January 12, 2004
Bush Claims He Is Not Puppet, Says Rove

Strings to Be Adjusted Wednesday

President Bush responded today to charges by Former Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neill that Bush was disengaged and seemed to be doing the bidding of other senior White House advisors. President Bush, sitting on the knee of Karl Rove, fiercely denied being a "puppet" or a "dummy" controlled by others. Rove's lips were barely moving when Bush spoke to the press today.

"I'm simply not a puppet," said Bush, while Karl Rove attempted to drink a glass of water, but ended up spilling it down his shirt. "I'm my own man."

The White House announced today that President Bush would have his strings adjusted at a hospital on Wednesday, and that the treatment was simply routine.

"Sometimes the President's mouth gets stuck," said Dick Cheney. "You'll have your hand up his back and pull the string and something weird comes out of his mouth. That just pisses me off."

Dick Cheney, who ordered that the U.S. attack as early as January, 2001, and Karl Rove, who dictated the tax cuts, complained that "sometimes the President doesn't respond to his controls as well as we would like."

Floyd Raisenette, an "imagineer" for the Disney Corporation, is to have a look at Bush later this week to see if Bush can be fitted with sophisticated audioanimatronics, the robotics devices Disney uses to, among other things, animate the presidents in "The Hall of Presidents" at DisneyWorld.

"I know we already have one," said Floyd. "But it pretty much just grins and nods. If it's going to say 'Everything's absolutely perfect,' all the time, it's going to have to refitted."

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:43 PM in News