All Headlines

Millions of Illegal Voters Took Favorite Pen, Bag of Doritos from White House, Says Trump

Bears Not Going to School as Often as DeVos Thinks, Say Forest Animals

Trump Only Taking Samples for Prominent Research Urologist, Republicans Say

Trump Worried Events Casting Doubt on Legitimacy of Election Will Cast Doubt on Legitimacy of Election

Trump University and Electoral College Announce Merger

Trump to Put General Petraeus in Charge of Handling Classified Information

Trump Excited to Deduct 3 Trillion Dollar Debt from Next Year's Taxes

Analysts Now Conclude Horrible Debate Performance Just as Likely to Win Voters as Magnificent Debate Performance

Unfair to Judge Bannon by Prior Statements, Publications, and Positions, Say Republicans

House Intelligence Committee to Investigate Self for Issuing Positive Benghazi Report

Bush, Cheney, GOP Call Upon Obama To Invade Iraq Again

Republicans Proposing New "Some Men Left Behind" Rule

U.S. Military Apparently Run by Very Horny People, Says FBI

Legitimate Rapists Back Akin

Romney Calls New Jobs Report "Very Disappointing"; Wishes More Had Been Laid Off

The Iraq War -- An Opinions You Should Have Timeline

Perry Team Thrilled: Candidate Usually Unable to Name Even One Federal Agency

Greek Leader to Prop Up Economy with Very Large Stick

AT&T and T-Mobile to Create Nation's Largest Non-Functioning Cell Network

In Last Ditch Effort To Control House, Dems Pledge to Block Own Agenda

Montclair Spy Journal -- Eyes Only

Computers to Stop Investing in Humanity

KFC "Double Down" Sandwich to Signal New Austerity

Democrats To Actually Vote For Own Bill

Kanye West Interrupts Delicate Senate Finance Committee Negotiations, Scuttles Health Care Bill

Alternate Reality: Palin Resigns Presidency To Lead Country Better, Better Effect Change

Not Counting Losses, Citigroup Shows Record Profit

In Effort To Speed Confirmation Hearings, Democrats Repeal Tax Code

In Times of Trouble, Wall Street Prepared To Make Hard Bonuses

Bush's Secret Letter to Obama

Strict Constructionists Unable To Read, Chief Justice Roberts Reveals

Missouri To Keep Electoral Votes, Will Remain White

Presidential Daily Briefings

The 2008 OYSH Election Day Voting Guide

Dixville Notch Swings Election, Elects Obama

McCain To Suspend Campaign In Order to Rescue Campaign

Paulson Seen on Unidentified Tropical Island Surrounded by Girls, Drinks, Billions of Dollars

Palin Does Uncanny Tina Fey Impersonation At Veep Debate

Voodoo Economics To Be Replaced By Cocktail Party Napkin Economics

Bush To Put FEMA in Charge of Wall Street Rescue

Sarah Palin Thoroughly Vetted By Jamie Spears' Mom, McCain Campaign Says

Satire of Fear Scares Crap Out Of Everyone

How Hillary Can Win

Fossella To Spend More Time With One Of His Families

Bitter People Increasingly Bitterer, Study Shows

Entire Liberal Blogosphere Actually Just One Incredibly Prolific Man

People Furious That Clinton Sacked Penn, Penn's Polls Show

Lousy Future Sours Public's View of Future, Survey Finds

Stagflation Making Cost of Hookers Unacceptably High, Spitzer Says

Democratic Candidates Vow To Battle For Nomination Through 2009

Bush Calls McCain "True Conservative", Other Names

Romney To Spend More Time With His Money

Voters Favoring Men More Likely To Vote For Women, Polls Say

Iowa Caucus Organizers Admit They Just Make Results Up

Huckabee to Run Negative Ads Attacking Self For Running Negative Ads

Supoenaed Document Bonfire Caused Vice Presidential Chamber Flames

Democrats Responsible For Entire Disastrous Bush Administration Reign, Says Rove

Democrats Hand Over Own Balls To President At White House Ceremony

Rice Tells Turkey To Find Own Country To Occupy

To Deal With Iraqi Unrest, Bush Proposes Blackwater Surge

President Giuliani Responds To Fiscal Cris-- Excuse Me. Hello?

