Democrats Secure Momentous Sixtieth Vote From Other Democrats For Incredible Political Victory

In an amazing show of political leverage and power, the Democratic party managed to pursuade a Democrat to vote for the Democrats' Health Care Reform Bill this past week.

Democrats gloated over what they claimed was evidence of Senate Majority Leader's Harry Reid's "immense heft" and President Obama's "legislative prowess".

"Wow, when you can just snap your fingers and get Democrats to support their own bill, that's something," said political observer Prof. Ronald P. Moar.

The crucial sixtieth vote was finally wrested from Senator Ben Nelson (D - Nebraska) with the ease of prying a gun from Charlton Heston's cold dead hands. Nelson said he was reluctantly going to vote on the side of his party in exchange for several bags of gold bullion and the addition to the bill of an unconstitutional provision reenacting slavery in his home state of Nebraska.

In the final days of fierce negotiating, Nelson, Sen. Joseph Lieberman (Idiot - Conn.), and other reluctant members of the Democratic Caucus just managed to craft a bill every member could get behind by stripping the health care reform measures from the health care reform bill. "Now that's reform I can really get behind," said Sen. Joseph Leiberman, just before reversing himself and saying that he was not sure he could get behind it.

"This is unprecedented," said Prof. Moar, "With this kind of cohesiveness and support from within their own party, there's no telling what Democrats will be able to do in the future." Prof. Moar reflected.

"Absolutely no telling at all."

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Kanye West disrupted a last minute agreement between warring factions over the health care bill today, after he burst into a Senate Finance Committee meeting and declared that "Beyonce's music video was absolutely the best.."

The future of the Health Care bill is now "doubtful," according to Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus, who said he was not sure he could now bend over far enough backwards to placate Republicans with no interest in achieving health care reform. "The meaningless compromise we worked on so long and so hard now appears to be dead," he told reporters.

Mr. West had a busy morning, also interrupting secret high level talks between the United States and North Korea on nuclear weapons development (to say that "Beyonce ruled"), disrupting the Supreme Court's consideration of whether to dismantle campaign finance regulation (to say that Sonia Sotomayer was "way cooler" than the other Justices), and crashing the bris for young Noah Schwartzwald (where he insisted that circumcision was unneccesary and "just plain rude").

Mr. West's public relations representative, Adrian Fischer, did not respond to inquiries about West's behavior, but instead volunteered to take over management of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars; he was, he said, looking for work that was "slightly less challenging."

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Washington, D.C., 2011 -- President Sarah Palin shocked the country today after she announced that she would resign her position as President because, among other things, she did not wish to become a lame duck.

President Palin, who was elevated to the post shortly after nine Inaugural balls proved too much for the elderly President John McCain -- "It was one dance too many," said a tearful Cindy McCain -- has only been President for two years, but she said that she could better lead America if she was not hampered by her current position as the leader of America.

In yet another surprise, Palin, who never appointed her replacement to the Office of the Vice President said that she would be handing over the reins to Nancy Pelosi, who pledged to be the "best second woman president this country has ever had."

Palin likened her decision to resign to a basketball player's decision to "pass the ball," a quarterback's decision to "get rid of the pigskin," and a NASA flight controller's decision to "ground the bird." She also made a comparison between her role as President and her future role as an "American leader" to the difference between butter and "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She also loosely quoted General Douglas Macarthur, saying "We are not moving backward. We are moving forward in reverse."

Palin's made the announcement from her home in Wasilla, Alaska, where she continued to live even after becoming President. She had decried "wasting American tax dollars on keeping up that expensive White House," adding "she had a perfectly good house in Alaska, and a good deal of it is white."

Palin's bills commuting from Washington to Alaska during her two years in office cost the country close to $20 million, according to figures provided by the Office of Management and Budget.

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People have been wondering where I've been. All over the place, actually, but my most recent absence has been caused in part because I was in Washington, D.C. chasing down a contribution to Bill Scher's great LiberalOasis Radio Show. He's gone to a new format where he combines his usual top-notch political commentary and interviews with segments from contributors. It's like This American Life on steroids (or participating in Major League baseball).

This week's show includes a podcast I hunted down from Congressman Roy Canunkabunk, the only Blue Dog Democrat in Massachussetts. He's acquired many accolades and been called many things while in Washington, the most recent of which is "a real piece of work." Check it out.

Also on this week's show: Sierra Club's Josh Dorner speaking about a real energy bill that's going to come out of the House, Tom Pappalardo with a very funny and nostalgic piece about 1980s computers, Dianne Bilyak with an interesting take on "Facebook" lists and WHMP's Glenn Johnson reporting from Northampton's Gay Pride day.

The show is broadcast on WHMP every Saturday at 10 a.m., and you can listen, download, or horde it at these links: (iTunes / XML feed / MP3).

