January 22, 2009
Strict Constructionists Unable To Read, Chief Justice Roberts Reveals

Failure Reveals Massive Flaw In Theory of Constiutional Interpretation

Tuesday, Chief Justice John Roberts admitted that so-called "strict constructionists" -- who base their interpretations of the Nation's laws based on the exact words in the Constitution -- are unable to read.

"We just kind of make up what we want to hear," Roberts said. "We've been doing it for years. Scalia is the worst offender."

Roberts was forced to make the announcement after it became apparent that he had been unable to accurately read the 35 words making up the President's inaugural oath.

"I figured if I would put in 'swear' and 'duty' and 'so help me God,' no one would really notice," said Roberts.

Roberts, however, was forced to correct his administration of the oath when President Obama pointed out his mistake.

Of his theory of legal interpetation, which has been critical in decisions of the Supreme Court for some time, Roberts said, "We've been doing it for years. It's just absolute nonsense."

Ruth Bader Ginsberg had suspected as much, not just from the bizarre content of many of Justice Roberts', Thomas', and Scalia's opinions, but also because they furrowed their brows and moved their lips when they tried to order off a dinner menu. "They would all just throw up their hands and order the pasta," said Ginsberg. "Every time."

Posted by Tom Burka at 5:40 PM in News