June 29, 2005
Bush To Invade Iraq Again

Army Already In Place

Last night, in an address to the nation, President Bush explained that he would have to "invade Iraq again," because "it's an awful mess over there." He said he was "not sure who was in charge" in Iraq, but that it had again become the "nexus of the axis of evil."

Bush noted that this second invasion would be much easier to execute "because we already have most of our army in place."

Bush called on Americans to sacrifice "during this difficult time between American Idol seasons."

He said that the effort in Iraq was "worth it," saying that "we really have gotten a bang for our buck." He declined to put a figure on each dead or captured terrorist, only saying that it was probably "in the low billions."

"I am proud to have been instrumental in creating an entirely new front in the war on terror where one didn't exist even as recently as three years ago," he said. He ended by saying "9/11" a hundred-and-fifty times, and concluded, "Amen."

Posted by Tom Burka at 9:41 AM in News

June 27, 2005
U.S. Army Will Not Be Pushed Into Sea, Reassures General

Relieved Army Sheds Flippers, Scuba Gear, Water Wings

On Sunday talk shows yesterday, Donald Rumsfeld and General John Abizaid reassured the American people that the insurgency will not push U.S. forces into the sea, because Iraq is landlocked, they asserted.

"So we continue to discount the sea contingency, although we cannot make assurances against the 'pushed into neighboring Turkey' contigency," said Rumsfeld.

The insurgency, which is in its "death throes," according to Rumsfeld, "may still linger on into the next century." He said that Americans should be reassured, however, because U.S. forces would either be pushed out or voluntarily withdrawn long before then.

"The U.S. Army is the best equipped, best trained, most deadly fighting force in the world," said Rumsfeld. "That having been said, if the insurgency isn't gone within the next couple of years, we'll leave it to the marginally equipped, moderately trained Iraqi army to finish the job."

Referring to a pocket dictionary that he apparently wrote himself, Rumsfeld described leaving Iraq with an increasingly adept and well-armed enemy utterly destroying the security of that nation as an "enormous success," a "great victory," and a "model of democratic transformation."

Posted by Tom Burka at 7:00 AM in News

June 16, 2005

She certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli.

- Sen. Bill Frist, on the completely and utterly blind Terri Shiavo
Dear Dr. Frist,

Recently I developed a shooting pain in my left leg that feels like an elephant is massaging my upper thigh with his trunk. What should I do? Here is a picture of my leg.

Will Graham
Dear Will,

I spent several minutes looking at your picture. It is clear to me that an elephant is not actually massaging your leg. I would suggest Tylenol. If the pain continues to return, amputation is always an option.


Senator Doctor William Frist

Dear Dr. Frist,

I have chronic recurring dizziness and I often lose my sense of balance. Enclosed please find a picture of me during a recent trip to DisneyWorld with my family.

Sally Yost
Dear Ms. Yost,

That's a mighty big mouse! Just kidding. I spent some time with your photograph last night and it is fortunate that you sent me a profile shot, since I can now say from my examination it that you have an inner ear infection. Take a ten-day course of Amoxycillin and you will be right as rain.

Senator Doctor William Frist

P.S. That will be $300.

Dear Dr. Frist,

In the past few months, my girlfriend Sally has become increasingly distant and cold. What is happening? I enclose a video of Sally and me fishing for tuna off the Emerald Coast of Florida last year.

Sam Acklington
Dear Sam,

I regret to tell you that, from my examination of your video, not only is Sally sleeping with other men -- among them the fishing boat captain appearing in the opening frames of your video -- but you have a degenerative neurological disorder and will soon be unable to say "this," and," or "but." There is no cure but, after Sally moves out, you will be able to keep the food processor.


Sen. Dr. William Frist

Dear Dr. Frist,

We are a group of astronomers at Princeton University. We are stymied by these shots of Epsilon Gemadrae, in the Phoenix Quadrant of Omega Tau, near the Quelm cluster. Can you help?

Professor Jean Karactacus and colleagues
Dear Professor Karactacus,

As much as I would like to help, this is really outside my field of expertise. I have thus taken the liberty of forwarding your request to Senator Rick Santorum.

The Honorable Senator Dr. Frist

UPDATE: More "Ask Doctor Frist" provided by the FreewayBlogger at Abstinence Only.

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:09 PM in NewsTop Stories

June 9, 2005
Guest Editor
Report Shows That Global Warming Exists Belief In Global Warming Just A Fad

The United States released a report two years ago that showed that global warning is a significant threat to the environment fairy tale. Scientists believe that the polar icecaps will be gone by next year stem cell research will cause dangerous flash flooding in Missouri. Clearly the answer to the threat is to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and sign the Kyoto treaty make abortion illegal. The Bush Administration believes that science is a hoax and the law of gravity is "just a theory" everyone deserves a massive tax cut.

Just yesterday, melting of the ice caps caused a tsunami in Asia President Bush walked his dog, Barney. Millions died. It was a beautiful day.

Posted by Tom Burka at 6:54 AM in News

June 3, 2005
Paul Revere A Despicable Tattletale, Says GOP

Republicans today criticized Paul Revere for his famous ride, saying that he had violated professional colonial ethics by divulging military secrets in violation of his duty to his lord, the King of England.

"These were sensitive informations about military troop movements with which he had been entrusted," said G. Gordon Liddy, an expert on ethics in government and a professor at several unaccredited law schools.

"Paul Revere was a traitor and a law breaker," said Anakin Skywalker in a confidential interview shortly before his limbs were lopped off and he burst into flame.

Conservatives all over America pointed out that Revere also endangered people's lives by riding willy nilly all over Massachusetts at a full gallop in the dark of night. "He could have trampled someone," said Bill O'Reilly. "Paul Revere was a reckless and irresponsible nazi," he added.

Pat Buchanan derided Revere as a "coward" and a "snake" who was unwilling to be direct with the British government regarding his complaints about the monarchy. "There were channels," he said.

Peggy Noonan shook her head. "There's nothing sadder than Americans who have no respect for the rule of law," she said.

Posted by Tom Burka at 2:24 PM in NewsTop Stories