In many ways, it was a far, far better year than we could have hoped for. But it was a very crazy year.

This is where the Democrats were at the beginning of the year: a Supreme Court ruling removed the only barriers that had prevented the Democrats from complete self-immolation.

In February, a U.S. ban on animal-human hybrids had the unintended consequence of making chickenhawks illegal, decimating the White House and much of the Republican leadership.

In frustration, Vice President Cheney shot a friend in the face, and it was discovered that he had previously run a friend through with a hunting knife.

Subsequently, Dubai was chosen to run the American government in the absence of any actual American leadership.

In March, as part of a rash of legislative approaches to stopping Republican governmental crime, the Senate retroactively legalized the Watergate break-in. Then, to celebrate the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, Dick Cheney dropped an enormous cake on Iraq, destroying a power plant and two schools.

In April, amidst rumors that Scott McClellan was about to implode, I made a pitch to become the next great White House Press Secretary.

In May, to address the immigration crisis, the National Guard was forced to hire illegal immigrants to patrol the Mexican border.

June was a busy month. The U.S. refused to pay dues to the World Cup organization, the Supreme Court eviscerated the knock-knock joke, and the White House executed the New York Times.

Up-is-down-ism reached its peak (or its bottom) when Republicans claimed that eliminating taxes would fix the deficit.

In August, Americans begged Bush to take a longer vacation, but Bush came back early to promise to keep promising to fix New Orleans.

Bush then immediately spent weeks in intricate negotiations over the details of a law that he never intended to follow.

The first hint of good news in the year came when Bill Scher of Liberal Oasis showed us how to win the war of ideas and return the Democratic party to greatness.

In October, the Republican leadership was "shocked, shocked" to discover that Mark Foley had a little problem.

In November, the Democrats actually won control of Congress.

But it wasn't all good news. A prominent male hooker was forced to step down after he was discovered having sex with a sleazy evangelical leader. Because of this, Donald Rumsfeld resigned.

In December, outgoing Majority Leader and doctor Bill Frist attempted to declare a Democratic Senator dead in an effort to hold on to his position.

And millions wept as James Brown lay in state at the Capitol.

Another great year. As readers may recall, this time last year I wished that 2005 would be nothing like 2004. I apparently neglected to explain that I was hoping for something better; I will not make that mistake again. Here's hoping 2006 will be a better year. Herewith, the highlights (so to speak) of 2005:

January - Bush was inaugurated. After four years in the Office of Presidency, he was finally elected to that position. Bush's first budget quickly sailed up to top the chart of New York Times Best Selling Fiction.

Donald Rumsfeld was sent to give solace to the tsunami victims.

A report found that Dan Rather was the only television media flack not on the U.S. Government payroll.

In late January, Google started indexing brains. They started with Bill Gates.

Iraq took its first step toward what, here in America, we call a "democracy."

February - Zoloft and Paxil were replaced by the "W" pill.

March - After the GOP-controlled congress went into special session to pass a special law just for Terry Shiavo, the other 293 million Americans asked to get their own laws.

The GOP, tired of "half-measures", passed a law giving everyone's money directly to the rich.

April - The Pentagon took over the food pyramid.

May - After Newsweek retracted their apparently entirely accurate story on "Koran flushing", Bush tried to retract the entirely awful Iraq war, which, it had become increasingly evident, was also in the toilet.

June - The GOP declared Paul Revere to be a despicable tattletale.

Senator Bill Frist offered to make medical diagnoses by mail.

Noting that the U.S. Army was already in place, President Bush decried the dreadfully dangerous state of things in a particular country and therefore urged us to invade Iraq again.

July - Amid signs that Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald's investigation was heating up, the White House refused to confirm ever knowing a "Karl Rove".

August - President Bush, considering a Federally mandated school science curriculum, decided that things fall "because God wants them to."

Busdh extended his vacation in Texas to clear "especially pernicious" brush.

September - God heard Bush declare John Kerry to be "soft on weather" (in 2004), and ordered Katrina.

Bush later said that he would have rescued poor people if he had known they existed.

Bush was shocked at his response to hurricane Katrina and vowed to find out where he was and what he was doing.

October - Bush nominated an actual blank slate to the Supreme Court and, concerned about torture, sought limits on interrogation -- of members of the White House.

November - Ahmed Chalabi was appointed chief instructor of the new White House School of Ethics.

God (who had a busy year) smacked Pat Robertson.

December - In a story yet to be written (let's just say, "DEVELOPING"), President Bush announced that he had authorized the use of constant, innumerable and entirely illegal wiretaps in order to stop terrorist schemes such as a plan to use 100,000 tiny but extremely powerful magnets to move the earth off of its axis.

So, I ask you, 2006: what took you so long?

A Very Special Opinions You Should Have Report

The management looks back on the past year and, after having downed a couple of shots just to keep looking back on it, recollects the highlights. (And these were the highlights . . .)

January - President Bush started off the year with yet another rousing State of the Union address, followed by his announcement of a really fine jobs program.

February - Tony Blair and George W. Bush were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Paul Bremer announced that a wardrobe malfunction was delaying Iraq's election.

President Bush helpfully suggested that his testimony before the 9/11 Commission take the form of a children's parlor game.

March - President Bush called to congratulate himself on winning the GOP nomination.

Judge Scalia discovered that the nation was in deeper trouble than he imagined, and Condi Rice refused to testify before the 9/11 Commisssion under oath. She had a good excuse.

And Pakistani forces were reported to be closing in on -- Elvis.

April - The White House announced it would build a $100 billion shield against Richard Clarke.

An angry Karen Hughes, attacking John Kerry, said that President Bush would have kept his war medals if he had earned any.

May - When the torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib came to light, President Bush immediately found out who was responsible. An endless cycle of outrage threatened to swallow up Washington.

Tom Ridge raised the terrorist threat level from yellow to "yellower."

June - President Bush said his umbrella was "working just fine."

America and its media took some slight notice of Reagan's death.

In honor of the Vice President, the Senate revised its voting procedures.

July - The DNC just went wacky -- even before they nominated Kerry.

At the DNC, hope was delayed at a security kiosk. Kerry was nominated.

August - Due to a poor strategy adopted by White House pols, flip-floppers chose Kerry, recognizing him as one of their own.

Florida hurricanes prompted Bush to call Kerry soft on weather, a strategy that was to eventually win him the election.

President Bush appointed the judges of the Summer Olympics to oversee the U.S. election.

September - At the RNC, Rudy Giuliani reminded Americans that President Bush was the only choice to lose the war on terror, and Dick Cheney rallied the delegates as only he could.

October - After the second debate, a spin room tilted off axis, wounding twelve.

As the presidential election drew near, polls showed the race to be virtually tied at four Supreme Court Justices apiece.

November - On November 2, Bush won the election, and immediately claimed a mandate by a whole half of the nation.

While we're tempted to say that we blacked out entirely after November 2, reality quietly ticked on.

Bush announced that he would solve the problem of Social Security insolvency by making the country insolvent.

December - Bernard Kerik's nanny left to spend more time with her family, Donald Rumsfeld aimed to broaden the scope of the Pentagon's disinformation program beyond America's borders, and President Bush showed us all the true meaning of compassionate conservatism.

The whole marvelous year is presented in reverse order here.

Looking back, you have to ask yourself: Can the new year come too soon?