A recent poll by CBS News shows that a majority of Americans now believe that America is "losing its grip on Iraq."

"Zis is completely untrue," said Dr. Hendritch Schmock, an expert on grips, and Senior Lecturer at The International Institute of Holding Things in Zurück.

"Ze grip is usually understood as to be having something firmly in ze hand, something in ze control of ze gripper, as it were. In order to lose a grip, one must have had a grip to begin with. Some people need to get a grip, if you know what I mean." Immediately after making this statement, Dr. Schmockman was taken away and sawed in half by a man who, it later turned out, had misrepresented himself to be a magician.

Further polling did indeed show that most Americans had no idea what a grip was and defined it as a "wiggly kind of fleeting and possibly recklessly destructive groping" of an object.

"I didn't mean we had lost our grip on Iraq," Clyde Beducklesdale of Sourwood, Omaha explained. "I meant we had lost our grope."

MorningArchery
Usual targets.

Kayaking with Dr. Dean
Mostly upstream.

Sailing
Very little wind in port; when you get past the leeside of Point Rove, small craft warning.

Ballooning
Not really an activity, just a discussion of the deficit.

Hiking
Pathfinding, trailblazing, and fundraising. With the Clintons.

Afternoon Climbing Wall
Al Gore will climb a treacherous path all the way up to the top, where he'll be pretty much knocked right off by James Baker (from the other camp). Joe Lieberman will deliver the critical blow by allowing an overseas soldier to drop a heavy stack of illegal ballots on Gore when he's hanging by a thread.

See the rest of the schedule by clicking on the "But seriously" link below.

Below the fold »

Bush Seeks New War To Save U.S. Soldiers' Lives

On May 1, 2003, President George W. Bush stood on the deck of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln and announced the end of the war in Iraq. However, the ensuing peace has not been kind.

More soldiers have died since the war's end than died during the war -- at least 139 deaths since May 1, as compared to the 138 that occurred during the war -- and scores more have been injured. Accordingly, the White House today announced it was searching for a war to start "in order to immediately ameliorate the growing danger to our young servicemen and women overseas."

Iran is a possibility, and Syria could also be a target. White House officials said that where the next war takes place is irrelevant. "The important thing is not to spend a lot of time deliberating about who to attack, but to attack as soon as possible, so we can get this deadly peace behind us," said Donald Rumsfeld.

"It's not a guerilla war that's killing us," Rumsfeld explained. "It's guerilla peace."

"The fact that the majority of these deaths come from non-combat related instances, simply shows how dangerous peace can be," Rumsfeld added.

Karl Rove dismissed suggestions that war was safer for President Bush's relelection campaign than peace. "That's simply absurd,' he said, as he watched President Bush happily playing a round of golf at his ranch.

Originally published, in modified form, on July 4, 2003.

George and Rummy, you made the pants too long . . .

April 8, Baghdad -- Marines encountered pockets of resistance in southeast Baghdad, zippers of incomprehensibility in the west, inseams of irregularity in the north, and trouser cuffs of indefatigability in the center of town. The Pentagon confirmed that U.S. forces were trying to secure the seat of Baghdad, and hoped to control the belt buckle as early as Tuesday.

"It depends how deep those pockets, how irregular the inseams, how incomprehensible the zippers prove, and -- whatever we said the cuffs were, how whatever we said they would turn out to be, " said General Hugh Fitzimmons today. "We're also going to try to have the waist taken in by Saturday," he added.

Originally published on April 8, 2003

This seems relevant yet again . . .

Yesterday, a bitter dispute broke out between Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas over whether to take an immediate left turn, or stop at the next service plaza and ask directions on the way to peace. At last report, the pair had pulled over to the side of the road to once again examine the road map.

Sharon insists on taking the Interstate at least as far as the West bank, but Abbas want to take backroads to avoid traffic. "The Interstate gets completely backed up this time of year," said Abbas. shaking his head in frustration. "It's crazy," he told Sharon. "We'll just be sitting there, inching ahead, barely moving -- we'll get stuck there a million miles from an offramp, I know it."

