commission has ordered John F. Kerry to inadvertently direct viewers to a pro-George W. Bush website during Friday's town hall debate. On Tuesday, during the Vice-Presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards, Cheney mistakenly directed viewers to a site that urged visitors not to vote for President Bush, GeorgeSoros.com.

In order to promote balance, commissioners said that "it was only fair" to require John Kerry to address what they called the "fundamental inequity" of allowing Vice President Cheney to advertise pro-Kerry sites during the debate.

Members of the Federal Communications Commission were working with the FEC on the matter. "We have to safeguard the airways, and the airwaves belong to the people," said a comissioner. "Us people."

Initially the Commissioners were unsure of which appropriately pro-Bush site they were going to require Kerry to mention, but by late this afternoon, they had settled on one.

RalphNader.com.

Thanks to the shadowy and mysterious FleeingToTheGreyHavens (nom de web) for the headline and idea.

A recent New York Times/CBS News poll revealed that Americans were forming a more positive image of John Kerry, but were offput by the impression that he was "campaigning for something."

"He seems to know a lot about all kinds of things, and he's obviously very smart," said Eddie Gallico, a commodities broker. "But he seems to running for some office somewhere."

"I like Kerry," said Nancy Glub, a Nevada rocket scientist. "But I feel all this pressure when he speaks, as if he wants me to do something for him in the next thirty days. What's up with that?"

The poll showed that Americans were chagrined by what they called "Kerry's behavior," which they said consisted of traveling all over the country, making tons of speeches, and "hogging nightly news."

Pollster Brian Falsch praised the poll. "It's very important to get inside the minds of American voters." he said. "Although I should warn you, it's more important to be able to find your way back out."

Experts See Increased Magma Activity, Gas Emissions

Scientists monitoring Washington's Mount St. Helens said today that there is a significant likelihood that George W. Bush will erupt at the next Presidential debate.

"All the signs are there," said Senior Vulcanologist Dr. Chezzlewit Glugner.

Although Bush has lain dormant for much of the past three years, scientists have taken note of some increased activity recently, including much rumbling which followed the last debate. Scientists monitoring Bush have also detected the "rotten egg smell" caused by certain gases emitted from his person, a sign which often precedes an eruption.

"There is definite cause for concern," Glugner said. A Bush eruption is likely to thump bibles all over the county, experts warn.

The reaction among political junkies has been varied. Panic-stricken members of the Washington University Young Republicans' Club were seen running around yelling, "Watch out! He's gonna blow!" Others have travelled great distances to camp out with beach chairs, telescopes, and cameras outside the St. Louis, Missouri hall where the next debate is to be held.

"I'm really looking forward to it," said Audie Madison, a local chiropractor. "I haven't seen a bimbo eruption in years."

Thanks to the always great skippy the bush kangaroo for supplying the idea. Everyone should go visit Skippy right now!

In the spin room just outside the debate last night, Karl Rove and other "spinmeisters" spun so furiously that the room tilted off its axis and spun into space, wounding twelve members of the debate audience and stranding pundits and partisan hacks in outer space.

The "spin room" is where partisans associated with each campaign tell the press how spectacularly their man "won" the debate, Republicans saying that Bush hardly gibbered at all, Democrats crowing that John Kerry finished every one of his sentences in less than the two minutes alloted for answers.

The trouble started when Karen Hughes told Wolf Blitzer that John Kerry had turned his credibility gap into a "credibility chasm," and bragged that President Bush had shown that Iraq was "well on its way to freedom."

After Ralph Reed assured Tom Brokaw that the President had intentionally used the phrase "mexed missage" to make a rhetorical point, the room began spinning so furiously that centrifugal force pinioned CNN's Judy Wooduff and several small-time politicians to the east wall of the room.

Shortly thereafter, when Karl Rove told Dan Rather that the President had never been flustered or angry during the debate, but "composed, passionate and hardly orange," the room spun off into space.

The government is organizing a shuttle mission to effect a rescue.

John Phelps, a medical technician from Wyoming, thought a rescue mission was a bad idea. "Leave'em all up there," he said. "They're always in orbit around some body or other, saying stuff that's from outer space. Let's rescue them when they come down to earth."

Today, following the endorsement of John Kerry by the Crawford, Texas newspaper, President Bush signed executive orders designating Crawford a "shitty little town," and cutting off all federal funding for the municipality.

"After all the goddamn brush I cleared for those people," said Bush, brandishing his pen.

Secret service agents swarmed Crawford today in what the White House claimed was a "security sweep" to "keep the town safe for the President's ranch to be in," after which every copy of the Lone Star Iconoclast mysteriously disappeared.

Karl Rove, when questioned about the endorsement, said that he had not heard of any such action, and added, "I'm not sure that paper was published today."

Tonight Dick Cheney remarked to Scooter Libby, his chief of staff, "Crawford is such a nice little town. Be a shame if anything happened to it."

Replaced By "Must-See TV"

Three years after the Sept. 11 attacks, more than 120,000 hours of potentially valuable terrorism-related recordings have not yet been translated by linguists at the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and computer problems may have led the bureau to systematically erase some Qaeda recordings, according to a declassified summary of a Justice Department investigation that was released on Monday.

The FBI has over 120,000 hours of yet-to-be-translated terrorist communications, and not enough hard drive space -- that is, computer memory storage devices -- on which to keep them.

"Which you can understand," said Rapsutin Gelertner, an FBI snitch turned spokesman. "I mean, 300 gigabytes of hard drive space costs almost $300. Where is the FBI going to get that kind of money?"

To make up for the lack of storage space, agents have been saving al Queda conversations to any device that will hold them, including the agency TiVo.

Overhauling the government's translation and storage capabilities has been a top priority for the Bush administration in its campaign against terrorism. "It's a good thing, too," said Gelertner. "Imagine if we weren't trying."

"More needs to be done, and a lot less of what we're not doing now," said FBI Director Robert S. Mueller II, also known as Special Agent in charge of Lollygagging. "We've only had three years to work on or acknowledge this problem," he said. "We just now finished a committee report on it. We're waiting for that to be typed, but we're out of paper."

Mysterious Orb Reportly Leaping and Hopping

In a press conference hastily called early this morning, John Ashcroft announced that, ever since he diverted Cat Stevens's flight and sent him back to England, he has been followed by a "moonshadow."

"I have long since suspected that Cat Stevens had occult powers," said Ashcroft. "But now I know."

Ashcroft described Stevens -- also known as Yusef Islam -- as satanic. "If you play his records frontwards, they say 'Peace Train,'" said Ashcroft, shuddering.

Ashcroft and Tom Ridge have been hard pressed to justify their actions. "I am not jealous of Mr. Stevens' musical success," said Ashcroft. "Although I am bitter that Columbia Records passed on 'Let The Eagle Soar.'"

Tom Ridge said today that Stevens was on the no-fly list because recent intelligence indicates he likes Hamas.

Cat Stevens shook his head. "That's hummus."

JACKSONVILLE, Fl. - Millions of chads are being shipped to Florida this week to be distributed throughout the state in anticipation of a possible recount.

"We're training volunteers to scatter chads all over Florida," said Griselda Tripp, an RNC operative. "The chad is no longer native to the area, so we have to import them," said Tripp.

Scads of chads.

Hundreds of eager young GOP interns are hanging, dimpling, and impregnating chads in preparation or their dispersal throughout select Florida counties.

"It's exciting work," said one intern, Hank Van Predicate III. "It's a thrill to be this closely involved in the democratic process.

Republican lawyers are preparing to stop recounts in Democratic-leaning counties, readying arguments that optically scanned ballots and electronic voting machines "are notoriously unreliable in recount situations where chads are even mentioned, let alone present."

The DNC and the Kerry campaign are striking back, however, enlisting their own "Chad Capture Squad" armed with rakes, shovels, and "implements of chad destruction."

"Nobody's going to steal this election," said Governor Jeb Bush about GOP efforts. "We're just going to tweak it a little bit."

Urgent Need For Action, He Says

President Bush today decried the current situation in Iraq, and asked the U.N. to use military force to establish some "tiny seed of equlibrium" from which "freedom may sprout."

"The situation in Iraq is unacceptable," said Bush. "Every day brings another pipeline explosion, more Americans kidnapped, countless innocent Iraqis killed. Clearly something must be done."

President Bush laid out a plan to mobilize a huge number of U.N. troops to invade and stablize Iraq. "Only an incredibly massive force can bring peace and stability to the area," he said. "Believe me, I know."

Bush said that he was well aware that he was asking every member-nation to make enormous sacrifices, but "you don't stint on force when you're trying to achieve world piece."

"Emphasis on you," he added.

Bush called for immediate action and left the phone number of a restaurant at which he could be reached later, "but only if you really need me," he said.

"Never let it be said that the United Nations shirked its duty or came up short in the fight for democracy and freedom," Bush urged after confirming his reservations by cell phone.

Professor Herbert Schmeckman, an expert on Foreign Policy and International Studies agreed with Bush's analysis of the need for intervention. "Somebody has to do something fast," he said. "And it's pretty clear that it's not going be us."

Forged But True or Genuine And False?

The latest Gallup poll, indicating double digit leads for Bush in the race for President, appears to have been typed on the same IBM selectric typewriter on which the Killian memos were alleged to have been created.

"These latest polls, unlike the Killian memos, appear to be authentic, but written more than thirty years ago," said scientist Larry Frijole, "The mystery is how someone managed to accurately predict today's national polling trends all the way back in 1972."

Historian Jill Swill said, "It is indeed puzzling. How could anyone, living in 1972 -- when the nation was embroiled in a terrible quagmire of a war involving ever-escalating casualties, and the President himself was trying to unfairly manipulate a national election -- ever imagine the circumstances we find ourselves in today?"

Several Muscles Pulled

Two days ago, thousands upon thousands of Florida residents waded into the waters just off their West coast, grabbed hold of the coastline, and pushed as hard as they could, succesfully moving Florida hundreds of miles to the right and moving it largely out of Hurricane Ivan's path.

Governor Jeb Bush claimed responsiblity for the effort. "Our state can't handle any more devastation," he said. "Plus, I'll do anything I can to move Florida to the right."

Yesterday, in an effort to push Florida further to the right, Florida Secretary of State Glenda Hood -- also known as "Kathryn Harris: The Sequel" and "Robbin' Hood" -- added Ralph Nader to campaign ballots despite a state judge's ruling that Nader could not be on them.

A federal judge declined to overrule the state court, saying that there was plenty of time for that after the election.

A plan to make the presidential battleground of Missouri the first state to allow military voters serving in combat zones such as Iraq to cast their absentee ballots via e-mail is renewing concerns about the security of online voting.

"Our email was perfectly secure," said Mary Jo Splunkett, a Missouri elections official. "There is every indication that these fine pharmaceutical products enjoy tremendous support among Missouri residents serving overseas."

A final tally of presidential balloting in Missouri showed that Online-poker.hold'um.com ran a close second, followed by cheapdrugz.org.

The number of emails received from overseas soldiers vastly outnumbered the number of ballots cast by other Missouri residents. Of the 3.4 million votes cast, over 2.7 million were supposedly cast by Missourians stationed in combat zones or special duty stations overseas, even though Missourians are thought to have no more than 100,000 residents serving in such positions.

"I think it goes to show that when you make voting convenient, more people participate," said Pierre Glup, an expert on voting trends, "Even if it's more than are actually out there."

"I admit I don't know much about Viagra's platform or its positions on domestic or foreign policy," said Jordy Blutt, a St. Louis resident. "But I can't imagine it'd be much worse than any of the other guys."

Nation Could Get Hickies, Cooties, Too

In a speech to the national Association Of Wealthy CEO's today, Dick Cheney warned that if John Kerry were elected, everyone would get painful, itching hemorrhoids, and "a lot of other bad things."

"You would all regret it,' said Cheney. "This country would have a hard time sitting down."

Cheney also warned of boils, plagues, frogs, hail, and terrifically unwatchable reality shows. "If you thought that 'Amish In The City' thing was bad, be very afraid ," he advised. "Safeguard your children."

Earlier this week, Cheney had said that if Americans chose Kerry, the nation would suffer a devestating terrorist attack, but Ann Womack, a spokeswoman for Mr. Cheney, backed away from that statement, saying that Cheney was merely trying to highlight policy differences between the candidates. "He's serious about the hemorrhoids, though," she said.

Cheney also said that, as a hedge against the Kerry's election, he has cornered the market on comfortable seat cushions.

Update: Sanity Defense has another take on Cheney's warning.

Also Willing To Go On "The Swan"

Today, shortly after Bill Clinton, fresh from surgery, started breathing on his own, John Kerry willingly went on Clinton's discarded respirator in hopes of "resuscitating his campaign."

Doctors agreed, saying that Kerry's breathing was shallow, his pulse was weak, his skin was pale and clammy, and his campaign didn't look so hot either.

"With adequate therapy, we have some hope that we can get the candidate breathing on his own and passionately gesticulating in the near future," said Dr. Lila Phippsman, an attending surgeon specializing in revivification.

Kerry is being treated in a special hospital ward located in a high tower topped by many ominous-looking lightening rods and filled with many dramatically whirring, sparking instruments. "I don't know if we can do anything for him," said assistant Igor Stravinsky. "But the lab certainly looks good."

Doctors were considering, among other operations, performing an ocular enhancement, a laryngeal dichoto-otomy, and some botox. "When he leaves here," said Phippsman, "He'll have a strong, understandable vision, he'll be able to speak directly and clearly, and, perhaps most importantly, his forehead will be virtually wrinkle-free."

Will Represent The Republican Wing of The Republican Party

Congressmen Tom Delay, Rick Santorum, and Trent Lott announced plans to stage a GOP "counter-convention" next week, designed to counter what they called "the tepid mix of weak, watered-down conservatism" that this week's GOP convention has been about.

While this week's convention highlighted compassionate conservatism, human rights, racial integration, national security, and opportunity, "We're looking for a platform based upon imperialism, bigotry, greed, and a relentless need for ever-increasing amounts of monumental power over other living beings," said Delay.

Monday night's theme will be "Power For Power's Sake"; Tuesday, "Keeping The Poor In Their Place"; Wednesday, "Dominating The World For Fun And Profit"; and Thursday will end with "We Can Do Whatever We Want As Long As We Lie About It."

Last night, Vice President Cheney whipped delegates of the RNC into a frenzy as he repeated the slogan that he first introduced on the floor of the Senate in June.

"When John Kerry says he will never mislead us into war," said Cheney, speaking from the podium, ". . . we say: 'Go Fuck Yourself!'"

Cheney continued:

And when Kerry says he'll roll back our tax cuts, we say: "Go Fuck Yourself!"

And when we're accused of not having a plan for peace in Iraq, we say: "Go Fuck Yourself"!

Cheney's address was well received by the delegates, many of whom interrrupted him with more than a dozen mid-finger ovations.

"I'm glad that the GOP, the party of Morals and Family Values, has finally got the nerve to tell the democrats to fuck off", said Diane Winters, a delegate from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

A few delegates, however, expressed concern. "I guess that it's a good slogan," said Dick Smith, a delegate from El Paso, Texas, "But isn't doing that illegal now?"

Written by the mysterious Bill Lyon. With hearty thanks and expeletives to him from all of us.

Correspondent Tom Burka reports from the field.

