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September 22, 2005
Mike Brown To Take Charge Of Congressional Investigation of FEMA

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert today appointed Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA, to direct the House's investigation into the failure of FEMA to function adequately when handling the recent disaster in New Orleans.

"We're very serious about really uncovering the problems with FEMA. That's why we've appointed Mike Brown," said Hastert. "Who better to investigate FEMA than the former head of FEMA?" Although Brown has no previous investigatory experience of any kind, Hastert had confidence in him because"he's a longtime college friend of Joseph Allbaugh, one of the President's major fundraisers," Hastert said.

Investigators under Mr. Brown's leadership were raring to go "full speed ahead." Unfortunately, the investigation has been held up by the delay in getting "critical office supplies" to the investigators.

"We're drowning here," said an investigator who wanted to remain anonymous because he has a huge wart on his nose. "The paperwork is overwhelming. We need help."

Nonetheless, precious and crucial items which Mr. Brown had said he would provide to the investigatory team -- such as an "absolutely essential" pallet of paperclips, and forty "indispensible" filing cabinets -- have been mysteriously lost en route to Washington, and 300 bales of paper were accidentally delivered to Miami, according to Mr. Brown. "I am working on getting these materials to the team," said Mr. Brown, who said that local and state authorities had caused the delay.

Despite the delays, President Bush heavily endorsed Mr. Brown's leadership of the investigation. "Brownie's been doing a heck of a job," he said almost robotically, his eyes glazing over as he blinked anxiously.

Also on the investigating committee will be some Federal employees who, while not having experience with investigations previously, used to bowl with George W. Bush in college. "We used to go drunk driving together," said one, who spoke anonymously because otherwise people would know his name.

Ed. Note: This was written before we discovered that FEMA has actually hired Michael Brown as a "consultant" to "evaluate it's [sic] response to Hurricane Katrina." Hat tip to Talking Points Memo. In fact, turns out he was never off of FEMA's payroll.