"Many of these roads are not even on the map, as far as I can see," Sharon replied. "We're just going to get lost."

Among other disagreements the parties have encountered are who gets to drive, and whether to listen to Kelly Clarkson's "Thankful" CD (Sharon) or Duran Duran (Abbas) during the trip.

Finally, Secretary of State Colin Powell's backseat driving has become, according to the Prime Ministers, "intolerable." "I don't think he has a clue about how to get where we're going, but he won't shut up," said Abbas.

Sharon was more direct: "Don't make me reach back there."

Originally published on May 10, 2003.

Below the fold »

Among Other things, Much Easier To Move

The Alabama Supreme Court today reversed its earlier decision to remove a 5,280 pound monument depicting the Ten Commandments from the State Supreme Court lobby and instead ordered the removal of a 220 pound woman in a wheelchair who had parked herself next to the monument and was planning to "live there."

"For one thing, she's much easier to move," said one Alabama Justice. "She weighs less and she's on wheels."

The justices had earlier ordered the removal of the monument because it violated the constitutionally mandated separation of church and state.

"But then we realized, the problem isn't the monument, it's the wackos around the monument," said Republican Justice Patrick O'Hurlihy.

Removal of the monument had already been made difficult by Alabama Chief Justice Moore -- who secretly installed the monument in a midnight ceremony that some say involved the sacrifice of several trial lawyers -- in making the monument so heavy that it is virtually impossible to move without causing tens of thousands of dollars worth of damage to the courthouse steps.

The court has instead decided to drape the commandments in black velvet and use it as a platform for an expresso bar, which the court sorely needs. "Thou shalt not fall asleep during oral arguments," said Justice Herlihy.

"If only the the separation of church and state meant that we could separate these people from the entire State . . .," said an Alabama judge, Anthony Torantelli, who wished to remain nameless.

"Religious fanaticism," he added, "It's not just for Moslems anymore."

Below the fold »

Simon Properties, the developer of the Mall of America, America's largest mall, has been named to replace Paul Bremer as U.S. overseer of Iraqi development.

"We've developed 182 million square feet in America alone," said Phyllis Snivvlinnson, Vice President for Foreign Development. "There's no reason we can't effectively develop 437,072 square kilometers."

"Democracy requires good anchor stores," said Dick . "To start, Halliburton is opening a superstore just west of the oil fields, near Kirkuk. Shopping for oil has never been so easy or pleasant."

"You can buy a million barrels of crude, get some cajun chicken at Panda Express or a super cheese steak at the food court, grab some 8x11 medium weight paper at Staples, see a movie, or take a ride on the largest indoor ferris wheel in the Middle East," said .

Orange Julius, Hooters, and the Magic Pan Crepe Stand are among other food vendors who have signed on to "feed Iraq."

"We're very excited about the Crepe Stand," said Snivvlinnson.

Snivvlinnson laughed off suggestions that terrorists might slow down the development of Iraq. "What terrorist would prefer blowing themselves up to enjoying the Lucky Charms Magical Forest or the Trix Fruity Carnival?"

Below the fold »

Today President Bush said the situation in Iraq had deteriorated to the point where he had no choice "but to declare war on that country."

"I've just become aware that good people are dying out there. Terrorists run rampant, killing people, blowing up oil pipelines, wreaking havoc, maybe just plain reaking. They've got to be stopped."

Bush said that he had recently learned that since May 1, 2003, Iraq has become the "number one nexus of the terrorist activities in the world," and he called it "the nexus of the axis of evil," speaking from his ranch in Texas.

He said that it was a difficult decision but he had "no choice" given the state of the country at this time.

"Whoever is running that country has allowed it to turn into a hornet's nest that threatens the stability of the Middle East, and with it, the safety and security of the United States, and of the world."

