Wednesday, March 19, 2014

NJ Port Authority Chief Admits He Diverted Malaysian Plane (04:48PM)

During tense questioning by investigators into the closure of lanes on the George Washington Bridge, the Chief of the New Jersey Port Authority, David Samson, suddenly blurted out that he had diverted the missing Malaysian plane. "Oops," he said.

He said that he and his "minions" had diverted the plane as an experiment to see whether the technique he and his team used could be applied to planes carrying New Jersey officials who failed to back Christie during his 2013 re-election campaign.

He declined to describe the technique that he and his group of "henchmen" used, saying that he was applying for a patent on it.

Samson refused to elaborate on the location of the missing plane "on the advice of my attorneys," he said.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Malaysia Misplaces Search and Rescue Teams (01:20PM)

The Malaysian government today revealed that it was not sure where its search and rescue teams were and that they and lost radio contact with them entirely. "We are not really sure where we sent them," said Idris Jala, a Malaysian government official.

Jala admitted that they had given the search and rescue teams so many conflicting accounts of where the missing Malaysian plane was last seen or was expected to be, that the government itself had lost track of all of the locations. "They could be anywhere, really," said Jala.

Search and rescue teams are now searching for the missing search and rescue teams. To prevent the government from losing the new search and rescue teams, they have been equipped with the same flags on long sticks that Malaysian tour guides use to assist tourists in find them in crowded museums.

"Those always work," Minister of Tourism Ng Yen Yen stated. "We haven't lost a tour group in weeks."

Saturday, March 8, 2014

What are you giving up for Lent? I'm giving up hoping. . . (09:01AM)

I'm giving up hoping that the Democratic Party grows a spine.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Obama to Delay Affordable Care Act Until Cancer Cured and Pigs Fly (08:02AM)

President Barack Obama issued an executive order today delaying the implementation of the Affordable health Care Act indefinitely, saying he wanted to delay its implementation long enough to give voters a chance to forget that it ever existed.

"There have been some headaches in implementing the Act," said Obama, "and we want people to be able to get treatment for those headaches under the insurance plans they have now." Obama urged those without insurance to go to their local hospital emergency rooms.

While often hailed as the signature achievement of his administration, critics have claimed that the Act puts onerous requirements on small businesses, large businesses, multinational corporations and "other people," as Senator Mitch McConnell put it.

More to come....

Monday, September 30, 2013

Top Ten Thirteen Fifteen GOP Demands to Avoid Government Shutdown (03:16PM)

1) Defund Obamacare.

2) Require that every freshman congressperson wear a beanie with a propeller during their first year in office.

3) Require that every child eat his or her peas.

4) Eliminate Medicare.

5) End Welfare.

6) Do away with any other government program ending in "care" or "are."

7) Get rid of any other government program that is, like those other programs, supported by a majority of Americans.

8) Drown government in a bathtub.

9) If you can't drown government in a bathtub, just start with the Senate Majority Leader and work your way up.

10) Crown Senator Ted Cruz King and make Rep. Eric Cantor his Queen (who will also be known as "his bitch.") A bunch of other Senators can also be crowned queens. They know who they are.

11) Every Tuesday in Congress will henceforth be Bingo night.

12) Rename the Navy Bean Soup served in the Congressional Commissary "Our Brave Men and Women of the Armed Forces Who Place Themselves in Harm's Way Every Day to Protect Our Liberties" Bean Soup. Anyone who opposes this is a communist.

13) Tilt the country on its side so that all the poor people slide off into the sea.

14) Make that horrible rap and community-threatening hip hop illegal.

15) Reshoot Breaking Bad so it's about a teacher who gets cancer and decides not to cook meth, but instead decides to rely on his Healthcare Savings Account, which he's built up to $5000 over the course of the preceding three years. Make it have a happy ending and make it seem like it at least makes the slightest bit of sense.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

U.S. Military Apparently Run by Very Horny People, Says FBI (06:48PM)

The FBI today revealed that an investigation which had first revealed that CIA Chief General Petraeus was having one or two affairs, or possibly six, has now implicated other military figures in what an FBI spokesman called "ridiculous amounts of sex."

