Recession Over, War Gone, Unemployed Applaud

President Bush took a break from his busy schedule of fishing, napping, and lying on the couch but not napping, to announce that "things" were "definitely better" for average Americans than they were three years ago. "We're making progress in Iraq," he said. "And the economy is healing."

"The recession was over in 2001, and the war was over on May 1," Bush said.

Sally Macaroni, mother of 72 boys from Kentucky, rejoiced. "Maybe that means that my other twenty-two sons will live!" Mrs. Vernon's other 50 sons, all of whom were stationed in , died in "non-combat-related bomb explosions and hails of gunfire," according to CENTCOM.

Eddie Halibutthead, an unemployed insurance salesman in New Haven, Connecticut who has given up looking for work, was thrilled to hear Bush's speech. "Whoa, that is good news," he said. "I mean, we're very lucky."

"As bad as things may seem now," he said, beaming, "Imagine what it would be like if our economy sucked and we were in the middle of a war."