Below the fold »

My name's Malone, but you can call me Abalone. I was in the middle of writing my wife a check for alimony, sending it by way of my lawyer Sam Maloney and eating a crow sandwich. Little did I know that in a few moments, we New Yorkers were going to be plunged into a hellish night darker than a double expresso, bitterer than Admiral John Poindexter, and more frightening than a night spent looking at Karen Hughes' family slides.

I knew something was up when the shrill hiss of the machine foaming the milk in my machiatto turned to a sad sputtering whimper and died. Then the sour-faced teen behind the counter nearly broke my heart, telling me that my other favorite coffee-based drink product, a spumanti mocha mocha latte, was unavailable. What was I going to do? The coffee grinders were out so I grabbed a couple of beans of the Sumatran roast (they're mild but full-bodied, with a slight acidity that gives them the perfect edge) and chomped on them as I strode out and paced the steaming asphalt of Madison Avenue. I broke a crown. And I swallowed it. It was Friday and all the dentists were in the Hamptons, hobnobbing with the porcelain inlays of big ticket celebrities.

People say New Yorkers are pampered wimps who can't take one day without a couple of megawatts, but I was just on the prowl looking for the necessities of life: a quick massage, a good movie, maybe a concert, a visit to a great museum, and a night spent browsing video-on-demand, MI-5, and 12 episodes of The Daily Show captured on my DVR. Forget the heat, forget that the natural fibers in my Calvin Klein triple-weave shirt, Armani suit, and pricey clogs were wilting in the 100-degree heat and 90% humidity like a man with a woman when the wife walks in. Things were about to get much worse. I was about to get . . . bored.

I walked past Madame Tussaud's Pools of Wax Museum. I thought about going to the Museum of Natural History, but I heard the heat had put the moves on the Chocolate exhibition and the assistants curators were trying vainly to resuscitate it, performing mouth-to-mouth on the Godivas. It wasn't a pretty picture.

At the Met, Van Gogh's Starry Starry Night looked like a picture of a black cow eating green grass in a meadow underneath a cloudless, black sky, except the cow had eaten the grass and hightailed it out of the canvas. It was like a bunch of zebras that were all stripe and no white playing hide and seek in an oil slick on a night with no moon 60 feet into a ebony cave. You figure it out.

New York. The city that never sleeps was out, out all over, looking blacker than Dick 's heart. I tried to go shopping at Eli's, or to pick up some of the good stuff at Caviarteria, but the darkness and the heat wave had left them emptier than the Federal Reserve.

Usually, Broadway is dark only on Mondays, but tonight you could see the cast of Long Day's Journey Into Night sweltering on the sidewalk in front of the Belasco Theater and cursing the day Eugene O'Neill was born. I leaned against a wall to catch my breath, but I realized, in the poorly lit street, that that was no wall -- it was Brian Dennehy. I didn't wait around for him to find out.

I won't bore you with the assorted details of my sordid tale. Suffice to say the next morning I woke up to my clock radio and through my hangover it was shriller than Ann Coulter's relentless TV talk show gibbering.

I heard President Bush on the radio saying that the blackout was a wake-up call. Didn't he say 9-11 was a wake-up call?

I guess, like me, he just keeps hitting the snooze alarm.

Homeland Security Department Says Massive, Crippling Blackout Went Exactly As Planned

Tom Ridge excitedly praised Northeast America, including Cleveland, Detroit, New York, all of Connecticut, and many other areas affecting millions upon millions of Americans, for taking part in a complete loss of the Northeastern power grid that went "exactly as we'd scheduled it."

In New York, for instance, gas pumps failed to operate because they could not be operated manually, taxis and buses ran out of gasoline, countless numbers of people were completely stranded, and police officers told pedestrians that "they had no clue what was going on." Officers asked whether buses were running or what routes were best to take said they knew nothing.

President Bush praised the "excellent communication" he had set up to handle emergencies. "These agencies communicate as well as I do," he beamed.

