October 5, 2008
Paulson Seen on Unidentified Tropical Island Surrounded by Girls, Drinks, Billions of Dollars
Anonymous tipsters claimed to have spotted Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson earlier today on a secluded tropical island.
The FBI confirmed today that Paulson left the country early yesterday afternoon with what JetBlue Airlines called "countless heavy, fully stuffed duffel bags." There were so many duffel bags that Paulson paid thousands of dollars in excess luggage charges "without batting an eyelash," a JetBlue Airline official said.
The White House hastily released a statement Sunday afternoon saying that Paulson had "taken a brief vacation," and claimed that mobilization of a vast number of Air Force search jets over the entire Pacific was "just a military exercise." Nonetheless an unusual number of comings and goings at the White House and on Capitol Hill conveyed an air of panic.
An anonymous source claimed that Paulson had left a note in which he stated that he had concluded that "the American economy is no longer viable: I am going to make my own." President Bush refused to confirm that such a note existed, saying only that on Sunday, he rarely reads, but that "he would check his desk first thing Monday."
Lawmakers were putting together what they called an "emergency emergency" $350 billion "replacement" bill, which they promised would include even more oversight.
"This time we're using electronic monitoring," promised Rep. Barney Frank.
In other news, an unidentified bidder purchased the countries of Mauritius, Belize, and Tahiti as what he called "second homes."
Posted by Tom Burka at 10:47 PM
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