December 30, 2003
FBI Explains: Almanacs Key To Dillinger's Capture, Others

The FBI has warned police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.

"All Points Bulletin," Special Agent Floyd Netty radioed. "Be on the lookout for an olive-skinned man carrying an almanac and favoring his left leg. That is all."

"Almanacs were the key to our greatest arrests," explained Netty. "Bonnie and Clyde carried a big old almanac; Dillinger had one on his pocket watch chain; Capone had a stooge with an almanac with him at all times. Follow the almanacs, you find the criminals," he said.

The FBI has also asked citizens to look out for olive-skinned individuals with strange accents asking for directions to "the nearest large gathering of peoples who are wanting to be infected" and "are you knowing the way to many softest targets in the area."

But modern criminals disagreed with the FBI's approach. "I never carry an almanac no more," said Mohammed al Ackbar, a terrorist in a sleeper cell in Detroit. "I have a GPS in my palm pilot that has a complete readout of nuclear power plants in the entire ecountry. Very handy."

Mr. Ackbar said that it was not inconceivable that terrorists would carry almanacs, however. "I am finding the almanac very fascinating," he said. "Are you knowing that the walleye is the official fish of South Dakota?"

Posted by Tom Burka at 11:52 AM in News