The Department of Homeland Security, critically hobbled by insufficient funding in its mission to secure the nation, today announced that it would be moving to Iraq in order to "better provide for the security needs of the American people."

"We need money," said Elmer Fishrot, Undersecretary for Begging. "And last night's speech by the President made it clear that there's a lot of money to be had over there. We've been told over and over again that there isn't any lying around here."

The "Bring Your Pocket Change To Us" program has not been much of a success, he added.

"President Bush made clear that the key to American safety is in Iraq," said Fishrot. "And we're taking him at his word."

"Now if we could just raise enough money to move . . ."