December 30, 2003
Ashcroft More Than Confident He Has Already Destroyed Plame Investigation, Steps Down
John Ashcroft leaked today that he would recuse himself three months after he began the investigation of his closest friends and advisors, because "it would be difficult to damage the investigation further at this time."
Ashcroft was particularly happy that he'd been able to delay the request of important White House documents until he had given the White House an opportunity to destroy them.
The investigation was handed over to the completely impartial presently sitting U.S. Attorney Patrick J. Fitzgerald, who was appointed as U.S. Attorney by Ashcroft himself, and who depends on the favor of the White House to keep that position.
"I've been told to say that my impartiality cannot be questioned," said Fitzgerald.
"I promise this investigation won't fizzle out, and that just because we end up indicting some low grade staffer, that will absolutely not mean that we failed to push this investigation toward a high level White House official who pays the salary of the man who pays my salary."
Democrats praised Ashcroft for waiting only three months to recuse himself. "Now we can be assured that justice will be done!" cried Sen. Chuck Schumer. "I am thoroughly satisfied, and it doesn't bother me in the least that Mr. Ashcroft read each and every memo on the investigation for the past three months, often redrafting them. God bless America. Excuse me, I have to go vote for a bloated GOP-written bill that's totally against the interest of my party."
FBI Explains: Almanacs Key To Dillinger's Capture, Others
The FBI has warned police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.
"All Points Bulletin," Special Agent Floyd Netty radioed. "Be on the lookout for an olive-skinned man carrying an almanac and favoring his left leg. That is all."
"Almanacs were the key to our greatest arrests," explained Netty. "Bonnie and Clyde carried a big old almanac; Dillinger had one on his pocket watch chain; Capone had a stooge with an almanac with him at all times. Follow the almanacs, you find the criminals," he said.
The FBI has also asked citizens to look out for olive-skinned individuals with strange accents asking for directions to "the nearest large gathering of peoples who are wanting to be infected" and "are you knowing the way to many softest targets in the area."
But modern criminals disagreed with the FBI's approach. "I never carry an almanac no more," said Mohammed al Ackbar, a terrorist in a sleeper cell in Detroit. "I have a GPS in my palm pilot that has a complete readout of nuclear power plants in the entire ecountry. Very handy."
Mr. Ackbar said that it was not inconceivable that terrorists would carry almanacs, however. "I am finding the almanac very fascinating," he said. "Are you knowing that the walleye is the official fish of South Dakota?"
December 28, 2003
Mad Cow Actually Only "Mildly Neurotic," Says Bush
Today, President Bush declared that an infected cow afflicted with mad cow disease had been only "mildly neurotic," and urged calm.
"Everything's just fine, the way it always has been, the way it always will be," said Bush. "This is going to be a great year for America, and a slightly imbalanced cow isn't going to ruin that one little bit."
"I'm still eating plenty of beef," he added. "I think everyone will agree that I'm not insane yet." The President chopped the air for emphasis about 60 times, and then laughed for five or ten minutes without stopping.
Bush called the press conference to rebut allegations that his administration -- which some say projects an air of complete certainty about the future and the results of its actions or inactions -- failed adequately to prepare for or safeguard against the spectre of mad cow disease and the economic consequences of the outbreak.
"That cow wasn't paranoid," said Bush. "We were out to get it," and laughed again.
"Beef," said the President, closing out the press conference. "The other red meat."
December 26, 2003
U.S. Upset That French Released Airline Passengers Without Probable Cause
Should Have Detained Passengers A Year Or Two, Says Ashcroft
On Thursday, French officials said they had released all the passengers, including one French citizen, one American, one German and several Algerians. "There was absolutely nothing there," said a spokesman for the French Interior Ministry.John Ashcroft and other high ranking Bush Administration officials said the French were "soft on terror" after they released all the passengers booked on six Air France flights to Los Angeles after a mere ten hours. Authorities believed that some of the passengers may have had links to al Qaeda and may have had plans to do something in the future to someone or something somewhere.