"Last night Arnold Schwarzenegger addressed delegates from the podium, but was not permitted to wander across the packed female-laden convention floor, for obvious reasons. He spoke to the crowd about compassionate conservatism, after which he led delegates in tonight's two-minute hate, which climaxed when Schwarzenegger used a shoulder-launched missile to blow away John Kerry in effigy.

Later, in a moment some say was calculated to make Arnold look smart, the Bush daughters spoke.

This is Tom Burka, reporting virtually live from the Republican National Convention."

Today, some hours after President Bush assured Americans that he would lose the war on terror, Rudy Giuliani, addressing the delegates at the Republican National Convention, told Americans that George W. Bush was the only candidate who could really, really lose it.

"Senator Kerry does not have the fortitude to lose the war on terror that President George W. Bush does," said Giuliani. "Only President Bush has the courage to pursue the determined, difficult course to utter failure."

He said that Bush was "rock solid, and not just from the neck up." He pointed out that Bush had not "strayed the course" despite being held up to ridicule. "So what," said Giuliani. "Churchill was ridiculed, Reagan was ridiculed, and stupid and silly people who were dumb and funny looking were ridiculed."

Giuliani closed by talking about President Bush's unique capabilities. "Few people could exploit the tragedy of 9/11 as well as our President," said Giuliani. "And I should know."

Our man in the field, Tom Burka, reporting virtually live from the Republican National Convention, has managed to phone in his very first report.

Update: Some readers wanted me to post the text of the audio: "From where I stand here just outside the Republican National Convention, Madison Square Garden is startlingly different from any other object in sight. It is an enormous pyramidal structure of glittering white concrete, soaring up, terrace after terrace, 300 metres into the air. From where I stand now it is just possible to read, picked out on its white face in elegant lettering, the three slogans of the Republican Party: 'WAR IS PEACE,' 'FREEDOM IS SLAVERY,' and 'IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.'"

Wants To Make Sure An American Wins, Among Other Things

President Bush tonight, acknowledging what he called the "overwhelming importance" of ensuring that the upcoming Presidential election is fair and accurate, and that "every person's vote is counted properly," has designated a panel of Olympic judges to oversee matters in the U.S.

"I can't think of a better group of people to do it," said Bush.

Administration officials stated that the President was concerned, among other things, that "some fantastic Russian" or "well-developed South Korean" might outperform American candidates and somehow steal the election. "We want to make sure that, at the very least, no foreign nationals can steal it," said Scott McCllellan.

"No one is more concerned than I am that the operation of democracy be impeded in any way," said Bush. "That's why I have created this blue ribbon panel. Let freedom reign."

In other news, President Bush was rounding the last lap of a record 365 vacation days in office, and is expected to earn himself a page in either the Guinness Book of Records or Ripley's "Believe It Or Not" just before he accepts his party's nomination sometime next week.

Also Claims Swift Boats Actually Quite Slow

Challenged by Navy records showing that Larry Thurlow, a Swift boat veteran, was at best mistaken and at worst a colossal liar when he swore that John Kerry had been deliberately dishonest about his Vietnam war record, Thurlow has now taken the position that the entire Vietnam war was "a sham."

"It never happened," said Thurlow. "The so-called 'war' was nothing more than an immense government con game."

Thurlow claimed that he and the other Swift boat veterans spent the so-called war years "sunning themselves on beaches in the Mediterranean," and that not only did John Kerry take part in that, he was "the tannest of them all."

"By the end of the war," said Thurlow. "Kerry was a complete bronze. That's why he got the star."

Asked how it could be possible that the government could have tricked the American people into believing the country had been involved in a war that had never occurred, Turlow said, "It's easy. Say something loudly and frequently enough and people will believe anything."

"Let me tell you," he added. "I know exactly how it's done."

In a transparently mercantile bid to keep protesters from disrupting the Republican National Convention later this month, the Bloomberg administration will offer "peaceful political activists" discounts at select hotels, museums, stores and restaurants around town . . . [Mayor] Bloomberg conceded yesterday that not everyone who wore a button would be strictly vetted for his or her peacefulness. "Unfortunately, we can't stop an anarchist from getting a button," he said . . .

"We will bring this city to its knees!" said "Mad" Alvin O'Zool, self-described anarchist and atheist. "These buttons are just the opportunity we've been waiting for."

The buttons will confer discounts at Applebee's and Mamie's Spoonbread restaurants, among other wildly desirable New York eateries.
"The delegates will be getting discounts, the protestors will be getting discounts -- when we anarchists use these pins to get massive discounts we will bring the city to the very brink of financial ruin!" O'Zool cried.

Mayor Bloomberg waxed philosphical on the question of whether violent protestors and radicals other than the anarchists will be cutting a wide swath of incendiary chaos and then wrongly using the pins to obtain satisfying, hot discounted meals.

"As long as they don't try to peacefully protest in Central Park," he said. "Anything but that."

Electing Kerry Is Just What Terrible Weather Wants, Says GOP

President Bush, while touring hurricane-ravaged Florida today, called John Kerry "soft on weather" and claimed that "bad, bad weather" would be absolutely thrilled to see Kerry in office this November.

"That's just what Charley wants," said Bush. Bush announced plans to invade Cuba and Jamaica in what he called a "preemptive strike" against future Category 4 hurricanes. "I don't know why these countires want to send their bad weather here," said Bush. "But they've gotta stop it."

President Bush hailed the Governor of Florida as an "ally in the war on weather" and asked Congress to send $100 billion dollars to Florida because "we reward our friends -- that's what you do to friends, you reward 'em."

In other news, today FEMA awarded Halliburton a no-bid contract to rebuild Florida.

Many thanks to Dave Pell of Electablog for the concept and headline. Now everyone should immediately go check out his blog, too.

Today, just after James McGreevey resigned his post as Governor of New Jersey while revealing himself to be a homosexual, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced his resignation on the grounds that he had had "multiple metrosexual assignations."

"It started off slowly, a manicure every so often," said an aide. "A facial here and there, some artificial tanning, and before you knew it he was into heavy duty skin moisturizers, hair care products -- the works. Sooner or later it was bound to get out."

"I am a fey American," said Mayor Bloomberg in an emotional and stunning speech to the city.

Critics claimed the Mayor resigned more out of jealousy of Governor McGreevey than out of civic duty. "Whatever they can do in New Jersey, we can do a thousand times better in New York," said an unamed former New York City official, the dead Fiorello LaGuardia. "Bloomberg wasn't going to let McGreevey grab the spotlight for more than a second."

Democrats bemoaned the timing of the resignations, saying that McGreevey, a Democrat, could have at least waited until the last day of the Republican National Convention to make his announcement.

Thanks to Christopher Rabb of Afro-Netizen for the headline and idea. Everyone should immediately go check out his blog.

Doctors were flown to Pensacola, Florida yesterday to consider surgical separation of George W. Bush and Senator John McCain after a campaign-related incident in which the two politicians accidentally shared the same brain.

"This is very risky," said Dr. Chaim Kneecapowitz of the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. "We've never successfully separated two politicians, particularly two conservatives."

"I can't say that John McCain will ever be the same again," said Kneecapwotz. "We might be able to give him some of his former functionality, but I'm not sure he'll ever be able to work with a Democrat again."

"We can save him," Dr. Cheryl Misk-Hugh agreed. "But he won't be talking about campaign finance reform aqain."

Karl Rove has insisted that the first priority in the surgery will be to restore George W. Bush to his former self.

"Not the young boozer and drug taker," he said. "But we're looking to save the former self who was in thrall to corporate interests and the religious right."

The State of Illinois has raised a general "alert" to signal what it is calling the "imminent candidacy" of Alan Keyes for U.S. Senator.

"We just wanted people to be on their guard," said Pierre Dupont XXXV, a minor functionary in the Illinois Department of Vagueness.

Alan Keyes has apparently agreed to enter the Senate race against Barack Obama in Illinois. "It's a genuine matter of concern for most people," said Dupont. "I certainly would want to know before I went about my daily business."

Some have already blamed Keye's candidacy for causing a large drop in job growth reported this morning, while others are concerned that Keyes's forceful but insane oratory will cause crop damage, tornados, and coastal flooding.

Citicorp employees collectively railed against the fact that the Bush Administration yesterday announced an "orange alert" for a threat to their building which, it turns out, was based upon documents that were three or four years old. Employees were angry because, they said, they should have been given the four years off while higher-ups "worked to counter the threat."

"Do you know what I could have done with that time?' said Sally Ackerman, who works in Accounts Receivable.

"Dude," said Larry Hammerman, a 28-year-old filing clerk, "I coulda probably finished, like, playing the entire PlayStation 2 catalogue."

Citicorp has a little known policy that employees may take "emergency leave" during a bomb threat. "And the way I see it is, this is like a bomb threat that has been goin' on for like four damn years," said Hammerman.

High-ranking Citicorp officials scrambled to clarify the policy. "The policy was designed to permit employees to go home for an afternoon in the event of a bomb scare or other threat requiring that the building be evacuated," Juan Upsmanship, a Senior Vice-President, "We do not feel the current situation warrants evacuation."

Bush's Depiction of Kerry As Indecisive Appeals To Voters Having Difficulty Choosing Candidate

The relatively small group of undecided voters chose to vote for John Kerry today following a major campaign by George W. Bush to depict Kerry as a "flip-flopper" who has been unable to decide where to come down on an issue.

"Hey, that's just like me," said Felicity Unction, a formerly undecided voter from Frudge, Ohio. Before picking Kerry, Unction had spent her entire morning deciding which brand of baking soda to buy that afternoon. "There are so many of them," she said.

From the time Kerry became the Party's presumptive nominee last March, Bush has been working hard to depict Kerry as a flip-flopper who has taken both sides of every issue. Today, a Zogby poll found that the few undecided voters remaining in the race -- a historically smaller number than in previous election cycles, due to an extremely polarized electorate -- had chosen to vote for Kerry.

"The Bush campaign forgot that these undecided voters were people who just couldn't make up their minds, even when the choice was obvious," said Zogby. "They immediately warmed to Kerry."

On hearing the news, Karl Rove reportedly banged his head against a large densely packed object - Tom Ridge's head -- in frustration.

Eager To Not Bash Bush, Say Colleagues

Today Republican Democratic Senator Zell Miller -- who has been given a speaking role at the Republican National Convention -- demanded a speaking role at the Democratic Convention.

"I wanted to put in a good word for the achievements of Democrats willing to work closely with Republicans to accomplish real good for Democrats working with Republicans," Miller said.

The winning entry was by Andante of Collective Sigh.

TV Stations To Show Reruns Of "Lassie" Tonight

During a rehearsal at the Fleet Center this morning, Senator John Kerry, who was practicing his speech at the central podium, accidentally accepted the Democratic Party's nomination, approximately ten hours early.

"I gratefully accept the nomination of the Democratic Party," he said, and a confused Kucinich delegate on the floor immediately moved to accept the nomination, which was seconded and passed by American Samoa.

Although Kerry immediately realized his mistake and tried to "take back" his acceptance, a member of the Rules Committee informed him that there were "absolutely no take-backsies."

Because Convention rules specify that no nominee may accept a nomination twice, Kerry cannot accept the nomination this evening, and television networks are planning on showing reruns of "Friends," "Seinfeld," and "Lassie."

Security has been so tight at the Fleet Center that even delegates have sometimes had difficulty getting inside.

Hope Campobello, a New Jersey delegate, was on her way back into the Democratic National Convention when she was detained by security personnel because she refused to surrender a liquid. It is prohibited to bring liquids into the convention. As a result, Ms. Campobello missed John Edwards' acceptance speech.

"Hope was on the way," her husband Gino Campobello said. "But she was too damn thirsty to give up her Diet Coke."

Ms. Campobello had managed to get the Diet Coke through the metal detectors, over the barbed wire, and past the Royal Canadian Mounties when a bunch of police dogs, carefully trained to detect soft drinks, sounded the alert.

Hope refused to give up her Diet Coke because Diet Cokes, which are somehow sold by Verizon inside the Fleet Center, cost thirteen dollars a can.

John Edwards, always a champion of the tired and thirsty, refused to give up. "Hope is on the way," he said.

"I don't know. I think Hope got lost or something," said her husband, an hour or so later. "Maybe she just gave up and went home."

Opinions You Should Have has learned that John Kerry will be unable to deliver his acceptance speech on Thursday night as planned.

Just moments after Barack Obama delivered what some, even Republicans, are calling "one of the best convention speeches of the past twenty-five years," Kerry developed "a bad case of laryngitis."

"He really can't speak," said a spokesman.

When Kerry accepts the nomination, the DNC is considering rebroadcasting Clinton's Monday night speech, which many called "masterful," Obama's speech, or simply allowing Obama to deliver the acceptance speech for John Kerry.

Earlier yesterday, John Kerry gave a speech to the United Association Of Caffeine Processors, none of whom fell asleep.

Candidate To Go For "Whole Condiment" Sweep

The prestigious Hellman's Mayonnaise family endorsed John Kerry today, in what spokesmen hoped presaged "an entire group of condiment endorsements," known in the political sphere as "the whole jar of pickles."

Kerry, who corralled Heinz Ketchup with a simple marriage ceremony, is hoping to sew up the Krafts sometime in the coming week. Kerry is also trying to branch out: next Tuesday he is to meet with influential and powerful Chef Boyardi.

It is reported that Grey Poupon is on the fence, however. "We are attracted to the Republicans because they are rich, arrogant, and incredibly stuffy," said Lord Poupon earlier today.

"On the other hand, we are liking the Kerry very much," he added, "because we are French."

Feisty "Red-Shirted Warriors" Ready To Rumble

Courageous and strong-hearted delegates from Guam, the U.S. territory that has fielded the smallest number of delegates on the floor, 12, surged forward in what appeared to be a carefully coordinated thrust into Vermont, Connecticut, and Maryland, making a stab at capturing the coveted seating held by Massachussets directly in front of the stage.

Guam's delegation had been relegated to the "cheap seats," a tiny parallegram situated just to the north of the Virgin Islands' 13 delegates and far to the side of the floor. Just about seven minutes ago, during the speech of Gloria Fledt of Planned Parenthood, the Guam delegates screamed, "Massachussetts or bust!" and surged forward, pushing delegates in their way into Minnesota and North Carolina.

The Virgin Islands watched calmly throughout the ordeal, sipping pina coladas and fanning themselves lazily as they watched the chaos. "Guam needs to learn to relax, mahn," said a strangely Jamaican sounding member of the delegation.

Guam's rebellion was finally quelled when they began to listen to the droning, almost hypnotic voice of Phil Angelides , Treasurer of California, and they passed out, which Guam delegate Feroll Magnesia later claimed "had nothing whatsoever to do with our swimming in the Charles' river yesterday."

Eric Rice of Audioblog.com made what I'm sure he'll come to see as the epic mistake of offering audioblog accounts to ten of the convention bloggers. Thanks to him, we're going inside the Convention to make history with the first words broadcast by a blogger from the convention floor.

Thought He Was Retired From Small But Lucrative Dentistry Practice, They Claim

Lawyers for Kenneth Lay today claimed that Lay not only knew nothing of the corrupt and illegal practices of Enron, but was shocked to learn that he had been CEO of the company.

"So that's where all those large checks were coming from," Lay is reported to have said.

While Lay had initially advanced the claim that he knew nothing of any illegal practices -- and indeed, it seems, nothing of the day-to-day operations -- of the company that he ran, his lawyers today decided to "take Lay's defense a little further."

J. Frumious Bandersnatch, Esq., explained that Lay had thought that he was retired, and that all of his money had come from an extremely lucrative dentistry practice he had invested in years ago.

