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Millions of Illegal Voters Took Favorite Pen, Bag of Doritos from White House, Says Trump Bears Not Going to School as Often as DeVos Thinks, Say Forest Animals Trump Only Taking Samples for Prominent Research Urologist, Republicans Say Trump Worried Events Casting Doubt on Legitimacy of Election Will Cast Doubt on Legitimacy of Election Trump University and Electoral College Announce Merger Trump to Put General Petraeus in Charge of Handling Classified Information Trump Excited to Deduct 3 Trillion Dollar Debt from Next Year's Taxes Analysts Now Conclude Horrible Debate Performance Just as Likely to Win Voters as Magnificent Debate Performance Unfair to Judge Bannon by Prior Statements, Publications, and Positions, Say Republicans House Intelligence Committee to Investigate Self for Issuing Positive Benghazi Report Bush, Cheney, GOP Call Upon Obama To Invade Iraq Again Republicans Proposing New "Some Men Left Behind" Rule U.S. Military Apparently Run by Very Horny People, Says FBI Legitimate Rapists Back Akin Romney Calls New Jobs Report "Very Disappointing"; Wishes More Had Been Laid Off The Iraq War -- An Opinions You Should Have Timeline Perry Team Thrilled: Candidate Usually Unable to Name Even One Federal Agency Greek Leader to Prop Up Economy with Very Large Stick AT&T and T-Mobile to Create Nation's Largest Non-Functioning Cell Network In Last Ditch Effort To Control House, Dems Pledge to Block Own Agenda Montclair Spy Journal -- Eyes Only Computers to Stop Investing in Humanity KFC "Double Down" Sandwich to Signal New Austerity Democrats To Actually Vote For Own Bill Kanye West Interrupts Delicate Senate Finance Committee Negotiations, Scuttles Health Care Bill Alternate Reality: Palin Resigns Presidency To Lead Country Better, Better Effect Change Not Counting Losses, Citigroup Shows Record Profit In Effort To Speed Confirmation Hearings, Democrats Repeal Tax Code In Times of Trouble, Wall Street Prepared To Make Hard Bonuses Bush's Secret Letter to Obama Strict Constructionists Unable To Read, Chief Justice Roberts Reveals Missouri To Keep Electoral Votes, Will Remain White Presidential Daily Briefings The 2008 OYSH Election Day Voting Guide Dixville Notch Swings Election, Elects Obama McCain To Suspend Campaign In Order to Rescue Campaign Paulson Seen on Unidentified Tropical Island Surrounded by Girls, Drinks, Billions of Dollars Palin Does Uncanny Tina Fey Impersonation At Veep Debate Voodoo Economics To Be Replaced By Cocktail Party Napkin Economics Bush To Put FEMA in Charge of Wall Street Rescue Sarah Palin Thoroughly Vetted By Jamie Spears' Mom, McCain Campaign Says Satire of Fear Scares Crap Out Of Everyone How Hillary Can Win Fossella To Spend More Time With One Of His Families Bitter People Increasingly Bitterer, Study Shows Entire Liberal Blogosphere Actually Just One Incredibly Prolific Man People Furious That Clinton Sacked Penn, Penn's Polls Show Lousy Future Sours Public's View of Future, Survey Finds Stagflation Making Cost of Hookers Unacceptably High, Spitzer Says Democratic Candidates Vow To Battle For Nomination Through 2009 Bush Calls McCain "True Conservative", Other Names Romney To Spend More Time With His Money Voters Favoring Men More Likely To Vote For Women, Polls Say Iowa Caucus Organizers Admit They Just Make Results Up Huckabee to Run Negative Ads Attacking Self For Running Negative Ads Supoenaed Document Bonfire Caused Vice Presidential Chamber Flames Democrats Responsible For Entire Disastrous Bush Administration Reign, Says Rove Democrats Hand Over Own Balls To President At White House Ceremony Rice Tells Turkey To Find Own Country To Occupy To Deal With Iraqi Unrest, Bush Proposes Blackwater Surge President Giuliani Responds To Fiscal Cris-- Excuse Me. Hello? Opinions You Should Have Had: The Summer In Review Bush To Need New Brain Bush Instructs Miers Not To Tell Congress About His Non-Involvement In U.S. Attorney Scandal Bush to Review Excessive Sentence Claims Of Million Other Felons Cheney Entirely New Branch of Government, He Says Lawyer: Rove Did Not Realize Deleting Emails Would Result In Their Deletion Justice Aide To Invoke 5th, 6th And 7th Amendments