January 30, 2004
Capture Of Bin Laden In Preproduction; Slated For October Release

The long-awaited "Capture of Osama bin Laden" is in preproduction for a fall release, says an excited U.S. military. The film is expected to do "boffo business" at polling places all over America.

"We've already filmed some of the essential 'weapons and money found in Osama's hiding place' shots, and location scouts are narrowing in on a site for principal photography," said General Clive O'Selznick O'Hara, of the U.S. Army's 4th Cinematography Division.

"I have some brilliant ideas for shooting 'Osama," brilliant," said Col. David Stokes. "I can't say what exactly, but it's going to make the most spectacular use of flashbacks."

Special effects experts are busy planning shots of George W. Bush presenting Bin Laden, trussed like a turkey, on a platter to the American people.

"Bush will have a halo from a tightly focused ellipsoidal spot with slightly-shuttered barn doors and maybe an orange gel that we're strategically placing in the distance behind his head, or we can add it in post," said Cheryl Coccaphoon of the 2d Light Engineer's Batallion.

The Army is to apply for shooting permits in the "No Man's Land" in the south of Pakistan, but have been unable to determine yet who precisely has jurisdiction over the area.

Cross-posted at The American Street.

Posted by Tom at 11:03 AM in News | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

GOP Attempting to Lure Unnamed Democrat Back Into Race

At the suggestion of Karl Rove, Republicans are trying to get the unnamed Democratic candidate back into the race for President. Polls indicate that President Bush could have an edge over an unnamed Democratic opponent of 51 to 41.

"That's either percentage points or numbers of justices on a greatly expanded Supreme Court," explained pollster Jilly Ferprume.

Polls now indicate that the President may not do as well against a named Democratic opponent, such as John Kerry.

"We're trying very hard to get the unnamed candidate back into the race, but he has been reluctant," said Sam Guffren, a Republican advisor who wished to be quoted anonymously.

"He's short on funds, and he's been able to get this far on sheer name recognition alone," said Guffren, "but that's changing."

Posted by Tom at 08:07 AM in News | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

January 28, 2004
Democratic Dream Slate A Reality: Clark/Kerry/Edwards/Dean

Only Decision Remaining Is Which One Will Be President

Democrats were relieved to finally settle on a Democratic Dream Team Ticket consisting of Wesley Clark, John Edwards, John Kerry, and Howard Dean, even though neither the candidates nor the voters can decide exactly who should run for what.

"I want John Edwards, with John Kerry as Veep, Wesley Clark as Secretary of State, Howard Dean as the secret White House senior aid helping set domestic policy, and mustard and ketchup on the side," said Molly Hickok of Michafluen, Idaho.

"I totally agree," said Harmon Strum of Kentucky. "Except I want Kerry as President and some fries."

"It's so hard to decide," said Sally Weckleman of Ohio. "Everything looks so good."

"It''s good that Iowa and New Hampshire helped winnow the field from Howard Dean to Dean, Kerry, Edwards, and Clark," said Hugo Glockenspiel, an expatriated American living in Austin, Texas.

Glockenspiel hoped that the Democrats would finalize the ticket on February 3rd's "Super Tuesday," with its five primaries and two caucuses in seven states.

"I just hope that that won't narrow the field to the original nine," said Glockenspiel.

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January 27, 2004
Bush Nominated Best Actor; Karl Rove, Best Director; Donald Rumsfeld Named For Special Effects

Today, the White House garnered a host of nominations in a crowded field for this year's Academy Awards, stunning director Peter Jackson and actors Tobe Maguire and Uma Thurman.

George W. Bush was named for Best Actor, "for his depiction of an utterly carefree man blissfully leading the nation into war."

Karl Rove was named in the Best Director category for his "stunning manipulation of a difficult medium," and Dick was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay for his "scripting of scenario after scenario based on a work of fiction."

Bush was praised for his "convincing portrait of someone actually leading the country" and appearing "almost lifelike" by Sigourney Weaver, who announced the nominations this morning.

"Donald Rumsfeld was not a surprise," said Sid Fleckman of Variety. "The war was stunning. It may not have shocked and awed the is, but it certainly wowed us back home!"

