Has Decided to Save Electoral Votes for 2012

The State of Missouri has decided to remain the sole white state among the fifty otherwise red or blue states that have pledged electoral votes towards candidates for the office of U.S. President after deciding to "bank" its electoral votes in advance of the next election.

"We're pretty frustrated with what we see as a lack of a voice in the outcome of these Presidential contests," said Missouri Secretary of State Hannah Clyland. "We figure that with 22 electoral votes in 2012, or 33 in 2016, we can put an end to this constant harping on Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida."

Political analysts have been baffled since November 5, when, although 100% of Missouri's votes had been counted, Missouri failed to declare a winner in the race for President. "We were all, like, hey, what happened to Missouri?" said analyst Chuck Todd of MSNBC. Todd initially speculated in a television broadcast last Tuesday night that Missouri was remaining "white" in solidarity with Canada and Mexico.

Today the Missouri Secretary of State admitted that Missouri has decided not to award its electoral votes to either candidate this year, but would "save them up for the future."

"We're going to keep our electoral votes for the next Presidential contest," Secretary of State Clyland told reporters Thursday afternoon. She declared that not only was it prudent to do so, it was a good example to consumers in today's "spendthrift economy."

President-elect Barack Obama will learn the full "burdens of office" tomorrow when he receives his first top secret briefing from the Director of National Intelligence, Mike McConnell.

President-elect Obama began receiving Presidential Daily Briefings (PDBs) from the CIA today. "President Obama will get exactly the same daily briefing that President Bush receives," said White House Press flack Dana Perino. Perino vigorously denied allegations that, for years, Dick Cheney had forced the CIA to "shape" its briefings to Bush to support particular political views.

OYSH has received copies of today's daily briefing for the President and the President-elect. Here are some excerpts:

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

Good morning, Mr. President-elect.

The situation in Iraq is incredibly fragile, with distinct factions in both Sunni and Shi'ite camps precariously balanced against each other. Violence could re-erupt at any moment. Civil discontent is high. Electricity and water supplies are still below pre-war levels and Iraqis are increasingly frustrated with the American occupation.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

Good morning, Mr. President!

Things couldn't be better in Iraq. Those people are just lapping up the freedom. Sources indicate that we have been greeted as saviors. The war has been won! Iraqis are thankful that the Americans are still present in great numbers to make their lives better and serve the cause of liberty.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

Iran is clearly working on developing the ability to manufacture nuclear weapons. We estimate that this will take at least six years. The situation requires careful monitoring, but we believe diplomacy and U.N. pressure is safer than even the limited use of military force.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

Iran will drop a nuclear bomb on Israel as early as next Thursday.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

North Korea has restarted its nuclear program. Kim Jong Il has suffered a stroke but factions vying for control of the government are fighting about whether to break with Jong Il's warlike tendencies or to develop a missile that can hit California.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

North Korea is still right above South Korea. Everything's just fine!

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

The world economy is headed for even sharper declines. This will likely create more resentment and anger toward the United States.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

The need for oil continues to produce record profits for oil companies all over the world that will trickle down to enrich the temporarily depressed markets . Prices are low but there are some good values out there! Everything's fantastic! In response to your question about the world marketplace, Mr. President, it is still possible to get a good hamburger outside of the United States.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

We are entering very dangerous waters, with challenges regarding nuclear proliferation, the terrorist threat in Afghanistan, Russia's increasing tendency to use military force to expand its influence in defiance of the rest of the world, and other threats to the security of the nation. The present executive's disregard of some of our warnings and advice has greatly contributed to the current unstable and perilous world environment.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

Your policies have never been more effective! Things look grim, but they're really not! Peace and prosperity are just around the corner. Some day, history will recognize your utter genius. Good job, Mr. President!

Hurry Up and Wait

TWO YEARS. It's been two years of campaigning. The field of Presidential candidates was winnowed to twenty-six people.

You did not stand idly by during all this. You listened to speeches. You suffered through cable news. You watched countless debates. You were there when the twelve Republican candidates fell over themselves telling the GOP electorate how much crueler they would be to illegal immigrants than the guy standing next to them. (The sole exception being, if you can possibly imagine it, John McCain, who was practically booed by his fellow Republicans on the stage when he said you had to think about "human decency." The old John McCain.)

You initially supported Kucinich, in part because of his political stance, in part because he has a really hot wife. They look interesting when they stand together because he's about four feet high and she's six and a half. You continued to support him even when, at one of the debates, he tried to explain his sighting of a UFO when he was the Mayor of Cleveland.

The primaries lasted forever, right up to the summer. McCain ended up the GOP candidate by a process of attritiion. Hillary and Obama supporters stopped speaking to one another. There were twenty-eight debates between Hillary and Obama even though they had almost exactly the same positions on everything. The two would-be nominees spent millions and millions of dollars straining to say how they would close Gitmo differently.

And then the general campaign started.

You were exhausted. You needed a vacation. When you took one, the Democrats held their convention, and when you had to get the kids back to a new year at school, the Republicans held theirs. The GOP became the POP -- the Party of Palin. More debates, more speeches, mudslinging, name calling.