To Avoid Testifying Excerpts from the Missing Emails Concerning the U.S. Attorney Purge Bush Pardons Fitzgerald Fast Forward Laura and Barbara Bush, Sr. Retake White House Bush Unveils i-Iraq i-Policy i-Initiative Mixup Causes James Brown To Be Sent To D.C. While Ford Is Sent To Apollo Theater Frist Declares South Dakotan Senator Dead Decider To Defer Decision on Decision Deferral Sometimes You Have To Go To War With The Defense Secretary You Have, Not The Defense Secretary You Want Prominent Male Hooker Forced To Step Down Amid Accusations Of Sex With Sleazy Evangelical Leader Tenet Briefed Hastert on Page Scandal in 2001 Bush in Delicate Negotiations with Senators over Drafting of New Law He Will Completely Ignore The Torturer's Thesaurus Bush Vows To Keep Making Speeches Promising To Save New Orleans Americans Beg Bush To Take Longer Vacation Great Moments in Diplomatic History To Maximize Revenues, GOP Will Eliminate Taxes Completely Lay Shocked To Find He Can't Take It With HIm White House Executes New York Times U.S. Withholds Dues From World Cup Organization "Look At Me, I Turned A Corner in Iraq," Says Bush Congressmen Insist They Be Subjected To Warrantless Spying Just Like Everyone Else Overtaxed National Guard To Use Illegal Immigrants To Guard Mexican Border Ten Reasons I Will Make A Great White House Press Secretary Democrats Used to Loss of Power in Capitol In Major White House Shakeup, Bush To Replace Rove and Cheney With Rove And Cheney Bush, Cheney Drop Huge Cake On Iraq, Crush Power Plant Senate To Legalize Watergate Break-In Dubai to Run United States Cheney "Inadvertently" Caused Death of Man He Stabbed On Previous Hunting Trip, Says White House White House Staff Hit Hard By Human-Animal Hybrid Ban Democrats To Filibuster Selves Assisted Suicide Ruling Lets Democrats Move Ahead With Plan For Self-Immolation Exporting Democracy Department Iraqi Election Held; First Step Toward American-Style Democracy Taken Tom Ridge and Bernard Kerik Join Brown to Form Ultimate Disaster Firm Iraqis Don't Torture Either, Says Bush Chalabi Appointed Adjunct Professor of White House Ethics Course Huge Hand From Sky Whacks Pat Robertson In Head Democrats To Wait And See If Alito Is Confirmed Before Deciding Whether To Oppose Nomination Rove Points At Judge Alito, Allowing Libby To Jump Bail And Escape To Remote Island Nation He Owns Hitchcock Salutes Plame Prosecutor Judith Miller To Take Job Actually Carrying Libby's Bags Fawning Iraqi Soldier To Replace Miers As Supreme Court Pick White House Seeking Limits On Interrogation of Members of White House Bush Nominates Actual Blank Slate To Supreme Court Mike Brown To Take Charge Of Congressional Investigation of FEMA Existence Of Poor People A Surprise, Says Bush Evil Liberals: Penguin Film Proves There Is No God Bush To Investigate Self Special Disaster Relief Edition Bush Says Umbrella Working "Just Fine" Robertson Meant "Wine and Dine," Not "Assassinate" Iraq's First Constitutional Crisis Involves Possible Lack Of Constitution Bush To Extend Vacation To Clear "Especially Pernicious" Brush Bush To Determine Scientific Curriculum Of American Schools Based On His Own Experiments Heat Wave Breaks As Congress Adjourns Shuttle Astronauts To Be Subjected To Random Spot Searches Chess for Dummies Rove Entirely Dependent on Novak for Top-Secret Government Information, Says Super-Secret White House Source White House Cannot Confirm Ever Having Met Karl Rove Judge Changes Mind; Orders Miller To Do Time At Novak's Home Bush To Invade Iraq Again U.S. Army Will Not Be Pushed Into Sea, Reassures General ASK DOCTOR FRIST Guest Editor Report Shows That Paul Revere A Despicable Tattletale, Says GOP Syria To Send Suspects To U.S. For "Interrogation" Senate Republicans to Reject Nuclear Option in Favor of Biowarfare Bush To Retract War Report Links Bolton To Mafia, Elder Abuse, Prostitution; Sure To be Confirmed, Sources Say Bush Bicycle Rides Nation's Top Domestic Priority Giving Knowledge To Children In Schools Highly Overrated, Say Kansans Powerful Lobbyist Appointed To Serve on Ethics Panel Investigation of Tom Delay Food Pyramid To Be Replaced By Food Pentagon In Diplomatic Snafu, Bush Gives Social Security Speech To Throngs