"He knew the money had something to do with drilling, but that's about it," Bandersnatch said.

Lay was also said to be surprised to learn that George W. Bush was President, that he and his company had been the top contributors to Bush for many years, that he had asked Dick Cheney to appoint an energy industry lackey to the directorship of the Federal Energy Regulation Committee, that Cheney did, and that "Friends" was no longer on television.

A tip of the hat to Doug Everett of KDVS-FM for the idea.

Necessary Step, Say Record Labels, Movie Studios

Major record labels, CD and DVD manufacturers decided today that they would hitherto release only CDs and DVDs in permanently sealed, unopenable packages to combat piracy.

"We feel that the packaging we have used so far, which hinders the buyer from opening his purchase for a good ten to fifteen minutes, was too tentative and weak," said Blad Futtworth, a musician and representative of the RPMAA, an anti-piracy group. "We have decided to fully commit to protecting the copyrights of our products."

"We still want people to buy our products, but we don't necessarily want them to hear them," said Manson Fruitfly, President of Riff Records. "If they can hear it, they'll probably want to illegally copy it."

New CD's and DVD's will be encased in seamless envelopes of unbendable titanium, itself containing unbreakable synthetic diamond shells.

Additionally, legally purchased downloads will be entirely scrambled from now on, said Fruitfly.

"We've finally licked this piracy thing," said Futtworth. "Now we, as artists, can concentrate on simply making the best product we possibly can."

Better Safe Than Sorry, Says Bush

U.S. officials discussing the idea of postponing Election Day to prevent a terrorist attack instead held it nearly four months early, in order to prevent what they called "a possible terrorist-related disruption of the democratic process."

"It was J. Paul Bremer's idea," said Enrico "Ticky" Tavi, a member of a secret commission responsible for the change. Tavi said the Commission is in charge of "safeguarding democracy."

"I'd say we achieved a real 'July surprise,'" said Tavi. "We sure caught those terrrorists off guard."

Although turnout was at a record low -- only a little more than 50 votes were cast -- George W. Bush carried every state, and won every vote except one.

"We're still looking for that guy," Tavi said.

Connection Unfathomable, Say Rove, Cheney

Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced today that analysts had concluded that the likelihood of a terrorist strike in America increases whenever the President's popularity rating declines.

"There's a distinct correlation between the President's popularity ratings and increased terrorist activity," said Ridge. "Whenever President Bush's numbers go down, it's far more likely that we will be attacked by al Qaeda."

"The only thing we can advise is for U.S. citizens to like President Bush as much as possible to keep us all safe," Ridge concluded.

Standing in front of a wall of high-tech flat screen monitors, Ridge addressed reporters in the new Department of Homeland Security Security Operations Center.

"I can't for the political life of me say why this is happening," said Ridge. "I'm utterly stumped."

Ridge denied that Gilligan's Island was showing on one of the many screens behind him. "Oh, no," he said. "That's an uncharted desert isle."

Will Ban Trial Lawyers From Office Of Vice-President

President Bush introduced a bill today that will bring sweeping new tort reforms, including banning trial lawyers from occupying positions in the White House.

"It's bad enough these bloodsuckers are cluttering up our courts," said Bush. "Now they want to live and work in our places of government." Bush said CEO's and businessmen, not lawyers, should be running the country.

Bush said that it was mere coincidence that the proposed law would bar Sen. John Edwards from seeking the Vice Presidency. "John Edwards couldn't spark Dick Cheney's pacemaker," said Bush. Bush was careful not to repeat his comment yesterday that "Cheney can be President," because immediately afterward Cheney said, "Great," and commandeered the Oval Office, which he has refused to leave.

The President also sought to introduce a measure calling for "Grand Jury Litigation Reform," restricting fees collected by lawyers representing Presidents in connection with grand jury litigation.

"I can tell you from personal experience," said President Bush, "these fees are just too high."

Post, Times Totally Miss Boat

John Kerry announced today that dead former Vice-President Hubert Humphrey would be his running mate in the upcoming election. Kerry had the foresight to discuss the ticket with Humphrey many years ago (see picture at left), while Humphrey was still alive. Humphrey, whose death has not impeded his ability to speak, is eager to accept the nomination later this month.

Incredibly, the New York Post reported this morning that Richard Gephardt was Kerry's choice.. Those of us manning this page are helpless to explain how a newspaper or journalistic equivalent such as our own could ever get the facts so wrong.

Kerry's announcement regarding Humphrey also lays to rest the relentless speculation and rumor that John Edwards, and not Humphrey, was chosen. Kerry was forced to abandon his consideration of Edwards when the Disney Corporation was granted a preliminary injunction against his doing so, on the grounds that an Edwards-Cheney Vice-Presidential debate would infringe upon Disney's copyrights and trademarks.

Andrea Flange, a spokesman for Disney explained, "There's only one Beauty and the Beast."

Conservatives across the country are complaining vehemently about what they called "the countless and innumerable inaccuracies" of Michael Moore's documentary and polemic film, "Fahrenheit 9/11."

"For one thing, the title is intensely misleading," said Spartelby Fisk, a Republican gnome. "It has nothing to do with heat. It's a crock."

Fisk said that the film is a travesty. "For one thing, early in the film, President Bush moves in slow motion. President Bush has never moved in slow motion. This is just an out-and-out lie."

At several points Bush is shown in freeze frame. "He's never been that motionless," said Fisk. "This film is utterly dishonest."

Fisk also derided Moore for depicting Bush as "pasty" and "beady-eyed," and oft-times blurry and out-of-focus. "The President has always been distinct and clearly-defined," said Fisk.

In a private conversation, Karl Rove was heard to disagree. "I would never allow President Bush to be seen clearly by the American people. Good lord, how would I ever get anybody to vote for him?"

Problems In Training, Organization Made Governing Difficult, Says Report

A broad new Army report concludes that serious problems in training, organization and policy regarding military detention operations in Iraq and Afghanistan contributed to the abuses at Abu Ghraib prison, senior defense officials said Thursday.

The report also found that the Bush Administration was "ill-equipped" to lead the nation when Bush took power in 2001, and that inadequate training, poor organization, policy-making problems, and a "complete lack of judgment" contributed to the government's inability to "do anything right."

The report, by an Army group created to issue reports and say important things about "all kinds of stuff," recommended that future presidents have "more experience with actually governing," or, at the very least, "a clue."

"If they don't have a clue, then they should be given one," said Gen. Hazelnut Cappucino III. "That's what training's all about."

Some other observations included in the report were that the world was round, that the sun usually came up in the morning, and that domestic and foreign policies were better if they were formed with some foresight and actual knowledge.

Thousands of eager Iraqis gathered in Baghdad today to greet the "birth of a new Iraqi government" after the United States formally transfers power to an interim Iraqi authority. In Sabala Square, where the transfer ceremony was scheduled to take place, swarms of Iraqis waited patiently.

"I am so excited," said Gliknar Spood. "Everything will be so different!"

Achmed Splar, an Iraqi shoe salesman turned entrepreneur, was selling pins, t-shirts, and light wands to commemorate the day. "JUNE 30, 2004" was emblazoned on one t-shirt depicting J. Paul Bremer boarding a C-130 and leaving his combat boots on the tarmac as Iraqi President Ghazi Yawer looks on.

"Hey," asked Splar. "Where is everybody?"

In Case Of Senate Tie, Vice President Will Now Say "Aye" or "Go Fuck Yourself"

The Republican-controlled Senate revised its voting procedures today to reflect the new-found propriety of Vice President Dick Cheney's behavior last week on the Senate floor.

Now, in the event of a tie, the Vice-President will break the tie by voting in the affirmative and saying "Aye", or, when voting in the negative, saying "Go fuck yourselves."

Additonally, the more traditional "Aye" or "Nay" will be henceforth replaced by "Fuck Me" and "Fuck You."

The Senate Sergeant-at-Arms will no longer place members under arrest, but will tell them that they are "fucked." In the event that a member is expelled, the Sergeant-at-Arms will announce that the member has been totally fucked.

When a vote is held up in committee, it will be referred to as "a total fucking."

"We want to thank the Vice President for ushering in a new, more open era of Senate civility," said. Sen. Bill Frist. "I mean, fucking-A."

Rove, Rice, Powell, Bush "Absolutely Panicked"; Cheney, Rumsfeld Unperturbed

White House officials today feared that its decision to seek to torture "enemy combatants" and terrorists might lead to the perception they had, in fact, done what they did.

"The minute the public catches on to what we actually do here everyday, we're finished," said an unamed functionary, Colin Powell.

In response to its fears, the White House released 258 pages of internal memos showing that the President, White House lawyers, and Donald Rumsfeld had explicitly approved the use of torture.

"These documents," the President said, "show that we never approved the use of torture."

The President explained that when he said, in one of the documents, that we "needed new thinking in the law of war," and that the "war on terror ushers in a new paradigm," he meant that we needed "the same old, humane thinking."

Documents show Donald Rumsfeld's kinder side, said White House officials. A document [note: pdf] that approved, among other things, forcing prisoners to stand for up to four hours at a time bore Rumsfled's notation, "Why only four? I stand for eight to ten hours day."

"What Secretary Rumsfeld meant was that prisoners would be given standing desks, several overly solicitous aides, a generous salary, as much coffee as they wanted, and air conditioning," said Albert Gonzalez, White House Counsel.

A document written by White House lawyers explicitly approving the use of torture was "being rewritten" to suggest that White House lawyers had approved giving prisoners lollipops and "non-expiring" cell phone minutes, said Gonzalez.

The White House refused to release further documents because they would only show, in even more specific and graphic language, spokesmen said, that torture was not condoned.

"To release these other documents," said Donald Rumsfeld with a smile, "would just be overkill."

HMO's giddy with excitement after winning a ruling from the Supreme Court banning patients from suing them for malpractice filed suit against their customers alleging business intereference and harassment today.

"These patients are always asking for some doctor or for some drug," said SafetyNet CEO Luther Bling-Bling. "It's enough to make you sick."

"I'm absolutely harried. It's getting much harder to make ends meet," said Health-U-Bet President Lucy Cashmore. "I can hardly keep my kids in cashmere, and these people are whining about their meds, their internal organs, their lives. It's always me, me, me with them."

Patient Juan Davila was ordered to pay Aetna $300,000 for filing a "frivolous" lawsuit in state court after he developed serious bleeding ulcers when Aetna gave him ground glass instead of a more expensive medicine, Vioxx, to treat his arthritis.

Aetna defended its action. "We're being very reasonable here. We're only asking for attorney's fees," said a spokesman for Aetna. "It's not like we wanted his left kidney."

Clinton Again Banished To Couch

Hillary Clinton was "extremely unsettled" by what she described as George W. Bush's "unnaturally kind remarks" to Clinton at the recent White House unveiling of Bill and Hilary Clinton's portraits. "The only explanation is that Bill is again `mowing someone else's lawn,' if you take my meaning," said one of Sen. Clinton's staffers.

"Bush was much more intimate in these several minutes with President Clinton than Gore was during his entire campaign," said a Gore campaign manager who wished to remain nameless, Donna Brazile. "It's not surprising that Hillary feels that Bill has one again indulged in fiddle-faddle."

In response, President Clinton was, once again, banished to the couch, where, as he recounted in his memoirs, he previously spent "an engaging two months" after "discussing" Monical Lewinski with Hillary. President Clinton is apparently thinking of fitting the couch with "full luxury options," including a stereo, fold-out digital TV with DVD playback, and portajohn.

Laura Bush did not, in turn, banish her husband to the couch because, she said, "he's never made a mistake." She added: "If he's sleeping with Bill Clinton, I'm sure it's for the national security."

Orders Eggs And "Intrinsically-Linked" Sausages

Despite the report of the 9/11 Commission that a thorough review of all relevant evidence showed that there was never any link between Iraq and Al Qaeda, Vice President Cheney is unable to go as long as three minutes without asserting the existence of such a connection.

"I'll have the waffles," he told a waitress earlier today, "with a side of bacon and Hussein was in bed with bin Laden all the way."

Cheney has mentioned the nonexistent link as many as 300 times so far today, alleging it during discussions of domestic oil production, Halliburton contracts, energy policy, and Diebold voting machines.

"We don't need a paper trail," said Cheney. "We don't have a paper trail that leads directly from Saddam to a certain now-desecrated spot in lower Manhattan, but we still know what Saddam did there."

At home, the Vice President has re-labelled the salt and pepper shakers on his dining room table "Iraq" and "Al Qaeda," and was recently heard to claim in a phone call to Anita Bryant, "They are like orange juice and sunshine."

In other news, Republicans cried foul when Time Magazine revealed that the "undisclosed location" to which Dick Cheney has periodically retreated is an underground bunker hidden in a popular theme park.

The Vice President is often in Fantasyland.

Recruiters Try New Tactics to Sell Wartime Army - [W]ith the Army's presence in Iraq and Afghanistan continuing, with plans for a temporary increase of 30,000 troops in the Army's reserve, and with soldiers' tours being extended in Iraq, a top Pentagon official this month expressed concern about military recruiting in the years ahead.

Learn to love rejection. Remember those pesky relatives who come to visit you but never ever really leave? Be one of them.

Facing a long term jail sentence? You don't have to! Today's Army needs convicted felons like you to round out our, uh, glockenspiel band.

And don't go into combat alone. Bring a friend! Bring two! Bring the whole family! Our "buddy" option lets you enlist with someone you like, and who likes you (But not "that way," okay?). Nothing cements the bond of friendship than the truly unique ritual of dragging your pal to safety after he's been fragged.

Has your boyfriend/wife/lover been cheating/neglectful/clinging like a barnacle that can only be surgically removed? What better way to forget than to do eight weeks of glorious, relationship-free basic training, followed by an assignment overseas. Chances are, you won't even go to Iraq. You could go to South Korea or Germany instead. For at least a week, maybe.

It doesn't get any any better than this! It really doesn't. Sign up today!

Warning: Following orders may lead to unwanted media attention, prison sentences, and international vilification. In the event that you are wounded, medical attention and travel expenses may cost extra. You may need to provide your own equipment. Digital cameras, laptop computers, pencils and paper may be confiscated. Your memory may be subject to periodic revision. Although term of service may nominally be limited to fifteen months, you may be required to stay in the military until death or permanent disability. Coupons may not be honored. Some restrictions may apply. Get a haircut.

Republicans today rallied the cry to rename most of the nation's buildings in honor of Ronald Reagan, and planned to rename George W. Bush after him as well.

The White House will be renamed The Ronald Reagan House (Which Happens To Be White), and, as soon as stonemasons can replace the face, the Lincoln Memorial will be renamed the Reagan Memorial. (Lincoln's great speeches, carved into the walls of the Memorial, will be left there, "Because didn't Reagan play Lincoln in some movie?" said Francis Bickel, chair of the Reagan Memorial Defense Committee. "He probably said those after he liberated the jews from the death camps.")

The Presidency is to renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Presidency, and George W. Bush will henceforth be known as the First Ronald Reagan President, or the "Pretty Good" Communicator.

"It's a good thing," said Bush. "I hope I can live up to it. I understand that Abe Lincoln once landed a jet on the USS Ronald Reagan, and I'd like to do that, too."

President Bush said that his present umbrella was "working perfectly" and rejected calls for a new one.

"This umbrella is perhaps one of the finest umbrellas this country has ever had," said Bush, "and I stand firmly behind it."

