It Juliennes Fries

The nation's GDP sailed upwards this quarter to a record 7.2 %, the largest growth rate since 1984, and all without adding jobs, and with still-existing workers working fewer hours.

"Fewers workers have been able to produce more with less," said Candy Hamstrung, Chief Economic Analyst of Milkem and Grow, a Wall Street sweatshop.

"That's because of the amazing Dial-O-Matic Food Slicer," said Ron Popeii, CEO of Ronco Corporation and subject of the book "Salesman of the Century". "It can slice potatoes so thin you see right through them, or you can twist the handy dial and it will shred cabbage for cole slaw."

Popeii pointed out that workers using the Dial-O-Matic are healthier, happier, and waste fewer hours at home "slaving away over a stove," helping them to be better rested and more productive at work.