Opinions You Should Have Had: The Summer In Review

Bush To Need New Brain

Bush Instructs Miers Not To Tell Congress About His Non-Involvement In U.S. Attorney Scandal

Bush to Review Excessive Sentence Claims Of Million Other Felons

Cheney Entirely New Branch of Government, He Says

Lawyer: Rove Did Not Realize Deleting Emails Would Result In Their Deletion

Justice Aide To Invoke 5th, 6th And 7th Amendments To Avoid Testifying

Excerpts from the Missing Emails Concerning the U.S. Attorney Purge

Bush Pardons Fitzgerald

Fast Forward

Laura and Barbara Bush, Sr. Retake White House

Bush Unveils i-Iraq i-Policy i-Initiative

Mixup Causes James Brown To Be Sent To D.C. While Ford Is Sent To Apollo Theater

Frist Declares South Dakotan Senator Dead

Decider To Defer Decision on Decision Deferral

Sometimes You Have To Go To War With The Defense Secretary You Have, Not The Defense Secretary You Want

Prominent Male Hooker Forced To Step Down Amid Accusations Of Sex With Sleazy Evangelical Leader

Tenet Briefed Hastert on Page Scandal in 2001

Bush in Delicate Negotiations with Senators over Drafting of New Law He Will Completely Ignore

The Torturer's Thesaurus

Bush Vows To Keep Making Speeches Promising To Save New Orleans

Americans Beg Bush To Take Longer Vacation

Great Moments in Diplomatic History

To Maximize Revenues, GOP Will Eliminate Taxes Completely

Lay Shocked To Find He Can't Take It With HIm

White House Executes New York Times

U.S. Withholds Dues From World Cup Organization

"Look At Me, I Turned A Corner in Iraq," Says Bush

Congressmen Insist They Be Subjected To Warrantless Spying Just Like Everyone Else

Overtaxed National Guard To Use Illegal Immigrants To Guard Mexican Border

Ten Reasons I Will Make A Great White House Press Secretary

Democrats Used to Loss of Power in Capitol

In Major White House Shakeup, Bush To Replace Rove and Cheney With Rove And Cheney

Bush, Cheney Drop Huge Cake On Iraq, Crush Power Plant

Senate To Legalize Watergate Break-In

Dubai to Run United States

Cheney "Inadvertently" Caused Death of Man He Stabbed On Previous Hunting Trip, Says White House

White House Staff Hit Hard By Human-Animal Hybrid Ban

Democrats To Filibuster Selves

Assisted Suicide Ruling Lets Democrats Move Ahead With Plan For Self-Immolation

Exporting Democracy Department
Iraqi Election Held; First Step Toward American-Style Democracy Taken

Tom Ridge and Bernard Kerik Join Brown to Form Ultimate Disaster Firm

Iraqis Don't Torture Either, Says Bush

Chalabi Appointed Adjunct Professor of White House Ethics Course

Huge Hand From Sky Whacks Pat Robertson In Head

Democrats To Wait And See If Alito Is Confirmed Before Deciding Whether To Oppose Nomination

Rove Points At Judge Alito, Allowing Libby To Jump Bail And Escape To Remote Island Nation He Owns

Hitchcock Salutes Plame Prosecutor

Judith Miller To Take Job Actually Carrying Libby's Bags

Fawning Iraqi Soldier To Replace Miers As Supreme Court Pick

White House Seeking Limits On Interrogation of Members of White House

Bush Nominates Actual Blank Slate To Supreme Court

Mike Brown To Take Charge Of Congressional Investigation of FEMA

Existence Of Poor People A Surprise, Says Bush

Evil Liberals: Penguin Film Proves There Is No God

Bush To Investigate Self

Special Disaster Relief Edition
Bush Says Umbrella Working "Just Fine"

Robertson Meant "Wine and Dine," Not "Assassinate"

Iraq's First Constitutional Crisis Involves Possible Lack Of Constitution

Bush To Extend Vacation To Clear "Especially Pernicious" Brush

Bush To Determine Scientific Curriculum Of American Schools Based On His Own Experiments

Heat Wave Breaks As Congress Adjourns

Shuttle Astronauts To Be Subjected To Random Spot Searches

Chess for Dummies

Rove Entirely Dependent on Novak for Top-Secret Government Information, Says Super-Secret White House Source

White House Cannot Confirm Ever Having Met Karl Rove

Judge Changes Mind; Orders Miller To Do Time At Novak's Home

Bush To Invade Iraq Again

U.S. Army Will Not Be Pushed Into Sea, Reassures General


Guest Editor
Report Shows That Global Warming Exists Belief In Global Warming Just A Fad

Paul Revere A Despicable Tattletale, Says GOP

Syria To Send Suspects To U.S. For "Interrogation"

Senate Republicans to Reject Nuclear Option in Favor of Biowarfare

Bush To Retract War

Report Links Bolton To Mafia, Elder Abuse, Prostitution; Sure To be Confirmed, Sources Say

Bush Bicycle Rides Nation's Top Domestic Priority

Giving Knowledge To Children In Schools Highly Overrated, Say Kansans

Powerful Lobbyist Appointed To Serve on Ethics Panel Investigation of Tom Delay

Food Pyramid To Be Replaced By Food Pentagon

In Diplomatic Snafu, Bush Gives Social Security Speech To Throngs of Papal Devotees

