President Bush issued a pardon for prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald today in order to "excuse him" for the "skewed system of justices" that caused the conviction of I. Lewis Libby earlier this week.

The pardon for Fitzgerald came after conservatives convicted Fitzgerald of treason in a secret courtroom located in a small country near the coast of Florida, sources said.

The President also put John Bolton in charge of fixing what he called "broke justice." "This trial of Libby was a travesty," said Bolton.

Mary Matalin, Cheney's longtime counselor agreed. "Everyone knows the only fair trial is one where Republicans decide the outcome behind closed doors," she said.

Bolton gave some indication of the reforms he planned to bring to the American criminal justice system. "First thing we do is kill all the lawyers," he said.

The President's pardon of Fitzgerald came as a complete surprise, especially since conservatives have been calling for a pardon of Libby, not Fitzgerald. The President has suggested that he has no plans to pardon Libby, although he had privately indicated that -- perhaps in honor of Libby -- he plans to have a serious memory lapse shortly after the next Presidential election.

In other news, Guantanamo detainees are petitioning their U.S. captors for "the Libby treatment."

Hat tip to R.S.