September 22, 2008
Bush To Put FEMA in Charge of Wall Street Rescue

President Bush compounded widespread concern about a domestic economy on the verge of collapse today when he announced that FEMA would coordinate the 700 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street.

"We have our best people on it," Bush insisted, causing the market to slide two thousand points late this morning. Bush and his staff expressed surprise that Adminstration assurances have done little to buoy confidence in the economy. "None of the folks in charge of the bailout ever worked with horses or anything," said a perplexed White House staffer.

Circumstances on Wall Street remained dire today. Thousands of traders and bankers have been without money, gold ingots, or economic power for almost a week now, and conditions in hastily constructed "trailer banks" have been horrible. "There are hardly any bathroom attendants here at all," complained one temporary resident, Preston Brunswick III, a complex derivatives trader who "barely cleared a million" last year.

Compounding the crisis, trucks full of relief money have been mysteriously stalled in Alabama, and FEMA officials were at a loss to explain why it was so hard to get the "Benjamins" to New York, where they are so desperately needed.

"We need that money now! We're barely able to expense out our lunches," exclaimed worried A.I.G. executive Gwen Driscoll. Driscoll fretted that her corporate American Express Platinum card was "being strained to the breaking point."

Meanwhile, Republicans warned that the allegedly Democratic-controlled Congress would take too much time debating a relief bill. "We need a lack of oversight, and we need it now," said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. "Before anyone has a chance to think about it."

Posted by Tom Burka at 1:46 PM in NewsTop Stories | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

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I think there may be a country somewhere that needs another US expat. Just tell me whereI should move, and I'll free up whatever ecenomic resources I'm using up here.

Posted by: strangeHeather at September 22, 2008 3:52 PM

Brilliant, Tom! I hear the bonuses will be greatly diminished this year.

Posted by: Jodi at September 22, 2008 5:20 PM

Thank goodness! Burka is back to straighten it all out! Wild rumors say crack National Guard specialists are also being called out to help load and unload the cash from convoys of trucks for the bailout. A company of troops that have done that work exclusively in Iraq for years is being sent and will headquarter out of Jersey City under supervision of General Antonio "Skimmer" Gambino.

Posted by: Larry Ray at September 24, 2008 12:59 PM

No, stall the money machine, I say. So, Gwen Driscoll is worried that she might not get lunch? Well, that's too bad. She needs to go hungry, get in touch with the "common man" out here in the real world. In fact, let the entire mess just crash, already! Yes, there will some painful moments, but in the long run, we are better off without parasites on our backs, feeding off us.

Posted by: Luath at September 29, 2008 5:38 PM

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