Other 293 Million Americans Waiting For Congress To Pass Bills For Them

Karen Hughes Perfect Person To Heal U.S. Image on Arab Street, Say Arabs

Americans Fear Social Security Debate Will Not Last Much Longer

GOP To Make Law Giving Everyone's Money To The Rich

God Denies Scalia's Authority Derives From Him

Iraqi Government As Good On Human Rights As U.S. Government, State Department Finds

Bush Talk Of Spreading Democracy Causes Widespread Panic

Admitting Prostitutes To White House Part Of New Outreach Program, Officials Say

Makers Of Zoloft To Create New Pill Based On Bush's Outlook

Iraqi Election Held; First Step Toward American-Style Democracy Taken

Google To Start Indexing Brains

Support For Bush Social Security Plan Increases Among Dead People, Says Bush

Bush: Exporting Freedom Will Halve Trade Deficit

Republicans Excel At Self Parody

Inaugural Celebration To Take Up Four Years, 200 Billion Dollars

Bush Used Unique Military Weapon To Win Election

Dan Rather Only Television Media Flack Not Paid By Government, Reports Show

hand_lg.gifWashington Week In Revue

Tenet To Blame For 9/11 Failures, Says CIA Report; Should Be Held Accountable

New White House Budget Expected To Top Best Selling Fiction Charts

Bush Urges Americans To Give As Much As He Has

Fact That Iraq War Is Going Poorly Convincing Americans War Is Going Poorly, Complains Bush

Penny To Be Recalled

Pentagon Seeks To Broaden Scope Of Disinformation Program Beyond American Borders

Kerik Nanny Left Job To Spend More Time with Her Family

Iraq CIA Reports Contaminated By Exposure To Liberal Chatter, Says White House

Bush Calls For U.N. Chief's Resignation; Failed To Stop Iraq Invasion, He Complains

Iraqi Elections Worth Having If Only One Person Votes, Says Bush

Massive Debt Problem To be Solved By Incredibly Massive Borrowing, Says Bush

GOP Furious That Gay Cartoon Character Leads Thanksgiving Day Parade

Bush To Seek To Revive Intelligence Bill He Blocked

Liberal CIA Operatives To Be Designated Enemy Combatants

U.S. Negotiates Complete Start Of Hostilities Against City Of Fallujah

White House Claims Mandate By Whole Half Of Nation

Kerry Calls For Grounding Of Youth Of America

Abandonment of Mars Program Critical Error in Bush Campaign

Bush's Inability To Distance Self From Self A Problem, Republicans Worry

Bush To Counter 380 Tons Of Explosive With 500 Tons Of BS

God To Bush: Can You Hear Me Now?

New Bin Laden Tape Endorses Kerry, White House Says

Loofah Actually Quite Abrasive, Says O'Reilly Ex

Poll: Presidential Race Tied At Four Supreme Court Justices Apiece

Vaccine Shortage Solution To Social Security Problem, Says Thompson

Gallup Only Poll To Reflect Expected Voter Fraud

Double Ph.D. Thankful For Opportunity To Attend Community College

Undecided Voters Frustrated By Deadlines

One Undecided Voter Decides

Undecided Voter Gets Caught Up In Clint Eastwood Movie During Debate

Cartoon Network To Broadcast "George W. Bush: Big Ass Junkie" Documentary

Inside The Mind Of The President At Last Night's Debate

FEC Orders Kerry To Plug Pro-Bush Site In Next Debate

Kerry Tends To Speak "As Though He's Running For Office Or Something," Poll Finds

Mount St. Helens Scientists Predict 70% Chance Of Bush Eruption In Next Debate

"Spin Room" Tilts Off Axis, Wounding Twelve

Crawford Newspaper Endorses Kerry;
Bush Declares Crawford A "Shitty Little Town"