New York Governor George Pataki took an admirable stance as a leader, saying it was all Canada's fault -- "Blame them, we had nothing to do with it," he said at a press conference, unaware that no one else was in the room with him.

Hours after the power outage, fire marshals in a Brooklyn building told workers to "stand by" until they "tracked down" the problem. Everybody had already left.

"I think our people did superbly," said Mayor Bloomberg. "It's like one big party up here. Of course, the fact that this happened after we promised we would insure it would never happen again after 1977 is a cause for some concern."

Tom Ridge was proud of the failure and the response of state, federal and local authorities. "It's nice to know that we don't need terrorists to create a crisis," he said. "We're quite capable of creating our own."

Below the fold »

While vacationing in Texas, President Bush occasionally runs three miles in the triple-digit Texas heat. Anyone who runs with him gets a t-shirt. "I wish we had enough t-shirts for the soldiers in Iraq, but we don't, and, besides, you have to run with me to get the shirt." After an awkward pause he added, "You can't do that if you're in Iraq. I'm in Texas."

Bush is running as part of his pledge to share one hardship a day with the troops in Iraq as a gesture of solidarity and goodwill.

"Every day I subject myself to at least one small indignity, in honor of those men out there. Today I turned the air conditioning down," said Bush, smiling and winking at reporters.

Bush is also planning to eat some M.R.E.'s (Meals Ready To Eat, which are as nutritious and tasty as their acronym is grammatical) and stand guard duty next to a burning wreck of a former humvee in his front yard for 30 minutes. "In addition, I'm going to only drink three liters of water during the next thirty minutes," said Bush.

"I'd try being umployed for a day in solidarity with those who have lost their jobs here in America," said Bush, "But instead, I'm just going to stop working for a while."

The management regrets the failure to post a stultifying and breathtakingly funny entry on Tuesday, as is our practice, due to a long weekend unpunctuated by dependable internet access.

We went to a country fair and balanced balls on our noses, imitating seals at the nearby aquarium. Afterwards, we went to a local pub and tucked into the local fare and balanced out the rather heavy meal with a light and wholesome dessert (fresh strawberries). On the way home my wife informed me that her cousin was having an affair and blanched. I was so stunned by this that I drove off the road momentarily, hitting a ditch and knocking my wheels out of alignment. It rained and my tires had to be balanced while fair weather failed to prevail.

We spent more than we should have but to be fair, we haven't balanced our checkbook properly and thought we could afford it.

My cousin, Louisa, is fair but my other cousin, Johnny Hyde Burka, is swarthy and unbalanced.

Oh, Fox News, please sue me.

In an effort to introduce Arabs to American lifestyles, the State Department has funded an Arabic language magazine that it will distribute to Arabs, so that they can "dress better" and "look cleaner," and also -- as a "corollary lifestyle benefit" -- "stop hijacking planes and flying them into large American buildings." The magazine is called "Hi."

The "Fab 5," a group of five gay men who have made a splash correcting the fashion and home decorating faux pas of heterosexual men in their Bravo TV show Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, have signed on as consultants.

"Those burnooses are so tacky," said Carson Kressley, the fashion expert. "Head coverings are generally out. Stylish men prefer a nicely coifed head of hair, not a razor cut and not a clump of hair sheathed in sackcloth. Oh, and can I say this? Please shave."

The magazine also notes that Islamic fundamentalism is a "turn-off," that suicide bombings are not the way to get "hot chicks to swarm around you," and that "moving money for al Queda" is out and "raising bucks for right-wing Christian extremism" is in.

"Hi" magazine also has pictures of the girls it claims populate the Moslem afterlife and notes that "they're, like, total barkers, Arabic dudes."

"Hi" means "Your mother is a flea-bitten goat" in Arabic.

Recession Over, War Gone, Unemployed Applaud

President Bush took a break from his busy schedule of fishing, napping, and lying on the couch but not napping, to announce that "things" were "definitely better" for average Americans than they were three years ago. "We're making progress in Iraq," he said. "And the economy is healing."

