U.S. Military Apparently Run by Very Horny People, Says FBI
(06:48PM)
The FBI today revealed that an investigation which had first revealed that CIA Chief General Petraeus was having one or two affairs, or possibly six, has now implicated other military figures in what an FBI spokesman called "ridiculous amounts of sex."
"It seems that America's military leaders are almost as insatiable as members of Congress," Special Agent Vilmos Zladek told the press.
The FBI has been investigating to see, among other things, if improper relations between high ranking officials and civilians had resulted in the disclosure of sensitive information.
"What we're concerned with here is security, yes, but also a complete lack of productivity," said Zladek. FBI agents have discovered tens of thousands of pages containing emails between General John Allen, the top military officer in Afghanistan and Jill Kelly, an extremely buxom socialite from Tampa, prompting agents to wonder how General Allen had time to do anything else -- for instance, to direct military operations in Afghanistan, walk, or shave. The FBI has not yet concluded whether Allen was having an affair with Kelly because it is possible, Zladek noted, that they were too busy writing emails to have sex with one another.
Lily Fitzsimmons of Little Brisket, Wisconsin, agreed that the FBI was right to investigate Petraus, who is married with children; Broadwell, who is married with children; Kelly, who is married but with whom children refuse to be associated; and other military figures. "I'm actually not so worried about the security implications or whether these people were really doing their jobs," she said. "I'm concerned with whether these people have the capacity to think, feel, or reason."
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Friday, October 19,
2012
The Romney Tax Plan, Explained.
(07:21PM)
I finally understand it, thanks to the fine people who set up this site.
A new group calling itself the Association of Legitimate Rapists has publically endorsed Senate candidate Todd Akin and, in fact, the entire Republican party and platform. "Republicans are the party of legitimate rapists," said spokesman Mark Futter, " and probably, in fact, rapists everywhere."
After Akin's recent remarks on abortion -- that "legitimate rape rarely results in pregnancy" -- the association immediately made large contributions to the RNC, Mr Akin's campaign, and very large secret donations to SuperPacs run by Karl Rove and the Koch brothers. "We have to get behind these people," said legitimate rapist Steven McDonald. "These people are behind us; we have to get behind them." It was unclear whether McDonald's remarks were an expression of support or intimate desire.
There has been some controversy surrounding Akin's remarks, including great criticism from scientists (that pregnancy occurs at the same rate among criminally sexual practitioners as it does among consenting adults), women (that there is no such thing as a "legitimate rapist") and women scientists (that Todd Akin is a complete moron).
In response to calls for Akin to withdraw from the Senate race, fellow congressman Steve King, a prominent leader of the Republican party, expressed continued support for Akin and his candidacy. "I know that legitimate rapists exist," said King. "For one thing, they have an association."
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Saturday, July 21,
2012
Guns Don't Kill People, People with Freely Available Automatic Weapons with 100 Bullet Drum Magazines Do
(03:45PM)
Opinions You Should Have joins the scores of gun enthusiasts who insist that, if Colorado allowed its citizens to carry concealed weapons, there would have been far less bloodshed in Aurora -- not counting the additional people who would have been shot by civilians attempting to shoot the assailant in the dark in a completely crowded theater filled by panicked people trying to escape.
This has been an Opinions You Should Have incredibly brief editorial.
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where's the "like" button?
:: TigressP81
July 21, 2012 5:29 PM
I think the blog is in need for an overhaul. If I could remember how to do that.
:: Tom Burka
July 21, 2012 6:22 PM
This I like and feel very strongly about. And if the violence continues, we will have more paranoids responding to their thoughts by voices they hear to kill, kill, kill. How about that?
:: susan s doherty
July 22, 2012 6:33 PM
Automatic weapons are not available for purchase. In countries where guns are restricted people kill with knives, clubs, stones, suicide vests, car bombs. The culture of anger and killing is not related to the weapons or methods used. Focusing on the instrument is not helpful in attempting to transform the culture. Start with the vengeful, retributive for profit penal system. Stop spending 53% of taxes on the military. Hold the true financial criminals accountable....just for starters. It is too easy to simply demonize a piece of metal.
:: Petrushka
July 23, 2012 10:03 AM
Had the occasion to visit a shooting range in a nearby town. People bringing whole arsenals with them One guy with 20+ weapons with him vaguely threatened us 'cause we were in the way of the restroom door.
Scary people are the Gun People.
:: Charlie
July 23, 2012 10:04 AM
Bring back the Hanging tree!! Remember the old cowboy movies about the 1800? How the murderer sweated as he looked through the bars while they were building the Gallows?Talk about a deterrent! Everybody had guns but they were careful how they used them. Justice was swift and permanent. Yet the weepies will cry "not capital punishment"The same people will send eighteen year old children ,who committed no crime ,off to war to be killed by the thousands....Go figure!! .....Charlie M.
:: Charlie M.
August 30, 2012 11:51 PM
Friday, May 4,
2012
Romney Calls New Jobs Report "Very Disappointing"; Wishes More Had Been Laid Off
(02:26PM)
"We all know the key to growing America's corporations is cutting the fat," Romney said. "Laying off lots and lots of workers is the key to maximizing profits and getting this economy back on its feet."
Romney explained that he wanted to help American workers by laying them off and giving them a robust economy where they could consume more goods and prop up more CEOs, "because well paid business executives are the people who create companies that create jobs that people can be laid off from."
George Poppadopomous, a former worker who lost his job last month, angrily questioned Romney outside the Fox News studios. "Can't you think of a better way to grow the economy besides firing workers?" he asked.