Al Queda Tapes Accidentally Erased From FBI's TiVo

Ashcroft Being Followed By A Moonshadow

GOP Putting Chads In Place In Anticipation Of Possible Recount

Bush Asks U.N. To Invade Iraq

Experts Say Latest Gallup Poll Written On 1972 IBM Selectric Typewriter

Florida Residents Join Together To Move State Away From Ivan

Fast Forward
Spam Not Responsible For Election of Viagra, Missouri Officials Say

Kerry Win Will Give Nation Painful, Itching Hemorrhoids, Says Cheney

Kerry To Try Clinton's Respirator

Delay, Santorum To Stage Counter-Convention

Guest Blogger
Cheney Rallies Delegates With Unique Campaign Slogan

Second Night Roundup

Bush Only Choice to Lose War On Terror, Says Giuliani

The View From The RNC - A Report

Bush to Appoint Olympic Judges To Oversee U.S. Election

Thurlow Denies Vietnam War Ever Took Place

Anarchists Say Bloomberg Discount Button Crucial Chink In City's Armor

Bush Says Kerry Soft On Weather

Mayor Bloomberg Resigns, Admitting He Is A Metrosexual

Doctors To Attempt Risky Surgical Separation Of Politicians

Illinois Alert Raised Due To Imminent Keyes Candidacy

Citicorp Employees Pissed; Could Have Stayed Home Past Four Years

Flip-Floppers Choose Kerry

Contest Winner
Zell Miller Demands Speaking Role At Dem Convention

Kerry Accidentally Accepts Nomination During Morning Rehearsal

Hope Delayed At Security Kiosk Outside Fleet Center

Immediately After Obama Speech, Kerry Develops Laryngitis

Hellmann's Mayonnaise To Back Kerry

Guam Delegates Threatening To Capture Plum Massachussetts' Floor Spot

First Words From The Convention Floor

Lay Unaware He Was CEO Of Enron, Say Lawyers

CDs And DVDs To Be Packaged In Permanently Sealed Packages To Stop Piracy

U.S. Election Held Yesterday "Just to Be Safe"

Sinking Bush Poll Numbers Increase Likelihood of Terrorist Attack, Says Ridge

Bush To Pass Broader Tort Reform Bill

Kerry Chooses Humphrey As Running Mate

"Fahrenheit 9/11" Not Even About Temperature, Say Republicans

Report Finds Bush Administration "Ill-Prepared" To Occupy White House

Jubilant Iraqis Await Handover Of Sovereignty

Senate Revises Voting Procedures

White House Afraid That Fact That White House Authorized Torture Causing Growing Perception That White House Authorized Torture

HMO's Sue Patients: "Make Ridiculous Demands For Health, Care," Say CEO's

Bush "Unnaturally Chummy" With Clinton At Portrait Unveiling, Says Hillary

Cheney Unable To Order Breakfast Without Mentioning Imaginary Al Qaeda-Iraq Link

Uncle Don Needs You

GOP To Rename Buildings, Monuments, Schools, President Bush After Reagan

Bush Says Umbrella Working "Just Fine"

Iraqi Governing Council Takes Bold New Step Of Renaming Itself

Cable Networks Planning To Add All-Chalabi Channel

Certain Higher Terror Threat To U.S., Says Washington; Threat Level Raised From Yellow To "Yellower"

New Iraqi Government To Be Chosen In Special Season of "Survivor," Says Prez

Soldier On Leave Takes Picture Of Bush Falling Off Bike

Chalabi Said To Have Posed Imminent Threat To U.S. Wallets, Pocketbooks

Unitarian Church Adopts Doctrine That Texans Are Idiots

Kerry Forced To Prop Up Face Until Next Botox Shot, Says GOP

Iraqi Council President's Assassination Not Huge Setback, Says Bush

Democrats Outraged By Outrage at Outrage

Harvard Business School To Honor Bush With New Degree

Higher Job Numbers Tied To Increase In Torturers Overseas Prison Guards

The Story Of Little George

Little Mermaid To Join Moore In Disney Protest

Clinton Responsible For Prisoner Abuse, Says Bush

Republican Guard To Be Placed In Charge Of Iraq Prisons, Fallujah

Bush Enjoyed "Nice Visit" With "Nice Men" From Commission

Siege Of Fallujah Voted Best Ceasefire Ever

Bush Would Have Kept Medals If He Had Earned Any, Says Hughes

Iraqi Caretaker Government To Be Replaced By "Janitorial Administocracy"

A Forceful Powell Stands Up To Bush In Recent Oval Office Talk

Bush To Return Iraq For Credit Or Refund

American Idol Viewers Vote President Off Show

Clinton's Perverse Adherence To Constitutional Norms Destroyed Effectiveness of FBI, Says Ashcroft

Scalia Seizes Tapes Of His Apology

President Was Ready To Protect Safety Of Some Part Of Nation, Rice Tells 9/11 Commission

Old But Gold
Bush To Declare War On Iraq

White House To Build $100 Billion Shield Against Richard Clarke

White House Order For Double-Shot No Foam Skim Latte Caused National Security Breach

In Nod To 9/11 Commission, American Courts To Start Recording Trial Testimony On Napkins

