Prejudiced groups and individuals asked for more time to refashion discriminatory behavior and simple bigotry after an announcement that Hispanics, not African Americans, are now the largest minority group in America.

Justin Flatbean of South Carolina, known for first calling the Hebrew language "Hebonics," needed more time to fashion a suitably derogatory term for the Spanish language. "These latinos are always jabbering away in this other language," he said. "And they don't speak English good."

While some hate groups were surprised by the development, others have been relatively quick to adapt. Brendan Todd, Grand Wizard of the KKK, noted that his group had been prejudiced against Hispanics for a long time already, so they "have a head start."

Republicans were not so fortunate. They were considering redrawing school districts to ensure that Hispanics were forced to go to poorly funded and deteriorating public schools. "This will take a lot of time," said a unidentified Republican Congressman, Tom Delay. "We've got a lot of instiutionalized racism that needs to be overhauled to account for the change. The only step we've taken in anticipation of this was getting a lot of token Hispanics in Republican positions, so I think we're okay there."

Opinions You Should Have Unveils Startling New Look

Nausea, Unpleasant Sensations Greet Readers

The site has a new look. Those of you who care, please repoint your bookmarks to tomburka.com; the IP address listed at the old site may get flakey. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're probably better off.)

If anyone has linked to my archives and the links have stopped working, or generate error messages, let me know and I'll try to correct the problem. I'd also appreciate a heads up if a page looks strange in your browser. If it's just the content that's weirding you out, then everything's probably normal.

Husband Fears Trap

Jefferson Brooks has been asked by his wife, Louise Brooks,to perform a constitutionally protected act upon her sometime this weekend.

Mr. Brooks was skeptical and a perhaps a bit confused. "She wants me to perform homosexuality on her?"

After a bit of frantic whispering between Brooks and his wife, Mr. Brooks appeared less confused, but wary. "This is some sort of wife trick," he said. "The moment I show the slightest enthusiasm, that's the moment she'll find a way to use it against me."

Although the Fed has just cut the interest rate down to 1%, the lowest level since 1958, Bush Administration officials are considering other ways to stimulate the economy out of fear that the latest rate cut may fail to give the economy the boost it so desperately needs. The Bush team is accordingly considering pushing a bill that would allow the Fed to cut the rate below zero.

"What could stimulate the economy more than actually paying people to borrow money," said Karl Rove, in a candid interview yesterday. "I mean, the tax cuts have done well, but we want the Fed to have every opportunity to assist these mammoth tax cuts for the rich to stimulate the economy -- stimulate it like a 30-volt blast from a cattle prod in the rear."

Other ideas for stimulating the economy include giving the economy a lube job; taking it out for a really fine steak dinner; and giving the economy a three martini-lunch. Some members of the Bush Treasury Department want to take the economy to a Japanese massage parlor. "That's always worked for me, " Dilbert Herrington Pump IV said anonymously.

Some government officials think the key is to align the country more closely with conditions in 1958. Measures might include:

• Republishing Leon Uris's Exodus;
• Relaunching Sputnik;
• Doing a remake of Gigi; and
• Exhuming Eisenhower.

The vast majority of Americans who had indicated to pollsters that they "did not care" that President Bush may have lied about Iraq's possession of WMD's were probably willfully misleading pollsters, according to a study conducted by Truth in Poll Gathering, a Washington-based research group.

Preston Bleener told reporters that, when contacted, 9 out of 10 Americans told TPG that they had falsely informed pollsters that they "liked it when Presidents lie," "liked it particularly when President Bush lied," and "really liked to be lied to about the need to go to war."

"In truth," said Bleener, "We discovered that these same people also told pollsters, it turns out, that `they enjoy bubonic plague' and also `wish that Push, Nevada had never been cancelled.'"

