Rumsfeld to Be Placed In Long-Term Storage Facility

Condoleezza Rice, saddled anew with the task of rebuilding Iraq, has wasted no time. She plans to spend the week looking at color swatches, trying out sofas, and finding approximately 50,000 "nice lamps."

"A country cannot find its way unless it has some nice lamps and comfortable seating," said Rice.

Donald Rumsfeld was unhappy with Bush's decision to remove him from the rebuilding equation. He found out about his ouster by reading an article in Time magazine whilst on the toilet.

"I haven't been regular since," he noted.

Rice was careful to say that the U.S. plan to rebuild Iraq is "right on track," and to emphasize that "we're making progress everyday," although she has been to known to say the same thing about the FBI anthrax-mailer investigation.

Rice also moved to "push through" the procurement of 400,000 street signs which are to be placed all over Iraq. "Wherever you go, there you are -- except that don't know where you are unless you have adequate signage," said Rice.

A private U.S. company is to make the signs under a no-bid $500 million contract.

UPDATE: Rice noted that it would difficult to find the right place to put all the new couches because "of all those weapons of mass destruction that are still laying around."