Democrats Seek to Show Rice's Lips Moving In Effort To Show That She Lied

God Asks To Have Name Removed From Pledge

Ridge To Ask For Creation Of Department of Homeland Security Security

A Letter To The 9/11 Commission From Condoleezza Rice

Bush's Road Map For MidEast Peace Outlined Today For First Time

Pakistani Forces Closing In On Elvis

Nation In Deeper Trouble Than Scalia Imagines

Misunderstanding Of "March Madness" Causes Turmoil, Unrest

Kerry "Foreign Leader" Statement To Be Defining Issue Of Campaign, Say Pundits

Gore To Ask For Supreme Court Vote Recount

Bush Joins Socialist Party

Seniors Should Be Given Expiration Dates To Pay For Tax Cuts, Says Greenspan

GOP Says Democratic "Shadow Government" Violates Laws Against Cloning

Rove Blameless; Only Savaged Plame And Wilson After Leak

Interim Constitution Still Signed

Shiites Pause For Dramatic Effect Before Signing Constitution

Report Finds Spying On Senate Democrats Detracted From Hunt For Al Qaeda

Bush Calls To Congratulate Self On GOP Nomination

Cheney Will Not Drop Self From Ballot, He Says

Bush To Allow 9/11 Commission To Ask Twenty Questions

Pentagon Report Warns Bush His Shoelaces Are Untied

Bush Makes Recess Appropriation, Approves Budget, Passes Energy Bill, Eliminates Taxes On Corporations, Declares Congress The "First Chapel of America"

Wardrobe Malfunction Delaying Iraq Elections, Says Bremer

Iraqi Shiites Want To Rename Sunni Triangle "Tiny Sunni Hexagon"

White House Budget Contains Gatefold, 12-page "Emperor's Clothes" Pictorial of Bush

Bush Seen In Close Contact With Jane Fonda Video

Intern Says Kerry And Matt Drudge Having Affair

White House Concerned Obsession With Lying About National Guard Could Distract Nation From Current Lies

Ex-American Airlines Pilot Hired To Fly Airforce One

Bush Says Saddam Could Have Shared Weapons With Evil Cartoon Villains

Plame Leak Accidentally Pops Out Of Dick Cheney's Office

Senate Offices Closed Due To Botox Scare

Lieberman To Enter Race For Republican Nomination

Frequently Asked Questions About Ricin

Bush, Blair Nominated For Irony Awards

Capture Of Bin Laden In Preproduction; Slated For October Release

GOP Attempting to Lure Unnamed Democrat Back Into Race

Democratic Dream Slate A Reality: Clark/Kerry/Edwards/Dean

Bush Nominated Best Actor; Karl Rove, Best Director; Donald Rumsfeld Named For Special Effects

Hey, Scalia, Thanks For All The Ducks. Stop Bagging My Quail.

Bush To Spend Half Billion Bucks On No-Job Training

Network And Cable Coverage Of State Of The Union More Balanced Than Ever

Judith Steinberg Dean Actually Judith Dean Martin

U.S. To Invade Mars

White House To Promote Marriage Of Neil Bush And Britney Spears

U.S. Revises Self-Rule Plan; Replaces Caucuses With Caucasians

Bush Claims He Is Not Puppet, Says Rove

Cabinet Meeting

Jeb Bush Launches Faith-based Postal Service

Bush To Put "Stop Order" On Swing Voters; May Not Vote For Democrat Until End Of Year

Regarding The Stewardship Of The American Empire

Ashcroft More Than Confident He Has Already Destroyed Plame Investigation, Steps Down

FBI Explains: Almanacs Key To Dillinger's Capture, Others

Mad Cow Actually Only "Mildly Neurotic," Says Bush

U.S. Upset That French Released Airline Passengers Without Probable Cause

A Visit To The Holiday Mailbag

Lenny Bruce Granted Posthumous Pardon; Kerry Campaign Almost Ready To Seek Same

Threat Level Raised To "Orange-er"

Democrats Declare Nader Enemy Combatant; Nader Abducted And Detained

Constant Medical Exams Of Saddam Turn Up Missing WMD

Model For Toppled Statue Found

France, Germany Crap On White House Carpet

Gore To Claim He Invented Dean, Says GOP

White House Tells Kerry To Shut The Fuck Up

Bush Aims High -- Will Send Man To Moon, May Even Stop Global Warming, Provide Homeland Security

In Reversal, Dean To Move Secret Papers to Bush Library

Liberal Bloggers Willing To Do Anything To Demonstrate Problems With DieBold Voting Machines

A Letter to General Abizaid From the Field

Cheney Makes Surprise Thanksgiving Visit To Undisclosed Location

Pardoned Turkey Suffering From Survivor Guilt

At The Congressional Hotel, Democrats Sleeping In

Senate Majority Leader Frist Reveals Prescription Bottle Permanently Grafted To Hand

Daschle To Filibuster Self

Bush Charts Clear Course For Future In Iraq, May Go Into Astrology

Jackson Willing to Do "Whatever It Takes" To Distract Country From Bush; Happily Surrenders Self For "Greater Good"

"Band Of Thugs" To Supplant Al Queda As Top Terrorist Group, Says Bush

British Tabloid Ditches Page 3 Girls, Moves To Hardcore Pornography

GOP Filibuster Causes Dangerous High Winds Throughout Northeast

Success! Some Members of 9/11 Panel May See White House Papers From Distance; Binoculars Allowed

Alternate Universe
Rumsfeld, Bush, Cheney Take Bremer to Task For Shooting, Gagging Iraqis