Fleckman especially praised the nine-hour long POV shots from tanks driving at breakneck pace through hundreds of miles of desert.

The White House also garnered nominations for Best Cinematography for its depiction of Bush casually surprising a bunch of handpicked soldiers while holding a fake turkey.

"Now that's Hollywood," said Fleckman.

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hand_lg.gifKoufax Awards Commitee Nominate "Seabiscuit," Depp, Others

Opinions You Should Have has been nominated for Most Humorous Blog over at Wampum. This is part of the Koufax Awards, for lefty blogging excellence. The nominees are:

Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

Jesus' General

Opinions You Should Have

Pandagon

Neal Pollack

The Poor Man

skippy, the bush kangaroo

Tbogg

and World 'o Crap.

These are very fine blogs indeed, and the management is honored to be mentioned with them.

The blogs in every other category are excellent as well, and I urge you to go check them out. Go vote!

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January 26, 2004
Hey, Scalia, Thanks For All The Ducks. Stop Bagging My Quail.

Dear Antonin,

I and the "boys" would like to thank you for another wonderful time shooting "them thar ducks." You're right -- we should put them in a barrel next time.

I heard that Sandra Day was saying I'm a lousy shot. So I miss a few now and then. Just because I call the shots at the White House doesn't mean I can do the same thing with a shotgun! Har-har.

I hear they've just invented an amphibious monster RV at prices that start at a mere 850 grand. Next year we should get one of those babies and take it on the lake. That thing -- it's got gold and marble in every inch of it and -- gets about a quarter of a mile to a gallon. I love it. I'm going to have the Pentagon buy ten thousand of them, and offer tax breaks to anyone who picks one up.

Listen, I know you've been taking some heat about sitting in on my upcoming case. You better rule for me, or I'll leak that your wife is a CIA spy! (Just kidding.)

I don't want you to favor me just because we're hunting friends. Or because I hired your son as Acting Solicitor of Labor. Or because I get you tickets to stuff. Or because I take you to fancy dinners. Or because my oil runs your car.

I don't want you to favor me. (If anyone asks, you can tell them I said that.) I am not in the pocket of energy companies. They're in mine! Hyuck. (Don't tell them I said that!)

Antonin. What the hell kind of a name is that? Maybe I should call you Ant. "Hey, Ant, why don't you crawl over to the cooler and bring me over a beer!"

Keep your antennae out and keep your tiny head down. (Hey, you know I luv ya, ya big galoot!)

The "Dick" (Cheney)

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Work, Computer Failure, Horrific Winter Conspire To Keep Faux Journalist From Website

A confluence of events that could only be the work of a secret conservative cabal headed by Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch (the Axis of Weevils) has prevented the large, multidinous staff of Opinions You Should Have from fulfilling its mission of posting a new article in the past day or more.

The management apologizes for any inconvenience this has caused its fine, brilliant, winsome readers and promises an article this very evening.

Posted by Tom at 04:33 PM in Notices | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

January 22, 2004
Bush To Spend Half Billion Bucks On No-Job Training

Spending Will Halve Deficit, Says Prez

President Bush today fired the opening salvo in his reelection campaign in Ohio, announcing that he plans to pour a half billion dollars in credit card cash advances into "Lack of Job Training for the 21st Century."

The money is to be spent helping people adapt to the needs of emerging industries in the George W. Bush domestic economy. Under the program, training for everyone from young college students to retirees will be available in the growing fields of bankruptcy, unemployment counseling, and building homeless shelters. There will also be training for Repo Men.

"I'm very excited to be able to reach out to the people of Ohio and give them this helping hand. That's what our tiny Federal government was meant to do."

Posted by Tom at 10:06 AM in News | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)

January 21, 2004
Network And Cable Coverage Of State Of The Union More Balanced Than Ever

JOHN: We're back with more of our liberally biased and objective coverage of the President's State of the Union. Bob?

BOB: It was a masterful speech, strong and hardy -- like some of Campbell's soups, John.

JOHN: I think that's right. How was the delivery? We turn to drama critic Norman Lickspittle.