"This is not the way we deal with terrorists in the United States," said Ashcroft. "If you're serious, you detain everybody for at least a year."
Andy Card agreed. "The French had no reason to believe that any of those passengers was not connected to terrorism, but still they just let them march right out of custody and back to their lives and families. Pathetic."
"I guess it must be a froggy thing," said Ashcroft.
At first officials suspected that those who showed up to board the flight could be terrorists, but they now suspect that those who did not show up to take the flight could be terrorists.
December 25, 2003
A Visit To The Holiday Mailbag
Every year, I try to gussy up the place here to reflect the holiday spirit, get some fancy java-run animated reindeer and so on, and every year, instead of adding some decent graphics, I ask you to simply close and open your eyes rapidly and imagine twinkling red and green lights. Isn't that pretty?
Christmas is the day the crew at OYSH open up our presents: the letters and packages in the holiday mailbag! We've tried to answer your most vexing questions.
If Santa knows whether you've been naughty or nice, how is he different than John Ashcroft?
Santa never lost an election to a dead man. Santa likes statues of naked chicks. Santa is a snappier dresser. Santa doesn't write crappy songs. I could go on all day.
If you're so smart, how come you're not President?
I don't know. I wasn't elected either. It hardly seems fair. I say all those who weren't elected President should take turns running the country. I call the Lincoln bedroom.
Is Wolfowitz an elf?
Yes, but a very angry elf.
Is a Christmas card that says "Peace on Earth" unpatriotic?
If you have to ask, you're this close to being indicted.
Read More »
What is a blog? What is a blob?
There is no spoon.
Is eggnog good for you?
Not if it's got mad eggnog disease.
Can I enjoy Christmas with my family, knowing that Dick is suffering?
This is a trick question.
When Tom Ridge mentions homeland security should I worry?
Yes. You should worry.
Why does Santa have a beard. I thought only evil doers like Saddam, Castro and bin Laden had them? Should I let him in my house?
All I know is that Lorne Green is, like, the devil. Does he have a beard?
This is just the top of the mailbag. More later. Happy Holidays!
« Close It
December 23, 2003
Lenny Bruce Granted Posthumous Pardon; Kerry Campaign Almost Ready To Seek Same
New York Governor Geroge Pataki today granted Lenny Bruce a posthumous pardon for cursing in public, prompting Kerry's campaign to announce that they would seek a pardon as well, as soon as the campaign was officially pronounced dead. (Kerry was recently assailed by Republicans for cursing in a Rolling Stone magazine interview .)
"We don't think we can seek posthumous relief for several weeks yet," said Kylie Fatigas, a Kerry campaign staffer.
Experts say the campaign still has a weak pulse and exhibits shallow breathing, although everyone agrees that brainwave activity stopped "a good while back."
December 22, 2003
Threat Level Raised To "Orange-er"
"High-ish" Risk Present, Says Ridge
The Homeland Security Department raised the threat level to "orange-er" Sunday, noting the the risk level was "higher-ish" than it had been when the threat level was last raised to orange.
"The risk may be greater than at any time since September 11," said Ridge, noting that the level of terrorist chatter had reached the threshold that intelligence officials called "loud cocktail party blather."
"We 're encouraged, however, that the chatter hasn't yet reached the level of 'boisterously drunken boasting' -- 'B.D.B.'" said CIA official Matt Whelk.
The last time that the threat level was raised to orange, Ridge said that a terrorist attack was "almost certain." The threat level is higher this time because a terrorist attack is "almost more certainer," said Ridge.
"If that's the case, Secretary Ridge," said reporter Anthea Flisk, "How come the level hasn't been raised to Code Red, or Severe?"
"We can't do that," said Ridge. "Going to red means we have to put Vice-President in a sealed capsule the size of a muffin."
