Bears Not Going to School as Often as DeVos Thinks, Say Forest Animals
A majority of forest animals claim bears are not attending schools as often as Education Secretary candidate Betsy DeVos thinks. "I can't remember the last time I've seen a bear here," said a white-tailed deer attending Henderson High School in Yellow Tongue, Wyoming.
Animals throughout the U.S. agreed. A grey wolf between classes told reporters that he wouldn't be taking Spanish if he thought a grizzly might interfere with the conjugation of verbs.
A North American Moose named Giuseppe swore that he had seen bears in the school cafeteria at a high school in Maine, although he later admitted that he had taken Adderol, smoked a joint, and done shots of Stoli an hour before the alleged sighting. "I was soooo fucked up," Giuseppe admitted. "It was awesome."
Trump Only Taking Samples for Prominent Research Urologist, Republicans Say
Donald Trump today spurned reports that he had hired Russian prostitutes to urinate for and possibly on him. "That's not true," he said. "I hired prostitutes of many different nationalities."
Later, Trump poo-poohed the allegations entirely, saying only that he was assisting a prominent American urologist conducting research on possible diabetic irregularities in women of the night.
A Trump spokesperson later held a press conference to address the allegations, but cut it short after crossing her legs frequently and then running out of the room in haste, saying only "He needs me!"
Allegations that Russian intelligence had evidence that Trump had hired prostitutes to engage in" golden showers shows" had been floating around sometime since his election. The allegations, which had been leaking steadily for some time, were ignored by journalists, who declined to investigate because the stories were "thin." "We didn't want to engage in yellow journalism." said one.
The media instead chose to focus on news about digitally transmitted correspondence, or "emails." "Much sexier," said Jake Crapper of cable station MSNPP.
Trump Worried Events Casting Doubt on Legitimacy of Election Will Cast Doubt on Legitimacy of Election
Sources close to Donald Trump revealed that the President-elect is concerned that news of Russian hacking and Russia's campaign to manipulate the result of the election may lead people to the conclusion that Russia manipulated the result of the election.
Trump is also worried that claims of considerable voter suppression, combined with Russia's efforts have cast a cloud over the legitimacy of an election whose result depended on a mere 80,000 votes spread across three states.
"Russia didn't elect me," Trump reportedly said, "Because Russians aren't allowed to vote here, am I right?"
"I can tell you right now that the massive campaign by Russia to make sure that Mr. Trump was elected didn't work," said Kellyanne Conway. "We don't even know the Russians wanted Mr. Trump to be elected."
She told reporters that she had it on good authority that Putin really wanted Hillary Clinton to be elected because he "likes a challenge." She added that the reported celebrations by Putin and his comrades after Trump's election were designed to "hide their immense disappointment."
Trump's own investigation of the election showed no hanky panky had occurred. "I spoke with Julian Assange and Putin myself and they absolutely assured me that they had nothing to do with it," Trump said after several phone calls, "and Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell swore me that all of the voter suppression that occurred was purely coincidental."
Trump then left reporters because, according to spokespeople, he had to be fitted for his crown.
Trump Twitter Feed to Go Behind Pay Wall That Mexico Really Will Pay For
Spokespeople for Donald J. Trump today revealed that the President-Elect's twitter feed was now going to be subscription only starting next Thursday. "And that's when the really great tweets will start pouring in," said Eric Trump as he swilled a golden milkshake made with actual gold. Trump will charge $27 a month for access and $7.95 per retweet.
Trump has decreed that Mexico will be paying for that wall, at the very least. "I will not be asking Congress to pay for that wall -- unless they want to read my tweets," he said.
Trump's twitter feed is "beloved by millions," said KellyAnne Conway. "Some people bought smartphones just so they could get Donald's tweets at the exact moment his tiny fingers post them," she said.
Trump Takes Credit for Inventing Telephone, Airplane
Donald Trump, in a tweet, thanked himself this morning for the invention of the telephone. "Now ppl can talk to each other across vast distances! Thanks, Donald," he tweeted.
"Amazing technical progress now that I've been elected," he tweeted.
In another tweet, Trump seemed to be suggesting that winning the election enabled the invention of flight. "Used to take months to cross the country, now you can do it in hours," Trump said. "Not Prez yet but ALREADY MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN."