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Wall Street Rejoices

Aside from the billions it lost, Citigroup made millions of dollars in profit, wowing battered investors and sending the stock market skyrocketing all the way back up to to last week's horrific low. "It's a miracle!" said one trader, "We're back on track!"

"When we examined our books, we found that the months where the government gave us money showed us taking in absolutely whopping amounts of cash," said Citigroup executive Neil Patsy. "We were raking it in. Seriously. The government drove dump trucks to our headquarters and we gathered everything they gave us with rakes."

Investors hungry for good news pounced on what some called "interesting accounting practices" to push the market skyward, "or at least to prop it up like a crude box trap held up by a stick tied to a string," said another trader.

Economics Professor Urtigan Azkawari, whose ministering to sick companies has earned him the nickname "Dr. Money," said that he was pleased with Citigroup's progress. "Look at the patient," he said. "He's lost his arms, his legs, his kidneys and he's half blind -- but other than that that, he's doing quite well."

Democrats repealed the tax code entirely today, citing the need to swiftly fill positions in the Obama White House.

"The fact is, it's just impossible to find someone with the appropriate level of government experience who hasn't cheated on their taxes," said Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff.

"In all fairness, most career government officials are unaware that income is taxable as income," explained White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. As he spoke, Gibbs himself filed an amended return.

The issue came to a head recently as former majority leader Tom Daschle bowed out of the running for Health and Human Services Secretary because he only belatedly realized that receiving over two hundred thousand dollars worth of goods and services -- a chauffer-driven car for one year -- could be considered income. Daschle explained that he had thought the driver was just a "nice guy" who offered to give him lifts because it was "on the way." "I couldn't believe my luck," said Daschle, "For an entire year he was headed in my direction."

In later remarks, Daschle had said that he had thought it possible that he had won the use of the car and driver in a church raffle or a lottery.

"He did win the lottery," said Jill McIntyre, a coal miner from Slakeville, Pennsylvania. "He was elected to Congress, and after that, he's taken care of for life."

Sacrifice Not In Most Execs' Vocabulary, People Find

Wall Street execs responded today to President Obama's angry denunciation of their recent round of bonuses, saying that they were ready to knuckle down and make some real bonuses, endure true bonuses, and even brave possible bonuses in order to help their companies and the country find its way out a crippling economic downturn.

"I think President Obama is right," said CEO Martin Randolph, head of Entropy Manufacturing, the largest manufacturing company in the United States. "The situation is urgent. The board and I have decided that we must take drastic action and give ourselves bonuses right away, before it is too late."

But some CEOs responded strongly to President Obama's words. "If not bonuses, then what do we give ourselves?" said Brett Ratner, chief executive of Globutronics. "Bonuses are pretty much the only assets left to take."

"It is a common misconception that bonuses should be related to profits," explained Prof. Ernest Pyle, an expert on economics and a member of the boards of over 65 embattled, now-crappy companies. "Bonuses have to remain high in order that companies can continue to attract great CEOs after, say, they've been reorganized under bankruptcy proceedings."

The GOP leadership assailed Obama's words tonight, saying his words reflected a lack of understanding about righting the American financial system. "The only thing that will stimulate the economy is cutting taxes on these CEO's bonuses," said Sen. Mitch McConnell. "Nothing else."

Continuing a White House ritual, President George W. Bush left a note in the Oval Office for President-elect Barack Obama, wishing him well as he takes the reins of the executive branch.

The White House on Tuesday declined to provide intimate details of the message the two-term Republican left for the incoming Democrat, saying only that Bush wrote it on Monday and left it in the top drawer of his desk.

Dear Barack,

As you know, it has become a tradition for the old President to leave the new President a confidential letter, telling the new President whatever the old President thinks is important to pass on. It was pretty tough figuring out what to write here because there's some things my legal guys say I should never put on paper, if you know what I mean. Hey, you could take that as a first piece of advice -- try not to write anything down.

I hope I got the number on the envelope right. If I screwed up, well, it's been busy here, trying to get out of the White House in time. Speaking of which, if you could keep your eye out for a 9-iron with a graphite shaft, I think it's a Calloway. I cant find the dang thing anywhere. And somewhere there's also a silver toothpick I like an awful lot. Mght be in the couch.

Well, let's get to it. The responsibilities and dangers of high office are many. I would warn you about some.

Watch out for pretzels. They can sneak up on you. I learned the hard way, your choice of Superbowl snack food can be critical.

Here's another thing: Sometimes you have to make an exit off a stage and they lock the doors on you. That can be embarrassing. Make sure you have a viable retreat plan before you get up there behind the podium.

Give everyone a nickname. Makes everyone like you. I have discovered you can get away with names like "Pooty Poot" and "Stinky Cheese Guy". For some reason, people love this.

