In "The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln," to be published next month by Free Press, Mr. C.A. Tripp, a psychologist, subjected almost every word ever written by and about Lincoln to minute analysis. His conclusion is that America's greatest president, the beacon of the Republican Party, was a gay man.

"It is high time that this entirely worthless currency be taken out of circulation," Bush said. He denied that Lincoln's alleged gayness had anything to do with his decision. "I don't believe that Lincoln was gay," said the President, "although I admit I no longer feel comfortable handling the penny."

The Republican-controlled Congress has drafted legislation that it intends to pass in an emergency session that will make it a Federal crime to refer to the Republican Party as the "party of Lincoln."

At the White House, an environmental SWAT team dressed in special "clean suits" was seen cordoning off the Lincoln bedroom and bringing in special equipment to perform what White House officials called "a routine sanitization and disinfection" of the area.

Dennis Hastert, Republican representative from Illinois, was worried. "That's not what they mean by 'the Land of Lincoln.'"

Conservatives called for the Lincoln Memorial to be immediately removed to Greenwich Village in New York City.

Senator Frist agreed with the President's decision to withdraw the penny. "This news about Lincoln really brings new meaning to the phrase 'heads or tails.'"