Donald Trump today spurned reports that he had hired Russian prostitutes to urinate for and possibly on him. "That's not true," he said. "I hired prostitutes of many different nationalities."

Later, Trump poo-poohed the allegations entirely, saying only that he was assisting a prominent American urologist conducting research on possible diabetic irregularities in women of the night.

A Trump spokesperson later held a press conference to address the allegations, but cut it short after crossing her legs frequently and then running out of the room in haste, saying only "He needs me!"

Allegations that Russian intelligence had evidence that Trump had hired prostitutes to engage in" golden showers shows" had been floating around sometime since his election. The allegations, which had been leaking steadily for some time, were ignored by journalists, who declined to investigate because the stories were "thin." "We didn't want to engage in yellow journalism." said one.

The media instead chose to focus on news about digitally transmitted correspondence, or "emails." "Much sexier," said Jake Crapper of cable station MSNPP.