Critics said that Bush's umbrella was "ineffective, severely flawed, and just as bad as no umbrella at all." In response, Bush said that was "just people playing politics," and that he was not "all wet," as many have alleged.

"That's exactly what you'd expect them to say," said Bush.

Habeeb McKenzie, a postal worker from Iowa, said,"That umbrella don't work for shit! Who is he kidding? Can I offer you some mail?"

Plan To Rename, Repaint Offices, Too

Iraq took a mighty step forward toward creating an independent sovereign government this week as the Iraqi Governing Council -- a group of U.S. appointed Iraqi exiles seen as largely subservient to U.S. demands -- renamed itself and became a group of dynamic, independent thinkers -- made up of the very same people.

"I am a new man!" cried Prime Minister Iyad Allawi. "I could order American troops out of Iraq tomorrow if I wished!"

Asked if this was true, Allawi became suddenly sober and said," I don't know. Let me make a call." After disappearing into his study and making an overseas call, Allawi emerged and answered, "No. I can't."

He raised his hands over his head in a gesture of triumph. "But I can dream!" he cried.

Mysterious New Body Has No Actual Name

The Iraqi Governing Council transformed itself into -- something else.

"Everyone's calling us the 'new interim goverment,' but we had been thinking about calling ourselves 'New Government with Minty Fresh Scent' to spice it up," said "New Improved" Foreign Minister Hoshiyar Zebari, who had previously been Foreign Minister in the Iraqi Governing Council.

"That's how I got this job," Zebari joked. "Foreign Minister was already on my resume."

All Chalabi, All the Time Is Only Thing That Will Satisfy American Public, Say Networks

Cable networks across the country announced today adding the "Chalabi Channel," in order to sate what they called "the insatiable appetite" of American consumers for news, discussion, and entertainment revolving around former-good-guy-turned-bad-guy Ahmed Chalabi.

"I, for one, just can't get enough," said Vinnie Schlockboom, a coal miner from Grundigsville, Pennsylvania. As Mr. Schlockboom dug into a huge movie-theater-sized container of hot-buttered popcorn, he lay back in his E-Z-chair and quickly surfed television channels for any tidbit about the "newly exiled exile."

"It's a classic American tale," said Princeton English Professor Hilda Hammerman, "Good man woos country, good man gets thrown out of country, good man gets country, good man turns out to be lying thief, trickster and traitor, has house continually raided, loses country."

Kevin Drum of the blog Political Animal and Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo have been signed on to sort out the facts and talk endlessly about the never-ending stream of developments and revelations about Chalabi. Richard Perle and Newt Gingrich will mud-wrestle Condoleezza Rice on "White House Rumble!" to get her to reverse the White House decision to stop associating with the same man to whom they paid millions so that he would tell them exactly what they wanted to hear.

A sitcom called "Chalabi and Friends" is reportedly in development. It will feature Ahmed Chalabi and a host of "unlikely political characters" who live in two apartments across the hall from each other bed-hopping and switching partners until the show goes into syndication.

Today the Department of Homeland Security warned of a much higher risk of a terrorist attack over the coming months, which prompted them to raise the threat level from Yellow ("Elevated") to Yellow ("Still Elevated"). "The threat level remains fundamentally the same," said Tom Ridge, "Except that it is definitely, certainly much threatier."

In response, the FBI pledged to step up its random arrest program, used most recently to such great effect with Portland lawyer Brandon Mayfield last week, who, although not a terrorist, "was unable to mount a terrorist attack during his two weeks in captivity, had he really been one."

Although unable to supply a date, time, place, method, situation, guess, hope, or random thought for the expected attack on the U.S. by al Qaeda, Ridge said there was "credible intelligence" corroborated by lots of "chatter" that, while not "actionable," provided a firm basis for scaring the bejesus out of an otherwise complacent U.S. populace.

"We don't want people to panic," said Ridge. "But it could be any place, at any time, and it could be either a nuclear explosion that flattens the coast or a biological attack that could make "The Day After Tomorrow" look like a high school picnic."

"Or not," he added.

Ridge cut his remarks short to make a trip to Capitol Hill to get the Department of Homeland Security renamed the "Department of Scaring The Pants Off People While Not Offering The Slightest Help Whatsoever."

"The Government" To Join Reality TV Lineup Until June 30

In one of his most important speeches to date, the President unveiled a detailed and methodical plan for the transfer of sovereignty to a new Iraqi government.

"We have entered into an arrangement with Survivor's Mark Burnett to choose the 30 members of the Iraqi interim government. 100 Iraqis will compete against each other to choose the 30 finalists and a new form of government in what, I think you'll agree, will make a very exciting month of television," the President announced before the U.S. Army War College tonight.

U.N. representative Lakhdar Brahimi will host, due to the unavailability of Survivor regular Jeff Probst, said Bush. Shi'ite Ayatollah Ali Sistani and representatives of the Sunnis and Kurds will be forced to run mazes, sell lemonade, and stand for hours on tree stumps while keeping their arms raised to prove their worth in running Iraq.

"Choosing the correct 30 people to run the interim government of Iraq is absolutely crucial to the success or failure of this grand experiment," said Bush. "There may be other ways to choose the 30 people, but we couldn't think of any."

White House officials dealt with criticism of the plan as half-baked, uncooked, and imbecilic by replying that having a plan -- any plan -- would be better than simply hoping that a truly workable interim government would simply coalesce while they "made a lot of speeches about it."

Proves Digital Cameras "Terrible Threat" To Nation, Says Rumsfeld

On Saturday, a soldier on leave, using his cellphone camera, took a picture of President Bush riding his bicycle into a huge ditch. The photograph showed that the President had been riding with his eyes closed, while Donald Rumsfeld, Condeleezza Rice, Paul Wolfowitz, and Dick Cheney directed Bush to ride off the edge of a precipice and into the dangerous ravine.

The President denied that he needed to ride with his eyes open in the future. "Ya see, that's just what these ravines want, they want us to get away from these sheer drop-offs. But we will not be strayed from our mission," he said.

Donald Rumsfeld, who has banned digital cameras, camcorders, cellphones with cameras, and the gift of sight from all military compounds in Iraq, immediately extended the ban to all U.S. military personnel everywhere.

Pvt. Northrup O'Hallohan, who took the picture, was immediately placed under house arrest. His cellphone camera has been shipped to Guantanamo Bay for questioning.

"I don't know what I did wrong," said O'Hallohan. "I thought I still had 200 free minutes."

Search Of Chalabi Home Turns Up Only A $33 Million Watch

The U.S., pretending to an arm of the Iraqi Provisional Authority, invaded Ahmed Chalabi's house today, because Chalabi was deemed to be an "imminent threat" to the nation's pocketbooks, Donald Rumsfeld said today.

Rumsfeld initially claimed not to have any knowledge of the invasion, saying that the action had been mounted by members of the Iraqi government. However, he admitted that he had actually given the order to invade Chalabi's home when confronted with the fact that no Iraqi government yet exists. "Oh yeah," he said.

J. Paul Bremer, the U.S.-installed Occupational Czar of Iraq, was disappointed by how little was discovered in the raid of Chalabi's home, since he had been "fairly sure" that that the missing WMD would actually turn up inside.

"That would have been perfect," said Bremer, sitting next to a stack of Agatha Christie novels. "I mean, only a month ago we were still paying the little creep."

Chalabi is unfazed by the sudden downturn in his relationship with the United States. He was last seen in negotiations with cleric Muqtada al-Sadr.

"I can tell you a lot about the Americans," he is said to have boasted.

New Belief System Entitles Them To Tax-Exempt Status

[A]ccording to the office of Texas Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn, a Denison Unitarian church isn't really a religious organization -- at least for tax purposes. Its reasoning: the organization "does not have one system of belief."

"Is that belief system enough for ya?" said Unitarian Minister Obiah P. Dowd, who doubles as the sheriff of Yaul County.

The Unitarian Church is now moving to disqualify the Catholic Church from tax-exempt status because it propounds belief in the existence of the Holy Trinity. "We count that as three," said Minister Dowd.

In a press conference today, Comptroller Strayhorn said that she was entitled to judge the Unitarian religion based upon her acute expertise in all matters theological. "I've seen The Ten Commandmants dozens of times," said Strayhorn. "It used to be on the television every year."

Strayhorn denied being inconsistent for allowing the Church of Scientology to have tax-exempt status in Texas. "Oh, but they they have one belief system", she said. "They only believe in fleecing Tom Cruise."

Kerry aide Laura Nuptial denied the charge, saying that the Senator had merely unsuccessfully attempted to pick his nose during a prominent campaign appearance, and later removed his finger from his face "without incident."

Wasn't Going To Be President of Council Much Longer Anyway, He Says

President Bush was cautiously upbeat about the recent assassination of Iraqi Governing Council President Ezzidin Salim this morning, saying that though it was a "terrible tragedy," it did make one of the changes envisioned by the June 30 the transition plan, "only much more forcefully."

Bush explained that he had expected that Salim would not have remained President of the Governing Council much after June 30 in any case.

"This is bad news, bad, bad news," said Bush. "The good news is this occurred outside the Green Zone, so things are certainly improving."

White House spokesmen echoed the President's optimism. "We'd like to think that we're not losing a Council President, we're gaining a speedier transition," said White House aide Hector Turlington IV.

Corey Humongous, a retired tire welder from Calefon, Ohio, agreed: "Because after this, we just want to get the hell out of there that much faster."

In related headlines, Bush Administration officials welcomed news that a bomb containing Sarin nerve gas had exploded in Baghdad recently. "We've finally found those weapons of mass destruction," said a greatly relieved low level Bush Administration flunkee -- Secretary Of State Colin Powell.

A vicious cycle of outrage threatens to swallow up Washington following Sen. Inhofe's (R. Okla.) statement earlier this week that he was "more outraged by the outrage than he was by the treatment" of Abu Ghraib prisoners. Democrats immediately became outraged that he was more outraged by the outrage, and now Republicans are livid that Democrats are furious at Sen. Inhofe's acrimony.

Historians can recall few times as outrageous, but recall previous incidents in American politics, such as 1742, when the Tories were irked by ire, 1773, when the Whigs were fuming about wrath, or 1907, when populists were incensed by aggravation.

"All pales compared to the period when Mary Lincoln confessed to Abraham that she was piqued by temper," said Sydney Mayhew, a scholar in the field of acute exasperation.

Sen. Inhofe has previously been menaced by menace and mystified by mysticism, so his statements this week should not have been very surprising, said Mayhew.

And the effect on the citizenry? "All of this anger we're seeing in Congress right now," said Mayhew, "It probably just pisses them off."

In honor of the "CEO President," and in recognition of the fine advances he has brought to modern management techniques, the Harvard Business School will offer a new degree, called the "M.B.A.": Master Of Bush Administration.

Professor Stephen Hambone, Ph.D.Th. (Doctor of Thinkology), explained, "President Bush has taken delegation to an entirely new level. We used to teach that you should delegate to the most competent and intelligent individuals in your organization. But President Bush has taught us that you can delegate to anyone, as long as you don't read their reports."

Professor Hambone also lauded the President for cutting down on executive reading: "You don't have to read critical documents anymore -- or any documents, really -- and in fact, it's preferable. Cuts down on the likelihood of shareholder litigation or impeachment."

Professor Hambone was effusive in his praise of Bush's "no-minute management style," and related other Bush lessons: "Always call the work of top supervisors 'superb,' even when they've endangered a core mission. When you say your supervisors look good, you look good. And blameless."

The school will be taking applications only from those nominally serving in the National Guard, starting this July.

Not Widespread, But Thankfully Good For Economy, Says Rumsfeld

A contrite U.S. Department of Labor explained that Friday's encouraging job numbers largely were due to increases in the hiring of U.S. military intelligence officers overseas and assorted specialists who "helped" them, as well as a large number of expensive civilian contractors employed in Iraq to perform interrogations.

"We believe the abuse, while certainly horrific, was not widespread," said Donald Rumsfeld last Friday, "but we are encouraged that, at the very least, this international scandal is helping to revive our economy."

Today the President lauded Rumsfeld for doing a "superb" job, and added that he was "impressed" at how Mr. Rumsfeld was able to see the "silver cloud" in even in the "darkest lining."

The Department of Labor was optimistic about the number of jobs the economy would add next month, even taking into account possible job losses of people who might be court-martialled, a spokesman said.

When George was little, his father put him in charge of the garden in the back yard.

"Now, George, the gardeners are going to make this garden nice. All you have to do is make sure that they do a good job."

"Yes, Daddy," said George.

George had some other things to do, so he put his dog in charge of the gardeners.

When the gardeners came, they burned down the toolshed, destroyed the garden, trampled the yard, and demolished the neighbor's house.

When George's father came back, he was stunned.

"How did this happen?" he asked George.

"Dad, I cannot tell a lie," George said. "I am disgusted by what I see here today. I am as surprised as you to see this devastation. Rest assured that investigations into this disaster will begin immediately."

"Don't you have something to say to me?" said George's father.

"I told the neighbors I was deeply sorry that their house burned down," said George.

"Don't you think you better get rid of that dog?" said George's father.

"No, father, he's a good dog, and I'm going to keep him."

George put the dog in charge of the investigation.

The Little Mermaid joined Michael Moore today to protest what she called "film distribution fascism," in response to Disney's refusal to distribute either Ariel's or Mr. Moore's films.

Ms. Ariel's film "The Little Mermaid" has not been available in stores anwhere since it was placed on "moratorium" in February, 2000.

"It can't be a coincidence that my film was pulled from the shelves just when George W. Bush was made President," said Ariel, speaking outside of Disney-MGM Studios' "Voyage of the Little Mermaid" earlier today, where she appears daily.

"I believe Disney pulled my film in response to my stance against unregulated bulk fishing, which this Administration champions," said Ariel.

Ariel decried any suggestion that the "moratorium" was related to her 1999 breakup with Disney chief Michael Eisner. On the other hand, Michael Moore was fairly certain that Disney's refusal to distribute his film was "somewhat related" to Moore's refusal to date Mr. Eisner in 2003.

Ariel and Mr. Moore were joined by Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Aladdin, The Lion King, Bambi, Shere Khan, Cinderella, Lady and the Tramp, and 101 Dalmatians.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse declined to comment.

Responsibility For U.S. Soldiers' Misconduct Must Go "Right To The Top," Affirms Current Prez

Today President Bush said that the blame for the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners must lie with "the very highest offices responsible for overseeing the military," and that, accordingly, President Clinton was at fault.

"Far from being just the misdeeds to a handful of misbehaving soldiers, we have to see these that only one person and one person alone ultimately bears responsibility for the government over which he presides," said Bush. "That person is, of course, President Clinton."

"President Clinton's failure to act directly caused the horrors we have discovered today," Bush continued. "If President Clinton had invaded Iraq when he should have, this would never have happened."

President Bush called for the formation of a special commission to investigate the many ways in which Clinton caused the ailments of today's America: "President Clinton should fess up to these aburdly high gas prices," he said. "Not to mention all these lost jobs. He sure has a lot to answer for."

More Secure And Humane, Says U.S.

In response to what appears to be widespread, sanctioned abuse and torture of captive Iraqis at the infamous Abu Ghraib prison, the Bush Administration has reconstituted the Republic Guard and directed its generals to oversee U.S. prison facilities in Iraq "from now on."

"We want to make sure that Iraqi prisoners are treated better than American soldiers treat them," said U.S. General Chaim Matlock.