"The recession was over in 2001, and the war was over on May 1," Bush said.

Sally Macaroni, mother of 72 boys from Kentucky, rejoiced. "Maybe that means that my other twenty-two sons will live!" Mrs. Vernon's other 50 sons, all of whom were stationed in , died in "non-combat-related bomb explosions and hails of gunfire," according to CENTCOM.

Eddie Halibutthead, an unemployed insurance salesman in New Haven, Connecticut who has given up looking for work, was thrilled to hear Bush's speech. "Whoa, that is good news," he said. "I mean, we're very lucky."

"As bad as things may seem now," he said, beaming, "Imagine what it would be like if our economy sucked and we were in the middle of a war."

Most Also Outed By Senior White House Officials As Covert Operatives of CIA

Nathan of Brain Fertilizer has taken the loss of his CIA cover poorly -- just look at his desperate punning. I really don't know which is more entertaining -- his puns about coffee or his reference to opponent Swarzennegger as "The Running Man."

Bohemian Mama has the woman's vote sewn up. She recently let us know more about how things are falling apart in .

I don't see how Adam in Ma and Rick in Davis (of The Likely Story) can possibly run for governor jointly, not to mention how they can run a campaign while they're preoccupied with Yellowcake: The Scandal That Keeps on Giving.

I'm not sure which interests me more, Billmon's take on Rumsfeld's Brain or his transparently absurd cover story for his failure to post -- we all know he's busy getting his campaign in gear.

Andrew of Byte Back will do anything to get elected. He'll even blog on the subject of your choice.

I'm worried about Elvis56 of Lunaville (and PatK should be, too): he's running for Governor but he sees Ann Coulter wherever he goes -- literally.

Eric Tam of Antidotal is taking time out from his ridiculously arduous graduate work at Yale (not to mention blogging) to run -- and he might be a shoo-in, given his inside scoop on George Tenet's communications with Dubya.

I don't know what's up with the guy who coined the word "blogtopia," Skippy the Bush Kangaroo. He's not going to get elected applauding CNN for almost getting the number of casualties in right, unlike the rest of the media. (Skippy has always been less interested in getting elected than in speaking the truth. *sigh*)

Prometheus, who lists among his accomplishments the invention of fire (take that, Skippy!), has a shot at it, because, unlike any other candidate, he can explain how George W. Bush resembles Jack Nicholson.

At least one of the candidates will be wearing great shoes.

But Nick Barlow is the odds-on favorite. First, he has a much classier accent than either Arnold or Arianna Huffington. Second, he's much better than an actor -- he's a screenwriter. He's British. And he keeps track of where people may have left their vacation houses.

Below the fold »

Will Also Become More Active in Political Fundraising, Musical Comedy

Gray Davis has announced that he is abandoning attempts to battle the recall election against him and is turning to stage and screen, where he claims to have already negotiated starring roles in Terminator IVand a Broadway revival of "Cats," where he will play either Rum Tum Tugger or Grizabella.

"A lot of people are surprised," said Bernie Schmeck, Davis's agent. "Cold and distant as a politician, but warm, emotive, and supremely charismatic on stage -- plus he tap dances like Savion Glover and sings like Ethel Merman. A real triple threat."

Gray said, "I'm looking forward to getting on with my life. I want to appear on The View and The Regis Philbin Show. I want to raise money for some esoteric charities. And, of course, I want to have more of a voice in politics."

Speaking of his upcoming role in Terminator IV, Gray said, "It wasn't easy getting cast. It's much harder to land a solid part in even a B-movie than it is to be elected Governor of California."

KEVIN O’CONNOR, A 53-year-old investment banker, went to Denver’s first gathering of Dean supporters in early February at a small downtown coffee shop, drawn by a posting on Meetup.com. Eight people showed. Now the group has to keep changing the venue to fit the 100-plus people who turn out every month, one of more than 600 Dean “Meetups” across the country. So far, O’Connor has contributed $500 to the campaign and plans to give more.

