October 29, 2003
Cable News Networks Concerned that Bryant Trial Will Only Generate Four Hundred Hours of Programming

Producers Frantically Plan Scott Peterson, Princess Di Stories, Panels

Cable news networks are up in arms about projections that the Kobe Bryant trial will come too soon and be too brief to generate enough punditry to fill daytime and prime-time coverage for the next two months.

"What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" said Tracy Glut, producer for MSNBC. "I have rape defense experts lined up, women who have written books on rape trials, men who have written books on women who write books, divorce columnists, ten obscure defense attorneys from Idaho, Nevada, and Brazil, Farrah Fawcett, who will tell us what she learned about date rape from filming The Burning Bed, Kobe Bryant's hair-stylist, masseuse, chaffeur, and a guy who saw Kobe Bryant outside of a hotel once in 2002. That's for the first couple days. And then it could be over."

Joe Flaherffy of CNN said, "We're in kind of a bind here. We've got the Laci Patterson case, Kobe, and then what? I've got teams of people shadowing sports figures all over America waiting for them to kill someone in a bar fight or hotel room."

Glenn Spice, an agent who specialize in pundits, expressed concern. "I've got a whole stable of celebrity biographers who are just languishing out there."

Glut was beside herself. "What are we gonna do? Cover the death of some soldier in every day?"

Posted by Tom Burka at 1:17 PM in News