October 5, 2003
History Of Rampant Sexual Abuse No Longer Impediment To Holding Elective Office; Gary Hart And Others Laugh, Cry

The probable election of Arnold Schwarzenegger by savvy, discriminating Californians ushered in a new era today, where politicians "finally need not fear exposing the lust in their heart or the gleam in their eye," said Shrubnik Mensch, a senior analyst with the Brookings Institute. The news brought mixed reactions among politicians of all stripes and appetites.

Gary Hart bemoaned the newly refined attitude toward sexual "indiscretions."

"Nowadays, cavorting with a willing and attractive blond on a yacht seems tame by comparison," said Hart. "Dang."

Theodore Harrington III, a wealthy publishing magnate planning to buy an elective office in the near future, regretted not openly groping and pawing women like they were animals in the past. "I've missed so many opportunities in life," he said tearfully.

Shrubnik Mensch was unsure how much, exactly, attitudes have changed. "I'm not sure there are new rules about consensual sex. But I think if you force yourself on a woman -- well, if you hold it against them, people no longer hold it against you."

On Capital Hill, nonstop parties filled with flowing liquor and the open groping of Congressional pages marked the celebration of a new "honest" era. Strom Thurmond came back from the dead to pinch the butt of a 16-year-old.

"This is great," Thurmond, said, through a spokesman. "If I would of known this would happen, I never would have died."

In California, touching someone's breasts against their will is a crime. Depending on the circumstances, it can be a felony, punishable by up to three years' imprisonment. There is no question that the nonconsensual touching of a woman's breast is, at the very least, a misdemeanor, punishable by up to six months' imprisonment. California Penal Code Section 243.4(e)(1) provides:

Any person who touches an intimate part of another person, if the touching is against the will of the person touched, and is for the specific purpose of sexual arousal, sexual gratification, or sexual abuse, is guilty of misdemeanor sexual battery, punishable by a fine not exceeding two thousand dollars ($2,000), or by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding six months, or by both that fine and imprisonment.

Posted by Tom Burka at 8:25 PM in News