August 21, 2003
Really Big Malls Seen As Key To Transforming Iraq; Bremer To Be Replaced By Large Indoor Ferris Wheel

Simon Properties, the developer of the Mall of America, America's largest mall, has been named to replace Paul Bremer as U.S. overseer of Iraqi development.

"We've developed 182 million square feet in America alone," said Phyllis Snivvlinnson, Vice President for Foreign Development. "There's no reason we can't effectively develop 437,072 square kilometers."

"Democracy requires good anchor stores," said Dick . "To start, Halliburton is opening a superstore just west of the oil fields, near Kirkuk. Shopping for oil has never been so easy or pleasant."

"You can buy a million barrels of crude, get some cajun chicken at Panda Express or a super cheese steak at the food court, grab some 8x11 medium weight paper at Staples, see a movie, or take a ride on the largest indoor ferris wheel in the Middle East," said .

Orange Julius, Hooters, and the Magic Pan Crepe Stand are among other food vendors who have signed on to "feed Iraq."

"We're very excited about the Crepe Stand," said Snivvlinnson.

Snivvlinnson laughed off suggestions that terrorists might slow down the development of Iraq. "What terrorist would prefer blowing themselves up to enjoying the Lucky Charms Magical Forest or the Trix Fruity Carnival?"

President Bush has also asked that some fine golf courses be constructed, because "you can't have attract good heads of state without really fine golf courses." One particularly ambitious course will have mine fields and pockets of undepleted uranium pellets as hazards.

With a tip of the hat to Shelly, Prometheus, and Nick Barlow.

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:46 PM in News