The Republican Guard will also take over the U.S. seige of Fallujah. "We don't want to inflame Iraqis, so instead of U.S. soldiers shelling the hell out of them, we thought they'd take more kindly to the Republican Guard doing it."

Former Saddam Hussein lookalike and Republican Guard leader Jasim Muhammad Saleh was to be placed in charge of the U.S. mission. However, after he told U.S. officials that there were "no Iraqis in Fallujah" and that he "doubted that there were any in Iraq," American officials said they might "reconsider" a decision which they said "might be yet another unimaginably colossal blunder."

Hopes For More Inquiries of White House Failures, Disasters

President Bush today spoke of the visit of the 9/11 Commission and their questions about possible government failures leading up to the worst terrorist attack on American soil.

"I enjoyed it," said Bush. "It was the most fun."

The President said that he could not remember why he attempted to block the formation of the Commission or stonewall them completely for much of the time since their creation.

"Nice peoples have pretty ties," he said.

After the meeting, White House staffers took the Commisssioners' notebooks away to see if they contained any classified information that they could redact and reveal later at a politically opportune moment.

"Big people take nice men paper away," Bush said.

After Bush's statements, Vice President Cheney led Bush away with several balls and toys.

In a response to the pentagon's recent statement that today's mammoth exchanges of hostile weapons fire did not mean that the fragile ceasefire negotiated between Iraqi insurgents and the U.S had ended, the International Protocol Evaluation Committee on All Ceasefires (IPECAC) voted the Fallujah ceasefire the "best ever."

Dr. Neb Blimbo explained that while most ceasefires were "outright dull," the ceasefire at Fallujah had been "really spiced up" by the spectacular plumes thrown up by primary and secondary explosions against the night sky.

"Ceasefires are so much more exciting when the parties are absolutely blowing the living crap out of each other," he explained.

Blimbo further explained that the siege of Fallujah still qualified as a ceasefire because the participants "cease firing every ten seconds or so when they have to reload."

Dr. Blimbo's other favorite ceasefires include the Tet Offensive, ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, and Custer's Last Stand.

Karen Hughes, in a withering attack on John Kerry today, complained that it was awful for Kerry to throw away or keep his medals or ribbons from the Vietnam war.

Hughes admitted that she was confused as to whether Kerry had said that he kept his highly prestigious medals, but had actually thrown them away, or the reverse. "I don't care about the facts," she said.

"Whatever Kerry did or didn't do with the medals he earned for saving men's lives in dangerous combat, it's a disgrace," she said. "His so-called defense of this country makes me puke."

"If George W. Bush had earned a medal for anything that he did, you can bet he wouldn't have faked throwing out any award that he would possibly have earned," she said. "If they gave out medals for running out on National Guard duty, for disregarding a direct order, or for practically flunking the National Guard pilot's exam, you can bet the President would have taken a principled stand on them, if he had had any principles."

Hughes derided the bravery and valor that led Kerry to get the medal in the first place. "Anyone can get medals," she said. "It's keeping them or throwing them out that's the hard part."

"I don't know if you can get a medal for driving drunk," she said defiantly, "but if you could, the President would have a whole deskful."

The Bush Administration announced today that the new Iraqi interim government they are to transfer power to on June 30 would not be able to make new laws, regulate spending, control armed forces, or govern, but would be permitted to "take out the trash on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"They'll have plenty to do," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

Only 10 weeks from the scheduled transfer of sovereignty, the White House is still uncertain what form of interim government to create.

"We've been considering a 'caretaker' government, a 'gofer' government, a 'custodial' government, a 'babysitter' government, a 'satellite' government, a 'puppet regime,' a mindless bureaucracy, a 'faux' authority, or a 'complete charade,'" said McClellan.

That "government" would remain in "power" until "elections" are held next year, he stated.

"We want Iraqis to know what it means to be truly liberated, to enjoy complete freedom, and to form the government of their choosing," said McClellan.

"Just not today," he added.

"Even a savage can understand what it means to be free, eh, Powell? Free."

"Yes, Mr. President, sir."

"Democracy is the essence of freedom. In a democracy, the People rule. The People have the say. Or at least, their elected leaders have the say for four years, during which they can do whatever they want."

"Yes, sir."

"Democracy, Powell!"

"Yes, sir."

"These savages will accept democracy over my soldiers' dead bodies! We will not yield! We will stay the course! Everyone is entitled to to freedom, and if those infidels can't understand or accept that, we'll have to make them understand!'

"Yes, sir."

"Are you with me, Powell?"

"Yes sir. I 'll try to be."

"You're either with me or against me, Powell. Which is it?"

"I guess I -- I'm with you, sir. Are there any lies or willful misprepresentations you want to make to the United Nations, sir?"

"Not today, Powell. Now, get out."

Two months before the invasion of Iraq, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell warned President Bush about the potential negative consequences of a war, citing what Mr. Powell privately called the "you break it, you own it" rule of military action, according to a new book.

When Bush ordered military forces to invade Iraq, he reportedly told commanding Gen. Tommy Franks, "Make sure you get a receipt."

Today Bush announced that he wanted to exchange Iraq for "a country that welcomes invading Americans with open arms," and noted that he was "willing to take cash," but Iraqis said that they would probably only give him a credit towards the purchase of a fundamentalist Muslim theocracy.

Bush is also irritated because before he can return Iraq, he will have to wait in line for hours at the Iraqi Department of Customer Service.

Bush is prepared to make an impassioned plea. "The country was already broken when we got it," he will say. Bush will add that the "oilfields have never functioned properly" and complain about "an awful ding" in the "left side" of the country.

"We didn't do that," Dick Cheney is to claim.

Fans of the Fox television show "American Idol" tuned in last night and voted immediately and resoundingly to bounce the President from the show.

"It was a one-note performance," said Terry Ackerly of Dented Fender, New Mexico.

Bush performed "Stay the Course," but, according to some fans, was only capable of repeating the same tired phrases in a jerky, halting manner.

"Sometimes it looked like he had totally forgotten the words," said Ackerly.

Simon Cowell was particularly harsh. "I don't know why you think you have a chance in this business," he told Bush, and called it "perhaps the worst performance of Elton John I have ever witnessed."

Randy Jackson said that he was "disappointed" but that "the vocals weren't there," and added that the President "didn't connect with him." Paula Abdul told the President that "she really liked his tie," but that sometimes he was "awfully smirky and a little pitchy."

"You could be fresher and more sincere," said Abdul.

Also Decried Clinton's Failure To Cover Bare-Bosomed Statues

John Ashcroft, testifying today before the 9/11 Commission, laid the blame for the World Trade Center disaster squarely on the shoulders of President Clinton and his government, stating that "their bizarre adherence to established constitutional protections endangered us all."

Ashcroft, who listed the top priorities of the Department Justice as "eradicating bare breasts from the paintings, sculptures, public parks, and the workplace" and "making good Christian music replace rock and hip-hop on FM radio,' lectured the 9/11 Commission on "how hobbled we all are when we give people these so-called rights."

"Better to be safe and in jail than on the street and in danger," said Ashcroft, decrying all these "individual rights people are having."

Ashcroft also assailed the Clinton for what he called "meaningless dithering" about assasinating foreign nationals.

"They couldn't go and blow bin Laden away," said Ashcroft, speaking of the Clinton administration, "because they kept talking about their high and mighty 'rule of law' thingy-do."

"Like it was all that," he added.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has apologized for an incident last week in which a U.S. marshal erased reporters' recordings of a speech Scalia gave to high school students.

As Scalia was apologizing for a previous seizure of the reporters' tapes, he noticed that they were recording his apology, whereupon he ordered federal marshalls to seize the recordings and grind them into dust.

"I have a First Amendment right to destroy the First Amendment rights of others," Scalia later said in a letter apologizing for seizing the recordings of his apology.

In a separate letter, Justice Clarence Thomas concurred.

"I've asked myself a thousand times what more we could have done," Rice said. "I know that had we thought that there was an attack coming in Washington or New York, we would have moved heaven and earth to try and stop it."

Today President Bush said the situation in Iraq had deteriorated to the point where he had no choice "but to declare war on that country."

"I've just become aware that good people are dying out there. Terrorists run rampant, killing people, blowing up oil pipelines, wreaking havoc, maybe just plain reaking. They've got to be stopped."

Bush said that he had recently learned that since May 1, 2003, Iraq has become the "number one nexus of the terrorist activities in the world," and he called it "the nexus of the axis of evil," speaking from his ranch in Texas.

He said that it was a difficult decision but he had "no choice" given the state of the country at this time.

"Whoever is running that country has allowed it to turn into a hornet's nest that threatens the stability of the Middle East, and with it, the safety and security of the United States, and of the world."

Originally published on August 20, 2003.

It seems strangely relevant today.

Rogue Employees Are Top Threat To Nation's Security, Says Rice

Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld gave a joint press conference this morning in which they announced that the greatest threat to the nation's security are "rogue employees" that "threaten to undermine the security and confidence of the nation."

Rumsfeld stressed the importance of building an "impenetrable shield" to stop these former employees from "compromising our future."

Rumsfeld estimated that the shield could cost anywhere between 10 and 100 billion dollars, although private White House estimates place the cost of the shield at 500 billion.

"These disaffected employees have large, terrible axes to grind and if we cannot disarm them, then we must guard against them" said Rumsfeld.

"We are not going to stand idly by and watch revisionists threaten the safety of our nation," said Rice.

A White House aide trusted with sensitive national security information was detained in a "safe house" for weeks after he accidentally ordered a "no-holds-barred, resurrected, non-functioning ICBM missile shield" instead of a double-shot no foam nonfat latte at a D.C. Starbucks in early September of 2001.

"It was a natural mistake," the aide, Kenneth Katonka III, said. "At the White Hosue and Pentagon we ate, drank, and slept missile shields. So I ordered one."

"Yes, we wanted a $100 billion missile shield," said Rumsfeld. "But I also wanted a latte. Mr. Katonka got the orders confused."

News of Katonka's detention reignited the firestorm burning in Washington over whether the Bush Administration incompetently missed the boat in predicting that the worst threat to America would be Saddam Hussein's development of huge nuclear missiles that could threaten the United States.

"So we were a little off," said Rumsfeld.

Condy Rice denied that there was much emphasis on a missile shield, despite a speech she was scheduled to make on September 11, 2001 making the creation of a missile shield to protect the U.S. against "rogue ICBM's" the cornerstone of U.S. national security policy.

"Mr. Katonka's account is simply, completely, utterly false," she said. "I wanted a caramel machiatto."

Will Also Permit Witnesses To Testify Jointly And Simultaneously

The U.S. Court system is adopting an entirely new set of rules for testimonial evidence today in recognition of the 9/11 Commission's novel and persuasively convenient methods of gathering evidence, a spokesman for all American courts said today.

The 9/11 Commission's apparent acceptance of President Bush's offer to testify jointly with Dick Cheney has "revolutionized the taking of testimony in courts everywhere," said legal expert Prof. Dozey Doats.

"Not requiring witnesses to testify under oath and not formally recording their statements totally streamlines the judicial process as we know it," said Prof. Doats. "Why didn't we think of this before?"

As soon as the new rules were announced, prospective witnesses all over America came forward to testify in secret with each other before courts not recording their testimony.

"Being able to testify with your friends is a lot more fun than testifying alone," said 8 year-old Jill Beets, an eyewitness from Montclair, Nebraska, who testified recently at a murder trial jointly with ten of her "bestest" friends.

"I can understand why President Bush wants to testify along with Vice-President Cheney," she said. "Testifying is scary and sometimes you just want someone big to hold your hand."

Seek to Declassify Her Private 9/11 Testimony, Too

Republican Congressional leaders said Friday that they would seek to declassify past Congressional testimony from Richard A. Clarke, President Bush's former counterterrorism chief, in an effort to demonstrate that the former aide had lied this week about Mr. Bush's record.

Rice recently asked the Commission for the opportunity to testify privately before them a second time, but not under oath, and only while speaking through a large hand puppet.

"It is our view that use of the hand puppet would give Ms. Rice plausible deniability, should anyone challenge her statements," said Michael Musto, a new spokesman for the White House. "If that happens, we will just blame it on the hand puppet."

For her part, Rice categorically denied lying to the Comission in her previous testimony. Rice said that it would be "revisionist history" to say that she was lying when she said that she wasn't lying when she lied before.

"We just want the American people to have the truth," she said of the most famously secretive government in America's history.

"Cross Dick 's heart," she added.

Would Really Rather Not Be Mentioned, He Says

In a startling development in arguments before the Supreme Court yesterday, God appeared and asked to have his name removed from the pledge of allegiance.

"I'd really rather not be bothered," God said. "I'm very busy, and, while I try, in my infinite omniscience, to listen to every girl and boy in America, the pledge is really just a mindless recitation that muddies up the Holy airwaves with empty, patriotic static."

God cautioned that he had nothing against patriotism and that he very much enjoyed almost every rendition of the Star Stangled Banner.

"I'm not a heathen," he said.

Department of Homeland Security Not Secure, He Explains

Tom Ridge asked the White House to create a new cabinet-level position in response to his growing awareness that the Department of Homeland Security is not sufficiently secure.

"Many of the locks don't work," said Ridge at a press conference today. "Anybody can just walk in here. I had a donut and coffee on my desk that just disappeared."

Ridge called on President Bush to create a "Secretary of Homeland Security Security."

Ridge suggested surrounding the building with an 18-foot-high concrete fence to keep out intruders, and starting an inquiry to determine "who drew a mustache on my picture of President Bush."

"The first place to start with security is our own back yard," said Ridge. "And I could use some barb wire and an outdoor grill that you can put 30,000 volts through."

Dear Members of the 9/11 Commission,

It is with great regret that I write that, unlike every other invited government official, I will not be able to testify before you.

It's not because I won't talk about the Bush Administration's record on counterterrorism to anyone. I do talk about it -- to anyone at any time. I talked about it with Rush Limbaugh, with Larry King, I talked to the Washington Post, the New York Times, The Sacramento Bee, Mad Magazine. I even went on Meet the Press. Yesterday I cornered my postman and talked his ear off for an hour about that ruthlessly dishonest Richard Clarke. I talked to my cat Licks about terrorism for about three hours this morning.

No, it's not that I won't talk about the matters that the Commission is interested in questioning me about. It's because I can't. You see, I suffer in secret from a terrible malady: I have Swearing-Induced Investigatory Commission Immune Deficiency Syndrome. If I testify under oath before an investigatory committee on a matter of the utmost importance to our nation, my entire body will swell up until I burst, suffocate, and implode.

My terrible condition has only recently been diagnosed. It is amplified by the fact that I am allergic to Lying Like A Rug Under Oath Disorder, also known as Llaruod-itis. Although I am fully capable of misrepresenting and even fabricating out of whole cloth "facts" to the American people, I have an as-yet-intractable aversion to lying under oath to them. I am undergoing treatment for this condition, and I hope that someday I will be able to dissemble under oath in the future.

So you see, I cannot testify before this distinguished and most important Commission.

I have a note from a doctor.

"Dr." Condoleezza Rice
National Security Council
A Corner Office In The White House With Lots of Toys For The President To Play With When I'm Meeting With Him
Gaptooth, Wisconsin

Flash of Giant Diamond-Studded Belt Buckle Was Key, Say Generals

Pakistani troops in the area of Waziristan report that they have surrounded Elvis Presley and expect to capture him within days. They also assert they are close to a cure for cancer.