of Papal Devotees Other 293 Million Americans Waiting For Congress To Pass Bills For Them Karen Hughes Perfect Person To Heal U.S. Image on Arab Street, Say Arabs Americans Fear Social Security Debate Will Not Last Much Longer GOP To Make Law Giving Everyone's Money To The Rich God Denies Scalia's Authority Derives From Him Iraqi Government As Good On Human Rights As U.S. Government, State Department Finds Bush Talk Of Spreading Democracy Causes Widespread Panic Admitting Prostitutes To White House Part Of New Outreach Program, Officials Say Makers Of Zoloft To Create New Pill Based On Bush's Outlook Iraqi Election Held; First Step Toward American-Style Democracy Taken Google To Start Indexing Brains Support For Bush Social Security Plan Increases Among Dead People, Says Bush Bush: Exporting Freedom Will Halve Trade Deficit Republicans Excel At Self Parody Inaugural Celebration To Take Up Four Years, 200 Billion Dollars Bush Used Unique Military Weapon To Win Election Dan Rather Only Television Media Flack Not Paid By Government, Reports Show  Washington Week In RevueTenet To Blame For 9/11 Failures, Says CIA Report; Should Be Held Accountable New White House Budget Expected To Top Best Selling Fiction Charts Bush Urges Americans To Give As Much As He Has Fact That Iraq War Is Going Poorly Convincing Americans War Is Going Poorly, Complains Bush Penny To Be Recalled Pentagon Seeks To Broaden Scope Of Disinformation Program Beyond American Borders Kerik Nanny Left Job To Spend More Time with Her Family Iraq CIA Reports Contaminated By Exposure To Liberal Chatter, Says White House Bush Calls For U.N. Chief's Resignation; Failed To Stop Iraq Invasion, He Complains Iraqi Elections Worth Having If Only One Person Votes, Says Bush Massive Debt Problem To be Solved By Incredibly Massive Borrowing, Says Bush GOP Furious That Gay Cartoon Character Leads Thanksgiving Day Parade Bush To Seek To Revive Intelligence Bill He Blocked Liberal CIA Operatives To Be Designated Enemy Combatants U.S. Negotiates Complete Start Of Hostilities Against City Of Fallujah White House Claims Mandate By Whole Half Of Nation Kerry Calls For Grounding Of Youth Of America Abandonment of Mars Program Critical Error in Bush Campaign Bush's Inability To Distance Self From Self A Problem, Republicans Worry Bush To Counter 380 Tons Of Explosive With 500 Tons Of BS God To Bush: Can You Hear Me Now? New Bin Laden Tape Endorses Kerry, White House Says Loofah Actually Quite Abrasive, Says O'Reilly Ex Poll: Presidential Race Tied At Four Supreme Court Justices Apiece Vaccine Shortage Solution To Social Security Problem, Says Thompson Gallup Only Poll To Reflect Expected Voter Fraud Double Ph.D. Thankful For Opportunity To Attend Community College Undecided Voters Frustrated By Deadlines One Undecided Voter Decides Undecided Voter Gets Caught Up In Clint Eastwood Movie During Debate Cartoon Network To Broadcast "George W. Bush: Big Ass Junkie" Documentary Inside The Mind Of The President At Last Night's Debate FEC Orders Kerry To Plug Pro-Bush Site In Next Debate Kerry Tends To Speak "As Though He's Running For Office Or Something," Poll Finds Mount St. Helens Scientists Predict 70% Chance Of Bush Eruption In Next Debate "Spin Room" Tilts Off Axis, Wounding Twelve Crawford Newspaper Endorses Kerry; Bush Declares Crawford A "Shitty Little Town" Al Queda Tapes Accidentally Erased From FBI's TiVo Ashcroft Being Followed By A Moonshadow GOP Putting Chads In Place In Anticipation Of Possible Recount Bush Asks U.N. To Invade Iraq Experts Say Latest Gallup Poll Written On 1972 IBM Selectric Typewriter Florida Residents Join Together To Move State Away From Ivan Fast Forward Spam Not Responsible For Election of Viagra, Missouri Officials Say Kerry Win Will Give Nation Painful, Itching Hemorrhoids, Says Cheney Kerry To Try Clinton's Respirator Delay, Santorum To Stage Counter-Convention Guest Blogger Cheney Rallies Delegates With Unique Campaign Slogan Second Night Roundup Bush Only Choice to Lose War On Terror, Says Giuliani The View From The RNC - A Report Bush to Appoint Olympic Judges To Oversee U.S. Election Thurlow Denies Vietnam War Ever Took Place Anarchists Say Bloomberg Discount Button Crucial