TWO YEARS. After 57 debates, 3027 pundits, 17 anchors, 400 newspaper endorsements and two town hall meetings, the time has finally come for you to

Wait.

You're going to be waiting today. Because we have fewer voting booths per capita than Iraq has ballot boxes.

Lawn chair.

Twelve kinds of ID.

Proof of Residence at Recently Foreclosed Home.

Proust's Remembrance of Things Past.

Laptop, DVDs of "Brideshead Revisited" and small portable generator.

Team of Lawyers (for help with provisional ballot).

401-k (to be shown to Republican standing next to you).

Four pound bag containing daughter's Halloween candy.

Video iPod loaded with Will I. Am's "Yes, We Can," The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again," and Nixon's "I Am Not A Crook" speech.

Box of Tissues (for occasional bouts of tearful relief that nightmare of past eight years might soon be over).

Proof that Democrats Vote on Tuesday.

Courage

"Mission Accomplished" Banner (to be unfurled over voting booth upon finally emerging).

The small town of Dixville Notch, New Hampshire today decided a very close election when its twenty inhabitants resoundingly chose Barack Obama by a three to one margin, breaking a tie throughout the rest of the nation.

Polls had indicated that the nationwide contest would be close, and both candidates were forced to spend precious resources campaigning in this tiny "swing" hamlet of twenty registered voters. Obama and McCain have spent many days of the past two weeks camped out in this practically microscopic berg, Joe Biden spent seven days here, and Sarah Palin herself spent over $40,000 on clothes.

In a dramatic move, John McCain announced today that he was going to suspend his campaign in a last ditch effort to save his campaign.

McCain called upon Barack Obama to honor his "state of emergency" and also suspend campaigning, but doubted that Obama would do so because Obama failed to put "country first" -- and also, McCain said, because Obama is an Arab terrorist. "And a fine, decent family man with whom I have disagreements," he added. "And a crazy Muslim."

McCain's campaign has been described by critics and supporters alike as a total disaster. "Others would continue their campaigns under these conditions, but that's not what a maverick would do," McCain told reporters. "This is why I'm not popular in Washington." Others disagreed, saying McCain was not popular in Washington because of his unsightly nose hairs and what some called his "increasingly uncontrollable jowls," among other things.

McCain reiterated his latest campaign slogan, saying that he was "not afraid to fight," and that "America needs a real fighter right now," but that "it takes a real fighter to stop fighting because sometimes not fighting is more effective fighting than actually fighting." At that point, aides grabbed McCain and threw him headfirst into a waiting limousine.

Supporters applauded McCain's bold choice, saying that the candidate needed to act because things looked so dire. "He's not running for Miss Congeniality," said supporter John Gaffney of Ohio. "Although I can understand that to some outsiders it looks that way."

I've taken to twittering the debates, although I usually keep it a secret and tweet quietly in the corner. (If you don't know Twitter, check it out, there are some fun feeds there.) So come on in and subscribe to my Twittercast. It's like listening to me rant at the TV screen, except that I don't talk nearly as much. Or better yet, get yourself an account, follow me, and we can twitter at each other.

Other twittercasts I recommend are those of Bill Scher (LiberalOasis), Gina Louise Sciarra (Knitting Liberally), Pistolette (just discovered her -- she's funny), and John "PC" Hodgman.

Anonymous tipsters claimed to have spotted Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson earlier today on a secluded tropical island.

The FBI confirmed today that Paulson left the country early yesterday afternoon with what JetBlue Airlines called "countless heavy, fully stuffed duffel bags." There were so many duffel bags that Paulson paid thousands of dollars in excess luggage charges "without batting an eyelash," a JetBlue Airline official said.

The White House hastily released a statement Sunday afternoon saying that Paulson had "taken a brief vacation," and claimed that mobilization of a vast number of Air Force search jets over the entire Pacific was "just a military exercise." Nonetheless an unusual number of comings and goings at the White House and on Capitol Hill conveyed an air of panic.

An anonymous source claimed that Paulson had left a note in which he stated that he had concluded that "the American economy is no longer viable: I am going to make my own." President Bush refused to confirm that such a note existed, saying only that on Sunday, he rarely reads, but that "he would check his desk first thing Monday."

Lawmakers were putting together what they called an "emergency emergency" $350 billion "replacement" bill, which they promised would include even more oversight.

"This time we're using electronic monitoring," promised Rep. Barney Frank.

In other news, an unidentified bidder purchased the countries of Mauritius, Belize, and Tahiti as what he called "second homes."

Sarah Palin, plagued by polls indicating her dropping popularity and interviews with Katie Couric where she was so beleagured that she made Dan Quayle look brilliant by comparison, did an impression of comedian Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin at last night's Vice Presidential debate so that she could be "even more folksier and plain spoken."

Palin explained her affinity for Fey, who now regularly returns to Saturday Night Live to play Palin. "You know what I like about Tina?" Palin said, smiling and winking at reporters. "She's a mav-rick, you betcha."

