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    July 25, 2003
    Homeland Security Department Almost Ready To Provide Security

    Sense of Excitement Is Palpable, Whatever That Means

    A line stretched around the building in Washington, D.C., today, as citizens from all the over the country waited to receive rations of domestic security when the Department of Homeland Security starts doling it out sometime in the near future.

    Tom Ridge was optimistic that they could open their doors for business "incredibly soon."

    "We're off to a fantastic start," Ridge said. "We have a fancy logo and a big building to put it on. We've got a lot of colorful labels and a storehouse full of empty cans. It's only a matter of time before we start producing enough quality, nourishing domestic security to sustain every household in America."

    So far the Department of Homeland Security's cannery has produced enough security to fill about 1000 cans, enough to protect the West Wing of the White House.

    Skeptics have pointed out that, at current funding levels, Ridge's Department will only be able to produce 100,000 cans a year -- hardly the amount needed to feed the entire country -- and that those cans are currently scheduled to be distributed evenly, without regard to specific need.

    For instance, John and Grace Mariano of New York City, who both weigh over 700 pounds, have been waiting on line since before the Department was created. "We're starving," they said. "We need, like, 1000 vats of security." Some say the Department will never be able to fill their needs.

    "That's nonsense," said Ridge, smiling. "We're working on genetically altering plants to produce security."

    "That's right," he said, beaming. "One day security will grow on trees."

    Posted by Tom Burka at 12:39 PM in News