October 22, 2003
U.S. An Utter Utopia As Of Yesterday, Everything Perfect

No Discouraging Words Are Heard

Astonishingly, the entire U.S. and the rest of the world underwent a startling transformation yesterday, when, a bare couple of hours after a White house order that, henceforth, only good news could be reported in America, everything became the absolute model of perfection.

No more bodies are coming back from , amazingly, and we here in the press can only conclude that Bush & Co. -- God bless them -- have licked that nasty problem and installed both a flourishing democracy and a Dolby 5.1 Surround System with five incredibly large speakers placed around the country so that is can enjoy the most lifelike sound and the finest viewing experience available.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has turned out to be the most gifted natural leader California has ever known, and we understand that California -- overnight, mind you! -- now has a $37 billion surplus. Who woulda thunk?

Terrorism has disappeared, and all moslems converted to Christianity late last night, said Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed, and Lt. General William Boykin. The world has become utterly homogenous.

In other news, the Euro was chucked by all foreign nations and the American dollar has been embraced as the only currency used anywhere on the planet.

Karl Rove leaked yesterday that America now has a trade surplus for the first time in recorded history, or whatever.

Howard Dean and Wesley Clark, holding hands and frequently hugging "in a manly way," dropped out of the race for President and agreed that "everything's just fine the way it is," as they changed their party affiliation to Republican and declared "that the two party system in America is unnecessary now." Every other Democratic candidate is expected to drop out of the race except Dennis Kucinich.

Homosexuals went straight yesterday, declaring that their former sexual preferences were the product of mental imbalances and problems bonding with their mothers. And evil.

Scientists in Palo Alto, California announced that they have discovered that nuclear radiation is good for you.

People will not have to take time from watching TV to vote anymore! A small group of fine folk on the Defense Policy Board, including Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle, will choose the President for us, giving us more time to barbeque, watch movies, and shop.

There's more! Doctors who do not commit malpractice ever anymore say cancer builds strong bones twelve ways. . . .

Posted by Tom Burka at 9:26 AM in News