Chink In City's Armor Bush Says Kerry Soft On Weather Mayor Bloomberg Resigns, Admitting He Is A Metrosexual Doctors To Attempt Risky Surgical Separation Of Politicians Illinois Alert Raised Due To Imminent Keyes Candidacy Citicorp Employees Pissed; Could Have Stayed Home Past Four Years Flip-Floppers Choose Kerry Contest Winner Zell Miller Demands Speaking Role At Dem Convention Kerry Accidentally Accepts Nomination During Morning Rehearsal Hope Delayed At Security Kiosk Outside Fleet Center Immediately After Obama Speech, Kerry Develops Laryngitis Hellmann's Mayonnaise To Back Kerry Guam Delegates Threatening To Capture Plum Massachussetts' Floor Spot First Words From The Convention Floor Lay Unaware He Was CEO Of Enron, Say Lawyers CDs And DVDs To Be Packaged In Permanently Sealed Packages To Stop Piracy U.S. Election Held Yesterday "Just to Be Safe" Sinking Bush Poll Numbers Increase Likelihood of Terrorist Attack, Says Ridge Bush To Pass Broader Tort Reform Bill Kerry Chooses Humphrey As Running Mate "Fahrenheit 9/11" Not Even About Temperature, Say Republicans Report Finds Bush Administration "Ill-Prepared" To Occupy White House Jubilant Iraqis Await Handover Of Sovereignty Senate Revises Voting Procedures White House Afraid That Fact That White House Authorized Torture Causing Growing Perception That White House Authorized Torture HMO's Sue Patients: "Make Ridiculous Demands For Health, Care," Say CEO's Bush "Unnaturally Chummy" With Clinton At Portrait Unveiling, Says Hillary Cheney Unable To Order Breakfast Without Mentioning Imaginary Al Qaeda-Iraq Link Uncle Don Needs You GOP To Rename Buildings, Monuments, Schools, President Bush After Reagan Bush Says Umbrella Working "Just Fine" Iraqi Governing Council Takes Bold New Step Of Renaming Itself Cable Networks Planning To Add All-Chalabi Channel Certain Higher Terror Threat To U.S., Says Washington; Threat Level Raised From Yellow To "Yellower" New Iraqi Government To Be Chosen In Special Season of "Survivor," Says Prez Soldier On Leave Takes Picture Of Bush Falling Off Bike Chalabi Said To Have Posed Imminent Threat To U.S. Wallets, Pocketbooks Unitarian Church Adopts Doctrine That Texans Are Idiots Kerry Forced To Prop Up Face Until Next Botox Shot, Says GOP Iraqi Council President's Assassination Not Huge Setback, Says Bush Democrats Outraged By Outrage at Outrage Harvard Business School To Honor Bush With New Degree Higher Job Numbers Tied To Increase In The Story Of Little George Little Mermaid To Join Moore In Disney Protest Clinton Responsible For Prisoner Abuse, Says Bush Republican Guard To Be Placed In Charge Of Iraq Prisons, Fallujah Bush Enjoyed "Nice Visit" With "Nice Men" From Commission Siege Of Fallujah Voted Best Ceasefire Ever Bush Would Have Kept Medals If He Had Earned Any, Says Hughes Iraqi Caretaker Government To Be Replaced By "Janitorial Administocracy" A Forceful Powell Stands Up To Bush In Recent Oval Office Talk Bush To Return Iraq For Credit Or Refund American Idol Viewers Vote President Off Show Clinton's Perverse Adherence To Constitutional Norms Destroyed Effectiveness of FBI, Says Ashcroft Scalia Seizes Tapes Of His Apology President Was Ready To Protect Safety Of Some Part Of Nation, Rice Tells 9/11 Commission Old But Gold Bush To Declare War On Iraq White House To Build $100 Billion Shield Against Richard Clarke White House Order For Double-Shot No Foam Skim Latte Caused National Security Breach In Nod To 9/11 Commission, American Courts To Start Recording Trial Testimony On Napkins Democrats Seek to Show Rice's Lips Moving In Effort To Show That She Lied God Asks To Have Name Removed From Pledge Ridge To Ask For Creation Of Department of Homeland Security Security A Letter To The 9/11 Commission From Condoleezza Rice Pakistani Forces Closing In On Elvis Nation In Deeper Trouble Than Scalia Imagines Misunderstanding Of "March Madness" Causes Turmoil, Unrest Kerry "Foreign Leader" Statement To Be Defining Issue Of Campaign, Say Pundits Gore To Ask For Supreme Court Vote Recount Bush Joins Socialist Party Seniors Should Be Given Expiration Dates To Pay For Tax Cuts, Says Greenspan GOP Says Democratic "Shadow Government" Violates Laws Against Cloning Rove Blameless; Only