"Absolutely," answered Romney. " You can also cut medical benefits."
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Saturday, March 3,
2012
News from Yesteryear
(12:14PM)
BreakThruRadioTV reminds us that, in politics, January already seems like a long, long time ago.
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Watched 1:23, did not understand why you linked to it. Posted a whiny comment instead of finishing video.
:: Noumenon
March 4, 2012 8:54 AM
Thursday, January 5,
2012
Like Discovering That Leprechauns and Unicorns Are Real.
(12:01PM)
Republicans who aren't idiots about climate change on tape.
Gingrich Loses Caucuses But Still Mysteriously Paid $1.6 Million
(08:59AM)
Although New Gingrich came in fourth in the Iowa caucuses, the people of Iowa paid him $1.6 million for his participation, Gingrich spokespersons revealed this morning. It could not be determined what precisely Mr. Gingrich had been paid for, but Gingrich's people noted that Gingrich "rarely did anything" unless he could get paid $1.6 million to do it. "Iowa caucuses no exception," said one source.
It was unclear how Mr. Gingrich came to be paid, although sources suggested that Mr. Gingrich may have been a "historical consultant."
One Iowan, Phyllis Tange of Des Moines, had no objection to Mr. Gingrich's payment by Iowans, because she understood that he was being paid as a "hysterical consultant." Ms. Tange observed, "He certainly has a lot of expertise in that area."
In other news, Michelle Bachman credited her loss in the caucuses to communists, saying "those Reds love Romney, Santorum, and Paul." Further discussion with Ms. Bachmann revealed that had confused the Iowa caucuses with the Russian Caucasus.
Ron Paul attributed his third place showing to the existence of the Federal Reserve.
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Sunday, December 18,
2011
The Iraq War -- An Opinions You Should Have Timeline
(08:58PM)
This blog was born of the Iraq War and its sun-up, and it occurred to me that its early posts are an informative reminder of the war's advent and development.
Courtesy of Christopher Duva, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Gingrich":
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This was so much fun. Thanks.
:: susan s doherty
December 12, 2011 12:09 AM
Monday, December 5,
2011
Thought of the Day: Herman Cain Pulls Out
(08:14AM)
It occurs to me that Herman Cain would make a really good governor of Alaska.
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Thursday, November 10,
2011
Perry Team Thrilled: Candidate Usually Unable to Name Even One Federal Agency
(08:16PM)
The Perry debate team was thrilled last night that Governor Rick Perry was actually able to name two of the three agencies he would immediately eliminate if elected President, noting that the Texas governor rarely was able to name even one.
Melanie Sprim, a Perry debate strategist, could barely contain her glee. "Wow," she said, "He really nailed it! What a performance!" She explained. "When the moderator asked the governor to name three agencies, we were sweating bullets. Well, you can imagine our relief!"
During last night's debate, Perry said he would eliminate three agencies: Education and Commerce. He could not remember the name of the third, even after being given half an hour to think about it. In frustration, moderators momentarily considered allowing Perry to google the result.
Governor Perry later explained that he had already eliminated the Department of Energy from his mind, so he was unable to recall that it still existed.
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Saturday, November 5,
2011
Greek Leader to Prop Up Economy with Very Large Stick
(04:56PM)
After withdrawing his proposal for a referendum on the debt deal to save the Greek economy, Prime Minister George Popandreou has proposed instead propping up the economy with a very large stick.
"I understand that it would have to be immensely large," Popandreou said, "hundreds of kilometers long and very sturdy." Popandreou said that simply constructing the stick would create thousands of jobs and flood money into the economy.
"Unfortunately, building the stick would require massive infusions of capital," a member of the Greek government said, "and so once again, we are asking for a loan from the E.U."
The European Union was leary of the plan, because of concerns that the stick would really have to be large enough to bear the weight of the entire European economy, which threatens to collapse if the Greek economy falls. "This European Union thing was really smart," said E.U. official Francois Arczek. "Like John Kerry windsurfing or Michael Dukakis driving a tank."
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Saturday, September 24,
2011
Tiny Neutrinos May Have Broken Cosmic Speed Limit
(12:25PM)
Pulled over by tiny positrons, given tiny tickets.
Update: This post picked up as a "popular law story from around the web" by the Wall Street Journal.
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Monday, August 1,
2011
Debt Ceiling Battle to be Followed by Showdown Over Ugly Debt Wallpaper, Drab Debt Carpeting
(10:45AM)
Nation Weeps
A frightened nation held its breath today over final negotiations to replaster the debt ceiling even as GOP negotiators threatened even tougher stances on replacing the ugly debt wallpaper and debt carpeting.
"Mark my words, we will not be replacing the debt carpeting unless we get a balanced budget amendment and a lifetime supply of twinkies and beer for every member of the Republican Party," Speaker John Boehner told reporters today.
Democrats practically wept over Boehner's threat, saying they were already exhausted with the effort of caving in on the debt ceiling. "Some people may not understand, but capitulating to every demand of the Republican Party is very effortful," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Reid was going to say "taxing," but reconsidered under pressure from GOP leaders.
"I'm just happy they were able to come to an agreement over the ceiling," said April Pishter, a housewife from Debuque, Arkansas. She was untroubled by the terms of the agreement, so long as long as the ceiling remained intact. "It's just so important to have a roof, a ceiling, anything hanging over our heads."
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I started laughing from the begining captions. Does that mean the Republicans are jokers?
