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July 13, 2006
To Maximize Revenues, GOP Will Eliminate Taxes Completely

"Some in Washington say we had to choose between cutting taxes and cutting the deficit," President Bush said in a brief appearance at the White House to highlight the new estimates. "Today's numbers show that that was a false choice. The economic growth fueled by tax relief has helped send our tax revenues soaring."
The Republican leadership in Washington decided this week that, as a last-ditch effort to stop the deficit from spiralling out of control, it would eliminate taxes entirely.

"We've seen that tax revenues increase whenever we cut taxes," said Rep. James Sensenbrenner. "It only recently occurred to us that if we got rid of them altogether, we'd end up with a surplus."

House Republicans championed Sensennbrenner's realization. "He's brilliant," said Dennis Hastert. "He's as good at economics as he is at nuclear physics."

Professor Finn O'Gerlockheit of the Brookings Institution hailed the new House plan, which is expected to be passed this weekend, moved through the Senate, and made law by next Friday. "we need budget relief and we need it now."

Tax relief evangelist Grover Norquist was more sanguine, however. "I now understand that we'll hardly be able to drown government in the bathtub if we cut taxes. After the enormous flood of revenue that comes in, government will, sadly, be bigger than ever."

"It makes perfect sense," said Economics Professor Linda Blenner. "When we cut taxes for the rich, the money trickles down onto everyone else. Well, now the rich will be turning a firehose on America."

Republicans cautioned that when they speak of eliminating taxes entirely, they mean taxes for only those earning $100,000 or more. "We think it's fair that the people deriving the most benefit from the tax cuts -- wage earners -- help start the cascade that moves up the ladder and gradually right back down on them."

Posted by Tom Burka at 11:20 AM in News

July 7, 2006
Lay Shocked To Find He Can't Take It With HIm

GOP Also Outraged

Kenneth Lay argued strenuously with St. Peter upon discovering that he was not permitted to take his vast fortune to the afterlife.

"Then what was the point of doing away with the estate tax?" he argued.

Outraged Republicans leapt to defend Lay and vowed to pass an emergency bill giving Lay "much needed" relief. "Kenneth Lay made a lot of money, he was punished for his crimes, and he paid the ultimate penalty: he died for his sins," said Senator Bill Frist, "Now the afterlife is trying to penalize him again. It amounts to double taxation."

Republican pundit Ann Coulter advocated burning money left behind by deceased moguls a a disincentive to "the otherwordly." "If we can't take it with us, then nobody should be able to have it."

Lay finished his argument with St. Peter by bilking St.Peter out of millions, which constituted the Saint's "whole afterlife savings," sources said.

St. Peter refused to disclose where Lay was to be consigned by the Almighty , but hinted that it might not be as nice as a minimum security Federal Prison Camp.

Posted by Tom Burka at 9:06 AM in News