Today, President Bush declared that an infected cow afflicted with mad cow disease had been only "mildly neurotic," and urged calm.

"Everything's just fine, the way it always has been, the way it always will be," said Bush. "This is going to be a great year for America, and a slightly imbalanced cow isn't going to ruin that one little bit."

"I'm still eating plenty of beef," he added. "I think everyone will agree that I'm not insane yet." The President chopped the air for emphasis about 60 times, and then laughed for five or ten minutes without stopping.

Bush called the press conference to rebut allegations that his administration -- which some say projects an air of complete certainty about the future and the results of its actions or inactions -- failed adequately to prepare for or safeguard against the spectre of mad cow disease and the economic consequences of the outbreak.

"That cow wasn't paranoid," said Bush. "We were out to get it," and laughed again.

"Beef," said the President, closing out the press conference. "The other red meat."