Wednesday, November 14, 2012


U.S. Military Apparently Run by Very Horny People, Says FBI (06:48PM)

The FBI today revealed that an investigation which had first revealed that CIA Chief General Petraeus was having one or two affairs, or possibly six, has now implicated other military figures in what an FBI spokesman called "ridiculous amounts of sex."

"It seems that America's military leaders are almost as insatiable as members of Congress," Special Agent Vilmos Zladek told the press.

The FBI has been investigating to see, among other things, if improper relations between high ranking officials and civilians had resulted in the disclosure of sensitive information.

"What we're concerned with here is security, yes, but also a complete lack of productivity," said Zladek. FBI agents have discovered tens of thousands of pages containing emails between General John Allen, the top military officer in Afghanistan and Jill Kelly, an extremely buxom socialite from Tampa, prompting agents to wonder how General Allen had time to do anything else -- for instance, to direct military operations in Afghanistan, walk, or shave. The FBI has not yet concluded whether Allen was having an affair with Kelly because it is possible, Zladek noted, that they were too busy writing emails to have sex with one another.

Lily Fitzsimmons of Little Brisket, Wisconsin, agreed that the FBI was right to investigate Petraus, who is married with children; Broadwell, who is married with children; Kelly, who is married but with whom children refuse to be associated; and other military figures. "I'm actually not so worried about the security implications or whether these people were really doing their jobs," she said. "I'm concerned with whether these people have the capacity to think, feel, or reason."

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Friday, October 19, 2012


The Romney Tax Plan, Explained. (07:21PM)

I finally understand it, thanks to the fine people who set up this site.

HT to Larry Ray of The iHandbill.

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Thursday, August 23, 2012


Legitimate Rapists Back Akin (10:40AM)

A new group calling itself the Association of Legitimate Rapists has publically endorsed Senate candidate Todd Akin and, in fact, the entire Republican party and platform. "Republicans are the party of legitimate rapists," said spokesman Mark Futter, " and probably, in fact, rapists everywhere."

After Akin's recent remarks on abortion -- that "legitimate rape rarely results in pregnancy" -- the association immediately made large contributions to the RNC, Mr Akin's campaign, and very large secret donations to SuperPacs run by Karl Rove and the Koch brothers. "We have to get behind these people," said legitimate rapist Steven McDonald. "These people are behind us; we have to get behind them." It was unclear whether McDonald's remarks were an expression of support or intimate desire.

There has been some controversy surrounding Akin's remarks, including great criticism from scientists (that pregnancy occurs at the same rate among criminally sexual practitioners as it does among consenting adults), women (that there is no such thing as a "legitimate rapist") and women scientists (that Todd Akin is a complete moron).

In response to calls for Akin to withdraw from the Senate race, fellow congressman Steve King, a prominent leader of the Republican party, expressed continued support for Akin and his candidacy. "I know that legitimate rapists exist," said King. "For one thing, they have an association."

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Saturday, July 21, 2012


Guns Don't Kill People, People with Freely Available Automatic Weapons with 100 Bullet Drum Magazines Do (03:45PM)

Mag AR-15 5.56x45mm C-Mag Beta Mag 100 Round Capacity Plastic Construction Clear Rear Cover Made In U.S.A.Opinions You Should Have joins the scores of gun enthusiasts who insist that, if Colorado allowed its citizens to carry concealed weapons, there would have been far less bloodshed in Aurora -- not counting the additional people who would have been shot by civilians attempting to shoot the assailant in the dark in a completely crowded theater filled by panicked people trying to escape.



This has been an Opinions You Should Have incredibly brief editorial.

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where's the "like" button?

:: TigressP81 July 21, 2012 5:29 PM

I think the blog is in need for an overhaul. If I could remember how to do that.

:: Tom Burka July 21, 2012 6:22 PM

This I like and feel very strongly about. And if the violence continues, we will have more paranoids responding to their thoughts by voices they hear to kill, kill, kill. How about that?

:: susan s doherty July 22, 2012 6:33 PM

Automatic weapons are not available for purchase. In countries where guns are restricted people kill with knives, clubs, stones, suicide vests, car bombs. The culture of anger and killing is not related to the weapons or methods used. Focusing on the instrument is not helpful in attempting to transform the culture. Start with the vengeful, retributive for profit penal system. Stop spending 53% of taxes on the military. Hold the true financial criminals accountable....just for starters. It is too easy to simply demonize a piece of metal.

