Today, following the endorsement of John Kerry by the Crawford, Texas newspaper, President Bush signed executive orders designating Crawford a "shitty little town," and cutting off all federal funding for the municipality.

"After all the goddamn brush I cleared for those people," said Bush, brandishing his pen.

Secret service agents swarmed Crawford today in what the White House claimed was a "security sweep" to "keep the town safe for the President's ranch to be in," after which every copy of the Lone Star Iconoclast mysteriously disappeared.

Karl Rove, when questioned about the endorsement, said that he had not heard of any such action, and added, "I'm not sure that paper was published today."

Tonight Dick Cheney remarked to Scooter Libby, his chief of staff, "Crawford is such a nice little town. Be a shame if anything happened to it."