December 21, 2003
Old But Gold
White House Financing Government Operations With Credit Card Cash Advances
Over 49,000 Cards Found In Karl Rove's Desk
It was recently discovered that the White House has been financing government operations from cash advances on thousands of credit cards that it has applied for under the names of dead presidents. Millard Fillmore alone has over 360 credit cards issued in his name.
Abraham Lincoln is now known in the credit industry as a "heavy borrower."
"It is not yet known how the White House has established credit lines for so many dead people," said Isadora Mallomud of the Heightened Curiosity in Economic Affairs Institute. . . .
Republished in honor of Jerome Armstrong's RepubliCard.
Originally published on July 16, 2003. Read the whole original article here.
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December 20, 2003
Forgotten Weapons Found In Libya's Arsenal
Investigators found, in the back of Quaddafi's closet, a rumination on what Libya's loss means to the Axis of Evil, and a compelling new version of A Chistmas Carol, and The Wiggles.
December 19, 2003
Democrats Declare Nader Enemy Combatant; Nader Abducted And Detained
Nader A Clear Threat To The Security Of The Nation, Candidates Say
In a rare show of cooperation between members of the same political party, candidates Wesley Clark and Howard Dean declared Ralph Nader to be an "enemy combatant" today. Forces said to under the control of retired General Wesley Clark moved swiftly to make a "citizen's arrest" and spirited Nader away to an undisclosed location.
"If Nader is allowed to run for President again, the whole nation will suffer," said Clark.
"I supported this action not just because of Nader's potential candidacy, but also because of Nader himself," Dean agreed. "I'm surprised nobody's thought of doing this before."
Nader has not been provided access to an attorney "because he is one," said Howard Dean.
Strangely, no one, not even the Republican Party or Nader's supporters, protested the abduction and seclusion of Nader.
"The guy's a freaking menace to society," Dick Cheney said while warming his hands in the pockets of a very large oil company.
John Ashcroft applauded the action, noting that, as far as he's concerned, detention of an American citizen by another American citizen "is entirely lawful."
"Listen" said a former Nader supporter. "What difference does it make? All those enemy combatants are exactly alike."
December 16, 2003
Constant Medical Exams Of Saddam Turn Up Missing WMD
Enough Toxin In Tonsils To Infect Many Other Tonsils, Experts Say
Doctors who had examined Saddam Hussein over 647 times in the 24 hours following his arrest say they have found all of the missing WMD on Saddam Hussein's person.
"Now we know why his beard was so big and bushy," said one doctor.
Saddam's throat contained two fake tonsils that contained deadly biochemical toxins. "There was enough toxin in one of those fake tonsils to infect all of the tonsils in several major American cities," said Claire Daloon, of the Mississippi BioTech Center.
"People thought we were spending an inordinate amount of time inspecting Saddam, but it all paid off," said General Major Kirk Binomial of the 3rd Expeditionary Force.
Saddam's enormous bushy beard contained several mobile bioweapons labs, twelve Scud missiles, some African yellowcake enclosed in a lead capsule, and a dachshund named Mordecai, who had disappeared in early March.
"Not only is America a lot safer now," Binomial said, "but Mordecai and his owner have been happily reunited."
President Bush declared the discovery of the WMDs "exactly what he had expected all long."
"That's the problem with missing WMDs," scoffed Bush. "They're always in the last place you look for them."
December 14, 2003
Model For Toppled Statue Found
Found While Posing For Sculpture Of Man In Deep Hole
The model who was the basis for the famous Baghdad "Toppled Statue" was located today in what authorities call a "hole."
"It's really great," said Paul Bremer. "I'm pretty sure we'll have democracy inside of a week now."
Iraqis greeted the news with jubilation, and announced that they would now "get rid of all these warring tribes and factions," convert to Christianity, and form a stable democracy tomorrow.
"I'm really impressed," said Jorge Ipliano, a U.S. expert and consultant on terrorism. "It's amazing how quickly we can subdue and capture a castrated dictator."
The U.S. expects the entire Middle East region to stabilize by week's end, and terrorism to disappear from the planet as late as Thursday.
