President Bush said that his present umbrella was "working perfectly" and rejected calls for a new one.

"This umbrella is perhaps one of the finest umbrellas this country has ever had," said Bush, "and I stand firmly behind it."

Critics said that Bush's umbrella was "ineffective, severely flawed, and just as bad as no umbrella at all." In response, Bush said that was "just people playing politics," and that he was not "all wet," as many have alleged.

"That's exactly what you'd expect them to say," said Bush.

Habeeb McKenzie, a former postal worker from Louisiana, said,"Who is he kidding? That umbrella don't work for shit!" He foraged around among his things. "If I had food, water, affordable gas, oil, housing, security, or even a scrap of encouraging news from the rest of my family, I would happily offer you some mail."

Originally published in slightly modified form on June 3, 2004.