Lastly, make sure you get enough rest and exercise. It's a stressful job. You got to be at your best. I recommend at least two hours a day working out and roughly a third of your term should be vacation.

Well, that about wraps it up. I wish you well. And for the record, I never drank any of that Johnny Walker Black in the lower righthand drawer.

George

Failure Reveals Massive Flaw In Theory of Constiutional Interpretation

Tuesday, Chief Justice John Roberts admitted that so-called "strict constructionists" -- who base their interpretations of the Nation's laws based on the exact words in the Constitution -- are unable to read.

"We just kind of make up what we want to hear," Roberts said. "We've been doing it for years. Scalia is the worst offender."

Roberts was forced to make the announcement after it became apparent that he had been unable to accurately read the 35 words making up the President's inaugural oath.

"I figured if I would put in 'swear' and 'duty' and 'so help me God,' no one would really notice," said Roberts.

Roberts, however, was forced to correct his administration of the oath when President Obama pointed out his mistake.

Of his theory of legal interpetation, which has been critical in decisions of the Supreme Court for some time, Roberts said, "We've been doing it for years. It's just absolute nonsense."

Ruth Bader Ginsberg had suspected as much, not just from the bizarre content of many of Justice Roberts', Thomas', and Scalia's opinions, but also because they furrowed their brows and moved their lips when they tried to order off a dinner menu. "They would all just throw up their hands and order the pasta," said Ginsberg. "Every time."

The history of the Iraq War in headlines:

Bush Plan To Invade Iraq, Syria, Iran, and North Korea "Totally Different" Than Neocon Plan to Invade Iraq, Syria, Iran, and North Korea

Stupid Senseless Deaths Inevitable Part of Stupid, Senseless War, Says Rumsfeld

And naturally, the most recent development:

Last night, in an address to the nation, President Bush explained that he would have to "invade Iraq again," because "it's an awful mess over there." He said he was "not sure who was in charge" in Iraq, but that it had again become the "nexus of the axis of evil."

June, 2004. The OYSH headline that captures the entire Bush Presidency:

President Bush said that his present umbrella was "working perfectly" and rejected calls for a new one.

And in August, 2004, during the 2004 election cycle, when Bush beat us like a drum with his "everything I'm doing I'm doing for the sake of national security" lie, telling us Kerry was soft on terrorism, a particularly prescient OYSH story, just one year before Katrina:

Bush Says Kerry Soft On Weather

Electing Kerry Is Just What Terrible Weather Wants, Says GOP -- Bush announced plans to invade Cuba and Jamaica in what he called a "preemptive strike" against future Category 4 hurricanes. . . .

The truth was the terrible weather wanted Bush to be President all along.

Has Decided to Save Electoral Votes for 2012

The State of Missouri has decided to remain the sole white state among the fifty otherwise red or blue states that have pledged electoral votes towards candidates for the office of U.S. President after deciding to "bank" its electoral votes in advance of the next election.

"We're pretty frustrated with what we see as a lack of a voice in the outcome of these Presidential contests," said Missouri Secretary of State Hannah Clyland. "We figure that with 22 electoral votes in 2012, or 33 in 2016, we can put an end to this constant harping on Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida."

Political analysts have been baffled since November 5, when, although 100% of Missouri's votes had been counted, Missouri failed to declare a winner in the race for President. "We were all, like, hey, what happened to Missouri?" said analyst Chuck Todd of MSNBC. Todd initially speculated in a television broadcast last Tuesday night that Missouri was remaining "white" in solidarity with Canada and Mexico.

Today the Missouri Secretary of State admitted that Missouri has decided not to award its electoral votes to either candidate this year, but would "save them up for the future."

"We're going to keep our electoral votes for the next Presidential contest," Secretary of State Clyland told reporters Thursday afternoon. She declared that not only was it prudent to do so, it was a good example to consumers in today's "spendthrift economy."

President-elect Barack Obama will learn the full "burdens of office" tomorrow when he receives his first top secret briefing from the Director of National Intelligence, Mike McConnell.

President-elect Obama began receiving Presidential Daily Briefings (PDBs) from the CIA today. "President Obama will get exactly the same daily briefing that President Bush receives," said White House Press flack Dana Perino. Perino vigorously denied allegations that, for years, Dick Cheney had forced the CIA to "shape" its briefings to Bush to support particular political views.

OYSH has received copies of today's daily briefing for the President and the President-elect. Here are some excerpts:

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

Good morning, Mr. President-elect.

The situation in Iraq is incredibly fragile, with distinct factions in both Sunni and Shi'ite camps precariously balanced against each other. Violence could re-erupt at any moment. Civil discontent is high. Electricity and water supplies are still below pre-war levels and Iraqis are increasingly frustrated with the American occupation.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

Good morning, Mr. President!