:: Petrushka July 23, 2012 10:03 AM

Had the occasion to visit a shooting range in a nearby town. People bringing whole arsenals with them One guy with 20+ weapons with him vaguely threatened us 'cause we were in the way of the restroom door.

Scary people are the Gun People.

:: Charlie July 23, 2012 10:04 AM

Bring back the Hanging tree!! Remember the old cowboy movies about the 1800? How the murderer sweated as he looked through the bars while they were building the Gallows?Talk about a deterrent! Everybody had guns but they were careful how they used them. Justice was swift and permanent. Yet the weepies will cry "not capital punishment"The same people will send eighteen year old children ,who committed no crime ,off to war to be killed by the thousands....Go figure!! .....Charlie M.

:: Charlie M. August 30, 2012 11:51 PM

Friday, May 4, 2012


Romney Calls New Jobs Report "Very Disappointing"; Wishes More Had Been Laid Off (02:26PM)

Mitt Romney told Fox News earlier that he found today's jobs report extremely disappointing, because the unemployment rate was simply not high enough to promote growth in American businesses.

"We all know the key to growing America's corporations is cutting the fat," Romney said. "Laying off lots and lots of workers is the key to maximizing profits and getting this economy back on its feet."

Romney explained that he wanted to help American workers by laying them off and giving them a robust economy where they could consume more goods and prop up more CEOs, "because well paid business executives are the people who create companies that create jobs that people can be laid off from."

George Poppadopomous, a former worker who lost his job last month, angrily questioned Romney outside the Fox News studios. "Can't you think of a better way to grow the economy besides firing workers?" he asked.

"Absolutely," answered Romney. " You can also cut medical benefits."


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Saturday, March 3, 2012


News from Yesteryear (12:14PM)

BreakThruRadioTV reminds us that, in politics, January already seems like a long, long time ago.

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Watched 1:23, did not understand why you linked to it. Posted a whiny comment instead of finishing video.

:: Noumenon March 4, 2012 8:54 AM

Thursday, January 5, 2012


Like Discovering That Leprechauns and Unicorns Are Real. (12:01PM)

Republicans who aren't idiots about climate change on tape.


HT: Mac McClelland and James West.

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Gingrich Loses Caucuses But Still Mysteriously Paid $1.6 Million (08:59AM)

Although New Gingrich came in fourth in the Iowa caucuses, the people of Iowa paid him $1.6 million for his participation, Gingrich spokespersons revealed this morning. It could not be determined what precisely Mr. Gingrich had been paid for, but Gingrich's people noted that Gingrich "rarely did anything" unless he could get paid $1.6 million to do it. "Iowa caucuses no exception," said one source.

It was unclear how Mr. Gingrich came to be paid, although sources suggested that Mr. Gingrich may have been a "historical consultant."

One Iowan, Phyllis Tange of Des Moines, had no objection to Mr. Gingrich's payment by Iowans, because she understood that he was being paid as a "hysterical consultant." Ms. Tange observed, "He certainly has a lot of expertise in that area."

In other news, Michelle Bachman credited her loss in the caucuses to communists, saying "those Reds love Romney, Santorum, and Paul." Further discussion with Ms. Bachmann revealed that had confused the Iowa caucuses with the Russian Caucasus.

Ron Paul attributed his third place showing to the existence of the Federal Reserve.

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Sunday, December 18, 2011


The Iraq War -- An Opinions You Should Have Timeline (08:58PM)

This blog was born of the Iraq War and its sun-up, and it occurred to me that its early posts are an informative reminder of the war's advent and development.

March 13, 2003

March 14, 2003

Bush Makes Last Ditch Attempt to Avoid Diplomatic Solution.

March 19, 2003

Bush launches invasion of Iraq.

March 25, 2003

Commanders Misplace 4th Infantry Division.

April 7, 2003

U.S. Marines Discover Hidden Trove of Extra Hussein Sons.

April 8, 2003

Marines Encounter More Than Just Pockets of Resistance in Baghdad, Try to Fend Off Complete Pants.

April 12, 2003

Deck of Cards Mixup Leads to Accidental Killing of Actual King of Hearts.

April 22, 2003

Angry Rumsfeld Crushes Reporters Left Testicle.

RumsfeldAngry.jpg

April 29, 2003

Bush Signs Pact With Terrorist Group; White House Analysts Conclude That U.S. Must Invade Self.