Pakistani forces were directed to several villages in Waziristan after flashes of brilliant light reflected from Elvis's belt buckle burned out the image sensors of a U.S. spy satellite hovering overhead. Suspicions were also aroused by the heavy importation of fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches into the area.

"We are not finding Elvis just because because it is the anniversary of the war in , which we have been told to call the war on terror, and because Secretary Powell just named us a non-NATO U.S. ally and bribed us with access to U.S. weaponry, foreign aid and money that we could only have dreamed of some short time ago," said Pakistani leader General Musharraf.

"This is simply a most fortuitous coincidence the like of which would have surprised even Charles Dickens," he said.

Waziristan, best known for being thought to be a fictional locale invented by Dr. Suess, is also known to harbor aliens, U.F.O's, and a Bush Administration offical who speaks only the truth.

Justice Antonin Scalia rejected demands that he recuse himself from a case involving Vice-President after the Vice President footed the bill for an expensive vacation that he and took together.

"If it is reasonable to think that a Supreme Court justice can be bought so cheap, the nation is in deeper trouble than I had imagined," Justice Scalia wrote in a 21-page memorandum bristling with defiance.

Today, in response to the memo, the Supreme Court unanimously (8-0) declared that the nation is in deeper trouble than Scalia imagines.

"Whenever you have to write 21-pages explaining why there's no appearance of impropriety, there's an appearance of impropriety," said a poorly disguised David Souter in a diner near the Courthouse.

Scalia emphasized in his memo that he "never hunted in the same blind with the vice president," although he did acknowledge occasionally "sharing the same buckshot," "telling the same jokes," and "sharing the same utterly arrogant, fascist view of our own power and authority."

Insurgents misunderstanding the meaning of the Americans' "March Madness" have been celebrating the month with explosions, exchanges of shoulder-launched grenades, and chaos. Insurgents were shocked to discover that "March Madness" referred to a popular basketball tournament.

"We thought we were going along with the moment," said stunned insurgent Ismed Pallavi, "We have been creating the March Mayhem, just like all other Americans."

Pallavi was absolutely amazed that "March Madness" meant that he was supposed to enter a betting pool and spend the next several weeks camped out in front of a TV.

"Do I still have time to put some money down on Gonzaga?" he asked.

Professor Irving Mayhew noted that this was just another example of how the gulf between cultural norms in radically different societies can lead to violence.

"The solution is to teach Moslems to love college basketball," he said.

Political pundits lodged all over the mediascape declared today that Kerry's "foreign leaders" statement -- that some foreign leaders had confided in Kerry that he wanted him to win the Presidential election -- will be the single-most important issue in the campaign.

The question for most voters will not be "where does Kerry stand on health care," or "what is his position on jobs or foreign policy," but "when did he say it," and "did he know, when he said it, what he was saying?"

President Bush called Kerry out recently, daring him to name one foreign leader that wanted Kerry to be elected, but Kerry declined, saying that "it would save considerable time if I just named the leaders that didn't."

In a recent poll conducted by Karl Rove, nine out of ten Americans feel that John Kerry's "foreign leaders" claim would be more important to them in choosing a candidate than the current President's abysmal handling of the economy, the war in , and Dick 's ties to Halliburton.

After a long period of brooding, Al Gore has decided to ask for a recount of the nine Justices' votes in the 2000 election, alleging that "improper vote counting techniques" had resulted in a wrong decision.

"It should have been 4-5, not 5-4. Sandra Day O'Connor assures me that she thought she was voting for me and not Mr. Bush when she wrote her concurring opinion," said Gore at a news conference today.

Justice Clarence Thomas, in a recent speech at Howard University, said that he thought that he had voted for Pat Buchanan.

Mr. Gore is presently collecting the Supreme Court ballots and intends to deliver them to the Palm Beach County Board of Elections for the recount.

Move Necessary To Secure Hispanic Vote, Says White House

President Bush, determined to lock up the all-important Hispanic vote in America, joined the Socialist Party today. "I want the people of Mexico to know that I sympathize with their terrible tragedy and that I'm there for them," said Bush.

"He meant to say Spain," said an advisor.

Bush is to fly immediately to Spain for a photo opportunity with Spain's new Prime Minister, Socialist Party leader Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero.

"If we can't line up a pic with Zapatero, we're willing to fly Bush for a picture with anyone who looks like they might be Hispanic or, at least speaks Spanish," said a senior White House official. White House aides were said to be looking to arrange a picture of the President offering a giant plastic taco on a platter to Spanish troops in . There was some discussion of photoshopping it.

"The age of digital photo opportunities has arrived," said "el jefe Karl Rove del Valencia," as he will henceforth be known. "Look, if we can digitally correct the President's speeches for campaign ads, what's the problem with creating photos out of whole cloth? No es una problema, claro."

Alan Greenspan acknowledged recently that George W. Bush's almost fetishistic tax cuts could, indeed, make it impossible to fund Social Security, but said that it should not be a problem as long as senior citizens were given expiration dates upon which they were required to expire.

Expiration dates could be easily tattooed on the back of Americans' necks, Greenspan said. He also proposed that the expiration requirement contain a grandfather clause permitting the continued existence of extremely wealthy grandfathers.

Asked if rolling back the tax cuts was a more reasonable option than such drastic measures, Greenspan replied, "The tax cuts were absolutely necessary to allow Americans to live in a robust economy."

"For at least a little while," he added.

A recent initiative by Democrats to form a "shadow government" critical of the Bush Administration, on everything from foreign policy to domestic spending, violates natural and legislated laws against human cloning, say Republicans.

"This is spitting in the face of God, pure and simple," said House Majority leader Tom Delay. "It's an outrage."

Some have been urging the Democrats to create a "shadow government" -- in which a person or opposition party comments on what the people in power are doing and describes an alternate course -- but now the GOP says it is illegal.

"You see what happens when you let stem cell research go unchecked? This is precisely the kind of conduct we proscribed," said Delay. "Next thing you know, there will be two Bill Clintons."

The Democrats have created a "shadow White House" -- mostly from Legos -- a shadow cabinet, a shadow Capitol Building, and "what's the most fun," according to Terry Griebling of Menachem's List, "is the shadow Air Force One, which we're hoping we can get to fly." The shadow Air Force One is presently a large model of a plane that Democrats can put on their heads like a hat and run around with while saying "whoosh!" and "vrroom, vrooom!"

The shadow government has been formed by a coalition of some well-funded anti-Bush, pro-Democratic organizations, such as Move-On.org, Get-Out.net, and Go-Away.com.

In other news, Republicans revealed that they are against using "soft money" donations to benefit Democrats. "We're pretty much against most types of campaign finance reform, but we're very much in favor of strong restrictions on the financing of Democratic campaigns," said a spokesman for the RNC.

In a new article out this afternoon investigative journalist Murray Waas reports that in an FBI interview last October Karl Rove admitted that "he circulated and discussed damaging information regarding CIA operative Valerie Plame with others in the White House, outside political consultants, and journalists."

Rove also apparently mentioned "at least six other administration officials who were involved in the effort to discredit Wilson."

However, Rove insisted that he did this only after Plame's name appeared in Novak's column; and that he was not Novak's source.

Fans of Karl Rove were relieved to hear that Rove and six other White House officials only maimed and tortured Joseph Wilson's and Valerie Plame's reputations only after some "other, less moral" person illegally had leaked Plame's identity to Robert Novak.

"I'm so happy to know that Karl's motives and methods are still unimpeachable," said Lissa Crappollinio, President of the Roviators, a prominent Rove fan club.

"He's so dreamy," she sighed.

Rove and six other White House offiicials, acting under Rove's direction to "make Wilson wish he'd never been born," and to put Plame's career "so deep in the toilet it'll only surface in a Beijing outhouse" definitely "didn't make one slur" before Novak "signalled the start of the campaign," Rove told the FBI.

The FBI interview with Rove had a rocky start at first, according to FBI Special Agent Howard Abstruse. "He kept saying, 'Do you know who I am? Do you? Do you know who the f--- you're dealing with?' And we'd say, yes, that's why we came to the White House to talk to you. And then he'd just start all over again."

"Boy, we all can breathe easier now that we now that we know that he just took someone's else's plan to discredit Wilson by ruining his wife's life," said Crappollinio.

"What a man," she sighed.

Could Last Until Thursday, Some Say

In a watershed development in the history of Iraq, the interim constitution signed today by the Governing Council is reported to appear to be still signed as late as this afternoon, reports the Washington Post.

Moslem factions in the governing council were said to be quite happy with the document, which they said "makes a great dish towel," and "is suitable for flaming."

Some of the governing council had stronger feelings about the constitution. "This law, it suck," said council member Boswani Madbitten, "I spit on it while I sign it. I take law out to woodshed and beat it with stick, and then I sign it."

Bob Tonsil of the soon-to-be-formed American Embassy in Iraq, said, "We've made real progress. This piece of paper will easily wipe out the virulent ethnic and religious infighting that has fractured for the past century."

He was optimistic about reopening the Embassy soon. "I'm really looking forward to opening the embassy, living in a building, and eating food," he said.

Earlier Refusal Was Simply Ploy To Build Excitement, Says Sheik

Iraqi Shiites claimed that their refusal to sign the interim Iraqi constitution last week was just a "device to build dramatic tension," said representatives of Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani after today's signing.

"Wasn't that great? Wasn't that a cliffhanger with a magnificent surprise ending?" said Fouad Pajami, Professor of History of Mideastern Cinema at NorthWestern University. "They always intended to sign it, but isn't it more fun this way? They want to make sure that is the nation everyone loves to watch and they are succeeding."

"We've got some real twists and turns set up for the coming elections," said Butwad al'Futari, "Riots, some explosions -- but in the end everything will work out, and we will all hug. Kind of like an episode of Seventh Heaven."

Pajami indicated that al'Futari was largely correct, but said that he was probably thinking of the Iraqi hourlong family drama, "Seventh Circle of Heaven."

Precious Resources Diverted To Fight Against "Phantom Foe"

For the past 18 months, the hunt for al Qaeda and bin Laden was starved for resources that had been diverted to mounting a no-holds-barred offensive against a shadowy opponent that GOP members claimed "threatened the very security of the American nation."

That enemy was Senate Democrats, according to a report filed by the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms today.

According to the report, GOP aides diverted resources from the hunt for Osama to engage in unauthorized and possibly illegal spying on Senate Democrats in what they are now calling "a war of necessity."

Orrin Hatch assailed the practice, saying he was "shocked -- shocked" to hear of it -- and added that he "couldn't believe that William Bennett was gambling either."

Hatch and other Senate Republicans were pleased that, despite the unpleasantness, crucial resources diverted to the "secret war" have now been freed up, and "finally the U.S. can start hunting Osama 24/7."

"Concentrating all our resources on searching for bin Laden every hour of every day is a great idea," said White House spokesperson Squid Molineaux. "I wonder why we didn't think of it before?"

After George W. Bush called John Kerry on Tuesday night to congratulate him on apparently securing the Democratic nomination, President Bush called himself to "let me know how appreciative and impressed I am at my having locked up the GOP nomination."

"It seemed like the natural and right thing to do," said Bush, recounting the phone call to several captive aides the next day.

The first couple times Bush called he got a busy signal. "Apparently I was talking to someone else, " he said.

"When I did get through, we had a nice conversation. I was very warm and personable."

Bush explained his phone calls. "I did it because I'm engaged in politics. I follow it closely. I guess you could say I'm married to it."

"I sure hope it doesn't divorce me," Bush added. "I would hate to pay the alimony."

Today, Dick Cheney brushed aside speculation that he might consider replacing himself with someone else on Bush's re-election ticket.

"I've asked me to serve with Bush on the ticket again for the next four years," said Cheney in an interview with Fox News. "I told me I'm happy to do that and as long as I want me in that spot, I plan to serve," he said.

Cheney continued, "I don't know of anyone else who can pose as vice-president and totally run the country as well as I have, in accord with my wishes. I don't think anyone else could do as good a job running the country as I've dictated it should be run."

Asked whether Bush should make the decision as to who fills the Vice President's slot on the GOP ticket, Cheney said, "He already has. I told him what to decide last Tuesday."

President Bush, in the spirit of fully cooperating with the 9/11 commission, has agreed to permit them to ask him twenty questions in a closed session on a Sunday behind the old gnarled oak tree next to the Thomas Jefferson memorial in the dead of night under a new moon during the Year of the Ox.

"We're confident that this compromise is one which the commission will gladly accept," said Scott McClellan. The compromise was the result of "meeting halfway" between the unlimited numbers of questions under oath in an open session that the commission wanted and the President's initial offer of no questions whatsoever in a closed session with a representative of the President, a norwegian hedgehog named Bruce.

Thomas Kean, chairman of the commission, is to ask the first question of the President, namely, "Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?". The last question is expected to be "Does it require specific knowledge to use it?"

"We're pretty sure it's either a verb, or a secret," said vice-chair Lee Hamilton.

"We need to know what went wrong on 9/11 in order to make sure we're doing everything we can to make this country secure," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "The President feels that there is nothing more important than making this country secure -- except, perhaps, getting reelected."

Could Trip And Fall, Says Document

The White House recently became concerned about a Pentagon report warning of potential serious problems Bush could face as a result of a "footwear failure" that could "trigger a tragedy."

The report notes that Bush could fall and "skin his knee," causing him discomfort or "embarrassing the nation," and cautioned that a fall into a visiting Prime Minster or during a State visit could "ruin relations with foreign nations for years to come."

The White house has convened a commission to advise the President on the dangers of failing adequately to "secure his podiatric device" and possible remedies, such as "redundant reinforcement" -- double-knotting -- and expects a report as soon as July.

The White House has been so busy with the shoelace report, the general election campaign, and banning gay marriage, that it has not had time to look into a Pentagon report presaging a world disaster --including rioting, nuclear disaster, and apocalypse -- if global warming is not stopped, said Scott McClellan.

"Oh, we have plenty of time," said McClellan. "We have until 2020 before the world as we know it ceases to exist."

New Laws Good Until Fall of 2005, Says Rove

President Bush, having discovered the power of the "recess appointment" with his elevation of Judges Charles Pickering and William Pryor to higher courts, has invented the "recess bill," which he contends permits him to legally enact laws when Congress is not in session.

Bush said he felt the "recess bill" was a magnificent invention, and that he planned to pass several "recess amendments" to the Constitution banning gay marriage, giving more electoral votes to so-called "red states" and declaring that "just signing up for National Guard duty prior to 1990 constitutes military combat duty for purposes of a political election."

In the meantime, all GOP members of Congress have been denominated "High Priests of the Homeland" under President Bush's new "Religiosity" law passed yesterday.

"May the Lord and all wealthy corporations bless his little born-again soul," said Father Bill Frist (R- Tenn.).

Machinery Of Democracy Not Working Yet

J. Paul Bremer noted yesterday that technical difficulties could delay Iraq elections for up to 15 months.

"The machinery of democracy is in need of repair," he said. He explained that the U.S had over six thousand sprockets of equal rights on order and that "the government transparency module" was out of whack. Also, the United States appears to have been overcharged -- by contractor Halliburton -- for seven hundred thousand Free Speech widgets by $23 billion dollars.

"And there are a number of other technical problems delaying elections -- like the enormous number of religious Shiites who want to make this country into a fundamentalist Moslem theocracy," Bremer added.

Bleb Fusillade, a janitor for the Institute of Middle East Studies, commented, "We didn't bring the right tools, we had the wrong parts and we forgot to read the manual."