"It seems that America's military leaders are almost as insatiable as members of Congress," Special Agent Vilmos Zladek told the press.

The FBI has been investigating to see, among other things, if improper relations between high ranking officials and civilians had resulted in the disclosure of sensitive information.

"What we're concerned with here is security, yes, but also a complete lack of productivity," said Zladek. FBI agents have discovered tens of thousands of pages containing emails between General John Allen, the top military officer in Afghanistan and Jill Kelly, an extremely buxom socialite from Tampa, prompting agents to wonder how General Allen had time to do anything else -- for instance, to direct military operations in Afghanistan, walk, or shave. The FBI has not yet concluded whether Allen was having an affair with Kelly because it is possible, Zladek noted, that they were too busy writing emails to have sex with one another.

Lily Fitzsimmons of Little Brisket, Wisconsin, agreed that the FBI was right to investigate Petraus, who is married with children; Broadwell, who is married with children; Kelly, who is married but with whom children refuse to be associated; and other military figures. "I'm actually not so worried about the security implications or whether these people were really doing their jobs," she said. "I'm concerned with whether these people have the capacity to think, feel, or reason."

Friday, October 19, 2012

The Romney Tax Plan, Explained. (07:21PM)

I finally understand it, thanks to the fine people who set up this site.

HT to Larry Ray of The iHandbill.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Legitimate Rapists Back Akin (10:40AM)

A new group calling itself the Association of Legitimate Rapists has publically endorsed Senate candidate Todd Akin and, in fact, the entire Republican party and platform. "Republicans are the party of legitimate rapists," said spokesman Mark Futter, " and probably, in fact, rapists everywhere."

After Akin's recent remarks on abortion -- that "legitimate rape rarely results in pregnancy" -- the association immediately made large contributions to the RNC, Mr Akin's campaign, and very large secret donations to SuperPacs run by Karl Rove and the Koch brothers. "We have to get behind these people," said legitimate rapist Steven McDonald. "These people are behind us; we have to get behind them." It was unclear whether McDonald's remarks were an expression of support or intimate desire.

There has been some controversy surrounding Akin's remarks, including great criticism from scientists (that pregnancy occurs at the same rate among criminally sexual practitioners as it does among consenting adults), women (that there is no such thing as a "legitimate rapist") and women scientists (that Todd Akin is a complete moron).

In response to calls for Akin to withdraw from the Senate race, fellow congressman Steve King, a prominent leader of the Republican party, expressed continued support for Akin and his candidacy. "I know that legitimate rapists exist," said King. "For one thing, they have an association."

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Guns Don't Kill People, People with Freely Available Automatic Weapons with 100 Bullet Drum Magazines Do (03:45PM)

Mag AR-15 5.56x45mm C-Mag Beta Mag 100 Round Capacity Plastic Construction Clear Rear Cover Made In U.S.A.Opinions You Should Have joins the scores of gun enthusiasts who insist that, if Colorado allowed its citizens to carry concealed weapons, there would have been far less bloodshed in Aurora -- not counting the additional people who would have been shot by civilians attempting to shoot the assailant in the dark in a completely crowded theater filled by panicked people trying to escape.

This has been an Opinions You Should Have incredibly brief editorial.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Romney Calls New Jobs Report "Very Disappointing"; Wishes More Had Been Laid Off (02:26PM)

Mitt Romney told Fox News earlier that he found today's jobs report extremely disappointing, because the unemployment rate was simply not high enough to promote growth in American businesses.

"We all know the key to growing America's corporations is cutting the fat," Romney said. "Laying off lots and lots of workers is the key to maximizing profits and getting this economy back on its feet."

