Today, U.S. officials announced to feeble-minded Americans and President Bush that "Dr. Germ" and "Mrs. Anthrax" have been captured in Baghdad. "Dr. Germ" is Dr. Rihab Taha, the scientist alleged to have been the leader of Iraq's biological weapons program. Today, Condoleeza Rice, whom President Bush calls "Professor," informed the President that "Dr. Germ" was in custody but that the whereabouts of "Mr. Dictator" were still unknown. President Bush learned of the incident while he was using "Mr. Fork" and "Mr. Knife" to eat his lunch.

The infamous Colonel Mustard, chief of Iraq's chemical weapons program and a suspect in a number of killings in ballrooms, libraries, studies, and conservatories all over the world, remains unapprehended, although it is rumored that a lead pipe and a candlestick were found suspiciously near a knife, pistol and rope in a secret passageway connecting two rooms in one of Baghdad's Presidential Palaces.

Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld, whom the President knows as "Mary Ann," had no comment.

Update: Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax were released in 2005 after being held without charges for more than two-and-a-half years.