LICKSPITTLE: He pronounced all the words correctly, John, and punched all the right syllables. He's ready for Hamlet.

JOHN: Exactly, I thought so. Substance, Bob?

BOB: Well, Bush did exactly what he had to do: he told the Republicans that everything was all right and it was going to continue on course and get better, and he acknowledged to the Democrats that everything was broken but he had solid plans to fix everything. He praised his strengths, or created them out of whole cloth, and glossed over or plain didn't mention his failures.

LISA GIBBLER: He was aware but not aloof, in control, but not dictatorial, confident but concerned -- he struck the perfect balance, hit the perfect tone.

JOHN: He earned every single moment of applause that occurred, all 365 outbursts--

BOB: And that was just from us. Half of the Congressional Gallery applauded the speech 67 times--

JOHN: But not as heartily as we did, Bob. President Bush also adequately kindled the spark of fear in each and every American while assuring Americans that, as long as he's in office, they have nothing to be afraid of.

BOB: He reflected the mood of the country. He was complaisant, superficial, full of homilies and platitudes -- one of the great State speeches ever, John.

JOHN: I don't know which awed me more the speech -- or the man. They were both so, so . . .

BOB: Masterful?

JOHN: Yes. Now: let's hear from a conservative voice.

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January 19, 2004
Judith Steinberg Dean Actually Judith Dean Martin

Explains A Lot

Today, the Rat Pack's Peter Lawford revealed that the woman calling herself Judith Steinberg Dean, the wife of Democratic contender Howard Dean, is actually Dean Martin. He claimed that Martin had not died, but instead had a secret "sexual identity transplant" years ago, and that he had "found a new life.'

"You can understand why they've been hesitant to let her go on the campaign trail," said Brandon Lawford, a nephew who speaks for the dead Peter Lawford.

Lawford noted that Howard Dean was unaware of Judith Dean's terrible secret until a year ago, when Judith's impromptu performance of "Everybody Loves Somebody" at a small cocktail party sent a shock of recognition through the room that ended with a stunned silence. It was an unsettling revelation for the ambitious Governor of Vermont.

"Now you know why Howard Dean's so angry," said Lawford.

Lawford said that although it has been difficult for the couple, they have managed to accept things as they are and make some kind of peace with each other.

Sometimes Howard and the rest of the Dean family gather together to watch as Judith dangles a cigarette from her lips, takes a sip of a martini and sings, "That's Amore."

Posted by Tom at 12:40 PM in News | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

January 16, 2004
GOP To Reshuffle Swing States; Plan To Redistrict America

Texas, South Carolina Will Decide Election This Year, GOP Congress Declares

You'll find the full story at The American Street.

Yes! I'll be contributing there every Friday! (Or, as Skippy might say, "y! ibctef!")

If you haven't checked it out, there's an amazing bunch of people over there: skippy, Jeralyn Merritt of TalkLeft, Angry Bear and Kash, Dave Johnson of Seeing The Forest, Kevin Hayden, Chuck Currie, Dave Neiwart of Orcinus, Luis Toro of Colorado Luis, Mary Ratcliff, Mark A.R. Kleiman, Digby of Hullabaloo, Jeff Alworth -- and, if you can believe it, some as-yet-to-be-named bloggers.

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January 15, 2004
U.S. To Invade Mars

Mars Considering Preemptive Attack; Rover Held Hostage

President Bush announced yesterday that he was putting into effect plans to invade Mars "as soon as possible in order to free the 'bound water' we've been hearing so much about."

"This bound water -- held hostage to a forbidding environment, unable to enjoy any of the freedoms or liberties we have here in America -- needs to be . . . unbound," said Bush. He proposed a costly program to establish a way station on the Moon and space troop transports. President Bush has reportedly watched "Starship Troopers" twelve times in the past week and a half.

Critics noted that the President's motives did not ring true, particularly in light of Dick 's remarks last week that "we have every reason to beleive that Mars is tied to al Queda. For one thing, look at Mars. Looks just like Afghanistan." Condoleeza Rice has also been heard speculating that Hussein had moved his WMD's to Mars "in a last ditch effort to bamboozle the United States."