Democracy in Iraq took yet another giant step forward today as Iraqi Shiites moved to reshape the Sunni triangle into the "tiny Sunni hexagon," and asked that it be excluded from elections "because it has six tiny sides."

Iraqi Sunnis protested, noting that their knowledge of Euclidian geometry showed that the shiites were trying to reduce them from a three-dimensional area to a one-dimensional point.

"It is not fair," said Suad Mothammi, a prominent Sunni cleric and mathematician. "The Shiites want to limit the election to only those people who will vote for them. I thought that you could only get away with that in Florida."

J. Paul Bremer, the U.S. overseer with godlike powers of authority over in , said that he was satisfied that Democracy would "find its way" despite what he called "quibbling" over "little things like votes."

"There's more to democracy than voting," said Bremer. "There's governing -- by which I mean soliciting campaign contributions and keeping your donors happy."

Goal Was To Excite Republican Base

In a bid to make the budget more "campaign-friendly," the 2004 Budget the White released recently contained a nude pictorial on George W. Bush, including a gatefold and a section on "What I Hate" and "Things I Love."

While critics have dubbed the budget a "glorified campaign brochure," others have said that it was a desperate ploy to keep people from actually reading the budget.

"I think they just wanted folks to shudder with disgust and dump all twelve volumes in the garbage. That way no one would know they didn't even include Iraq and Afghanistan war expenditures in there, to start." said Floyd Plume, a reporter for the National Gasket.

Stalwart members of the GOP were also turned off by the pics, saying they would have preferred pictorials on luxury yachts and private jets.

In the future, the White House plans to accept advertisements for the budget, in order to defray the expense of spending increases.

"We want the budget to kind of be the Superbowl of print media," said an unidentified source. "We're hoping for, like, 10 pages from Budweiser alone."

Former college roommates of George W. Bush brandished allegations that Bush had engaged in "sexual relations" with the Jane Fonda video "Barbarella."

Bush allegedly spent a great deal of time with the video, called it "her," and made everyone leave the room when he was "on a date" with it. The roommates had agreed upon a code they used to signal when they needed the room to themselves, and whenever George was watching Barbarella, he hung his jockstrap on the front doorknob.

Bush reportedly slept with the Barbarella video under his pillow; he refused to let any of us roomies watch it, claiming that they were trying to steal "his girlfriend," said roommate Casparagus "Woofty" Kling III, heir to the Woofty Clothes Softener fortune.

"Now that I recall his relationship with "Hanoi Jane" Fonda, I question his ability to lead the troops," said Woofty. "Not to mention that he also hung out with that hooker in Klute."

A former intern who Matt Drudge claimed had had an affair with John Kerry called those allegations untrue, and released several photographs allegedly documenting an affair between John Kerry and Matt Drudge that had "gone on for years."

One photo shows Matt Drudge wearing his trademark goofy hat at a Washington fundrasier for desperate journalists; Kerry can be seen leaning over the hors d'oevres table seventy feet in the background. Kerry's hair appears to be munching on some skewered shrimp.

Another photograph shows John Kerry at a football game: a slightly out-of-focus Drudge is being tossed out of the press booth by legitimate sports reporters several rows up in the background.

"Obviously, these two were involved," said the intern.

The former Kerry intern, Blubba Iphagenia Fisk, intimated that news that rumors that Kerry and Drudge were once involved in a torrid affair was sending both Kerry and Drudge's spin factories into overtime preparing for what she called "a media onslaught."

The New York Times immediately published an article highlighting that insinuations entitled "Is it ethical to publish unsubstantiated assertions of bipartisan homosexual romping by Presidential candidate John Kerry?"

The White House is losing patience with America's preoccupation with President Bush's lies about his National Guard duty and records, said Scott McClellan.

"We tell far more important lies every day," leaked Press Secretary McClellan. "America should be concerned with what President Bush is saying today, not what he said yesterday."

Patty Flagellum, of the National Institute for the Study of Bush's Untruths, explained that the public is confused. "Allegations that the President lied about were relatively easy for Americans to understand," she said. "With the National Guard, it is hard to see where the lies are. Was President Bush lying about being AWOL in the National Guard, not being AWOL but lying about it anyway, or --regardless of the AWOL issue -- simply lying to Tim Russert when he promised to release the records?"

"There are so many possible lies, it's a staggeringly difficult job to sort them out. That's where we come in," said Flagellum, who maintains a staff of over three hundred who track, chart, graph, and organize the President's "lacks of truth."

"The National Guard issue is just one tiny flap. We have to cover all of the untruths spoken on every conceivable issue."

"This really would have been impossible before the invention of the computer," said Flagellum.

A former American Airlines pilot -- who lost his job after he asked all the Christians on a recent flight to raise their hands, told the other passengers to "discuss their faith" with them, and then called non-Christians crazy -- was hired today to pilot Airforce One. According to White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "This guy sounds like our kind of people."

McClellan also explained that the President likes to get everyone on the plane raising their hands except Paul Wolfowitz, "who gets really pissed off."

"It's a hoot," said McClellan. "Everybody's waving their hands, and telling Wolfowitz, 'Come on, Paul, talk to us,' and Wolfowitz gets all red. It's really funny."

Attorney General John Ashcroft was said to be outraged when American Airlines took disciplinary action against the pilot. Ashcroft was poring over private records of women who had sought partial-birth abortions when he heard the news.

"God was that man's co-pilot," said Ashcroft. "The Holy Ghost was his in-flight navigator. His stewardess was Mary and his ground crew was probably Joseph. I can't tell you who refueled his plane, but I'll get back to you just as soon as I've replaced the Constitution with a copy of my personal bible."

Update: Lars Doornbos has illustrated this story. Go visit him here! You have to scroll down to the February 10 entry, no permalinks, sorry.

Cross-posted on the Daily News Online.

President Bush: There was no doubt in my mind that Saddam Hussein was a danger to America.
Tim Russert : In what way?
President Bush: Well, because he had the capacity to have a weapon, make a weapon. . . . But he had the capacity to make a weapon and then let that weapon fall into the hands of a shadowy terrorist network.

Bush alleged that Hussein may have been ready to connect to the infamous Acme corporation, and that "he could have purchased Acme Rocket Shoes and Acme Instant Exploding Birdseed from an African nation."

Bush also noted that he was concerned that, had he not invaded Iraq, Hussein might eventually have joined forces with the Riddler. "Riddle me this, Tim," Bush drawled. "When is a non-threat really a threat? When he can become a threat."

He also said that Saddam had massive quantities of hypothetical weapons that he could some day develop and manufacture. "These hypothetical wepaons were everywhere, but they hadn't been made yet, which is why the inspectors couldn't find them. It was a diabolically clever ruse. It would have succeeded except for the fact that I invaded Iraq and disarmed him."

"Give a Doctor Octopus a batch of hypothetical weapons, and I don't think he'd sit around not using them, Tim."

Tim Russert pressed Bush for answers. "But isn't Doctor Octopus an imaginary villain? A comic book chracter?"

Bush answered, "I would be careful not to denigrate the Guard. The National Guard is a fine institution, and many of our men serve with honor in it, here and in Iraq."

In a moment that Dick Cheney called "a telephonic malfunction," aides to Dick Cheney revealed Valerie Plame's role as an undercover CIA officer to the whole country while entire families were watching episodes of "Survivor: White Trash Mountains of West Virginia" and "American Idol: The Golden Calf."

"It was disgusting," said Carlos Influenza of North Bend, Wyoming. "We were sitting down with our TV dinners for a wholesome evening of entertainment when, all of a sudden, the Administration flaunted this woman's non-official cover right in our faces. Little Timmy was shocked. We had to tell him all about covert operations years before he was ready for it."

The Bush Administration, which supposedly vetted the activities of the Vice-President's office, claimed that they had no knowledge of the incident before it occurred. "In rehearsals, neither 'Scooter' Libby nor John Hannah leaked in any way," said Scott McClellan.

A thorough examination of White House telephones is under way. It is said that the White House is considering forcing Libby and Hannah to attend Sunday's Grammy Awards as punishment for the debacle.

The Offices of the United States Senate were closed today when a vial of what appeared to be Botox turned up in package found in the office of Sen. Earl Hollings.

Capitol employees were shaken by the discovery, which sent Senators and myriad aides scurrying home with clipboards held up to conceal their foreheads.

Representative Tom Delay declared this "the most ominous act of domestic terrorism" he had seen in a long time. There was not a wrinkle to be seen in Mr. Delay's face.

This marks the third time the Capitol has been closed in recent weeks. "First the nip and tuck scandal, then the silicon scare, and now this," said the ever-youthful Sen. John Breaux. "It's chilling."

Rumors were circulating that a search of the Senate Office building after the Botox discovery turned up countless bottles of Grecian Formula 2000 and black hair dye.

"Actually, I'm glad that the offices are closed," said Majority Leader Bill Frist. "It keeps discretionary spending down."

Headline and inspiration by Kevin Hayden of The American Street, where this story is cross-posted.

Rove In Denial

Sen. Joseph Lieberman, after dropping out of the race for the Democratic nomination, announced that he was vying for the Republicans'. Lieberman has every expectation that he will tie up the "moderate Republican" vote and carry the party.

"George W. Bush ran as a moderate and turned out to be a fanatical rightwing conservative. I will run as moderate Republican and be a conservative right-wing Democrat. I expect to win the nomination handily," said a suave, confident Lieberman this morning.

Karl Rove was said to be confident that the power of a few wealthy extreme right-wing conservatives was greater than that of the numerous middle-class moderate Republicans.

"When has a populist Republican candidate ever won?" asked Rove.

Lieberman said that Rove was right, but this wouldn't stop him. "Yes, the populist Republican candidate who ran in 2000 lost the general election.

"But he became President anyway."

Why are we talking about Ricin?

In today's more secure American environment, everyone needs to know about Ricin.

Why are we talking about Ricin now? We captured Saddam and the world is safer than it was before.

Listen, we'd be talking about Ricin a lot more if Saddam hadn't been captured.

What ever happened to those Anthrax mailers?

We're talking about Ricin here.

We never caught the people who did it, did we?

This is about Ricin! Forget about the anthrax.

How is the country safer if some guy who mailed Anthrax all over the United States is still at large?

We're talking about Ricin, damn it! Ricin! An amount the size of a grain of salt can kill you!

I thought you said we were worried about dirty bombs.

Today, we're worried about Ricin.

How come we're not doing anything about Pakistan? I heard they actually passed nuclear secrets to some of the "Axis of Evil."

Ricin could be anywhere. You can make it at home, easily and inexpensively.

And isn't bin Laden hiding in South Pakistan? How come the Pakistani government won't let us in there? Isn't our national security at stake? What are we really doing to stop terrorism?

Here. Have some Ricin.

I don't feel any safer.

Awards ceremonies positively took over Opinions You Should Have for the third day in a row, as Tony Blair and George Bush were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Other nominations included Saddam Hussein, for "Most Benevolent Dictator," Dick Cheney for "Handsomest American," and former Alabama Chief Judge Roy Moore for "Champion of the Separation between Church and State."

The Nobel prize institution, which has been criticized in recent years for being "overly political" and "just silly," took pains to emphasize that the nominations this year reflected a "new seriousness," rather "a complete surrender to the absence of judgment and thought in selecting nominees," as some have said.

"George Bush brilliantly used the military to force peace upon the war-loving is," said Pietra Sjordihorgi, a Swiss philanthropist who tortures small animals to stop animal abuse.

Silica Myoderovich, a Russian scientist who boils old sneakers in order to ameliorate foul smells, commented, "Pre-preemptive war -- involving the use of military force to prevent the contemplation of activities seeking to start programs that might be focused on the development of possible weapons that could be used to start hypothetical wars -- is a brilliant idea."

"It is deserving of some form of pre-recognition," he said, turning on the Superbowl.

The long-awaited "Capture of Osama bin Laden" is in preproduction for a fall release, says an excited U.S. military. The film is expected to do "boffo business" at polling places all over America.

"We've already filmed some of the essential 'weapons and money found in Osama's hiding place' shots, and location scouts are narrowing in on a site for principal photography," said General Clive O'Selznick O'Hara, of the U.S. Army's 4th Cinematography Division.

"I have some brilliant ideas for shooting 'Osama," brilliant," said Col. David Stokes. "I can't say what exactly, but it's going to make the most spectacular use of flashbacks."

Special effects experts are busy planning shots of George W. Bush presenting Bin Laden, trussed like a turkey, on a platter to the American people.

"Bush will have a halo from a tightly focused ellipsoidal spot with slightly-shuttered barn doors and maybe an orange gel that we're strategically placing in the distance behind his head, or we can add it in post," said Cheryl Coccaphoon of the 2d Light Engineer's Batallion.

The Army is to apply for shooting permits in the "No Man's Land" in the south of Pakistan, but have been unable to determine yet who precisely has jurisdiction over the area.

Cross-posted at The American Street.

At the suggestion of Karl Rove, Republicans are trying to get the unnamed Democratic candidate back into the race for President. Polls indicate that President Bush could have an edge over an unnamed Democratic opponent of 51 to 41.

"That's either percentage points or numbers of justices on a greatly expanded Supreme Court," explained pollster Jilly Ferprume.

Polls now indicate that the President may not do as well against a named Democratic opponent, such as John Kerry.

"We're trying very hard to get the unnamed candidate back into the race, but he has been reluctant," said Sam Guffren, a Republican advisor who wished to be quoted anonymously.

"He's short on funds, and he's been able to get this far on sheer name recognition alone," said Guffren, "but that's changing."

Only Decision Remaining Is Which One Will Be President

Democrats were relieved to finally settle on a Democratic Dream Team Ticket consisting of Wesley Clark, John Edwards, John Kerry, and Howard Dean, even though neither the candidates nor the voters can decide exactly who should run for what.

"I want John Edwards, with John Kerry as Veep, Wesley Clark as Secretary of State, Howard Dean as the secret White House senior aid helping set domestic policy, and mustard and ketchup on the side," said Molly Hickok of Michafluen, Idaho.

"I totally agree," said Harmon Strum of Kentucky. "Except I want Kerry as President and some fries."

"It's so hard to decide," said Sally Weckleman of Ohio. "Everything looks so good."

"It''s good that Iowa and New Hampshire helped winnow the field from Howard Dean to Dean, Kerry, Edwards, and Clark," said Hugo Glockenspiel, an expatriated American living in Austin, Texas.

Glockenspiel hoped that the Democrats would finalize the ticket on February 3rd's "Super Tuesday," with its five primaries and two caucuses in seven states.

"I just hope that that won't narrow the field to the original nine," said Glockenspiel.

Today, the White House garnered a host of nominations in a crowded field for this year's Academy Awards, stunning director Peter Jackson and actors Tobe Maguire and Uma Thurman.

George W. Bush was named for Best Actor, "for his depiction of an utterly carefree man blissfully leading the nation into war."

Karl Rove was named in the Best Director category for his "stunning manipulation of a difficult medium," and Dick was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay for his "scripting of scenario after scenario based on a work of fiction."

Bush was praised for his "convincing portrait of someone actually leading the country" and appearing "almost lifelike" by Sigourney Weaver, who announced the nominations this morning.

"Donald Rumsfeld was not a surprise," said Sid Fleckman of Variety. "The war was stunning. It may not have shocked and awed the is, but it certainly wowed us back home!"