Why lie? George Wendell, a farmer from Tennesee said that he never "feeled the need" to tell pollsters what he really felt. "Here are these folks," he said, as he milked a cow, "They call ya when it's not convenient. And then they want you to tell them things for free that they sell to some other folks. Well, I say you get what you pay for."

Bleener said the study involved over three thousand people from all the country who had been polled on the issue of the President's statements on WMD in the past month.

"Or, at least, that's what they told us."

Testing

The site is under design. Hopefully it will be much less generic and nicer to look at by the end of the week.

Opinions You Should Have has a new look and will have a newer look soon. If you're here, you've found me; this is the place!

Web address: Tomburka.com still works, but if you want to go the old site (to sob, to reminisce, what have you) it's at burka.blogspot.com.

If you've got a blogroll that points to burka.blogspot.com, you may wanna set that to tomburka.com. unless you want to read the same entries over, and over, and over . . .

Justice Thomas A Member For Past Seven Years

In the wake of a Supreme Court ruling upholding affirmative action, angry conservatives are calling for a new "litmus test" to be applied to prospective nominees to any newly vacated Court seat. The test will measure the potential Justice's position on affirmative action.

"The test is whether they can successfully join the Riverdale Country Club," said John Milk, a senior analyst at the Brookings Institute. The Riverdale Country Club is an exclusive single-race club, where non-whites are permitted to enter -- as waiters and servants.

Willy Loman, an African-American from Chevy Chase, has worked at the Riverdale Country Club for twenty-five years. "I've parked cars, I've waited tables, I've washed dishes. Sometimes I'm just the guy who spit polishes members' shoes in the bathrooms."

Scalia is already a member of the club. Said Loman, speaking off-the-record, "Whenever he comes by, it's a little strange. That Thomas guy goes wherever he does, eats whatever he does, goes to the bathroom when he does, it's like he wants to be some kind of white Italian guy."

Conservatives who oppose affirmative action were "shocked, shocked," at any suggestion race played a factor in Justice Thomas's nomination to the Supreme Court. John Milk said, "I thought it was because he liked milk."

Justice Souter had been a member of the Riverdale Country Club, but his membership was revoked after a series of liberal dissents. Charles Whiteman-Wilson III, director of the club's membership committee, said, "He wasn't rejected because he wasn't white enough for us -- race played no factor in the decision -- it's just -- how I do put it? He's got a really small head. It's absolutely tiny. He looks like a turtle."

In the wake of news that false terrorism tips have been uprooting the lives of innocent suspects, a recent encounter between Karl Rove and the FBI has come to light.

An anonymous tipster (John Ashcroft) provided the FBI with information leading to the subsequent arrest of Karl Rove as a suspected terrorist about two weeks ago.

Special Agent Hans "Christian" Anderson and partner Martin Asphalt had received a wanted notice for a "chubby balding man with glasses and expensive, ugly ties" who "was up to no good" and "possibly linked to terrorist activities." Several hours after receiving the APB, Anderson and Asphalt saw a man fitting this description lingering over the magazine section at Walmarts, where he was purportedly "fondling a copy of Maxim." (Rove late claimed that the magazine was The Weekly Standard, and that he had not been "caressing" it, as agents had described.)

The agents immediately picked Rove up and transported him to a secret detention center in Arlington, where, during interrogation, Rove repeatedly turned bright red screaming, "I'm the President, you morons."

Agent Asphalt often responded by picking up a copy of The Washington Post and showing him the cover. "This is the President," he would say. Rove blustered in response, "That man's a complete simpleton. I run everything."

Correcting himself later, Rove told the agents that "He was one of the most prominent members of President Bush's staff, and that he worked at the White House," but the agents noted that they had never seen him anywhere. Agent Asphalt later recalled bleakly that he and his partner had laughed "really loud and hard" whenever Rove had pointed out the m that they "were in a world of trouble now." Agent Asphalt is presently awaiting trial on charges stemming from the discovery of over 20 pounds of cocaine found in an FBI evidence bag in his bedroom closet, moments after Rove's release.