Dr. Erich von Whiffleheim agreed that President Bush's proffered reason for the Mars invasion rang false. "This is water 'bound' in ze porous rock of Mars. It doesn't need to be freed. It is quite indifferent to its zituation." Dr. Whiffleheim is a psychiatrist.

Mars did not take President Bush's declaration well, insisting that "inspections by the craft you have named after your leader's senior advisor" -- the rover -- "have been working. We fail to understand why the U.S. disregards diplomacy in its mad rush to war. That is all. Beep." The rover is now transmitting only its name, serial code, and copyright, and is believed to be in custody.

Posted by Tom at 01:29 PM in News | Comments (4) | TrackBack (1)

January 14, 2004
White House To Promote Marriage Of Neil Bush And Britney Spears

The White House is planning to spend $1.5 billion to promote the institution of marriage. It is starting by encouraging Neil Bush and Britney Spears to act as "marital role models" and marry each other.

The marriage of Britney Spears and Neil Bush is to kick off the epic celebration of the sacred institution, and to demonstrate "just how special marriage is," according to Gladys Halfwit of the U.S. Commission on Marriages Sanctioned By The Conservative Base.

After the ceremony, Britney will perform "Oops, I Did It Again," and the couple will then honeymoon in Thailand, "a favorite of Neil's," said Halfwit.

Britney, who is a republican, said through a spokesperson, "Marry Neil Bush? I mean, ewww. How gross is that? But it's my duty to the country."

Neil Bush again noted that he lives an absolutely charmed life.

"The real question," leaked Dick , "is whether $1.5 billion is enough, given the current deficit, to spend on marriage. Hell, I know lots of guys who spent way more than that getting divorces."

Posted by Tom at 12:54 PM in News | Comments (4) | TrackBack (2)

January 13, 2004
U.S. Revises Self-Rule Plan; Replaces Caucuses With Caucasians

Responding to the demands of powerful Shiite leader Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani to get rid of caucuses as a method of selecting members of an interim i government, the United States has swiftly revised its initial plan and replaced the caucuses with caucasians.

The revised plan came about after senior advisors met with President Bush about the Ayatollah's concerns and discussed the planned caucuses.

"I had no idea there were so many caucasians in ," said Bush. "Do they have black people there too?"

Despite attempts to explain to President Bush that the staff wanted to replace the caucuses with caucuses -- albeit "more transparent" caucuses than originally planned, whatever that means -- President Bush insisted that they tell the Ayatollah that "there's nothing wrong with caucasians choosing an interim government in ."

The new plan is for a bunch of U.S. government supplied white people to choose the i interim government.

"It's very similar to the old plan, but it's more transparent," said Brent Doogledorf, a White House press spokesperson.

Posted by Tom at 11:54 AM in News | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

January 12, 2004
Bush Claims He Is Not Puppet, Says Rove

Strings to Be Adjusted Wednesday

President Bush responded today to charges by Former Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neill that Bush was disengaged and seemed to be doing the bidding of other senior White House advisors. President Bush, sitting on the knee of Karl Rove, fiercely denied being a "puppet" or a "dummy" controlled by others. Rove's lips were barely moving when Bush spoke to the press today.

"I'm simply not a puppet," said Bush, while Karl Rove attempted to drink a glass of water, but ended up spilling it down his shirt. "I'm my own man."

The White House announced today that President Bush would have his strings adjusted at a hospital on Wednesday, and that the treatment was simply routine.

"Sometimes the President's mouth gets stuck," said Dick Cheney. "You'll have your hand up his back and pull the string and something weird comes out of his mouth. That just pisses me off."

Dick Cheney, who ordered that the U.S. attack as early as January, 2001, and Karl Rove, who dictated the tax cuts, complained that "sometimes the President doesn't respond to his controls as well as we would like."

Floyd Raisenette, an "imagineer" for the Disney Corporation, is to have a look at Bush later this week to see if Bush can be fitted with sophisticated audioanimatronics, the robotics devices Disney uses to, among other things, animate the presidents in "The Hall of Presidents" at DisneyWorld.

