February 7, 2008
Romney To Spend More Time With His Money

Mitt Romney explained today that he was dropping out of the U.S. Presidential race in order to spend more time with his money. Romney said that the time on the campaign trail had really harmed his ability to spend "quality time with my bills."

Romney explained that some of his money had been extremely neglected, and shook his head, noting that even several of his fifties had become severely creased.

He reassured stunned supporters, saying that he would still have plenty of time to flip flop his positions on every conceivable issue and praise African Americans for their "bling-bling".

On the plus side, Romney said he was looking forward to spending more time not drinking coffee and less time assuring Americans that his personal religious beliefs don't matter. "Now I can just be a regular joe, just like everyone else who can finance their own multimillion dollar campaign for the country's highest office."

Romney did not say what he was going to turn his attentions to now, but hinted that he might go back to the world of business. The former management consulant, who took the ailing Duane Reade pharmacy business and reinvigorated it until there was a Duane Reade on virtually every corner of the nation, said he was thinking that there was "still a lot he could do" with mailboxes, ATMs, and premium coffee shops.

Posted by Tom Burka at 11:01 PM in News