May 20, 2008
How Hillary Can Win

DANCE-OFF. Only music permitted will be Celine Dion, Fleetwood Mac, and Abba.

BOWLING TOURNAMENT. Hillary will best Mr. Obama's recent and pathetic score of 36 while blindfolded with an American flag, drinking shots of bourbon that have been aged in casks of Mississippi oak, brewed in big Southern States, with one hand fastened behind her back with stout New England twine.

SINGLE HAND COMBAT TO THE DEATH. Using weapon of candidate's choosing: either handgun every citizen has a right to own, semiautomatic rifle or assault gun every citizen has a right to own; or by relentlessly mocking opponent's religious pastor.

WAFFLE EATING CONTEST. In effort to appeal to ethnic voting blocs, menu will also include huevos rancheros, cuban sandwiches, and lutefisk. First candidate to sip a latte loses.

INVOKE SECRET SUPERDELEGATE SUPPORT. Realizing that she, too, is a superdelegate, Sen. Clinton will suddenly throw her support behind herself, building what only her Campaign Manager, Terry McCauliffe, will call a "bold, new momentum."

INVITE OBAMA TO MEETING IN EXTREMELY SMOKY BACK ROOM and seal it up.

LENGTHEN PRIMARY SEASON BY CARVING TWENTY MORE STATES OUT OF MICHIGAN AND FLORIDA: Has benefit of solving dicey delegate seating problem.

EXPOSE OBAMAN SUPERDELEGATES TO KRYPTONITE. Smuggle incapacitating rock from an alien planet (borrowed from the Smithsonian) into Superdelegates' Secret "Lair of Hope" located at Mount Rushmore (in the upper right quadrant of Lincoln's left nostril) during next meeting of infamous "Legion of Change." "Have . . . lost . . ability . . . to choose," noted superdelegate (because he was formerly head of the DNC office supply room) Gerald Fitzner will croak, just before passing out.

Posted by Tom Burka at 10:05 AM in News