Trump to Put General Petraeus in Charge of Handling Classified Information
Donald Trump today announced that he had appointed General Petraeus to a special post in his new administration as the Classified Material Security Adviser.
"Because General Patreus is an expert at mishandling classified information, we're very sure that he can tell us how to do the opposite of what he did, and our classified information will be safe," Trump told four tourists who had visited the Trump Tower lobby early this morning. Trump wore a terrycloth bathrobe embroidered with his initials in gold.
Experts applauded the decision. "They're going to need someone to focus on classified material," said Professor Peter Gumwald of the University of Tahiti. "Because everyone and his brother are going to have top secret clearances. Literally."
Paula Broadwell will be hired on as General Petraus's aide.
Trump Excited to Deduct 3 Trillion Dollar Debt from Next Year's Taxes
Through a tax code trick called "further loss depreciation" Donald Trump will be deducting the nation's debt from his personal taxes, enabling him to avoid paying taxes for the rest of his life. Trump explained, "I will be once again taking advantage of one of the loopholes that Hillary Clinton wrote into the law and refused to fix. But I'm not complaining!" he laughed. Even better, Trump noted, he could share that deduction with his children through a tax maneuver accountants call "outright fraud."
"It's only fair that President Trump should both be able to benefit from any losses he generates for the nation," said Kellyanne Conway.
"America is going to be so, so great," the President-Elect said, looking through a satchel filled with crisply rubberbanded stacks of cash. "So great. Absolutely winning."
Analysts Now Conclude Horrible Debate Performance Just as Likely to Win Voters as Magnificent Debate Performance
Analysts, admitting they had "been getting it all wrong," now say that a winning debate performance was just as likely to win voters as a horrendous, gut wrenching, mind-numbingly bad debate performance.
"We were either not asking the right questions," said Professor Ted Rarko, "or having some very long, tasty lunches and not asking the right questions." He remarked that political scientists had made the mistake of simply assuming that the candidate who displayed superior knowledge of foreign and domestic policies, and who articulately advanced convincing arguments for her leadership of the country, would garner increased electoral support.
"it's a head scratcher," said Professor Wilamena Panderson. "Maybe we've been wrong all these years, maybe up is down."
"Or maybe they're both up," Rarko added.
"We made a mistake," Senator Marco Rubio said of his failed campaign, "I told my campaign manager we didn't need to look like we were smart. That's two hours of my life I'll never get back."
Unfair to Judge Bannon by Prior Statements, Publications, and Positions, Say Republicans
Anonymous Republicans today defended President-Elect Trump's selection of Breitbart Publisher Steve Bannon for the post of Chief Advisor on his new staff, arguing that he is being unfairly judged.
A Republican wearing a paper bag on his head, in what he called a "fashion choice," said that people judging Steve Bannon by his prior associations, published headlines, and statements are jumping to conclusions. "He could have entirely unobjectionable views," said the Republican Senator, who denied that he was afraid to identify himself for fear of being associated with the Trump Administration. "He might not be a White Nationalist or a member of the Alt-Right. He might be a Democrat. He could be the most liberal guy on the planet. He could be a magnificent artist or a wise sage. He might be a cyborg. Let's just wait and see before people go moaning about him being an antisemite misogynist man with incredibly dangerous positions."
Others pointed out that when Bannon referred to "dykes" at the Seven Sisters Schools, "he may have meant embankments in the Netherlands."
Bonny Frugwurst, a housewife from Kentucky, complained that people were not giving Trump a chance. "You gotta respect his personnel choices," she said. "I have faith that Steve Gannon is going to make America white-- I mean, great again."
Trump Pledges to Get to Bottom of "This Gassy Thing"
Donald Trump today expressed his growing frustration with the bloating, belching and excessive gas "that has been completely unchecked by this Administration,"and proposed an immediate ban on a great number of foods, including peppers and "anything Mexican." The ban would remain in effect until such time as "we figure out what's causing it and where all this gas is coming from."
Trump also cursed the "scourge of itchy skin bumps" that has resulted from the "porous U.S. border admitting radicalized mosquitos of all kinds", and unveiled his plan to build a net that would cover the entire nation -- with the possible exception of Puerto Rico, because "nobody cares about it anyway."
Trump revealed several other pressing initiatives, including banning all dogs to "stop the barking" and a temporary moratorium on births "until we can figure out why they're crying all the time." "I'm going to fix everything, and America will be better, and the world will be better, and if you don't vote for me-- well, everything's going to fall apart. It is falling apart. It is falling apart already."
