The management regrets the failure to post a stultifying and breathtakingly funny entry on Tuesday, as is our practice, due to a long weekend unpunctuated by dependable internet access.

We went to a country fair and balanced balls on our noses, imitating seals at the nearby aquarium. Afterwards, we went to a local pub and tucked into the local fare and balanced out the rather heavy meal with a light and wholesome dessert (fresh strawberries). On the way home my wife informed me that her cousin was having an affair and blanched. I was so stunned by this that I drove off the road momentarily, hitting a ditch and knocking my wheels out of alignment. It rained and my tires had to be balanced while fair weather failed to prevail.

We spent more than we should have but to be fair, we haven't balanced our checkbook properly and thought we could afford it.

My cousin, Louisa, is fair but my other cousin, Johnny Hyde Burka, is swarthy and unbalanced.

Oh, Fox News, please sue me.