Fleckman especially praised the nine-hour long POV shots from tanks driving at breakneck pace through hundreds of miles of desert.

The White House also garnered nominations for Best Cinematography for its depiction of Bush casually surprising a bunch of handpicked soldiers while holding a fake turkey.

"Now that's Hollywood," said Fleckman.

Dear Antonin,

I and the "boys" would like to thank you for another wonderful time shooting "them thar ducks." You're right -- we should put them in a barrel next time.

I heard that Sandra Day was saying I'm a lousy shot. So I miss a few now and then. Just because I call the shots at the White House doesn't mean I can do the same thing with a shotgun! Har-har.

I hear they've just invented an amphibious monster RV at prices that start at a mere 850 grand. Next year we should get one of those babies and take it on the lake. That thing -- it's got gold and marble in every inch of it and -- gets about a quarter of a mile to a gallon. I love it. I'm going to have the Pentagon buy ten thousand of them, and offer tax breaks to anyone who picks one up.

Listen, I know you've been taking some heat about sitting in on my upcoming case. You better rule for me, or I'll leak that your wife is a CIA spy! (Just kidding.)

I don't want you to favor me just because we're hunting friends. Or because I hired your son as Acting Solicitor of Labor. Or because I get you tickets to stuff. Or because I take you to fancy dinners. Or because my oil runs your car.

I don't want you to favor me. (If anyone asks, you can tell them I said that.) I am not in the pocket of energy companies. They're in mine! Hyuck. (Don't tell them I said that!)

Antonin. What the hell kind of a name is that? Maybe I should call you Ant. "Hey, Ant, why don't you crawl over to the cooler and bring me over a beer!"

Keep your antennae out and keep your tiny head down. (Hey, you know I luv ya, ya big galoot!)

The "Dick" ()

Spending Will Halve Deficit, Says Prez

President Bush today fired the opening salvo in his reelection campaign in Ohio, announcing that he plans to pour a half billion dollars in credit card cash advances into "Lack of Job Training for the 21st Century."

The money is to be spent helping people adapt to the needs of emerging industries in the George W. Bush domestic economy. Under the program, training for everyone from young college students to retirees will be available in the growing fields of bankruptcy, unemployment counseling, and building homeless shelters. There will also be training for Repo Men.

"I'm very excited to be able to reach out to the people of Ohio and give them this helping hand. That's what our tiny Federal government was meant to do."

JOHN: We're back with more of our liberally biased and objective coverage of the President's State of the Union. Bob?

JOHN: Yes. Now: let's hear from a conservative voice.

Explains A Lot

Today, the Rat Pack's Peter Lawford revealed that the woman calling herself Judith Steinberg Dean, the wife of Democratic contender Howard Dean, is actually Dean Martin. He claimed that Martin had not died, but instead had a secret "sexual identity transplant" years ago, and that he had "found a new life.'

"You can understand why they've been hesitant to let her go on the campaign trail," said Brandon Lawford, a nephew who speaks for the dead Peter Lawford.

Lawford noted that Howard Dean was unaware of Judith Dean's terrible secret until a year ago, when Judith's impromptu performance of "Everybody Loves Somebody" at a small cocktail party sent a shock of recognition through the room that ended with a stunned silence. It was an unsettling revelation for the ambitious Governor of Vermont.

"Now you know why Howard Dean's so angry," said Lawford.

Lawford said that although it has been difficult for the couple, they have managed to accept things as they are and make some kind of peace with each other.

Sometimes Howard and the rest of the Dean family gather together to watch as Judith dangles a cigarette from her lips, takes a sip of a martini and sings, "That's Amore."

Mars Considering Preemptive Attack; Rover Held Hostage

President Bush announced yesterday that he was putting into effect plans to invade Mars "as soon as possible in order to free the 'bound water' we've been hearing so much about."

"This bound water -- held hostage to a forbidding environment, unable to enjoy any of the freedoms or liberties we have here in America -- needs to be . . . unbound," said Bush. He proposed a costly program to establish a way station on the Moon and space troop transports. President Bush has reportedly watched "Starship Troopers" twelve times in the past week and a half.

Critics noted that the President's motives did not ring true, particularly in light of Dick 's remarks last week that "we have every reason to beleive that Mars is tied to al Queda. For one thing, look at Mars. Looks just like Afghanistan." Condoleeza Rice has also been heard speculating that Hussein had moved his WMD's to Mars "in a last ditch effort to bamboozle the United States."

Dr. Erich von Whiffleheim agreed that President Bush's proffered reason for the Mars invasion rang false. "This is water 'bound' in ze porous rock of Mars. It doesn't need to be freed. It is quite indifferent to its zituation." Dr. Whiffleheim is a psychiatrist.

Mars did not take President Bush's declaration well, insisting that "inspections by the craft you have named after your leader's senior advisor" -- the rover -- "have been working. We fail to understand why the U.S. disregards diplomacy in its mad rush to war. That is all. Beep." The rover is now transmitting only its name, serial code, and copyright, and is believed to be in custody.

The White House is planning to spend $1.5 billion to promote the institution of marriage. It is starting by encouraging Neil Bush and Britney Spears to act as "marital role models" and marry each other.

The marriage of Britney Spears and Neil Bush is to kick off the epic celebration of the sacred institution, and to demonstrate "just how special marriage is," according to Gladys Halfwit of the U.S. Commission on Marriages Sanctioned By The Conservative Base.

After the ceremony, Britney will perform "Oops, I Did It Again," and the couple will then honeymoon in Thailand, "a favorite of Neil's," said Halfwit.

Britney, who is a republican, said through a spokesperson, "Marry Neil Bush? I mean, ewww. How gross is that? But it's my duty to the country."

Neil Bush again noted that he lives an absolutely charmed life.

"The real question," leaked Dick , "is whether $1.5 billion is enough, given the current deficit, to spend on marriage. Hell, I know lots of guys who spent way more than that getting divorces."

Responding to the demands of powerful Shiite leader Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani to get rid of caucuses as a method of selecting members of an interim Iraqi government, the United States has swiftly revised its initial plan and replaced the caucuses with caucasians.

The revised plan came about after senior advisors met with President Bush about the Ayatollah's concerns and discussed the planned caucuses.

"I had no idea there were so many caucasians in Iraq," said Bush. "Do they have black people there too?"

Despite attempts to explain to President Bush that the staff wanted to replace the caucuses with caucuses -- albeit "more transparent" caucuses than originally planned, whatever that means -- President Bush insisted that they tell the Ayatollah that "there's nothing wrong with caucasians choosing an interim government in Iraq."

The new plan is for a bunch of U.S. government supplied white people to choose the Iraqi interim government.

"It's very similar to the old plan, but it's more transparent," said Brent Doogledorf, a White House press spokesperson.

Strings to Be Adjusted Wednesday

President Bush responded today to charges by Former Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neill that Bush was disengaged and seemed to be doing the bidding of other senior White House advisors. President Bush, sitting on the knee of Karl Rove, fiercely denied being a "puppet" or a "dummy" controlled by others. Rove's lips were barely moving when Bush spoke to the press today.

"I'm simply not a puppet," said Bush, while Karl Rove attempted to drink a glass of water, but ended up spilling it down his shirt. "I'm my own man."

The White House announced today that President Bush would have his strings adjusted at a hospital on Wednesday, and that the treatment was simply routine.

"Sometimes the President's mouth gets stuck," said Dick Cheney. "You'll have your hand up his back and pull the string and something weird comes out of his mouth. That just pisses me off."

Dick Cheney, who ordered that the U.S. attack as early as January, 2001, and Karl Rove, who dictated the tax cuts, complained that "sometimes the President doesn't respond to his controls as well as we would like."

Floyd Raisenette, an "imagineer" for the Disney Corporation, is to have a look at Bush later this week to see if Bush can be fitted with sophisticated audioanimatronics, the robotics devices Disney uses to, among other things, animate the presidents in "The Hall of Presidents" at DisneyWorld.

"I know we already have one," said Floyd. "But it pretty much just grins and nods. If it's going to say 'Everything's absolutely perfect,' all the time, it's going to have to refitted."

President Bush showed little interest in policy discussions in his first two years in the White House, leading Cabinet meetings "like a blind man in a roomful of deaf people," former Treasury secretary Paul H. O'Neill says in an upcoming book on the Bush White House.

Sinners Can Opt-Out, But Will End Up In Hell, Bush Says

Gov. Jeb Bush told nearly 800 prisoners Wednesday that religion can help lead them to a better life as he dedicated the nation's first faith-based prison -- an institution officials hope will lead to fewer repeat offenders.

Gospel choirs and religious statuary have been added to post offices throughout the state. Inside, the offices have the standard service windows for registered and unregistered mail, packages, and express mail, and a new window for confessions.

At a dedication ceremony today, postal workers were met with cries of "Sort it!" and "Send that letter!" as a choir sang "I Write The Words," a gospel rendition of Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs."

Governor Bush says he cannot promise that letters to God will be met with answers. "Despite my enhanced relationship with the Lord I cannot promise that. But it can happen. Just rememember to include a SASE."

Just as the Pentagon recently issued a "stop order" prohibiting soldiers from leaving the Army when their commitments expire, Karl Rove enacted a Presidential "stop order" requring all swing voters to continue to vote Republican until the end of 2004.

The order doesn't just restrict the conduct of individual voters, but forces Ohio, Missouri, Arizona, Tennessee, Nevada and eleven other states to give their electoral votes to the Republican presidential candidate in the November election.

The order also requires that the Supreme Court vote to reinstate Bush if it "comes down to that."

The White House responded to criticisms that the order makes a mockery of democracy. "Not at all," said press secretary Scott McClellan. "Just as with the military order, extreme measures are justified by extreme times. In the interest of national security, the President has ordered that he be reelected. There's nothing untoward about that."

Tom Daschle made one of his strongest announcements to date, again demonstrating why the Democrats depend upon him to lead the party. "This order needs to be looked at," said Daschle. "We're going to look at it and get back to you. So there."

A poll of Americans revealed that over 56% of the American public were untroubled by the order. "If that's what the President says we need to do, then I guess we should do it," said Sylvia Blipner, a housewife with three doctorates from Yale. "I mean, he's the President."

Ms. Blipner went out of her way to mention, however, that she was immensely troubled that Kelly Clarkson had been "screwed out of her rightful place as World Idol."

"I mean, that's a crime."

President Bush's chief of staff dismissed as "a moot point" any lingering question about whether Bush relied on faulty intelligence to justify the invasion of .

Please accept the following advice on which to base your intercourse with the gentlemen in the press gallery. It is my observation that the stories to which that brood assign great importance are, in fact, of little consequence to the course of this great Nation. This is especially true when you accept that everything we do is right. It will be mutually beneficial to the members of the press and this institution to convince the People that this is the case. I therefore forward to you my recommendations for addressing inquiries about these matters.

1. The War With Iraq

Moot. It is, of course, not of the least moment the substance of the communications between the American President and the People over whom he presides, in urging them to accept that most consequential of decisions -- the decision to go to war. When the President himself is confident that, whatever the reason, war is necessary, that is the end of the inquiry. This is especially true where, as here, the war has satisfactorily been concluded and some matter of substance has been gained, even if the initial momentum toward war be founded upon a flagrant misunderstanding of the situation.

Please continue to avoid any discussion of our efforts to diminish the accumulating costs of caring for and transporting our wounded and dead.

2. The Incident Concerning Madame Plame

Moot. I merely reiterate our longstanding position: Madame Plame's reputation for the transaction of surreptitious activities was the subject of many a Washington conversation and her identity altogether less than clandestine; she was not an Agent, but was merely an Analyst; and Robert Novak is not really a writer, in even the broadest definition afforded the title.

We are confident that none of the highest-ranking members of our institution can be connected to the scandal, and we may continue to deny involvement without fear of rapprochemént.

John Ashcroft leaked today that he would recuse himself three months after he began the investigation of his closest friends and advisors, because "it would be difficult to damage the investigation further at this time."

Ashcroft was particularly happy that he'd been able to delay the request of important White House documents until he had given the White House an opportunity to destroy them.

The investigation was handed over to the completely impartial presently sitting U.S. Attorney Patrick J. Fitzgerald, who was appointed as U.S. Attorney by Ashcroft himself, and who depends on the favor of the White House to keep that position.

"I've been told to say that my impartiality cannot be questioned," said Fitzgerald.

"I promise this investigation won't fizzle out, and that just because we end up indicting some low grade staffer, that will absolutely not mean that we failed to push this investigation toward a high level White House official who pays the salary of the man who pays my salary."

Democrats praised Ashcroft for waiting only three months to recuse himself. "Now we can be assured that justice will be done!" cried Sen. Chuck Schumer. "I am thoroughly satisfied, and it doesn't bother me in the least that Mr. Ashcroft read each and every memo on the investigation for the past three months, often redrafting them. God bless America. Excuse me, I have to go vote for a bloated GOP-written bill that's totally against the interest of my party."

The FBI has warned police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.

"All Points Bulletin," Special Agent Floyd Netty radioed. "Be on the lookout for an olive-skinned man carrying an almanac and favoring his left leg. That is all."

"Almanacs were the key to our greatest arrests," explained Netty. "Bonnie and Clyde carried a big old almanac; Dillinger had one on his pocket watch chain; Capone had a stooge with an almanac with him at all times. Follow the almanacs, you find the criminals," he said.

The FBI has also asked citizens to look out for olive-skinned individuals with strange accents asking for directions to "the nearest large gathering of peoples who are wanting to be infected" and "are you knowing the way to many softest targets in the area."

But modern criminals disagreed with the FBI's approach. "I never carry an almanac no more," said Mohammed al Ackbar, a terrorist in a sleeper cell in Detroit. "I have a GPS in my palm pilot that has a complete readout of nuclear power plants in the entire ecountry. Very handy."

Mr. Ackbar said that it was not inconceivable that terrorists would carry almanacs, however. "I am finding the almanac very fascinating," he said. "Are you knowing that the walleye is the official fish of South Dakota?"

Today, President Bush declared that an infected cow afflicted with mad cow disease had been only "mildly neurotic," and urged calm.

"Everything's just fine, the way it always has been, the way it always will be," said Bush. "This is going to be a great year for America, and a slightly imbalanced cow isn't going to ruin that one little bit."

"I'm still eating plenty of beef," he added. "I think everyone will agree that I'm not insane yet." The President chopped the air for emphasis about 60 times, and then laughed for five or ten minutes without stopping.

Bush called the press conference to rebut allegations that his administration -- which some say projects an air of complete certainty about the future and the results of its actions or inactions -- failed adequately to prepare for or safeguard against the spectre of mad cow disease and the economic consequences of the outbreak.

"That cow wasn't paranoid," said Bush. "We were out to get it," and laughed again.

"Beef," said the President, closing out the press conference. "The other red meat."

Should Have Detained Passengers A Year Or Two, Says Ashcroft

On Thursday, French officials said they had released all the passengers, including one French citizen, one American, one German and several Algerians. "There was absolutely nothing there," said a spokesman for the French Interior Ministry.

"This is not the way we deal with terrorists in the United States," said Ashcroft. "If you're serious, you detain everybody for at least a year."

Andy Card agreed. "The French had no reason to believe that any of those passengers was not connected to terrorism, but still they just let them march right out of custody and back to their lives and families. Pathetic."

"I guess it must be a froggy thing," said Ashcroft.

At first officials suspected that those who showed up to board the flight could be terrorists, but they now suspect that those who did not show up to take the flight could be terrorists.