July 27, 2004
Hellmann's Mayonnaise To Back Kerry

Candidate To Go For "Whole Condiment" Sweep

The prestigious Hellman's Mayonnaise family endorsed John Kerry today, in what spokesmen hoped presaged "an entire group of condiment endorsements," known in the political sphere as "the whole jar of pickles."

Kerry, who corralled Heinz Ketchup with a simple marriage ceremony, is hoping to sew up the Krafts sometime in the coming week. Kerry is also trying to branch out: next Tuesday he is to meet with influential and powerful Chef Boyardi.

It is reported that Grey Poupon is on the fence, however. "We are attracted to the Republicans because they are rich, arrogant, and incredibly stuffy," said Lord Poupon earlier today.

"On the other hand, we are liking the Kerry very much," he added, "because we are French."

Posted by Tom Burka at 5:32 PM in News