2) Require that every freshman congressperson wear a beanie with a propeller during their first year in office.
3) Require that every child eat his or her peas.
4) Eliminate Medicare.
5) End Welfare.
6) Do away with any other government program ending in "care" or "are."
7) Get rid of any other government program that is, like those other programs, supported by a majority of Americans.
8) Drown government in a bathtub.
9) If you can't drown government in a bathtub, just start with the Senate Majority Leader and work your way up.
10) Crown Senator Ted Cruz King and make Rep. Eric Cantor his Queen (who will also be known as "his bitch.") A bunch of other Senators can also be crowned queens. They know who they are.
11) Every Tuesday in Congress will henceforth be Bingo night.
12) Rename the Navy Bean Soup served in the Congressional Commissary "Our Brave Men and Women of the Armed Forces Who Place Themselves in Harm's Way Every Day to Protect Our Liberties" Bean Soup. Anyone who opposes this is a communist.
13) Tilt the country on its side so that all the poor people slide off into the sea.
14) Make that horrible rap and community-threatening hip hop illegal.
15) Reshoot Breaking Bad so it's about a teacher who gets cancer and decides not to cook meth, but instead decides to rely on his Healthcare Savings Account, which he's built up to $5000 over the course of the preceding three years. Make it have a happy ending and make it seem like it at least makes the slightest bit of sense.
Wednesday, November 14,
U.S. Military Apparently Run by Very Horny People, Says FBI
The FBI today revealed that an investigation which had first revealed that CIA Chief General Petraeus was having one or two affairs, or possibly six, has now implicated other military figures in what an FBI spokesman called "ridiculous amounts of sex."
"It seems that America's military leaders are almost as insatiable as members of Congress," Special Agent Vilmos Zladek told the press.
The FBI has been investigating to see, among other things, if improper relations between high ranking officials and civilians had resulted in the disclosure of sensitive information.
"What we're concerned with here is security, yes, but also a complete lack of productivity," said Zladek. FBI agents have discovered tens of thousands of pages containing emails between General John Allen, the top military officer in Afghanistan and Jill Kelly, an extremely buxom socialite from Tampa, prompting agents to wonder how General Allen had time to do anything else -- for instance, to direct military operations in Afghanistan, walk, or shave. The FBI has not yet concluded whether Allen was having an affair with Kelly because it is possible, Zladek noted, that they were too busy writing emails to have sex with one another.
Lily Fitzsimmons of Little Brisket, Wisconsin, agreed that the FBI was right to investigate Petraus, who is married with children; Broadwell, who is married with children; Kelly, who is married but with whom children refuse to be associated; and other military figures. "I'm actually not so worried about the security implications or whether these people were really doing their jobs," she said. "I'm concerned with whether these people have the capacity to think, feel, or reason."
Friday, October 19,
The Romney Tax Plan, Explained.
I finally understand it, thanks to the fine people who set up this site.
A new group calling itself the Association of Legitimate Rapists has publically endorsed Senate candidate Todd Akin and, in fact, the entire Republican party and platform. "Republicans are the party of legitimate rapists," said spokesman Mark Futter, " and probably, in fact, rapists everywhere."
After Akin's recent remarks on abortion -- that "legitimate rape rarely results in pregnancy" -- the association immediately made large contributions to the RNC, Mr Akin's campaign, and very large secret donations to SuperPacs run by Karl Rove and the Koch brothers. "We have to get behind these people," said legitimate rapist Steven McDonald. "These people are behind us; we have to get behind them." It was unclear whether McDonald's remarks were an expression of support or intimate desire.
There has been some controversy surrounding Akin's remarks, including great criticism from scientists (that pregnancy occurs at the same rate among criminally sexual practitioners as it does among consenting adults), women (that there is no such thing as a "legitimate rapist") and women scientists (that Todd Akin is a complete moron).
In response to calls for Akin to withdraw from the Senate race, fellow congressman Steve King, a prominent leader of the Republican party, expressed continued support for Akin and his candidacy. "I know that legitimate rapists exist," said King. "For one thing, they have an association."
Saturday, July 21,
Guns Don't Kill People, People with Freely Available Automatic Weapons with 100 Bullet Drum Magazines Do
Opinions You Should Have joins the scores of gun enthusiasts who insist that, if Colorado allowed its citizens to carry concealed weapons, there would have been far less bloodshed in Aurora -- not counting the additional people who would have been shot by civilians attempting to shoot the assailant in the dark in a completely crowded theater filled by panicked people trying to escape.