"I know we already have one," said Floyd. "But it pretty much just grins and nods. If it's going to say 'Everything's absolutely perfect,' all the time, it's going to have to refitted."

Posted by Tom at 12:43 PM in News | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

January 10, 2004
Cabinet Meeting

President Bush showed little interest in policy discussions in his first two years in the White House, leading Cabinet meetings "like a blind man in a roomful of deaf people," former Treasury secretary Paul H. O'Neill says in an upcoming book on the Bush White House.
Official White House Transcript

Bush: Are we ready? Where the hell is everyone?

Secretary Rumsfeld: What the hell did he say?

Secretary Powell: Huh?

Read More


Posted by Tom at 03:10 PM in News | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)

January 08, 2004
Jeb Bush Launches Faith-based Postal Service

Sinners Can Opt-Out, But Will End Up In Hell, Bush Says

Gov. Jeb Bush told nearly 800 prisoners Wednesday that religion can help lead them to a better life as he dedicated the nation's first faith-based prison -- an institution officials hope will lead to fewer repeat offenders.
Florida governor Jebediah Bush launched the country's first faith-based postal system today, pledging to "carry the mail of the faithful." He said that non-believing sinners could opt-out of the system, but cautioned that only his postal system took letters "back and forth with God's blessing."

Gospel choirs and religious statuary have been added to post offices throughout the state. Inside, the offices have the standard service windows for registered and unregistered mail, packages, and express mail, and a new window for confessions.

At a dedication ceremony today, postal workers were met with cries of "Sort it!" and "Send that letter!" as a choir sang "I Write The Words," a gospel rendition of Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs."

Governor Bush says he cannot promise that letters to God will be met with answers. "Despite my enhanced relationship with the Lord I cannot promise that. But it can happen. Just rememember to include a SASE."

Posted by Tom at 10:35 AM in News | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

January 07, 2004
Bush To Put "Stop Order" On Swing Voters; May Not Vote For Democrat Until End Of Year

Just as the Pentagon recently issued a "stop order" prohibiting soldiers from leaving the Army when their commitments expire, Karl Rove enacted a Presidential "stop order" requring all swing voters to continue to vote Republican until the end of 2004.

The order doesn't just restrict the conduct of individual voters, but forces Ohio, Missouri, Arizona, Tennessee, Nevada and eleven other states to give their electoral votes to the Republican presidential candidate in the November election.

The order also requires that the Supreme Court vote to reinstate Bush if it "comes down to that."

The White House responded to criticisms that the order makes a mockery of democracy. "Not at all," said press secretary Scott McClellan. "Just as with the military order, extreme measures are justified by extreme times. In the interest of national security, the President has ordered that he be reelected. There's nothing untoward about that."

Tom Daschle made one of his strongest announcements to date, again demonstrating why the Democrats depend upon him to lead the party. "This order needs to be looked at," said Daschle. "We're going to look at it and get back to you. So there."

A poll of Americans revealed that over 56% of the American public were untroubled by the order. "If that's what the President says we need to do, then I guess we should do it," said Sylvia Blipner, a housewife with three doctorates from Yale. "I mean, he's the President."

Ms. Blipner went out of her way to mention, however, that she was immensely troubled that Kelly Clarkson had been "screwed out of her rightful place as World Idol."

"I mean, that's a crime."

Posted by Tom at 11:27 AM in News | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

January 06, 2004
Pentagon To Embed Soldiers With M-16's In Newsrooms Across Country

Hope Initiative "Softens" Tone Of War Coverage

Defense Department spokesman Larry DiRita first complained about Post military reporter Tom Ricks in a letter to editors, then met with the newsroom bosses to press his points, reports Harry Jaffe. . . .Ricks has not exactly been a cheerleader for the war in . The Pentagon was not pleased with his March 27 piece quoting military brass that they had trained for the wrong war against a different enemy that would take longer to defeat.
The Pentagon announced a bold new program today for "encouraging the exchangement (sic) of views between journaliists and the military." Soldiers armed with M-16's, hand-grenades, rocket launchers, and MRE's will be placed in "virtually every newsroom in the nation."

