May 22, 2003
Homeland Security Department Replaces Vigiliance With Inquisition; Ridge Unveils "Clever New Tool For Rooting Out Terrorism"

Feels Safer Than Ever

"With breathtaking clarity of vision and great ingenuity," Tom Ridge noted at a congratulatory press conference, "Judge William Crosbie has uncovered a sly and ingenious device for the detection of terrorrists living among us. It is with this in mind that I have created the Bureau of Civilian Inquisition.

Tom Ridge was praising a new tool in the fight against terrorism invented by Judge Crosbie, who capably deployed it in his courtroom in Tarrytown, New York.

Judge Crosbie was presiding in Tarrytown's village court when Anisa Khoder, a 46-year-old American citizen of Lebanese descent came before him to challenge the validity of two parking tickets. That's when Judge Crosbie leapt into action.

"Are you a terrorist?" Judge Crosbie asked. He now recalls he may have pointed an accusing finger at her and announced, in a loud clear voice, "J'accuse!"

Khoder fainted dead away, undoubtedly from the shock of having her terrible secret revealed. She was immediately spirited to an undisclosed location for interrogation; whatever her fate, authorities have been careful to point out that she will still have to take care of those two parking tickets.

Ridge, who demonstrated the technique for reporters, will be stocking the newly created Bureau with Will Parker, Beth Parker and Sam Parker, a family known for its great curiosity. The Parkers -- known for their large probosci -- will roam the countryside, asking those they encounter, "Are YOU a terrorist?" Anyone who answers yes or faints dead away will be placed in federal custody.

Posted by Tom Burka at 11:08 PM in News