This has been an Opinions You Should Have incredibly brief editorial.
Friday, May 4,
Romney Calls New Jobs Report "Very Disappointing"; Wishes More Had Been Laid Off
"We all know the key to growing America's corporations is cutting the fat," Romney said. "Laying off lots and lots of workers is the key to maximizing profits and getting this economy back on its feet."
Romney explained that he wanted to help American workers by laying them off and giving them a robust economy where they could consume more goods and prop up more CEOs, "because well paid business executives are the people who create companies that create jobs that people can be laid off from."
George Poppadopomous, a former worker who lost his job last month, angrily questioned Romney outside the Fox News studios. "Can't you think of a better way to grow the economy besides firing workers?" he asked.
"Absolutely," answered Romney. " You can also cut medical benefits."
Saturday, March 3,
News from Yesteryear
BreakThruRadioTV reminds us that, in politics, January already seems like a long, long time ago.
Thursday, January 5,
Like Discovering That Leprechauns and Unicorns Are Real.
Republicans who aren't idiots about climate change on tape.
Gingrich Loses Caucuses But Still Mysteriously Paid $1.6 Million
Although New Gingrich came in fourth in the Iowa caucuses, the people of Iowa paid him $1.6 million for his participation, Gingrich spokespersons revealed this morning. It could not be determined what precisely Mr. Gingrich had been paid for, but Gingrich's people noted that Gingrich "rarely did anything" unless he could get paid $1.6 million to do it. "Iowa caucuses no exception," said one source.
It was unclear how Mr. Gingrich came to be paid, although sources suggested that Mr. Gingrich may have been a "historical consultant."
One Iowan, Phyllis Tange of Des Moines, had no objection to Mr. Gingrich's payment by Iowans, because she understood that he was being paid as a "hysterical consultant." Ms. Tange observed, "He certainly has a lot of expertise in that area."
In other news, Michelle Bachman credited her loss in the caucuses to communists, saying "those Reds love Romney, Santorum, and Paul." Further discussion with Ms. Bachmann revealed that had confused the Iowa caucuses with the Russian Caucasus.
Ron Paul attributed his third place showing to the existence of the Federal Reserve.
Sunday, December 18,
The Iraq War -- An Opinions You Should Have Timeline
This blog was born of the Iraq War and its sun-up, and it occurred to me that its early posts are an informative reminder of the war's advent and development.
Thought of the Day: Herman Cain Pulls Out
It occurs to me that Herman Cain would make a really good governor of Alaska.
Thursday, November 10,
Perry Team Thrilled: Candidate Usually Unable to Name Even One Federal Agency
The Perry debate team was thrilled last night that Governor Rick Perry was actually able to name two of the three agencies he would immediately eliminate if elected President, noting that the Texas governor rarely was able to name even one.
Melanie Sprim, a Perry debate strategist, could barely contain her glee. "Wow," she said, "He really nailed it! What a performance!" She explained. "When the moderator asked the governor to name three agencies, we were sweating bullets. Well, you can imagine our relief!"
During last night's debate, Perry said he would eliminate three agencies: Education and Commerce. He could not remember the name of the third, even after being given half an hour to think about it. In frustration, moderators momentarily considered allowing Perry to google the result.
Governor Perry later explained that he had already eliminated the Department of Energy from his mind, so he was unable to recall that it still existed.
Saturday, November 5,
Greek Leader to Prop Up Economy with Very Large Stick
After withdrawing his proposal for a referendum on the debt deal to save the Greek economy, Prime Minister George Popandreou has proposed instead propping up the economy with a very large stick.
"I understand that it would have to be immensely large," Popandreou said, "hundreds of kilometers long and very sturdy." Popandreou said that simply constructing the stick would create thousands of jobs and flood money into the economy.
"Unfortunately, building the stick would require massive infusions of capital," a member of the Greek government said, "and so once again, we are asking for a loan from the E.U."
The European Union was leary of the plan, because of concerns that the stick would really have to be large enough to bear the weight of the entire European economy, which threatens to collapse if the Greek economy falls. "This European Union thing was really smart," said E.U. official Francois Arczek. "Like John Kerry windsurfing or Michael Dukakis driving a tank."
Saturday, September 24,
Tiny Neutrinos May Have Broken Cosmic Speed Limit