Democrats have insisted these devices existed well before Trump was elected, but Republicans say this is not so. "That's ridiculous," Senate Leader Majority Leader Mitch McConnell stated.
Trump supporters praised the Donald for making their current way of life possible. "Can you imagine what the world would be like if we didn't have fire?" said Giles Emphatic of Ponoma, Wisconsin. "Thanks, Donald."
Trump University and Electoral College Announce Merger
The chancellor of Trump University today announced that it had successfully completed negotiations to acquire the Electoral College. "No other University has an Electoral College. It's much better than a college of, say, physical sciences," he said.
"Trump University is intent on improving its offerings in any way that can enrich Donald Trump and his family," Chancellor Don Novello told reporters. "So that they can then better the lives of our students," he quickly added.
Spokespeople for the Electoral College said that the merger with Trump University would help the College in its mission to give more sparsely populated states undue influence in American elections. "It's very important that we allow swing states to determine the outcome of elections as opposed to more populous states," Dean Reince Priebus said. "We want to do everything we can to contravene the will of the majority of Americans."
Electoral College Not Even Accredited, Critics Say
Democrats pushing for the elimination of the Electoral College now say they have discovered that the college has no professors, no classes, and provides no education.
"We're talking about massive electoral voter fraud," said Claire Dinsmore of the National Institute of Higher Learning. "None of these electoral received any kind of education at all."
Hillary Clinton supporters also claimed that the College sold the phony hope that they could choose a seasoned, experienced woman to be the U.S. President.
"It turns out that was just a pipe dream," said Dinsmore. "Once again the Electoral College has perpetrated a hoax on the American people."
Investigators are now looking into reports that the Electoral College is selling phony diplomas. "We think it may be linked to Trump University," said one.
James Comey Says Santa's Letters Received on Private Server, Opens Investigations
FBI Director James Comey today announced that a laptop that an elf had been using to communicate with underaged reindeer contained hundreds of thousands of previously undisclosed letters to Santa asking Santa to intervene and stop Donald Trump from taking office.
"Dear Santa," one such letter reads, "All I want for Christmas is Hillary Clinton as President Elect." Other letters ask Santa to bribe American electors with expensive gifts.
"These letters suggest there is a vast conspiracy asking a foreign power -- Santa -- to meddle with the results of an American election," Comey said. "Nobody should attempt to change the results of an American election with a letter."
An aide whispered in Comey's ear, after which Comey added, "Of course, there are exceptions."
Trump to Run Country During Commercial Breaks
Donald Trump refused today to relinquish his role as a producer of Celebrity Apprentice, saying that he would devote all of his time during commercial breaks to the Presidency.
"That'll be plenty of time," he said. "I'm very efficient, I get tons done very quickly."
Trump, in several tweets, explained that, if anything required his attention while working on the show, Omarosa, a previous contestant on The Apprentice, would be available to tell people that Trump "will be right back after this."
Trump was thinking of merging his responsibilities by inviting leaders from around the world to compete on the show. "I think Angela Merkel would make a great contestant, terrific contestant, the best."
Trump Names Martin Skreli to Head NIH
President-Elect Donald Trump named Martin Skreli to head the National Institutes of Health today, saying that it was time for the government-funded medical research to "become profitable again," stop "hemorrhaging money" and "earn its keep."
"We've just been pouring money into it and getting nothing back," said Trump. "Martin has a proven track record of being able to squeeze blood from a stone -- and sometimes patients," he quipped.
Skreli is the best man to safeguard this most precious of American medical institutions, senior Trump adviser Kelly Anne Conway told reporters. She pooh-poohed the idea that an experienced biomedical researcher or hospital administrator might be a better choice to head the NIH than a former hedge fund manager and businessman. "Would you want a dairy farmer managing a bunch of cows?" she asked. "That's why so many people have stopped eating dairy."
Skreli famously bought a pharmaceutical company and hiked the price of one of its most popular drugs from $13.50 a pill to $750. "The man is a genius," said Trump.
Trump to Put General Petraeus in Charge of Handling Classified Information
Donald Trump today announced that he had appointed General Petraeus to a special post in his new administration as the Classified Material Security Adviser.
