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    September 13, 2005
    Evil Liberals: Penguin Film Proves There Is No God

    But conservative groups have turned [March of the Penguins's] stirring depiction of the mating ordeals of emperor penguins into an unexpected battle anthem in the culture wars. . . .

    "Some of the circumstances [the penguins] experienced seemed to parallel those of Christians," one man said of the penguins. "The penguin is falling behind, is like some Christians falling behind. The path changes every year, yet they find their way, is like the Holy Spirit."

    Evil liberals announced today that, while conservatives have praised the "March of the Penguins," a documentary chronicling the mating cycle of Emperor penguins in Antarctica as "proof of the divine," and "a parable of christianity," liberals see the film as proof of the ultimate nihlism of the universe.

    The movie follows a group of penguins as they trek 70 miles across a harsh and frozen landscape and mate in sub-zero temperatures. When an egg is born, the male penguin sits on it until he either accidentally breaks it or until his mate comes back from an absurdly dangerous journey to bring him food four months later. While the females are gone, the weather becomes, almost impossibly, even worse and the males -- even the most homophobic ones -- have to press themselves together into a ball to have enough warmth to survive. The males are starving and entirely without cable TV or fried snack foods. When the few females that survive the trip return, some of the eggs hatch, producing tiny baby penguins that will have to grow up and endure the same grueling and tortuous life cycle of suffering all over again.

    "What kind of God would create a life cycle like that?" said Darby Gorman, a lifelong and staunch liberal. "It's cruel and meaningless." After speaking with reporters, Gorman locked himself in a room where he contemplated the essential tediousness of everything.

    Liberal critics are puzzled why prominent conservatives cite the penguins' behavior in the film as making a case for monagamy, even though penguins select a different mate every year. "That's not hard to understand," explained Religion Professor Claude Simpersill. "In this way penguins are just like Republican lawmakers."

    "Liberals just don't get it," said Nancy Sunshine, a member of the religious group God's Children and a conservative. "God is speaking to us through this film. The parable of the penguin is the parable of Christians who are struggling to survive in America. If only one of our babies can hatch, we've done well."

    Posted by Tom Burka at 11:41 AM in News