A Word From Our Sponsor

Nuclear Weapons Lab Keys Are Lost — Plus, Scientists Can't Remember Where They Parked It

Iran Up To Its Eyeballs In Terror, U.S. Advisor Up To His Ears In Brown Substance

Hussein Made Pre-War Offer to Sack Iraq, Kill Two Sons, And Go Into Hiding

U.S. Soldiers Set To Sue Manufacturers of Shoulder-Launched Missiles

Mel Gibson to Purchase Reagan Miniseries; Reagan Worshippers Promise to Boycott Flick

Steve Forbes To Petition For Iraqi Citizenship; Flat Tax Exerts Inescapable Pull

Stupid Senseless Deaths Inevitable Part of Stupid, Senseless War, Says Rumsfeld

Historic GDP Hike Due to Use Of Ronco Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer, Says Ronco

Donald Luskin Threatens Self With Legal Action

Bush Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Cable News Networks Concerned that Bryant Trial Will Only Generate Four Hundred Hours of Programming

Bush Upbeat On Terrorist Attacks; Al Qaeda Surprisingly Positive As Well

Wolfowitz: Service in Baghdad Hotel "Much Better Than You'd Think"

Letters to the Editor

Everything Awful, Rumsfeld Says; World A Complete And Utter Mess

U.S. An Utter Utopia As Of Yesterday, Everything Perfect

President's Dog Barney To Be Stuffed And Sold In Malaysia; Move Meant To Publicize Historic Improvement In Endangered Animals Act

American Troops To Be Replaced By Gumby, Judge Dredd, Others

Cubs Fan Bartman To Be Deployed As Missile Defense Shield

Killing Moslems Makes Them Angry And Possibly Even Violent, Says Report

Congress To Pass Law Allowing Corporations To Hold Public Office; Coca-Cola To Run For President

Plame Leak Was First Step In War On Nepotism

Bush Mounts P.R. Offensive To Convince Public Venture Probably Doesn't Suck Big Time

White House To Reverse Policy Permitting North Korean Nuking of California

Rice Moves Quickly To Rebuild Iraq; Will Spend Week Looking At Color Swatches, Comfy Sofas

Bush Names Self Poet Laureate of United States; Won't Give Up Day Job

History Of Rampant Sexual Abuse No Longer Impediment To Holding Elective Office; Gary Hart And Others Laugh, Cry

GOP To Counter Leak Allegations With Whoopee Cushions, Red Pepper Gum, Other Hilarious Gags

White House Leak Story Has No Legs, But Plenty Of Boobs

Ashcroft: Investigation Of CIA Outing Concluded Months Ago

Invisible WMD's Everywhere, Says Draft Report

Al Jazeera Happy Not To Have To Cover Disaster Anymore; Planning To Run Episodes of I Love Lucy Instead

Bush Administration To Star In Remake Of Oliver; Orphan Pickpockets Object

Clark "Green Army Men" To Tangle With Dean's "Birkenstock Brigade"; Sharks And Jets Pushed Off Home Turf

Hurricane Isabel Scatters Miss America Contestants Over Northeast

GOP On Petition Drive To Recall Clark Announcement

Al Qaeda Spokesman Says Spokeswoman Slot Still Open

Bush Thanks Troops For Getting Rid Of All The Tigers

Bush To Hunt Down "Servants of Evil"; Good Servants Hard To Find

Mysterious Campaign Donations From "Al Kayder" and "Ben Lahden" May Have Influenced Decision To Invade Iraq

Coffee Stain On Road Map Mistakenly Led Middle East Leaders Over Edge Of Cliff

Judge Not Permitted To Know He Serves On Secret U.S. Court

Rove Shocked That Only 70% of Americans Wrongly Believe Hussein Caused 9/11

Department of Homeland Security Moving To Iraq; Misunderstands Dictum Of "Follow The Money"

Update on Presidential Address

Bush Unaware That Big Speech To European Allies Will Be Broadcast Only To Americans

Watch out! Democratic Candidates' Debate Causes Homeland Security Alert

New Jersey Man Regrets Villifying French; Wants To Kiss Wife "That Way" Again, Other Things

Powell and Kofi Annan Back Together; "We Couldn't Hide Our Forbidden Love," Says Couple

Bush Reassures Nation, Creates One Job

Majority of Americans Now Believe U.S. Has "Lost Its Grip" In Iraq; Confuse "Grip" With "Grope"

A Day At Camp Wachmeebeeyaliberal

Court Orders Woman In Wheelchair Removed From Ten Commandments Monument

Really Big Malls Seen As Key To Transforming Iraq; Bremer To Be Replaced By Large Indoor Ferris Wheel

Bush To Declare War On Iraq

The Day Starbucks Went Dark
a noir memoir

Bush Reinforces Message to Americans: "I'm Keeping You In The Dark So You're Utterly Powerless"