Things might have been straightened out quickly if the agents had permitted Rove access to a phone or provided him with a lawyer, but FBI policies prohibited allowing suspects of terrorism to have any contact with anyone in the outside world. As a result of the debacle, president Bush immediately issued guidelines narrowing the use of anonymous tips by the FBI.

One of the changes prohibits FBI agents from arresting anyone who is caught reading Maxim magazine.

In the wake of a remark by Donald Rumsfeld in which he noted that the Baghdad crime rate was lower than the District of Columbia's, thousands of D.C. residents packed their bags and readied themselves to leave the Nation's capital for greener pastures.

"We just want to raise our children in a safe place," said Miles Seecars, a former Pentagon pool reporter. "Secretary Rumsfeld echoed what many have of us have said for a long time: D.C.'s crime rate is so awful, I'm just grateful that we have someplace better to go. East L.A. might be better, too, but I prefer Baghdad."

Billy Mickelson, whose bags were packed and was ready to go, had a slightly different take on it. "Why should only U.S. soldiers get to occupy ?"

At a press briefing today, Donald Rumsfeld pooh-poohed suggestions that anti-American violence by Iraqis was out of control and noted that the Baghdad crime rate was lower than the District of Columbia's. Rumsfled added that he and Paul Bremer had decided to open invisible cans of "whoop-ass" which would quickly take care of the problem.

"I say to the U.S. soldiers in Iraq: your wives and children need not worry," said Rumsfeld, holding up a prototype invisible can for the press. "Whoop-ass is here."

When asked by reporter Miles Seecars why the mysterious cans of "whoop-ass" had not been used in the District of Columbia, Rumsfeld appeared to pull on a invisible tab on the top of the invisible can he was holding, tilted it toward Seecars. Seecars suddenly crumpled to the ground. When questioned later about it, all Seecars would say was that he thought that his ass had been whooped.

Most Notable Diplomatic Posture Since Churchill Nagged Stalin At Yalta In 1945

Ariel Sharon joined the ranks of history's finest negotiators yesterday after promising to hound Hamas into supporting a Mideast peace agreement. In doing so, Sharon joined the ranks of the elite few who have successfully nudged the opposition party into signing a treaty -- or even into what some might call "extreme compromises." The tactic has only been used by some of history's greatest leaders.

A few famous examples:

1066 - The Badgering of Hastings: William the Conqueror harangues the Saxons until Harold II agrees to yield the English crown.

1190 B.C. - Odysseus hectors Aeneas into withdrawing from Troy and possibly Helen.

215 B.C. - Hannibal needles Philip of Macedonia, taunting him with elephants until he allies with Carthage.

1865 - Grant bullyrags Lee at Appomattox.

1876 - Custer pesters Sitting Bull at Little Big Horn. (considered to have been a mistake)

1914 - Extreme razzing of Archduke Ferdinand by Slav Gavrilo Princip (could I make this name up?) leads to World War I.

1941 - Roosevelt mercilessly heckles Hirohito until he resigns from World War II. (Some consider dropping of atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki a factor.)

Debate Is Whether To Offer Lukewarm Disagreement Or Simply Mimick Republican Position

Democrats, members of the "opposition" party, are engaged today in a disagreement about how to ensure their parties failure in upcoming national elections. The crux of today's debate centers upon how to characterize blatant untruths told by George W. Bush about Iraqi weapons possession during the national "debate" on whether to invade Iraq. Should they be called "lies"? Or should Democrats say, as Senator Hillary Clinton urged, that "serious questions have been raised that need to be answered." Another position backed by Senators Edwards, Kerry and Lieberman was that lying for political gain is perfectly acceptable, as long as it's for a good cause, or on a weekday.

A highly placed anonymous source in the Democratic Party (Terry McAuliffe, head of the DNC) said, in a panicky voice, "What if we say he was lying about WMD and then he finds some? What are we gonna do then? What are we gonna do?"

