Spokespeople for Donald J. Trump today revealed that the President-Elect's twitter feed was now going to be subscription only starting next Thursday. "And that's when the really great tweets will start pouring in," said Eric Trump as he swilled a golden milkshake made with actual gold. Trump will charge $27 a month for access and $7.95 per retweet.

Trump has decreed that Mexico will be paying for that wall, at the very least. "I will not be asking Congress to pay for that wall -- unless they want to read my tweets," he said.

Trump's twitter feed is "beloved by millions," said KellyAnne Conway. "Some people bought smartphones just so they could get Donald's tweets at the exact moment his tiny fingers post them," she said.