Romney explained that he wanted to help American workers by laying them off and giving them a robust economy where they could consume more goods and prop up more CEOs, "because well paid business executives are the people who create companies that create jobs that people can be laid off from."

George Poppadopomous, a former worker who lost his job last month, angrily questioned Romney outside the Fox News studios. "Can't you think of a better way to grow the economy besides firing workers?" he asked.

"Absolutely," answered Romney. " You can also cut medical benefits."

Saturday, March 3, 2012

News from Yesteryear (12:14PM)

BreakThruRadioTV reminds us that, in politics, January already seems like a long, long time ago.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Like Discovering That Leprechauns and Unicorns Are Real. (12:01PM)

Republicans who aren't idiots about climate change on tape.

HT: Mac McClelland and James West.

Gingrich Loses Caucuses But Still Mysteriously Paid $1.6 Million (08:59AM)

Although New Gingrich came in fourth in the Iowa caucuses, the people of Iowa paid him $1.6 million for his participation, Gingrich spokespersons revealed this morning. It could not be determined what precisely Mr. Gingrich had been paid for, but Gingrich's people noted that Gingrich "rarely did anything" unless he could get paid $1.6 million to do it. "Iowa caucuses no exception," said one source.

It was unclear how Mr. Gingrich came to be paid, although sources suggested that Mr. Gingrich may have been a "historical consultant."

One Iowan, Phyllis Tange of Des Moines, had no objection to Mr. Gingrich's payment by Iowans, because she understood that he was being paid as a "hysterical consultant." Ms. Tange observed, "He certainly has a lot of expertise in that area."

In other news, Michelle Bachman credited her loss in the caucuses to communists, saying "those Reds love Romney, Santorum, and Paul." Further discussion with Ms. Bachmann revealed that had confused the Iowa caucuses with the Russian Caucasus.

Ron Paul attributed his third place showing to the existence of the Federal Reserve.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Iraq War -- An Opinions You Should Have Timeline (08:58PM)

This blog was born of the Iraq War and its sun-up, and it occurred to me that its early posts are an informative reminder of the war's advent and development.

March 13, 2003

March 14, 2003

Bush Makes Last Ditch Attempt to Avoid Diplomatic Solution.

March 19, 2003

Bush launches invasion of Iraq.

March 25, 2003

Commanders Misplace 4th Infantry Division.

April 7, 2003

U.S. Marines Discover Hidden Trove of Extra Hussein Sons.

April 8, 2003

Marines Encounter More Than Just Pockets of Resistance in Baghdad, Try to Fend Off Complete Pants.

April 12, 2003

Deck of Cards Mixup Leads to Accidental Killing of Actual King of Hearts.

April 22, 2003

Angry Rumsfeld Crushes Reporters Left Testicle.


April 29, 2003

Bush Signs Pact With Terrorist Group; White House Analysts Conclude That U.S. Must Invade Self.

April 29, 2003 (later that day)

Iraqis Celebrate End of Hussein Reign; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them.

April 30, 2003

Iraqis Protest Shooting of Iraqis by U.S. Soldiers; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them.

May 2, 2003

Cheney Suggests Bush Make Absurdly Dangerous Landing On Aircraft Carrier.

(Bush Takes Opportunity to Wear Largest-Ever Presidential Codpiece.)

May 12, 2003

Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax Captured; Colonel Mustard Still At Large.

May 13, 2003

Paul Bremer Takes Over; Iraq Administrator Jay Garner Demoted to Shoulder Rest For Reporters At Press Conferences.

June 11, 2003

Claimed Iraqi Bioweapons Trailers Revealed To be Winnebagos.

CIA drawing of trailer interior.

CIA photograph of trailer exterior.

July 23, 2003

Bush Proclaims End of Hussein Regime; Saddam Hussein Rumored to Secretly Attend Announcement.
October 8, 2003
Rice Moves Quickly To Rebuild Iraq; Will Spend Week Looking At Color Swatches.
October 15, 2003
Report Says Killing Moslems Makes Them Angry And Possibly Even Violent.