"Because General Patreus is an expert at mishandling classified information, we're very sure that he can tell us how to do the opposite of what he did, and our classified information will be safe," Trump told four tourists who had visited the Trump Tower lobby early this morning. Trump wore a terrycloth bathrobe embroidered with his initials in gold.
Experts applauded the decision. "They're going to need someone to focus on classified material," said Professor Peter Gumwald of the University of Tahiti. "Because everyone and his brother are going to have top secret clearances. Literally."
Paula Broadwell will be hired on as General Petraus's aide.
Trump Excited to Deduct 3 Trillion Dollar Debt from Next Year's Taxes
Through a tax code trick called "further loss depreciation" Donald Trump will be deducting the nation's debt from his personal taxes, enabling him to avoid paying taxes for the rest of his life. Trump explained, "I will be once again taking advantage of one of the loopholes that Hillary Clinton wrote into the law and refused to fix. But I'm not complaining!" he laughed. Even better, Trump noted, he could share that deduction with his children through a tax maneuver accountants call "outright fraud."
"It's only fair that President Trump should both be able to benefit from any losses he generates for the nation," said Kellyanne Conway.
"America is going to be so, so great," the President-Elect said, looking through a satchel filled with crisply rubberbanded stacks of cash. "So great. Absolutely winning."
Analysts Now Conclude Horrible Debate Performance Just as Likely to Win Voters as Magnificent Debate Performance
Analysts, admitting they had "been getting it all wrong," now say that a winning debate performance was just as likely to win voters as a horrendous, gut wrenching, mind-numbingly bad debate performance.
"We were either not asking the right questions," said Professor Ted Rarko, "or having some very long, tasty lunches and not asking the right questions." He remarked that political scientists had made the mistake of simply assuming that the candidate who displayed superior knowledge of foreign and domestic policies, and who articulately advanced convincing arguments for her leadership of the country, would garner increased electoral support.
"it's a head scratcher," said Professor Wilamena Panderson. "Maybe we've been wrong all these years, maybe up is down."
"Or maybe they're both up," Rarko added.
"We made a mistake," Senator Marco Rubio said of his failed campaign, "I told my campaign manager we didn't need to look like we were smart. That's two hours of my life I'll never get back."
Unfair to Judge Bannon by Prior Statements, Publications, and Positions, Say Republicans
Anonymous Republicans today defended President-Elect Trump's selection of Breitbart Publisher Steve Bannon for the post of Chief Advisor on his new staff, arguing that he is being unfairly judged.
A Republican wearing a paper bag on his head, in what he called a "fashion choice," said that people judging Steve Bannon by his prior associations, published headlines, and statements are jumping to conclusions. "He could have entirely unobjectionable views," said the Republican Senator, who denied that he was afraid to identify himself for fear of being associated with the Trump Administration. "He might not be a White Nationalist or a member of the Alt-Right. He might be a Democrat. He could be the most liberal guy on the planet. He could be a magnificent artist or a wise sage. He might be a cyborg. Let's just wait and see before people go moaning about him being an antisemite misogynist man with incredibly dangerous positions."
Others pointed out that when Bannon referred to "dykes" at the Seven Sisters Schools, "he may have meant embankments in the Netherlands."
Bonny Frugwurst, a housewife from Kentucky, complained that people were not giving Trump a chance. "You gotta respect his personnel choices," she said. "I have faith that Steve Gannon is going to make America white-- I mean, great again."
Trump Pledges to Get to Bottom of "This Gassy Thing"
Donald Trump today expressed his growing frustration with the bloating, belching and excessive gas "that has been completely unchecked by this Administration,"and proposed an immediate ban on a great number of foods, including peppers and "anything Mexican." The ban would remain in effect until such time as "we figure out what's causing it and where all this gas is coming from."
Trump also cursed the "scourge of itchy skin bumps" that has resulted from the "porous U.S. border admitting radicalized mosquitos of all kinds", and unveiled his plan to build a net that would cover the entire nation -- with the possible exception of Puerto Rico, because "nobody cares about it anyway."
Trump revealed several other pressing initiatives, including banning all dogs to "stop the barking" and a temporary moratorium on births "until we can figure out why they're crying all the time." "I'm going to fix everything, and America will be better, and the world will be better, and if you don't vote for me-- well, everything's going to fall apart. It is falling apart. It is falling apart already."