Presidential Candidates Realize Election is Next Year
Jeb Bush, Hillary Clinton, Rand Paul and Marco Rubio were told today that they had mistakenly initiated their campaigns a year early.
"What, it's 2015? Oh, crap," said Paul. All four of the candidates agreed to withdraw to avoid torturing the American people with "months of mindless posturing."
"There's nothing we can say now that we won't be able to say thousands of times in 2016," said Clinton. "There's plenty of time."
Ted Cruz was the only candidate who did not withdraw his candidacy, saying that he did not believe time exists as scientists describe it.
Fat Albert Says He Was Also Abused by Cosby
Today Fat Albert joined the group of women who have reported being sexually abused by Bill Cosby, saying that he was considering his legal options but had not yet decided how to handle the situation.
"Hey, hey, hey," Albert told reporters, "I was molested and humiliated."
Fat Albert, who became known to millions through an early Cosby standup routine recounting events from Cosby's childhood, and was also featured in an animated children's television show bearing his name.
Albert recounted several times when he drank beverages given him by Cosby, after which he passed out and awoke with his clothes in a state of disarray and a distinct feeling that something untoward had happened to him. In later years, Cosby would invite him back to his dressing room and Cosby would more boldly engage in what Albert called "inappropriate contact."
"Hey,hey hey--he would say we were going to play 'buck buck,'" said Albert, "which was correct except for one letter."
Mr. Cosby refused to comment on the allegations, and also refused to answer reporters' questions aboutNoah, whom Cosby has described as a close personal friend. "But we were not as close as he might claim," Cosby said.
House Intelligence Committee to Investigate Self for Issuing Positive Benghazi Report
The Republican-led House today ordered an inquiry into the House Intelligence Committee's failure to issue a report critical of the White House's handling of the 2012 attacks in Benghazi, Libya. Last Friday, the Committee issued a report concluding that the Obama Administration had not misled the public or done a single thing wrong in handling the attacks, contrary to allegations by Republican leaders, congressmen, senators, pundits, plumbers, taxi drivers and -- actually, every Republican in the world. The report was based upon hearings and investigations conducted over the past two years.
House Speaker John Boehner called the report an obvious product of a criminal conspiracy by the White House and immediately announced that the House Intelligence Committee would vigorously investigate the report to uncover "whoever these bozos are who wrote it."
Senator Mitch McConnell also criticized the report, blaming undocumented immigrants.
GOP Pledges to "Turn Economy Around," i.e., Will Take It Straight Down Again
RNC Chairman Reince Priebus promised Election Night that the new GOP-controlled congress will "turn the economy around," meaning, presumably, that they intend to run it entirely into the ground once again.
"We need to emulate the success of the Bush Administration," said Priebus, who said that Republicans were exploring possible options to take the economy back down into the gutter.
Prebus revealed that Mitch McConnelll was already in talks with Goldman Sachs about how to help them reverse the direction of economic development.
"AIG and other prominent financial players, as we speak, are creating complicated but ultimately worthless financial products that will be enormously profitable while ultimately leading to the downfall of modern society as we know it," Priebus bragged.
"Yes, yes, unemployment is now the lowest its been since 2008, and there are more jobs available today than at any time since 2001," Priebus acknowledged, "But you have to ask yourself, does that really put food on the tables of the One Percent?"
Indian Mission to Mars Outsourced to U.S.
An Indian spacecraft affectionately nicknamed MOM reached Mars orbit on Wednesday, beating India's Asian rivals to the Red Planet and outdoing the Americans, the Soviets and the Europeans in doing so on a maiden voyage and a shoestring budget. -- NY Times
In an attempt to save money on costly Indian engineers, India outsourced the design and execution of its space project to illegal aliens in the United States. "There is no cheaper work force than the unwelcome immigrants of the United States," explained Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi. "And you can pay them off the books," he added.
The illegal aliens making up the Indian Mars Orbiter Mission task force took time off from American janitorial work, babysitting, and house cleaning in order to finish the project. All of them had been highly competent aeronautical engineers in their countries of origin, Modi noted.
None of the members of the alien task force were Indian, because all of the Indian engineers living in the United States did IT work for major U.S. corporations, sources said.
Parenthetically, many U.S. engineers have been emigrating to India in order to find work. Most of them end up working in customer service call centers.
Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes
The world's most profitable companies banded together today to note that their religions look upon paying taxes as "an abomination in God's eyes." The announcement came just minutes after the Supreme Court ruled that private for-profit companies can opt out of laws requiring them to do that which they find religiously objectionable, because "corporations are people, too," according to Justice Alito.
The decision pertained to an arts and crafts company, Hobby Lobby, an absolutely ridiculous name, owned by a family who religiously objected to methods of contraception which they mistakenly decided cause abortions.
Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the "close doors" button just to prevent it from getting on.
Companies all over the world revealed that they had deeply religious affiliations holding that government regulation is "against God's will," and that God believed that the market will take care of everything. "That's why He created it," said Samsung, who was on its way to pick up a sandwich at a local deli.
Chase Manhattan Bank explained that God wanted it to do whatever it wanted to do without government interference, and that from now on, it would be charging a minimum of 30% interest on loans and delinquent credit card payments from now on. It also noted that it would indeed threaten to break anyone's legs who didn't "give the dough to Vinny when I send him around."
Felicity Daniels of Minnesota criticized the Supreme Court decision, because, among other things, corporations are always eating off her plate when they go out to dinner, or bragging about their kids in annoyingly loud cell phone calls when she's behind them in line at the supermarket.
"Now they'll just be insufferable," she sighed.
Bush, Cheney, GOP Call Upon Obama To Invade Iraq Again
In the wake of new violence in Iraq, Former President Bush, Dick Cheney, and other Republican leaders called upon President Obama to "exercise the same good judgment that we did when we went into Iraq in the first place." They insisted that Obama should send U.S. military forces into Iraq immediately.
Bush told reporters that Obama should "emmuhlate" his decision in 2005 to invade Iraq again, noting that "whoever has been in charge of Iraq for the past ten years sure has made a mess of it."
Sen. John McCain (R. - Hypocrisy) faulted Obama for failing to overcome Iraqi President Nouri al-Malik's refusal to permit U.S. troops to stay past 2011. "He should have sent the troops over to al-Malik's house to make him 'an offer could not refuse,'" McCain told reporters. When reporters laughed, McCain responded angrily, saying, "I'm serious."
Americans in all of the red states agreed, faulting Obama. The opinion of Ted Filibuster of Kansas is typical: "I don't know why we don't take over the whole fucking Middle East," he said, adding that the U.S. would be better off fighting wars in Iraq, Iran, Syria, Egypt, Libya, Afghanistan, and EuroDisney. "The troops could get R&R at EuroDisney when they need it," he offered.
Dick Cheney agreed.
N.B. Dick Cheney never disappoints: five days after I wrote this, he and his diaghter Liz penned an editorial in the Wall Street Journal saying of Obama, ""Rarely has a U.S. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many." I thought he was finally apologizing for George W. Bush.
Republicans Proposing New "Some Men Left Behind" Rule
Republicans in both the House and the Senate are considering legislation that will require the government to evaluate the worth of soldiers before deciding whether or not to rescue or recover them.
"The Bowe Bergdahl trade has made it clear that we should reconsider this "No Man Left Behind" rule, said Sen. Kelly Ayote (R. - N.H.). In response, Ayote proposed creating panel of conservative Republicans to review what they call a soldier's "liberty credentials." The ratings given any particular soldier would not be subjective, she insisted, but instead based on a point system. For instance, the point system would take into account the physical appearance of the soldier's parents; as an example, soldiers whose fathers have frightening beards would lose ten points.
Speaker of the House John Boehner agreed, noting that "it's clearly not worth risking the lives of a bunch of good god-fearing soldiers on, say, an atheist."
It is uncertain how most Americans feel about the proposal. A survey found that a majority of Americans were too busy watching reality television to answer questions on the subject.
Colbert Explains How Diabolically Evil Hillary Clinton Is
Ohhhh, she's clever:
NJ Port Authority Chief Admits He Diverted Malaysian Plane
During tense questioning by investigators into the closure of lanes on the George Washington Bridge, the Chief of the New Jersey Port Authority, David Samson, suddenly blurted out that he had diverted the missing Malaysian plane. "Oops," he said.
He said that he and his "minions" had diverted the plane as an experiment to see whether the technique he and his team used could be applied to planes carrying New Jersey officials who failed to back Christie during his 2013 re-election campaign.
He declined to describe the technique that he and his group of "henchmen" used, saying that he was applying for a patent on it.
Samson refused to elaborate on the location of the missing plane "on the advice of my attorneys," he said.