December 12, 2003
France, Germany Crap On White House Carpet
Bush, Again, Smacks Countries On Nose With Rolled-Up Newspaper
President Bush was dealt a setback today in his efforts to train France and other countries to roll over when France and several other nations took large dumps on the rug.
"Gol' durn it," said Bush. He locked all the offending countries in the basement without supper.
"I don't understand," said a perplexed Bush as he fed small treats to the extremely cute nation Birkina Faso, which was curled up at his feet.
"I can't figure out why it's so hard to get these nations to do a few tricks," he said.
James Baker has been brought in to try and bring errant nations to heel.
"Sit!" Baker told Russia, but the only result of his command was that Andy Card quickly threw himself into a chair.
President Bush has countless hoops set up in the back yard for other countries to jump through.
"Some of them countries will go through every single one," he mused. "Some of them -- well, I guess we just haven't broken them yet."
December 09, 2003
Gore To Claim He Invented Dean, Says GOP
Al Gore is set to claim today that he invented Howard Dean, according to GOP stalwarts.
"That guy's just a wacko who takes credit for everything," said Tod Wanksmen, aide to RNC chief Marc Racicot.
Soon-to-be-former Democratic candidates reacted to the announcement.
"If Al Gore wants to say he invented Dean, I have to respect his sorry, lying ass," said Sen. Joseph Lieberman. "I promised not to badmouth Al, and I will respect that, and I have respected that, and I will continue to run the same fine campaign that I--" whereupon Lieberman stopped, having droned himself into a deep coma.
John Kerry, through a spokesman, said, "Al Gore can go fuck himself."
Richard Gephardt had this to say: "Richard Gephardt was standing right next to Al Gore when he invented Howard Dean, and together we forged Howard Dean, and I remember telling Al Gore, you better invent Howard Dean, and I'm glad that Al Gore listened to me when I gave him that sage advice."
General Wesley Clark was too busy campaigning to comment. Dennis Kucinich, Carol Mosely Braun were too busy pretending to campaign.
Al Sharpton said, "I'll tell you this. Al Gore didn't invent Al Sharpton! That's something you can't cook up in a lab. I'll let you in on a litttle secret. I invented Al Gore."
December 08, 2003
White House Tells Kerry To Shut The Fuck Up
The White House today asked for an apology from Sen. John Kerry for telling Rolling Stone magazine that Bush had "f--ed up" .
"He should shut the fuck up," said Andy Card, White House Chief of Staff. "He should fucking shut up already."
Dick Cheney said, "That man is a fucking embarrassment to the national political intercourse."
Kerry was last said to be mulling over telling White House staffers to go fuck themselves.
It was a refreshing moment for Kerry, who has gotten little positive press during his campaign for the presidency before this. Campaign staffer Diane Freckler said, "We're going to savor each last fucking moment."
December 07, 2003
Bush Aims High -- Will Send Man To Moon, May Even Stop Global Warming, Provide Homeland Security
President Bush recently outlined a wish list of lofty goals to pursue over the next several years, mentioning sending more men to the moon, promoting longevity, ending child hunger, or even stopping global warming and providing actual security in the homeland.
"We are thinking about providing real funding to the Homeland Security Department," leaked Dick Cheney, "with the goal of actually making the nation secure. Or maybe we could establish a permanent outpost on the moon instead."
"You have to admit the moon outpost option is a lot sexier," leaked Karl Rove.
Nine out of ten Democrats said that sending a man to the moon was an excellent goal, as long as that man was George W. Bush. "We don't have much money to spend on big goals," said Democrat Kirsti Summers, who was taking up a collection, "but sending Bush to the moon could end up saving us trillions."
December 04, 2003
In Reversal, Dean To Move Secret Papers to Bush Library
Howard Dean, who has been under fire for keeping records of his governorship under seal, has backed away from his earlier statements that he would review the records with a mind toward making them public. Instead, Dean plans to move his records to the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library in Texas, "so that they can remain sealed forever," said Dean.
