March 21, 2005
Other 293 Million Americans Waiting For Congress To Pass Bills For Them

The success of Congress's record-breakingly speedy passage of a bill specifically crafted for the parents and brother of persistently-vegetative Terry Schiavo induced a furor this morning as America's other 293 million inhabitants eagerly awaited their own "personal legislation."

"I can't wait," said seven-year-old Terry Dooley, who has petitioned Congress to pass legislation ordering Schwinn to give him a new bike.

Americans couldn't be happier that Congress is finally doing something for them. "Now, this is your government at work," said Piper Cobb, who has asked Congress for a law requiring credit card companies to give him an exceptionally low rate of interest with no late payment fees.

"The era of the individually targeted law has arrived," said Professor Anthony Garnabanzo. "Congress has finally abandoned the idea of forging general domestic policies that impact on the entire country."

Tammy Gamble of Illinois has asked Congress to pass a law stopping the accelerating erosion of health care benefits offered by her employer, Sears. "Pretty soon we will not be able to afford the cost of my cancer medication copayment," she said.

Garnabanzo traced the evolution of so-called "personally crafted" legislation back to the advent of George W. Bush's presidency. "When the Supreme Court created a personal private right of action protecting George W. Bush from counting the Florida ballots, it was just a matter of time before they started protecting other people."

UPDATE: Two new developments in the Schiavo case:
God's 15-Year Quest To Call Terri Schiavo Home Delayed By Congress and Doctors Declare Congress "Persistently Vegetative," Petition For Withdrawal of Life Support.

Posted by Tom Burka at 6:31 AM in News