Only a few, like Sen. Bob Graham, who keeps diaries noting where he scratches himself each day, assert that Americans might be interested in knowing that President Bush induced them to back a war on the basis of completely fabricated notions he reported in State of the Union speeches as cold, hard facts.

While Democrats were wrestling over the issue of whether to point out that Bush told Americans that Saddam Hussein had purchased uranium to make nuclear bombs when it was well known that this never occurred, Bush raised another $50 million in campaign funds.

Or at least, that's what he says.

Could Ruin Future Photo Opportunities, Say Bush, Rove

The White House, concerned that Israeli attempts to snuff out the life of the leader of Hamas, sent "strong signals" to Prime Minister Sharon today not to try anything like this until after the 2004 election.

"This kind of violence," said Rove, "is absolutely dangerous to the practice of showing photographs of Bush shaking hands of Mideast leaders and claiming to have engineered peace. Any attempted assassination puts us in the position of having to organize another photo opportun-- excuse me, "peace summit." It even endangers our ability to pass around the old pictures and say that they're new ones."

Sharon was unapologetic, and suggested airbrushing any Hamas leaders out of the pictures already taken.

Ari Fleischer, who was in the middle of packing his bags to go on a world wide cruise around America, said, "This kind of violence is a threat of the worst kind to any image that President Bush is actually promoting peace in the Middle East. I am shocked that anyone would consider impeding President Bush's attempts to get elected."

Leather Bucket Seats Were Key Clue

Independent analysts who were permitted to inspect several recovered trailers which the CIA had concluded were mobile biological weapons factories reported that the trailers were clearly Winnebagos. "I'm not sure which tipped me off first," said Dr. Alvin Irkman of the North Atlantic Biological Confederate. "It was either the spacious living room with custom-designed, sculptured carpet and imported Italian ceramic tile floorcovering or the exclusive Ulti-Bay chassis with multiple slideout floorplan and Storemore � undercarriage slideout storage space. Maybe it was the deluxe bedroom with spacious cedar-lined closet, beautiful wood cabinetry, decorative wainscoting, real wooden headboard, 19" TV and standard rear stereo that I've come to expect from Winnebago."

CIA officials disputed the suggestion that the trailers were anything but mobile bioweapons labs, pointing out that the labs had fermenters for growing germs connected to pipes for siphoning off the "bioweapon slurry" for further processing elsewhere.

"That's a chemical toilet with waste disposal hookup for connection to trailer park facilities," said Irkman. "It's next to the exterior wash station with pump switch, paper towel holder, and soap dispenser."

Revisionist historians, angry at Condoleezza Rice for casting revisionism in a negative light, threatened to remove her from future history books if she did not retract the reference.

This past Sunday, Rice called accusations against the White House's manipulation of intelligence data "revisionist history," and derided those who were "rewriting history to suggest that the White House went to war because of Hussein's WMD."

Professor Demetri Gazpacho, the President of the Revisionist History Association of America (RHAA), pointed out, "Revisionists have simply revised views of history which misrepresent what actually occurred. We recently corrected, for example, an American History textbook which devoted a chapter to the U.S. victory in Vietnam." Ironically, that textbook was in use at one of Rice's old universities, the University of Notre Dame.

"By associating the word "revisionism" with falsehood, Rice is essentially recasting the meaning of revisionism," Gazpacho said.

Gazpacho and his associates were considering how best to deal with Rice's offensive statements. Gazpacho said that the association was debating rewriting Rice out of future history books or perhaps just saying she was part of the Clinton administration. Other options included depicting Rice as an FBI agent at Ruby Ridge or as an American working with the Taliban.

"This was not a smart move,' Gazpacho coldly intoned. "If you're part of history, we're the last people you want to mess with."