Dean's papers will be placed next to the records of George W. Bush's Texas governorship.
"If it's good enough for President Bush, it's good enough for me," said Dean. "The more I thought about it, a ten-year seal just doesn't seem like long enough.'
Howard Dean's papers will thus join, in spirit if not in location, the records of Reagan, Bush I and Bush II, all of which have been squirreled away to protect them from the prying eyes of the public.
"Secrecy may be the enemy of a democracy," said Sue Polliwog, a prominent GOP pollster, "but it is a great friend of the politician."
December 03, 2003
Liberal Bloggers Willing To Do Anything To Demonstrate Problems With DieBold Voting Machines
Manipulate Blogosphere Ecosystem To Make a Point
Not only is the country's leading touch-screen voting system so badly designed that votes can be easily changed, but its manufacturer is run by a die-hard GOP donor who vowed to deliver his state for Bush next year.Liberal bloggers, in an attempt to demonstrate that Diebold voting machines are flawed and need paper trails, manipulated N.Z. Bear's famous Blogosphere Ecosystem to make their blogs appear more popular than Britney Spears' official website.
The so-called "League of Liberals" hacked into the Diebold software underlying the Ecosystem, which ranks blogs by importance, visibility, traffic, and readership, collecting electronic information about each blog on the web. N.Z. Bear, proprietor of the ecosystem, said that he was installing paper trails immediately.
The lack of a paper trail has been wreaking havoc in other electronic systems.
In Nebraska, marriages are conducted electronically in "paperless" ceremonies. As a result, numerous husbands and wives have been caught attempting to hack the marriage database.
In one extreme attempt, Wendy Luskin was forced to collect receipts from romantic dinners just to demonstrate that she and her husband dated, after he had deleted their marriage entirely and altered the database to indicate that he had instead married 27-year-old bikini model Bambi Tarkington.
In another incident, Samantha Thud deleted husband Brad's birth certificate from central government computers, showing, as she had often told him, that he did not exist.
"Electronic votingsk system is not problem," said The Commissar, an election systems expert. "Problem is voting scheme where you do not know results before election, da?"
December 02, 2003
A Letter to General Abizaid From the Field
The US military has said it believes 54 insurgents were killed in intense exchanges in the northern Iraqi town of Samarra on Sunday but commanders admitted they had no bodies. . . .
Lieutenant Colonel Ryan Gonsalves, who commands the 166th Armoured Battalion in Samarra, also said his troops were not in possession of the bodies. The death toll, he said, was "based on the reports we got from the ground."General:
I have reconstructed the number of enemy wounded and killed in action during the recent engagement in Samarra. At least fifteen is were shot by soldiers with their M-1 rifles. No surprise there. But it is truly amazing what the rest of our soldiers did, and I myself would not beleive it if I hadn't heard it with my own ears.
Cpl. John Frolick shot two Iraqis, ran out of ammo, and constructed makeshift bullets out of chewing gum, MRE's, and tobacco -- then killed seven more. Pvt. Enrique Johnson bayoneted seven Iraqis, and then constructed an elaborate booby trap made from the deck of 52 wanted cards that exploded if anIraqi picked the Ace of Clubs. He tells me he killed fifteen with this device. Sgt. Sheila Carnahan informed me, while we were talking about her otherwise poor performance in the platoon, that she strangled twenty-four Iraqis with her bare hands and bayonetted eight with a hairpin. I now can recommend her for an immediate promotion and a swift commendation. And Johnson told Carnahan that he heard that dumb Joe Flannery -- you remember? The guy who accidentally blew up the canteen stateside? -- fell on several Iraqis and crushed them with some heavy ordinance he was carrying at the time of the ambush. I figure that that adds up to about 56 or so.
I am absolutely proud of the job that our men have told me they did. We may not be as good at counting as we are at killing, but next time, we hope to have a body or two around to assist us in our mathematical endeavors.
Lt. Col. John Festering, Extremely Commanding
166th Armored Battalion