Rumsfeld Eager To Take On New Job

The U.S. government today announced that the once vaunted food pyramid -- used as a model for American nutrition since 1992 -- will immediately be replaced by the food Pentagon. Donald Rumsfeld will be chief.

"I am looking forward to supervising the daily caloric intake of every American," said Secretary Rumsfeld, who will add the new job to his portfolio. "It's very simple," he said. "You eat what we tell you to."

Ewing Fitzsimmon, Undersecretary for Policy on Ruffage and Fiber, explained that today's America needed a more aggressive, more "go-to attitude" toward nutrition.

Part of the problem with the food pyramid, explained Fitzsimmon, was that while it was relatively easy to understand, most Americans simply did not follow it. The new program will instead involve extremely complicated guidelines that will be phased in gradually until they become mandatory in June of 2006.

"When people don't eat right, we get a flabby populace," said Rumsfeld, "and a flabby populace means that America sags in all the wrong places. We want to present our best face to the world."

"Nobody eats anything but beans until 1300 hours," he continued. "We need to reduce America's dependence on oil."