January 7, 2004
Bush To Put "Stop Order" On Swing Voters; May Not Vote For Democrat Until End Of Year

Just as the Pentagon recently issued a "stop order" prohibiting soldiers from leaving the Army when their commitments expire, Karl Rove enacted a Presidential "stop order" requring all swing voters to continue to vote Republican until the end of 2004.

The order doesn't just restrict the conduct of individual voters, but forces Ohio, Missouri, Arizona, Tennessee, Nevada and eleven other states to give their electoral votes to the Republican presidential candidate in the November election.

The order also requires that the Supreme Court vote to reinstate Bush if it "comes down to that."

The White House responded to criticisms that the order makes a mockery of democracy. "Not at all," said press secretary Scott McClellan. "Just as with the military order, extreme measures are justified by extreme times. In the interest of national security, the President has ordered that he be reelected. There's nothing untoward about that."

Tom Daschle made one of his strongest announcements to date, again demonstrating why the Democrats depend upon him to lead the party. "This order needs to be looked at," said Daschle. "We're going to look at it and get back to you. So there."

A poll of Americans revealed that over 56% of the American public were untroubled by the order. "If that's what the President says we need to do, then I guess we should do it," said Sylvia Blipner, a housewife with three doctorates from Yale. "I mean, he's the President."

Ms. Blipner went out of her way to mention, however, that she was immensely troubled that Kelly Clarkson had been "screwed out of her rightful place as World Idol."

"I mean, that's a crime."

Posted by Tom Burka at 11:27 AM in News