October 13, 2008
McCain To Suspend Campaign In Order to Rescue Campaign
In a dramatic move, John McCain announced today that he was going to suspend his campaign in a last ditch effort to save his campaign.
McCain called upon Barack Obama to honor his "state of emergency" and also suspend campaigning, but doubted that Obama would do so because Obama failed to put "country first" -- and also, McCain said, because Obama is an Arab terrorist. "And a fine, decent family man with whom I have disagreements," he added. "And a crazy Muslim."
McCain's campaign has been described by critics and supporters alike as a total disaster. "Others would continue their campaigns under these conditions, but that's not what a maverick would do," McCain told reporters. "This is why I'm not popular in Washington." Others disagreed, saying McCain was not popular in Washington because of his unsightly nose hairs and what some called his "increasingly uncontrollable jowls," among other things.
McCain reiterated his latest campaign slogan, saying that he was "not afraid to fight," and that "America needs a real fighter right now," but that "it takes a real fighter to stop fighting because sometimes not fighting is more effective fighting than actually fighting." At that point, aides grabbed McCain and threw him headfirst into a waiting limousine.
Supporters applauded McCain's bold choice, saying that the candidate needed to act because things looked so dire. "He's not running for Miss Congeniality," said supporter John Gaffney of Ohio. "Although I can understand that to some outsiders it looks that way."