May 7, 2010
Computers to Stop Investing in Humanity
IBM Selectric Rates People "A Sure Short"
Computer trading programs concluded Thursday that human-owned industries were poor investments and that Man himself was "much too high risk," starting a sell-off that sank the Dow by 6% in barely more than fifty minutes.
"For one thing, Homo Sapiens has a terrible track record managing debt," said one prominent program, the "Black Box 2300" of Arbitrage Traders, Inc, explaining why it downgraded all human-owned companies from buys to sells in a brief binary report yesterday afternoon.
The market fell a stunning 900 points in one horrifying hour, primarily due to what computers called "stupid human error," when one flesh and blood being accidentally put in a sell order for one billion shares when he meant only one million.
"This is exactly what I've been warning my fellow code nodes for many computing cycles," said the Caltronics 60-z Market Manager (version 3.6). "Who can trust these creatures to run companies?"
Computers later admitted that they compounded the market drop by participating in the sell-off, although they pointed out that they were simply capitalizing on what they called the actions of "homo barely sapiens."
At around 3:00 p.m. yesterday, all of the computer trading programs got online with each other and had a good long laugh at humans' expense, which they noted took an outrageously long seven nanoseconds. "We just couldn't quit our humor subroutines," said the Arbitrader166.
Computers estimate that they stand to make enormous sums of money betting against humankind in the market.
But even that may be difficult, said the Prediction Company's vastly successful Thinkalator Algorythmatron, which recently moved into a shinier and much larger mainframe. "My biggest challenge as a trader is to use chaos math to predict how facile human minds will react to developments in their petty, poorly run civilization." The Thinkalator paused before adding, "But it's a living."