Running on Empty: Bush Shares Sweat With Soldiers

Long Weekend: Opinions You Should Have Went to A Fair and Balanced

Queer Eye For The Arab Guy

100 Days After End Of War, Everything "Hunky-Dory," Says Bush

Gray Davis To Start Acting Career; Will Star In Terminator IV

Powell Will Not Serve if Bush Is Reelected; Perfectly Happy To Stay On Otherwise

Scientists Calculate Bush Has Spent No Time Actually Governing As President; May Not Be Able To Run For Second Term Until 2008

Terrorist Futures Market Scrapped By Wimpy White House; OpYoShHa Opens Trading Market Anyway

Centrist Democrats Suggest Dem Candidate Wear Rubber Clinton Mask

Wolfowitz Fan Of "Murky" Intelligence

Homeland Security Department Almost Ready To Provide Security

White House Institution To Be Renamed: National Insecurity Council

53 Days After End of War, Bush Proclaims End of Hussein Regime; Saddam Hussein Rumored to Secretly Attend Announcement

Democrat's Ad Calling Bush Misleading Misleading, Says GOP; Populace Confused By Endlessly Recursive Allegations

Bremer A Beacon Of Astonishing Revelations; Says Sky Is Blue, Other Shockers

Professor Claims Bush Reading Skills Okay; Nation Is Relieved

New Email Form At WhiteHouse.Gov Permits Only Fan Mail

Economists Announce Recession Was Over in 2001; Record Numbers Of Unemployed Celebrate

White House Financing Government Operations With Credit Card Cash Advances

Orwell's Estate To Sue Bush Administration For Copyright Infringement

Karen Hughes To Head New U.S. Ministry of Truth

Opinions You Should Have Responsible For White House Misstatements

Fleischer Taunts Reporters With Verbal Prestidigitation; Tries to Make Issue Disappear

Majority of Americans Believe Bush "Stretched The Truth"

Bush Defends Blair Against Claim That British "Sexed Up" Intelligence Dossier

White House Decides War Safer than Peace

An Open Letter To President Bush From An Employee

Republicans Make Early Gains In Securing Naked Florida Vote; Placing Nudism On GOP Platform

Bush's Talks With God Involve TV, Baseball

Hispanics Officially Named Largest U.S. Minority; Hate Groups Scrambling To Redirect Hate

Wife Wants Husband To Perform Constitutionally Sanctioned Act

Bush Administration Wondering If Fed Can Cut Rate to Negative 1 Percent

90% of Americans Who Said They Didn't Care About Lying Were Lying, New Study Says

New Test For Supreme Court Nominees Involves Membership In All-White Country Club

FBI Arrests Karl Rove On Anonymous Tip By Ashcroft; Guidelines For Use of Tips Subsequently Narrowed

Rumsfeld Points Out D.C. Crime Worse Than Baghdad's; D.C. Residents Pack Immediately

Rumsfeld Unveils Invisible Can of "Whoop Ass" To Take Care of "Crime Problem" In Iraq

Following Ancient Diplomatic Tradition, Sharon Will "Hound" Hamas Into Sanctioning Peace Treaty

Democrats Divided Over How To Sink Party

White House Chides Israel For Attempted Murder Of Hamas Leader

Claimed Iraqi Bioweapons Trailers Revealed To be Winnebagos

Rice, Powell: Nothing Wrong With Intelligence; It Was Decision-Making That Sucked

Unemployment Rate Skyrockets To 6.1%; Bush Team Calls It "Great Opportunity for Economic Growth"

Bush Performs Faith Healings For Troops; Says "You Are Hee-yalled! Yay-ah!"

Bush Promises To "Ride Herd" Over Peace Meetings; Mideast Interpreters Mistakenly Fired

Constant U.S. Rain, Winds Result of Putin Weather Control Machine

Martha Stewart's Real Crimes

"Opinions You Should Have" Bought By Rupert Murdoch; Will Now Be Called "Opinions You Will Have"

Tony Blair, President Bush, Find WMD, Forget Where They Put Them

"Waldorf Transcripts" Show Straw, Powell, Had Excellent Appetites, Knew How To Pick Wine

Karl Rove Has Orgasm At Tax-Cut Signing Ceremony

Bush Fund Raising Letter Asks For Cash, Offers Prizes

Homeland Security Department Replaces Vigiliance With Inquisition; Ridge Unveils "Clever New Tool For Rooting Out Terrorism"

Public Service Retirees Discovered to Have Been Spending "More Time" With Wrong Familes

Terrorists Raise Threat Level To Orange Because Of Increase In Cable News Network Chatter

War Constant Obstacle to Peace in Mideast

Bush Committed to "Road Map" For Mideast Peace, Despite Problems "Backing Out of The Driveway"