Palin then extended her middle fingers and thumbs, pretending her hands were guns, and said "pyeuw!, pyeuw!" while making shooting gestures at the corners of the room. Tina Fey had done the same thing last Saturday on NBC, but used her forefingers. "I think middle fingers are more direct," explained Palin. "It's more the John McCain way."

Viewers were impressed with Palin's performance at the debate, some remarking how awestruck they were at the vitality of Palin's impersonation. "She really captured Tina Fey," said one viewer, an undecided voter from Allegheny, Pa. "I'm thinking of voting for her."

During last night's debate, Palin answered questions on topics ranging from the bailout of the domestic economy and U.S. military intervention overseas by repeatedly saying "Energy!" and "Mav-rick, dontcha know!" and winking at the camera.

Some viewers were not impressed by Palin's performance, however. "She didn't seem to really be answering the questions," said Floyd McGilla of Spitzen, Montana. "I think she need some of Tina fey's writers."

The White House, House Democrats, and recalcitrant Republicans searched vainly this weekend for a meme to replace voodoo economics, the Ronald Reagan policy which has ravaged the American economy, bringing on the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression. Democrats and the Treasury Department, along with reluctant rank-and-file Republicans, settled on a plan hastily sketched out on a cocktail party napkin (pdf) at 3:00 a.m. Saturday night as an adequate substitute.

"We did it with virtually no thought," said Secretary Paulson and Barney Frank, who said that reaching an agreement was more important than vetting the plan upon which everyone was agreeing. "We have to restore confidence in the markets," they said.

John McCain parachuted into the talks on Thursday, where he sat, unable to free himself from his canopy, as GOP Republicans floated a new plan.

"Initially, we were intent on switching from voodoo to witch doctor economics," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, explaining the thinking of some Republicans. "But some thought that too similar an economic philosophy."

Another Republican explained GOP reticence to sign onto a bailout plan. "We're really uncomfortable with giving away taxpayer money unless it's to prescription drug companies or the oil industry," said Rep. Wayne Tasso.

"The fact is, this shows that 'voodoo economics' is a disaster, just like I said," said George H.W. Bush, who coined the phrase to describe Reagonomics, economics based on Reagan's belief that giving everything to the rich would fill the coffers of the poor. "I knew Reagonomics was bad in 1978, but it took my son to prove how much it really sucks."

You know how they say a picture's worth a thousand words? Larry Ray has the details.

President Bush compounded widespread concern about a domestic economy on the verge of collapse today when he announced that FEMA would coordinate the 700 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street.

"We have our best people on it," Bush insisted, causing the market to slide two thousand points late this morning. Bush and his staff expressed surprise that Adminstration assurances have done little to buoy confidence in the economy. "None of the folks in charge of the bailout ever worked with horses or anything," said a perplexed White House staffer.

Circumstances on Wall Street remained dire today. Thousands of traders and bankers have been without money, gold ingots, or economic power for almost a week now, and conditions in hastily constructed "trailer banks" have been horrible. "There are hardly any bathroom attendants here at all," complained one temporary resident, Preston Brunswick III, a complex derivatives trader who "barely cleared a million" last year.

Compounding the crisis, trucks full of relief money have been mysteriously stalled in Alabama, and FEMA officials were at a loss to explain why it was so hard to get the "Benjamins" to New York, where they are so desperately needed.

"We need that money now! We're barely able to expense out our lunches," exclaimed worried A.I.G. executive Gwen Driscoll. Driscoll fretted that her corporate American Express Platinum card was "being strained to the breaking point."

Meanwhile, Republicans warned that the allegedly Democratic-controlled Congress would take too much time debating a relief bill. "We need a lack of oversight, and we need it now," said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. "Before anyone has a chance to think about it."

John McCain's campaign vigorously denied accusations that it had not thoroughly vetted McCain's vice presidential pick, Governor Sarah Palin, saying she had been vetted and "raked over the coals" by a trusted campaign advisor. That advisor was Lynn Spears -- Jamie and Britney Spears' mother. "Spears gave Palin two pacifiers up," a spokesman for the McCain campaign said today.

Spears was selected to vet Palin because she is an authority on mothering, and the author of numerous books on the subject, including "Through The Storm -- How To Raise Good Christian Girls." She is also an authority on raising good Christian grandchildren "as quickly as possible," says Dr. Ian Fesslhoff, an expert on parenting experts.

Spears confirmed that she okayed Palin for the Veep spot on the McCain ticket. "I especially approved of Palin's strong religious and moral stances on abortion and abstinence-only policies toward sex education," she said. As a mom, she also felt the timing of Palin's placement on the ticket was key: "There's no better time to run for office than when you have a five-month-old with special needs and a teenage daughter with baby number two on the way."

In a campaign appearance late today, Senator McCain declined to comment on the recent revelation that Palin's 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, is five months' pregnant, or the rumor that Gov. Palin's infant son is really also Bristol's child, except to say that he "looks forward to presiding over a nation of young people."

"Young people caring for much younger people," noted Dr. Fesslhoff.