November 27, 2003
Pardoned Turkey Suffering From Survivor Guilt

Rest Of Family Presented On Dining Tables Throughout America Today

Stars, the turkey pardoned by President Bush just days ago, is having extreme difficulty adjusting to his "survivorship," according to prominent animal psychologists.

Gooble!Dr. Frank Giblet said that Stars is liable to be an underachiever, to experience low self-esteem, will have difficulty coping with success, and has a much higher likelihood of becoming addicted to steroid- and antibiotic-laced feed.

"You can see it already," said Giblet. "His gobble is weak and dissolute. It's more like a gooble." Giblet added that Stars' turkey "trot" had become little more than a meander.

Stars will soon be taking part in group sessions with other survivors, including Colleen Haskell and Rupert Boneham.

Happy Thanksgiving! (Don't be too guilty about tucking into Stars' cousin Joey.)

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:11 PM in News