Things couldn't be better in Iraq. Those people are just lapping up the freedom. Sources indicate that we have been greeted as saviors. The war has been won! Iraqis are thankful that the Americans are still present in great numbers to make their lives better and serve the cause of liberty.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

Iran is clearly working on developing the ability to manufacture nuclear weapons. We estimate that this will take at least six years. The situation requires careful monitoring, but we believe diplomacy and U.N. pressure is safer than even the limited use of military force.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

Iran will drop a nuclear bomb on Israel as early as next Thursday.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

North Korea has restarted its nuclear program. Kim Jong Il has suffered a stroke but factions vying for control of the government are fighting about whether to break with Jong Il's warlike tendencies or to develop a missile that can hit California.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

North Korea is still right above South Korea. Everything's just fine!

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

The world economy is headed for even sharper declines. This will likely create more resentment and anger toward the United States.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

The need for oil continues to produce record profits for oil companies all over the world that will trickle down to enrich the temporarily depressed markets . Prices are low but there are some good values out there! Everything's fantastic! In response to your question about the world marketplace, Mr. President, it is still possible to get a good hamburger outside of the United States.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

We are entering very dangerous waters, with challenges regarding nuclear proliferation, the terrorist threat in Afghanistan, Russia's increasing tendency to use military force to expand its influence in defiance of the rest of the world, and other threats to the security of the nation. The present executive's disregard of some of our warnings and advice has greatly contributed to the current unstable and perilous world environment.

Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

Your policies have never been more effective! Things look grim, but they're really not! Peace and prosperity are just around the corner. Some day, history will recognize your utter genius. Good job, Mr. President!

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Hello. And Bye.

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Hurry Up and Wait

TWO YEARS. It's been two years of campaigning. The field of Presidential candidates was winnowed to twenty-six people.

You did not stand idly by during all this. You listened to speeches. You suffered through cable news. You watched countless debates. You were there when the twelve Republican candidates fell over themselves telling the GOP electorate how much crueler they would be to illegal immigrants than the guy standing next to them. (The sole exception being, if you can possibly imagine it, John McCain, who was practically booed by his fellow Republicans on the stage when he said you had to think about "human decency." The old John McCain.)

You initially supported Kucinich, in part because of his political stance, in part because he has a really hot wife. They look interesting when they stand together because he's about four feet high and she's six and a half. You continued to support him even when, at one of the debates, he tried to explain his sighting of a UFO when he was the Mayor of Cleveland.

The primaries lasted forever, right up to the summer. McCain ended up the GOP candidate by a process of attritiion. Hillary and Obama supporters stopped speaking to one another. There were twenty-eight debates between Hillary and Obama even though they had almost exactly the same positions on everything. The two would-be nominees spent millions and millions of dollars straining to say how they would close Gitmo differently.

And then the general campaign started.

You were exhausted. You needed a vacation. When you took one, the Democrats held their convention, and when you had to get the kids back to a new year at school, the Republicans held theirs. The GOP became the POP -- the Party of Palin. More debates, more speeches, mudslinging, name calling.

TWO YEARS. After 57 debates, 3027 pundits, 17 anchors, 400 newspaper endorsements and two town hall meetings, the time has finally come for you to

Wait.

You're going to be waiting today. Because we have fewer voting booths per capita than Iraq has ballot boxes.

Lawn chair.

Twelve kinds of ID.

Proof of Residence at Recently Foreclosed Home.

Proust's Remembrance of Things Past.

Laptop, DVDs of "Brideshead Revisited" and small portable generator.

Team of Lawyers (for help with provisional ballot).

401-k (to be shown to Republican standing next to you).

Four pound bag containing daughter's Halloween candy.

Video iPod loaded with Will I. Am's "Yes, We Can," The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again," and Nixon's "I Am Not A Crook" speech.

Box of Tissues (for occasional bouts of tearful relief that nightmare of past eight years might soon be over).

Proof that Democrats Vote on Tuesday.

Courage

"Mission Accomplished" Banner (to be unfurled over voting booth upon finally emerging).

The small town of Dixville Notch, New Hampshire today decided a very close election when its twenty inhabitants resoundingly chose Barack Obama by a three to one margin, breaking a tie throughout the rest of the nation.

Polls had indicated that the nationwide contest would be close, and both candidates were forced to spend precious resources campaigning in this tiny "swing" hamlet of twenty registered voters. Obama and McCain have spent many days of the past two weeks camped out in this practically microscopic berg, Joe Biden spent seven days here, and Sarah Palin herself spent over $40,000 on clothes.

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There's only 20 registered voters? This election will be overturned for voter fraud then as there were 21 votes cast.

It's ACORN's fault.

21 votes and only 19 registered voters. Go ACORN!