Patriot Act Permitted Justice Department To Secretly Investigate, Prosecute, And Execute Unnamed Suspect

John Ashcroft announced today that a requested investigation of White House officials by CIA Director George Tenet had already been concluded months ago, and that "the individual or individuals who did it, if any, have already been prosecuted, sentenced, and executed."

Tenet had asked Ashcroft to investigate the deliberate release of CIA agent Valerie Plame's name to the press in retaliation for husband Joseph Wilson's anti-administration statements.

"The Patriot Act is a wonderful thing," said Ashcroft. "I was able to go after these boys with the same vehemence I normally reserve for users of medical marijuana, sodomists, and would-be terrorists like Jose Padilla. And this time, we may or may not have gotten our man."

Ashcroft went on to say that disclosing the identity of a secret agent was an act of treason, a crime that strikes at the very soul of our government, and at the heart of our country.

"I pulled no punches in investigating this matter, left no stone unturned, ignored no impropriety. I answer to no one," said Ashcroft.

It was at that moment that an aide poked his head into the room. "Karl Rove is calling for you, General."

Ashcroft stood up like a shot. "I have to go," he said, and he was gone.