Savaged Plame And Wilson After Leak Interim Constitution Still Signed Shiites Pause For Dramatic Effect Before Signing Constitution Report Finds Spying On Senate Democrats Detracted From Hunt For Al Qaeda Bush Calls To Congratulate Self On GOP Nomination Cheney Will Not Drop Self From Ballot, He Says Bush To Allow 9/11 Commission To Ask Twenty Questions Pentagon Report Warns Bush His Shoelaces Are Untied Bush Makes Recess Appropriation, Approves Budget, Passes Energy Bill, Eliminates Taxes On Corporations, Declares Congress The "First Chapel of America" Wardrobe Malfunction Delaying Iraq Elections, Says Bremer Iraqi Shiites Want To Rename Sunni Triangle "Tiny Sunni Hexagon" White House Budget Contains Gatefold, 12-page "Emperor's Clothes" Pictorial of Bush Bush Seen In Close Contact With Jane Fonda Video Intern Says Kerry And Matt Drudge Having Affair White House Concerned Obsession With Lying About National Guard Could Distract Nation From Current Lies Ex-American Airlines Pilot Hired To Fly Airforce One Bush Says Saddam Could Have Shared Weapons With Evil Cartoon Villains Plame Leak Accidentally Pops Out Of Dick Cheney's Office Senate Offices Closed Due To Botox Scare Lieberman To Enter Race For Republican Nomination Frequently Asked Questions About Ricin Bush, Blair Nominated For Irony Awards Capture Of Bin Laden In Preproduction; Slated For October Release GOP Attempting to Lure Unnamed Democrat Back Into Race Democratic Dream Slate A Reality: Clark/Kerry/Edwards/Dean Bush Nominated Best Actor; Karl Rove, Best Director; Donald Rumsfeld Named For Special Effects Hey, Scalia, Thanks For All The Ducks. Stop Bagging My Quail. Bush To Spend Half Billion Bucks On No-Job Training Network And Cable Coverage Of State Of The Union More Balanced Than Ever Judith Steinberg Dean Actually Judith Dean Martin U.S. To Invade Mars White House To Promote Marriage Of Neil Bush And Britney Spears U.S. Revises Self-Rule Plan; Replaces Caucuses With Caucasians Bush Claims He Is Not Puppet, Says Rove Cabinet Meeting Jeb Bush Launches Faith-based Postal Service Bush To Put "Stop Order" On Swing Voters; May Not Vote For Democrat Until End Of Year Regarding The Stewardship Of The American Empire Ashcroft More Than Confident He Has Already Destroyed Plame Investigation, Steps Down FBI Explains: Almanacs Key To Dillinger's Capture, Others Mad Cow Actually Only "Mildly Neurotic," Says Bush U.S. Upset That French Released Airline Passengers Without Probable Cause A Visit To The Holiday Mailbag Lenny Bruce Granted Posthumous Pardon; Kerry Campaign Almost Ready To Seek Same Threat Level Raised To "Orange-er" Democrats Declare Nader Enemy Combatant; Nader Abducted And Detained Constant Medical Exams Of Saddam Turn Up Missing WMD Model For Toppled Statue Found France, Germany Crap On White House Carpet Gore To Claim He Invented Dean, Says GOP White House Tells Kerry To Shut The Fuck Up Bush Aims High -- Will Send Man To Moon, May Even Stop Global Warming, Provide Homeland Security In Reversal, Dean To Move Secret Papers to Bush Library Liberal Bloggers Willing To Do Anything To Demonstrate Problems With DieBold Voting Machines A Letter to General Abizaid From the Field Cheney Makes Surprise Thanksgiving Visit To Undisclosed Location Pardoned Turkey Suffering From Survivor Guilt At The Congressional Hotel, Democrats Sleeping In Senate Majority Leader Frist Reveals Prescription Bottle Permanently Grafted To Hand Daschle To Filibuster Self Bush Charts Clear Course For Future In Iraq, May Go Into Astrology Jackson Willing to Do "Whatever It Takes" To Distract Country From Bush; Happily Surrenders Self For "Greater Good" "Band Of Thugs" To Supplant Al Queda As Top Terrorist Group, Says Bush British Tabloid Ditches Page 3 Girls, Moves To Hardcore Pornography GOP Filibuster Causes Dangerous High Winds Throughout Northeast Success! Some Members of 9/11 Panel May See White House Papers From Distance; Binoculars Allowed Alternate Universe Rumsfeld, Bush, Cheney Take Bremer to Task For Shooting, Gagging Iraqis A Word From Our Sponsor Nuclear Weapons Lab Keys Are Lost — Plus, Scientists Can't Remember Where They Parked It Iran Up To Its Eyeballs In Terror, U.S. Advisor Up To His Ears In Brown Substance