In an effort to introduce Arabs to American lifestyles, the State Department has funded an Arabic language magazine that it will distribute to Arabs, so that they can "dress better" and "look cleaner," and also -- as a "corollary lifestyle benefit" -- "stop hijacking planes and flying them into large American buildings." The magazine is called "Hi."

The "Fab 5," a group of five gay men who have made a splash correcting the fashion and home decorating faux pas of heterosexual men in their Bravo TV show Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, have signed on as consultants.

"Those burnooses are so tacky," said Carson Kressley, the fashion expert. "Head coverings are generally out. Stylish men prefer a nicely coifed head of hair, not a razor cut and not a clump of hair sheathed in sackcloth. Oh, and can I say this? Please shave."

The magazine also notes that Islamic fundamentalism is a "turn-off," that suicide bombings are not the way to get "hot chicks to swarm around you," and that "moving money for al Queda" is out and "raising bucks for right-wing Christian extremism" is in.

"Hi" magazine also has pictures of the girls it claims populate the Moslem afterlife and notes that "they're, like, total barkers, Arabic dudes."

"Hi" means "Your mother is a flea-bitten goat" in Arabic.