The United States withheld its dues from the World Cup Organization this week after a dispute over the shape of the ball and the rules of the game.

"The WCO has no authority to tell us how to play football," said Government Representative John R. Bolton. "We're not gonna let a bunch of meddling Europeans tell us when we can touch our balls," he added.

Secretary of State Condolleeza Rice agreed and went even farther. "The United States alone will decide where we take our ball and who we play with," she said while visiting the home of an oppressive dictator.

The United States has been furious that its resolution to change the shape of the soccer ball to an ovoid was rejected by the World Cup Security Council without debate. U.S.-WCO relations then completely imploded when the WCO sanctioned the United States for preemptively invading the locker room of Italy before last weekend's match.

Tension is mounting in the U.S. in view of the administration's attempts to influence the upcoming Thursday match with Ghana, who the U.S. has to beat in order to have a chance to advance to the second round of the Cup. In an early misttep, the United States sent Henry Kissinger, who compares soccer to warfare or theater, to negotiate new rules with the Ghanian representatives.

"I don't know why the United States has such a difficult time playing well with others," said Professor Bean Valence, Director of American Studies at the University of Wallamaloo.

John Bolton disagreed. "All we want is a level playing field," he said.