Hussein Made Pre-War Offer to Sack Iraq, Kill Two Sons, And Go Into Hiding U.S. Soldiers Set To Sue Manufacturers of Shoulder-Launched Missiles Mel Gibson to Purchase Reagan Miniseries; Reagan Worshippers Promise to Boycott Flick Steve Forbes To Petition For Iraqi Citizenship; Flat Tax Exerts Inescapable Pull Stupid Senseless Deaths Inevitable Part of Stupid, Senseless War, Says Rumsfeld Historic GDP Hike Due to Use Of Ronco Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer, Says Ronco Donald Luskin Threatens Self With Legal Action Bush Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Cable News Networks Concerned that Bryant Trial Will Only Generate Four Hundred Hours of Programming Bush Upbeat On Terrorist Attacks; Al Qaeda Surprisingly Positive As Well Wolfowitz: Service in Baghdad Hotel "Much Better Than You'd Think" Letters to the Editor Everything Awful, Rumsfeld Says; World A Complete And Utter Mess U.S. An Utter Utopia As Of Yesterday, Everything Perfect President's Dog Barney To Be Stuffed And Sold In Malaysia; Move Meant To Publicize Historic Improvement In Endangered Animals Act American Troops To Be Replaced By Gumby, Judge Dredd, Others Cubs Fan Bartman To Be Deployed As Missile Defense Shield Killing Moslems Makes Them Angry And Possibly Even Violent, Says Report Congress To Pass Law Allowing Corporations To Hold Public Office; Coca-Cola To Run For President Plame Leak Was First Step In War On Nepotism Bush Mounts P.R. Offensive To Convince Public Venture Probably Doesn't Suck Big Time White House To Reverse Policy Permitting North Korean Nuking of California Rice Moves Quickly To Rebuild Iraq; Will Spend Week Looking At Color Swatches, Comfy Sofas Bush Names Self Poet Laureate of United States; Won't Give Up Day Job History Of Rampant Sexual Abuse No Longer Impediment To Holding Elective Office; Gary Hart And Others Laugh, Cry GOP To Counter Leak Allegations With Whoopee Cushions, Red Pepper Gum, Other Hilarious Gags White House Leak Story Has No Legs, But Plenty Of Boobs Ashcroft: Investigation Of CIA Outing Concluded Months Ago Invisible WMD's Everywhere, Says Draft Report Al Jazeera Happy Not To Have To Cover Disaster Anymore; Planning To Run Episodes of I Love Lucy Instead Bush Administration To Star In Remake Of Oliver; Orphan Pickpockets Object Clark "Green Army Men" To Tangle With Dean's "Birkenstock Brigade"; Sharks And Jets Pushed Off Home Turf Hurricane Isabel Scatters Miss America Contestants Over Northeast GOP On Petition Drive To Recall Clark Announcement Al Qaeda Spokesman Says Spokeswoman Slot Still Open Bush Thanks Troops For Getting Rid Of All The Tigers Bush To Hunt Down "Servants of Evil"; Good Servants Hard To Find Mysterious Campaign Donations From "Al Kayder" and "Ben Lahden" May Have Influenced Decision To Invade Iraq Coffee Stain On Road Map Mistakenly Led Middle East Leaders Over Edge Of Cliff Judge Not Permitted To Know He Serves On Secret U.S. Court Rove Shocked That Only 70% of Americans Wrongly Believe Hussein Caused 9/11 Department of Homeland Security Moving To Iraq; Misunderstands Dictum Of "Follow The Money" Update on Presidential Address Bush Unaware That Big Speech To European Allies Will Be Broadcast Only To Americans Watch out! Democratic Candidates' Debate Causes Homeland Security Alert New Jersey Man Regrets Villifying French; Wants To Kiss Wife "That Way" Again, Other Things Powell and Kofi Annan Back Together; "We Couldn't Hide Our Forbidden Love," Says Couple Bush Reassures Nation, Creates One Job Majority of Americans Now Believe U.S. Has "Lost Its Grip" In Iraq; Confuse "Grip" With "Grope" A Day At Camp Wachmeebeeyaliberal Court Orders Woman In Wheelchair Removed From Ten Commandments Monument Really Big Malls Seen As Key To Transforming Iraq; Bremer To Be Replaced By Large Indoor Ferris Wheel Bush To Declare War On Iraq The Day Starbucks Went Dark a noir memoir Bush Reinforces Message to Americans: "I'm Keeping You In The Dark So You're Utterly Powerless" Running on Empty: Bush Shares Sweat With Soldiers Long Weekend: Opinions You Should Have Went to A Fair and Balanced Queer Eye For The Arab Guy 100 Days After End Of War, Everything "Hunky-Dory," Says Bush Gray Davis To Start Acting