Calls for Major investigation

Donald Trump today blamed what he called a roaming group of millions of illegal voters for the theft of his favorite pen and a bag of doritos from the White House yesterday, saying that it proved they exist and that they need to write something while they have a snack.

Trump continued to claim that millions of illegal voters had swayed the popular vote against him in the election, despite the fact that the claim has been thoroughly debunked and states have reported almost no voter fraud whatsoever.

"They are throwing it in our faces," said Trump last Sunday. "Saturday, all of the illegal voters gathered and marched in major cities all over America."

Trump called for a major investigation and demanded that police put out an APB for millions of illegal voters, whom he said were roving the countryside, running amok and causing havoc.

"Is everyone blind?" shouted Trump, "I'm very smart. I know things. I see things on TV. I read something about this on Breitbart." Trump was then sedated by doctors and gently led out of the briefing room.

When asked to comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told a joke. "How do you know millions of illegal voters have broken into your backyard?" he said. "Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant." He made no further comment.