WASHINGTON, D.C., Sunday - Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell made the rounds on Sunday Morning television yesterday, stating firmly that there was nothing wrong with intelligence estimates of Saddam Hussein's possession of WMD. Rice commented on recent charges that the intelligence reports were "cooked" to back up political motivations. "This is absolutely untrue," said Rice, appearing on ABC's "This Week."

"The intelligent reports were not tailored or doctored in any way," she said. "It was the speeches and statements of the Administration that were politically motivated. It is revisionist history to say otherwise."

Powell defended the Administration's handling of the intelligence. "It would be silly to put political pressure on the CIA analysts. We don't have to. We're the only ones who get to see their reports. We can say those reports said whatever we want."

Powell was speaking to Tim Russert on "The Sunday Beginning-of-the-Week Propaganda Cycle" (also known as "Meet The Press"). "Everyone knows truth is the first casualty of war. Any misstatement by the Administration regarding the true nature of the threat posed by Hussein was just collateral damage."

Prefers To Call Unemployed "Democrats"

Faced with the longest sustained period without job growth since the period before World War II (that is, since the Great Depression), the White House noted that the enormous number of lost jobs shows that the economy is recovering. White House economists explained projections had been for even more massive job losses: "Frankly," said Secretary of Labor Elaine L. Chao, "We are encouraged by the pace of the lack of growth."

White House economists pointed to record purchases of flat screen TVs and Playstation 2's with maxed-out credit cards as a sign that the economy is doing well. (One umployed person explained: "There are no jobs out there. Might as well sit around and play Medal of Honor.")

While the White House was toying with a variety of phrases for the unemployed, such as "previously owned workers," and "pre-employed laborers," Karl Rove simply called them "Democrats."

"Typical democrats," said Rove,"losing their jobs and blaming it on the Republicans. Next thing you know they'll be whining that they can't afford adequate health care."

Vice-President Dick added, "I know there are some real people out there who might be in-between jobs, but this is just a phase. "

"After all," he continued, "Everyone I know is working."

Some Arab Leaders Privately Tantalized By Suggestion

Israeli and Palestinian leaders could not understand one whit of President Bush's cowboy rhetoric at a recent photo opportunity cum meeting, so they fired most of their translators today, thinking that President Bush's garbled speech and strange Texan turns of phrase could only have been the result of poor translation. President Bush's most confusing statement was his recent declaration that he was going to "ride herd" over them until they came to an agreement. Virtually all of the translators involved in the meetings were fired, replaced, or suspended, or, in the case of some, summarily executed. Part of the problem lay in the fact that the Arabic translation of "ride herd" was, according to one source, "Morrocan and profane."

"He's going to what over us?" said Prime Minister Abbas. "Is that legal in his country?"

Sharon was no less startled by the remarks. "We in Israel ride many things," said Sharon, "but never that."

Some lower level Arab officials were secretly curious about the statement, saying they "were willing to try it," and that it sounded like they might "really, really like it."

Russian leader Putin has acquired a weather control device that he has apparently used to destroy Spring in America. The thaw in U.S./Russia relations has led to a corresponding wave of bad weather in America which had U.S. officials puzzled until Putin unveiled his device to ensure sunny weather during a parade in Moscow. Then all became clear.

"Ha, ha," exclaimed a gleeful Putin, speaking on the "red phone" to President Bush, "Now you will go directly from a cruel, snowfilled winter to an excruciatingly hot, humid summer without one perfect picnic day!"




Putin recently bragged to a delighted Gerhardt Schroeder at the G8 summit about making spring "werry unpleasant for Americans." He also took credit for the beautiful and sunny days enjoyed by world leaders at the summit. "With this weather device," laughed Putin, "I can control . . . the world!"