Career; Will Star In Terminator IV Powell Will Not Serve if Bush Is Reelected; Perfectly Happy To Stay On Otherwise Scientists Calculate Bush Has Spent No Time Actually Governing As President; May Not Be Able To Run For Second Term Until 2008 Terrorist Futures Market Scrapped By Wimpy White House; OpYoShHa Opens Trading Market Anyway Centrist Democrats Suggest Dem Candidate Wear Rubber Clinton Mask Wolfowitz Fan Of "Murky" Intelligence Homeland Security Department Almost Ready To Provide Security White House Institution To Be Renamed: National Insecurity Council 53 Days After End of War, Bush Proclaims End of Hussein Regime; Saddam Hussein Rumored to Secretly Attend Announcement Democrat's Ad Calling Bush Misleading Misleading, Says GOP; Populace Confused By Endlessly Recursive Allegations Bremer A Beacon Of Astonishing Revelations; Says Sky Is Blue, Other Shockers Professor Claims Bush Reading Skills Okay; Nation Is Relieved New Email Form At WhiteHouse.Gov Permits Only Fan Mail Economists Announce Recession Was Over in 2001; Record Numbers Of Unemployed Celebrate White House Financing Government Operations With Credit Card Cash Advances Orwell's Estate To Sue Bush Administration For Copyright Infringement Karen Hughes To Head New U.S. Ministry of Truth Opinions You Should Have Responsible For White House Misstatements Fleischer Taunts Reporters With Verbal Prestidigitation; Tries to Make Issue Disappear Majority of Americans Believe Bush "Stretched The Truth" Bush Defends Blair Against Claim That British "Sexed Up" Intelligence Dossier White House Decides War Safer than Peace An Open Letter To President Bush From An Employee Republicans Make Early Gains In Securing Naked Florida Vote; Placing Nudism On GOP Platform Bush's Talks With God Involve TV, Baseball Hispanics Officially Named Largest U.S. Minority; Hate Groups Scrambling To Redirect Hate Wife Wants Husband To Perform Constitutionally Sanctioned Act Bush Administration Wondering If Fed Can Cut Rate to Negative 1 Percent 90% of Americans Who Said They Didn't Care About Lying Were Lying, New Study Says New Test For Supreme Court Nominees Involves Membership In All-White Country Club FBI Arrests Karl Rove On Anonymous Tip By Ashcroft; Guidelines For Use of Tips Subsequently Narrowed Rumsfeld Points Out D.C. Crime Worse Than Baghdad's; D.C. Residents Pack Immediately Rumsfeld Unveils Invisible Can of "Whoop Ass" To Take Care of "Crime Problem" In Iraq Following Ancient Diplomatic Tradition, Sharon Will "Hound" Hamas Into Sanctioning Peace Treaty Democrats Divided Over How To Sink Party White House Chides Israel For Attempted Murder Of Hamas Leader Claimed Iraqi Bioweapons Trailers Revealed To be Winnebagos Rice, Powell: Nothing Wrong With Intelligence; It Was Decision-Making That Sucked Unemployment Rate Skyrockets To 6.1%; Bush Team Calls It "Great Opportunity for Economic Growth" Bush Performs Faith Healings For Troops; Says "You Are Hee-yalled! Yay-ah!" Bush Promises To "Ride Herd" Over Peace Meetings; Mideast Interpreters Mistakenly Fired Constant U.S. Rain, Winds Result of Putin Weather Control Machine Martha Stewart's Real Crimes "Opinions You Should Have" Bought By Rupert Murdoch; Will Now Be Called "Opinions You Will Have"Tony Blair, President Bush, Find WMD, Forget Where They Put Them "Waldorf Transcripts" Show Straw, Powell, Had Excellent Appetites, Knew How To Pick Wine Karl Rove Has Orgasm At Tax-Cut Signing Ceremony Bush Fund Raising Letter Asks For Cash, Offers Prizes Homeland Security Department Replaces Vigiliance With Inquisition; Ridge Unveils "Clever New Tool For Rooting Out Terrorism" Public Service Retirees Discovered to Have Been Spending "More Time" With Wrong Familes Terrorists Raise Threat Level To Orange Because Of Increase In Cable News Network Chatter War Constant Obstacle to Peace in Mideast Bush Committed to "Road Map" For Mideast Peace, Despite Problems "Backing Out of The Driveway" Ari Fleischer to Resign This Summer; Has "Really Big Steak" To Grill U.S. Forces Stop Shooting Iraqis; Offer Them $40 Instead Dog to President Bush: Walk This In Parallel Universe, Professor Richard Cheney Horrified To Discover Other-Dimensional Self To Be Friendly With Rumsfeld Iraq Reloaded Jay