April 29, 2003 (later that day)

Iraqis Celebrate End of Hussein Reign; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them.

April 30, 2003

Iraqis Protest Shooting of Iraqis by U.S. Soldiers; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them.

May 2, 2003

Cheney Suggests Bush Make Absurdly Dangerous Landing On Aircraft Carrier.

(Bush Takes Opportunity to Wear Largest-Ever Presidential Codpiece.)

May 12, 2003

Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax Captured; Colonel Mustard Still At Large.

May 13, 2003

Paul Bremer Takes Over; Iraq Administrator Jay Garner Demoted to Shoulder Rest For Reporters At Press Conferences.

June 11, 2003


Claimed Iraqi Bioweapons Trailers Revealed To be Winnebagos.

Bwtrailer2.jpg
CIA drawing of trailer interior.

winnebago.jpg
CIA photograph of trailer exterior.

July 23, 2003

Bush Proclaims End of Hussein Regime; Saddam Hussein Rumored to Secretly Attend Announcement.
October 8, 2003
Rice Moves Quickly To Rebuild Iraq; Will Spend Week Looking At Color Swatches.
October 15, 2003
Report Says Killing Moslems Makes Them Angry And Possibly Even Violent.

October 26, 2003

Wolfowitz: Service in Baghdad Hotel "Much Better Than You'd Think."

October 28, 2003

Bush Upbeat On Terrorist Attacks; Al Qaeda Surprisingly Positive As Well.

November 2, 2003

Stupid Senseless Deaths Inevitable Part of Stupid, Senseless War, Says Rumsfeld.

November 30, 2003

Cheney Makes Surprise Thanksgiving Visit To Undisclosed Location.

December 14, 2003

Model For Toppled Iraq Statue Found; Was Posing For Sculpture Of Man In Deep Hole.

December 22, 2003

Terrorist Threat Level Raised To "Orange-er."

February 18, 2004

Iraqi Shiites Want To Rename Sunni Triangle "Tiny Sunni Hexagon."

February 22, 2004

Wardrobe Malfunction Delaying Iraq Elections, Says Bremer.

March 8, 2004

Interim Iraqi Constitution Still Signed; Could Last Until Thursday.

April 18, 2004

Bush To Return Iraq For Credit Or Refund.

April 23, 2004

Iraqi Caretaker Government To Be Replaced By "Janitorial Administocracy."

April 27, 2004

Siege Of Fallujah Voted Best Ceasefire Ever.

May 3, 2004

Republican Guard To Be Placed In Charge Of Iraq Prisons, Fallujah; More Secure And Humane, Says U.S.

May 4, 2004

Bill Clinton Responsible For Prisoner Abuse, Says Bush.

May 17, 2004

Iraqi Council President's Assassination Not Huge Setback, Says Bush; Wasn't Going To Be President of Council Much Longer Anyway, He Says.

May 26, 2004

Terrorist Threat Level Raised From Yellow To "Yellower."

May 31, 2004

Cable Networks Planning To Add All-Chalabi Channel.

June 2, 2004

Iraqi Governing Council Takes Bold New Step Of Renaming Itself.

June 17, 2004

Cheney Unable To Order Breakfast Without Mentioning Imaginary Al Qaeda-Iraq Link; Orders Eggs And "Intrinsically-Linked" Sausages.

June 22, 2004

White House Afraid That Fact That White House Authorized Torture Causing Growing Perception That White House Authorized Torture.

July 9, 2004

Sinking Bush Poll Numbers Increase Likelihood of Terrorist Attack, Says Ridge.

September 21, 2004

U.S. Negotiates Complete Start Of Hostilities Against City Of Fallujah.

December 21, 2004

Fact That Iraq War Is Going Poorly Convincing Americans War Is Going Poorly, Complains Bush.

January 21, 2005

Bush: Exporting Freedom Will Halve Trade Deficit.

January 31, 2005

Iraqi Election Held to Create American-Style Democracy; Powerful Lobbyists For Special Interests To Be Created Next Week.

March 1, 2005

Iraqi Government As Good On Human Rights As U.S. Government, State Department Finds.

May 17, 2005

Bush To Retract War.

June 29, 2005

Bush To Invade Iraq Again; Army Already In Place.

August 15, 2005

Iraq's First Constitutional Crisis Involves Possible Lack Of Constitution.

August 8, 2006

Americans Beg Bush To Take Longer Vacation.