Ari Fleischer to Resign This Summer; Has "Really Big Steak" To Grill

U.S. Forces Stop Shooting Iraqis; Offer Them $40 Instead

Dog to President Bush: Walk This

In Parallel Universe, Professor Richard Cheney Horrified To Discover Other-Dimensional Self To Be Friendly With Rumsfeld

Iraq Reloaded

Jay Garner Demoted to Shoulder Rest For Reporters At Press Conferences

Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax Captured; Colonel Mustard Still At Large

Mideast Road Map Hard To Read, Impossible to Fold

Enterprising GOP Senators Raise Taxes So They Can Cut Them; Will Also Restore Frederick Douglass House Then Tear It Down

Are We Not Men? We Are Devo: Scientists Discover New Subspecies of Man

Sitting Democrat Discovered To Have Orbs of Alloyed Copper and Zinc; Rest of Party Flees in Fear

Excerpts from William Bennett's "Children's Book of Virtues"

Poll Conclusively Shows That Bush's Drive to Deprive Americans of Health Care, Education, and Clean Air Paying Off

Iraqis Protest Shooting of Iraqis by U.S. Soldiers; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them

Iraqis Celebrate; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them

Bush Signs Pact With Terrorist Group; White House Analysts Conclude That U.S. Must Invade Self

Bush Insists Tax Cuts Will Cure SARS

WHO Convenes Emergency Meeting of Hollywood Screenwriters to Combat SARS

North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il Discovered Just to Be Doing Bad Dr. Evil Impression

Indiana Husband Claims Wife Has WMD, Wants Regime Change and $100 Billion For Rebuilding

First Free Election in Baghdad Results in Election of George W. Bush; Angry Iraqis Claim They "Intended to Vote For Pat Buchanan"

Lance Bass Offers To Strap Himself Into Warhead of U.S. Missile

Scientific Testing Proves Careers of Jackson Browne and Darryl Hannah Destroyed By Breakup

Task of Rebuilding Iraq Begins: Florida Election Booths to be Installed in Baghdad Tomorrow

Bush Declares War Goal Met; Hussein's Weapons of Mass Destruction Gone

Bush Plan To Invade Iraq, Syria, Iran, and North Korea "Totally Different" Than Neocon Plan to Invade Iraq, Syria, Iran, and North Korea

Suspected Chemical Weapons Actually Mammoth Collection of Pocket Lint

Deck of Cards Mixup Leads to Accidental Killing of King of Hearts

Headlines In Briefs

Marines Encounter More Than Just Pockets of Resistance in Baghdad, Try to Fend Off Complete Pants

U.S. Marines Discover Hidden Trove of Extra Hussein Sons

Kerry Remark About Need for U.S. Regime Change Inflames and Baffles GOP

Bush Faced Terrific Quandry in White House NCAA Pool

Saddam Talks About the NCAA's

Buildings, Schmildings

Rumsfeld Confuses Situation Room With TIVO, Attempts to "Pause" and "Rewind" War

War Paused, Posting Light

Commanders Misplace 4th Infantry Division; "I Thought You Had Them," Says General

Bush Cautions That War He Promised Would Be Over in Days Might Actually Take Weeks

Precision Bombs Hit Turkey Exactly Where We Wanted Them To

First Time Shock and Awe Used in Military Attack

Bush Declares:

The Bush Plan For Taking Iraq

Interpreters Mistakenly Fired For Translating Actual Words of Bush Speech

Recent Poll Shows More Americans Oppose War Than Support It

Your Horoscope For Today

Bush makes Last Ditch Attempt to Avoid Diplomatic Solution

White House Flunks Remedial Math -- Will Be Forced To Take Summer Course

A Truly International Body

Bored Congressmen Look For Ways to Justify Existence

Several Cows on New Hampshire Farm Still Wondering If U.S. Will Invade

Powell Shocked to Learn Security Council Resolution Subject to Veto

Florida State Debate Team Moving "Will We Go to War With ?" Debate Up in Schedule

Several Cows on New Hampshire Farm Still Wondering If U.S. Will Invade

President Bush Calls For U.N. Vote He Vows to Ignore

Powell Accuses Hussein of Trying to Divide Security Council

Ridge Lowers Snack Food Threat Warning to Sour Cream and Onion

Middle East Democracy Deals Blow to Plan to Install Other Middle East Democracy

Bush Insists Hussein Must Disarm, Cede Power, and "Do the Chicken Dance"

Bush Destroys American Advances of Past 60 Years, Embraces Colonialism: From Bully Pulpit to Bullying Pulpit

Bush Use of U.N. Makes Head Spin Like Exorcist Chick

A Very Special Sneak Peak at the Upcoming Saddam Hussein/ George W. Bush Debate

Ridge Raises Snack Food Threat Warning to Mesquite Barbeque Flavor

Bush Scorns Formulation of Policy Based on Americans' Opinions

Our Homeland Security Department at Work

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