Garner Demoted to Shoulder Rest For Reporters At Press Conferences Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax Captured; Colonel Mustard Still At Large Mideast Road Map Hard To Read, Impossible to Fold Enterprising GOP Senators Raise Taxes So They Can Cut Them; Will Also Restore Frederick Douglass House Then Tear It Down Are We Not Men? We Are Devo: Scientists Discover New Subspecies of Man Sitting Democrat Discovered To Have Orbs of Alloyed Copper and Zinc; Rest of Party Flees in Fear Excerpts from William Bennett's "Children's Book of Virtues" Poll Conclusively Shows That Bush's Drive to Deprive Americans of Health Care, Education, and Clean Air Paying Off Iraqis Protest Shooting of Iraqis by U.S. Soldiers; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them Iraqis Celebrate; U.S. Soldiers Shoot Them Bush Signs Pact With Terrorist Group; White House Analysts Conclude That U.S. Must Invade Self Bush Insists Tax Cuts Will Cure SARS WHO Convenes Emergency Meeting of Hollywood Screenwriters to Combat SARS North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il Discovered Just to Be Doing Bad Dr. Evil Impression Indiana Husband Claims Wife Has WMD, Wants Regime Change and $100 Billion For Rebuilding First Free Election in Baghdad Results in Election of George W. Bush; Angry Iraqis Claim They "Intended to Vote For Pat Buchanan" Lance Bass Offers To Strap Himself Into Warhead of U.S. Missile Scientific Testing Proves Careers of Jackson Browne and Darryl Hannah Destroyed By Breakup Task of Rebuilding Iraq Begins: Florida Election Booths to be Installed in Baghdad Tomorrow Bush Declares War Goal Met; Hussein's Weapons of Mass Destruction Gone Bush Plan To Invade Iraq, Syria, Iran, and North Korea "Totally Different" Than Neocon Plan to Invade Iraq, Syria, Iran, and North Korea Suspected Chemical Weapons Actually Mammoth Collection of Pocket Lint Deck of Cards Mixup Leads to Accidental Killing of King of Hearts Headlines In Briefs Marines Encounter More Than Just Pockets of Resistance in Baghdad, Try to Fend Off Complete Pants U.S. Marines Discover Hidden Trove of Extra Hussein Sons Kerry Remark About Need for U.S. Regime Change Inflames and Baffles GOP Bush Faced Terrific Quandry in White House NCAA Pool Saddam Talks About the NCAA's Buildings, Schmildings Rumsfeld Confuses Situation Room With TIVO, Attempts to "Pause" and "Rewind" War War Paused, Posting Light Commanders Misplace 4th Infantry Division; "I Thought You Had Them," Says General Bush Cautions That War He Promised Would Be Over in Days Might Actually Take Weeks Precision Bombs Hit Turkey Exactly Where We Wanted Them To First Time Shock and Awe Used in Military Attack Bush Declares: The Bush Plan For Taking Iraq Interpreters Mistakenly Fired For Translating Actual Words of Bush Speech Recent Poll Shows More Americans Oppose War Than Support It Your Horoscope For Today Bush makes Last Ditch Attempt to Avoid Diplomatic Solution White House Flunks Remedial Math -- Will Be Forced To Take Summer Course A Truly International Body Bored Congressmen Look For Ways to Justify Existence Several Cows on New Hampshire Farm Still Wondering If U.S. Will Invade Powell Shocked to Learn Security Council Resolution Subject to Veto Florida State Debate Team Moving "Will We Go to War With ?" Debate Up in Schedule Several Cows on New Hampshire Farm Still Wondering If U.S. Will Invade President Bush Calls For U.N. Vote He Vows to Ignore Powell Accuses Hussein of Trying to Divide Security Council Ridge Lowers Snack Food Threat Warning to Sour Cream and Onion Middle East Democracy Deals Blow to Plan to Install Other Middle East Democracy Bush Insists Hussein Must Disarm, Cede Power, and "Do the Chicken Dance" Bush Destroys American Advances of Past 60 Years, Embraces Colonialism: From Bully Pulpit to Bullying Pulpit Bush Use of U.N. Makes Head Spin Like Exorcist Chick A Very Special Sneak Peak at the Upcoming Saddam Hussein/ George W. Bush Debate Ridge Raises Snack Food Threat Warning to Mesquite Barbeque Flavor Bush Scorns Formulation of Policy Based on Americans' Opinions Our Homeland Security Department at Work Today's Headlines Recent Headlines  Back
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