- Newsweek
Welcome to Howard Dean's Meetup! The first Wednesday of every month has now become the source of exciting new social opportunities that will open up your lifestyle to everything true romance has to offer!

There are maybe 79,999 people out there just waiting to "meet up" with you. You're hot, you're sexy, and people find it appealing that you're involved and positive about an individual's ability to influence national elections at the grassroots level.

Women: Remember, the key to romance is that you're intelligent, assertive, and know what you want in a man. That's why you're there for Howard Dean. Men will find your enthusiasm for Dean stunningly, tantalizingly attractive. Don't to forget to let the phrase "Joe Trippi rocks" bounce invitingly off your tongue to wrap that magic man in your spell and keep him forever.

Remember: grass roots, not bleached roots.

Men: There's nothing a woman likes more than a guy who can say he "gave big to the candidate" and has "access." Make sure your Meetup tag is strategically placed to draw attention where you really want it. Dean has the best demographic among nubile, lithe women taut with anticipation and yearning for the thrills offered only by the active man in-the-know about Democratic politics and fully plugged-in to the presidential campaign.

We're glad you've chosen Howard Dean as your vehicle to exciting new relationships.

Howard Dean's MeetUp: it's not just for getting elected.

Secretary of Colin Powell reportedly told President Bush that he would not serve in his administration during a second term if President Bush were to be reelected. He did say, however, that he would be happy to stay on if Bush goes. "That's something I could live with," Powell said.

Powell is alleged to have told Bush that the reason that he would not be able to stay on because of "a commitment he had made to his wife." Pundits speculate that Powell had committed "not to spend one more minute with that bunch of fanatical right-wing a--holes."

"Those people keep asking you to lie, honey, and I won't have that,"
Mrs. Powell is not specifically known to have said, but here's hoping.

Powell later denied that he had ever told the President he would be leaving. "I'm not going anywhere," he said, reading from a series of white cards bearing Dick 's handwriting. He then reiterated that "invading was the right thing to do," and added " had WMD, anthrax, nuclear weapons, ties to al Queda, and herpes."

"And I stand by everything I said in the Waldorf transcripts."

Possible Constitutional Crisis Brewing

Scientists adding up the time which President Bush has spent on activities other than governing the country since he took office have discovered an amazing fact: he's spent less than no time governing.

Dr. Rab Scallion of the Geneva Institute For Time Management said, "If you add up all the time Bush has taken vacation, worked out, napped, rested, slept, eaten, run, swam, golfed, relaxed, snacked, watched football, choked on pretzels, nicknamed members of the press corps, and smirked, it adds up to more than the time he's actually been President. He's somehow spent less than no time working in the White House. It comes out to minus two months, give or take three hours."

The discovery marked the beginnings of what may be a unique constitutional crisis. "What do you do," said Scallion, "if, at the time of the next election, you discover that the sitting President has spent no time governing at all? Does a President's term start when he's sworn in or, as some are now arguing, when he starts to govern the country?"

Embracing this argument, some in the Bush Administration are suggesting that, upon review of Bush's activities come November, 2004, he may have four more years of governing to do before he can even run for a second term.

"It's a unique quandry," said Dr. Scallion.

Below the fold »

"I big fan," Kim Jong Il said, "I just have some fun." He explained that people had simply misinterpeted him when he threatened to blow things up, and that was simply portraying Dr. Evil, the famed madman from the Austin Powers movies. He put a stubby pinky finger to hs lips and said, "I blow up Califohnia unless you give me . . .. a bazill-yun dollah. Bwa-ha-ha-ha."

Jong Il said that the U.S. had misunderstood him. "Bad joke, maybe. Maybe in bad taste. I sorry. We no have nuclear weapon," he said. "We just bunch guys try have fun on slow day, like anyone else. We have some small missile, yes, that we like take out when things dull, blow something up, pass time, you know? Not that different than American."

Originally published on April 23, 2003