October 26, 2003

Wolfowitz: Service in Baghdad Hotel "Much Better Than You'd Think."

October 28, 2003

Bush Upbeat On Terrorist Attacks; Al Qaeda Surprisingly Positive As Well.

November 2, 2003

Stupid Senseless Deaths Inevitable Part of Stupid, Senseless War, Says Rumsfeld.

November 30, 2003

Cheney Makes Surprise Thanksgiving Visit To Undisclosed Location.

December 14, 2003

Model For Toppled Iraq Statue Found; Was Posing For Sculpture Of Man In Deep Hole.

December 22, 2003

Terrorist Threat Level Raised To "Orange-er."

February 18, 2004

Iraqi Shiites Want To Rename Sunni Triangle "Tiny Sunni Hexagon."

February 22, 2004

Wardrobe Malfunction Delaying Iraq Elections, Says Bremer.

March 8, 2004

Interim Iraqi Constitution Still Signed; Could Last Until Thursday.

April 18, 2004

Bush To Return Iraq For Credit Or Refund.

April 23, 2004

Iraqi Caretaker Government To Be Replaced By "Janitorial Administocracy."

April 27, 2004

Siege Of Fallujah Voted Best Ceasefire Ever.

May 3, 2004

Republican Guard To Be Placed In Charge Of Iraq Prisons, Fallujah; More Secure And Humane, Says U.S.

May 4, 2004

Bill Clinton Responsible For Prisoner Abuse, Says Bush.

May 17, 2004

Iraqi Council President's Assassination Not Huge Setback, Says Bush; Wasn't Going To Be President of Council Much Longer Anyway, He Says.

May 26, 2004

Terrorist Threat Level Raised From Yellow To "Yellower."

May 31, 2004

Cable Networks Planning To Add All-Chalabi Channel.

June 2, 2004

Iraqi Governing Council Takes Bold New Step Of Renaming Itself.

June 17, 2004

Cheney Unable To Order Breakfast Without Mentioning Imaginary Al Qaeda-Iraq Link; Orders Eggs And "Intrinsically-Linked" Sausages.

June 22, 2004

White House Afraid That Fact That White House Authorized Torture Causing Growing Perception That White House Authorized Torture.

July 9, 2004

Sinking Bush Poll Numbers Increase Likelihood of Terrorist Attack, Says Ridge.

September 21, 2004

U.S. Negotiates Complete Start Of Hostilities Against City Of Fallujah.

December 21, 2004

Fact That Iraq War Is Going Poorly Convincing Americans War Is Going Poorly, Complains Bush.

January 21, 2005

Bush: Exporting Freedom Will Halve Trade Deficit.

January 31, 2005

Iraqi Election Held to Create American-Style Democracy; Powerful Lobbyists For Special Interests To Be Created Next Week.

March 1, 2005

Iraqi Government As Good On Human Rights As U.S. Government, State Department Finds.

May 17, 2005

Bush To Retract War.

June 29, 2005

Bush To Invade Iraq Again; Army Already In Place.

August 15, 2005

Iraq's First Constitutional Crisis Involves Possible Lack Of Constitution.

August 8, 2006

Americans Beg Bush To Take Longer Vacation.

December 13, 2006

Decider To Defer Decision on Iraq Decision Deferral.

January 10, 2007

Bush Unveils i-Iraq i-Policy i-Initiative; Feels Adding "i" To Beginning Of Every Word Will Make Ideas Look New And Vital.

September 23, 2007

To Deal With Iraqi Unrest, Bush Proposes Blackwater Surge; Presence Of More Private Mercenaries Needed To Stop Anti-Mercenary Inspired Violence, He Says.


More war.

December 18, 2011

Iraq War ends.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Some Holiday "Cheer" (11:31AM)

Courtesy of Christopher Duva, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Gingrich":

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