December 13, 2006

Decider To Defer Decision on Iraq Decision Deferral.

January 10, 2007

Bush Unveils i-Iraq i-Policy i-Initiative; Feels Adding "i" To Beginning Of Every Word Will Make Ideas Look New And Vital.

September 23, 2007

To Deal With Iraqi Unrest, Bush Proposes Blackwater Surge; Presence Of More Private Mercenaries Needed To Stop Anti-Mercenary Inspired Violence, He Says.

2008-2010

More war.

December 18, 2011

Iraq War ends.

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Sunday, December 11, 2011


Some Holiday "Cheer" (11:31AM)

Courtesy of Christopher Duva, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Gingrich":

:: Comments left behind ::

This was so much fun. Thanks.

:: susan s doherty December 12, 2011 12:09 AM

Monday, December 5, 2011


Thought of the Day: Herman Cain Pulls Out (08:14AM)

It occurs to me that Herman Cain would make a really good governor of Alaska.

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Thursday, November 10, 2011


Perry Team Thrilled: Candidate Usually Unable to Name Even One Federal Agency (08:16PM)

The Perry debate team was thrilled last night that Governor Rick Perry was actually able to name two of the three agencies he would immediately eliminate if elected President, noting that the Texas governor rarely was able to name even one.

Melanie Sprim, a Perry debate strategist, could barely contain her glee. "Wow," she said, "He really nailed it! What a performance!" She explained. "When the moderator asked the governor to name three agencies, we were sweating bullets. Well, you can imagine our relief!"

During last night's debate, Perry said he would eliminate three agencies: Education and Commerce. He could not remember the name of the third, even after being given half an hour to think about it. In frustration, moderators momentarily considered allowing Perry to google the result.

Governor Perry later explained that he had already eliminated the Department of Energy from his mind, so he was unable to recall that it still existed.

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Saturday, November 5, 2011


Greek Leader to Prop Up Economy with Very Large Stick (04:56PM)

BigStick.jpgAfter withdrawing his proposal for a referendum on the debt deal to save the Greek economy, Prime Minister George Popandreou has proposed instead propping up the economy with a very large stick.

"I understand that it would have to be immensely large," Popandreou said, "hundreds of kilometers long and very sturdy." Popandreou said that simply constructing the stick would create thousands of jobs and flood money into the economy.

"Unfortunately, building the stick would require massive infusions of capital," a member of the Greek government said, "and so once again, we are asking for a loan from the E.U."

The European Union was leary of the plan, because of concerns that the stick would really have to be large enough to bear the weight of the entire European economy, which threatens to collapse if the Greek economy falls. "This European Union thing was really smart," said E.U. official Francois Arczek. "Like John Kerry windsurfing or Michael Dukakis driving a tank."

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Saturday, September 24, 2011


Tiny Neutrinos May Have Broken Cosmic Speed Limit (12:25PM)

The physics world is abuzz with news that a group of European physicists plans to announce Friday that it has clocked a burst of subatomic particles known as neutrinos breaking the cosmic speed limit -- the speed of light -- that was set by Albert Einstein in 1905.
Pulled over by tiny positrons, given tiny tickets.

Update: This post picked up as a "popular law story from around the web" by the Wall Street Journal.

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Monday, August 1, 2011


Debt Ceiling Battle to be Followed by Showdown Over Ugly Debt Wallpaper, Drab Debt Carpeting (10:45AM)

Nation Weeps

A frightened nation held its breath today over final negotiations to replaster the debt ceiling even as GOP negotiators threatened even tougher stances on replacing the ugly debt wallpaper and debt carpeting.

"Mark my words, we will not be replacing the debt carpeting unless we get a balanced budget amendment and a lifetime supply of twinkies and beer for every member of the Republican Party," Speaker John Boehner told reporters today.

Democrats practically wept over Boehner's threat, saying they were already exhausted with the effort of caving in on the debt ceiling. "Some people may not understand, but capitulating to every demand of the Republican Party is very effortful," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Reid was going to say "taxing," but reconsidered under pressure from GOP leaders.

"I'm just happy they were able to come to an agreement over the ceiling," said April Pishter, a housewife from Debuque, Arkansas. She was untroubled by the terms of the agreement, so long as long as the ceiling remained intact. "It's just so important to have a roof, a ceiling, anything hanging over our heads."

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I started laughing from the begining captions. Does that mean the Republicans are jokers?

:: sunu September 19, 2011 1:04 PM


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