"This way journalists will be able to turn to the heavily armed marine with the brush cut and the Semper Fi tattoo who's sharpening his bayonet when they need a fresh read to help them put the story in perspective," said General Harvey Frond of the Pentagon.

The Pentagon has also started to embed soldiers with journalists in the field, although the program has already met with one mishap. Yesterday, one of the first soldiers to take part in the program misunderstood his orders and actually embedded a reporter in a field. Sgt. Ruddy Baker promised he would not do it again.

This reporter finds the practice questionable and certain to impact negatively on the impartial reporting of the American military a boon to journalism in a free society.

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January 02, 2004
Regarding The Stewardship Of The American Empire

President Bush's chief of staff dismissed as "a moot point" any lingering question about whether Bush relied on faulty intelligence to justify the invasion of Iraq.
To The Secretary Of The Press:

Please accept the following advice on which to base your intercourse with the gentlemen in the press gallery. It is my observation that the stories to which that brood assign great importance are, in fact, of little consequence to the course of this great Nation. This is especially true when you accept that everything we do is right. It will be mutually beneficial to the members of the press and this institution to convince the People that this is the case. I therefore forward to you my recommendations for addressing inquiries about these matters.

1. The War With Iraq

Moot. It is, of course, not of the least moment the substance of the communications between the American President and the People over whom he presides, in urging them to accept that most consequential of decisions -- the decision to go to war. When the President himself is confident that, whatever the reason, war is necessary, that is the end of the inquiry. This is especially true where, as here, the war has satisfactorily been concluded and some matter of substance has been gained, even if the initial momentum toward war be founded upon a flagrant misunderstanding of the situation.

Please continue to avoid any discussion of our efforts to diminish the accumulating costs of caring for and transporting our wounded and dead.

2. The Incident Concerning Madame Plame

Moot. I merely reiterate our longstanding position: Madame Plame's reputation for the transaction of surreptitious activities was the subject of many a Washington conversation and her identity altogether less than clandestine; she was not an Agent, but was merely an Analyst; and Robert Novak is not really a writer, in even the broadest definition afforded the title.

We are confident that none of the highest-ranking members of our institution can be connected to the scandal, and we may continue to deny involvement without fear of rapprochemént.

3. The Reduction of Tax Levies Upon The Affluent

Moot. The alleviation of governmental pressure upon the monied classes is beneficial to the economic health of the Nation, and will prove so once the money trickles onto the heads of the fortunate subjects remaining below.

The measure of stock market value is again inclining upward, the purses of the privileged are bulging, and the lending of money is at a most felicitous apex. No more need be said.

4. The Lack Of Gainful Employment For The Lower And Middle Classes

The constant harping upon the temporary loss of remuneration among those of the less fortunate classes is thankfully easing now. The recurrent lowering of the rate of the primary interest to virtually nothing has finally introduced into the national economy some life-giving warmth, not unlike the body of one forced to imbibe a draft of holiday cheer in order to chase away the pallor of neglect. In our circumstance, we have poured enough sherry into the body to wash it away, but it has finally brought some vigor to the near corpse that is the economy. We may thus claim victory and ensure the public that a return to full employment is near; we can only hope that we can maintain our present course until after the election.

More to the point, surely these people have something to do with their now-copious free time.

5.The Election Of The Austrian Strongman

We must maintain a relationship with Mr. Schwarzenegger of sufficient character that we may take credit for his successes and maintain distance from his failures. In this way we have some hope of carrying the state, however imbalanced it may be, in November.

6. The Possibility Of Gaps In Our Control Of Domestic Terrorism

With respect to the discovery of implements of cataclysmic impact at home, it is best that we not speak of this at all. It is my hope that our inattention to these matters does not receive unfavorable attention due to the occurrence of an untoward incident. As you know, it would be difficult to pursue those objectives we adjudge favorable to the course of the Nation were we to focus upon such. We must make sacrifices in order to ensure our occupation of the White House and secure our ability to work toward the Greater Good.


With Great Sincerity, I Remain
Yours, etc., etc.,

Chancellor Karl Rove