• Trying to make us care about doilies;
• Using the phrase "pillowing" to mean "making a pillow;"
• Being much, much too excited about wreaths;
• Urging us to grow, pick, sautee, and create ten-foot tall decorative aspargus spear trees;
• Possibly committing insider trading while not being the daughter of a Republican President of the United States;
• Making millions by herself, without any help from powerful rich friends in the oil business;
• Not making her fortune by using her father's political and business connections to buy a baseball team, finance building a new stadium by raising taxes on gullible Texans, and using the power of eminent domain to grab other people's land and homes that she could develop and sell for a fortune;
• Not enlisting the aid of an evil genius to install her as governor of a state and engineer her occupation of the White House so that he can advance his own incredibly right-wing, fundamentalist, fanatical neoconservative agenda while putting money back into the pockets of his pals who would then send both of them buckets of cash to ensure that the agenda is never changed; and
• Not having any of the media in her pocket.

Barely a minute had passed after the FCC voted to ease media ownership restrictions when Opinions You Should Have was purchased in a hostile takeover by Rupert Murdoch . Mr. Murdoch, who owns 20th century Fox, Fox TV, The New York Post, The Sydney Mirror, Asia's Star television, and is the only media mogul to have created and controlled a truly global media empire, waited not one moment before snatching up the highly prized weblog Opinions You Should Have.

The staff of Opinions You Should Have Opinions You Will Have regrets any impression given by previous articles. While there may be a place for specious juvenilia and left-wing satire,the new management looks upon previous articles as "youthful indiscretions" of a maturing weblog and is willing -- even enthusiastic -- to put such adolescent and bitter parodies behind them. We at the weblog look forward to achieving a sensible maturity with more serious reporting and views more appropriate to the tenor of the media jewel "Opinions" has become.

While members of the Graphics and Research departments will stay on, Mr. Thomas Burka is seeking to ingratiate himself with the new ownership while occupying the temporary position of Coffee Boy, which is a little like a cabana boy but far more limiting.

Today, President Bush announced that he had found WMD in his left pants pocket during a dinner with Tony Blair but that they had misplaced them during dessert and a really fine cup of coffee. The WMD, which Bush swears was discovered somewhere in Iraq and relayed to him by somebody, were almost certainly there when dinner started, although Bush said, "They could be in my other suit."

Blair was unconcerned. "We're going to find more WMD, we're going find them soon, and we're going to keep on finding them." Blair went on to say that he had seen plenty of evidence of WMD and that "sooner or later, at some point, maybe not today, but hopefully by tomorrow -- or as late as mid-summer -- the people will hear about it, and they'll know what we knew and know now but won't tell them because we don't want to tell them now and we have our own truly fine, impeccable, unimpeachable reasons for hiding from them the evidence that we now known -- and have known all along.'

The Waldorf Transcripts , transcripts of taped conversations between British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw and Gen. Colin Powell in New York's lush Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in February just hours before Powell's "big pitch" to the U.N., have surfaced, and some say they don't look too good in daylight. The transcripts have been anonymously leaked to the press by a member of the U.N. Security Counsel who was lied to about WMD in order to gain support -- in other words, Cameroon.

"We not very happy about this in Cameroon," said an unidentified Cameroonian named Jack deBont Ngongo, who drives a white porsche with the license plate JL45-E and lives on East 51st Street in New York. "Just read this," he said, handing over a portion of the transcripts:

[sound of loud crunching]

Straw: More salad?

Powell: No, no – but you can’t beat those apples and walnuts. Whoever thought of this was a genius.

Straw: Quite, quite. And this sherry is absolutely superb.

Powell: Damn fine.

Straw: Not like those intelligence reports.

Powell: [gunshot laugh] No. [to waiter] Can we get more of these , uh, little crackers?

Unidentified Waiter With Boom Microphone: Of course.

Powell: Nope, those reports don't have the crispness or the fine finish of this 1897 Chateau neuf de pape. They’re [expletive deleted].

Straw: Quite right, old chap. [talking with mouth full] I wish we had something REAL to present to the U.N. (to waiter) I need a clean fork.

Powell: I’m very troubled by it. Damn, this paté is outstanding.

Straw: Croissant?

Powell: Thanks.